...Expect Miracles...

European Fertility Vacation

2011-11-07T08:07:00.006-05:00

So I happened across an article today about a product used in the UK called DuoFertility. It's a patch that you put under your arm and it comes with a monitor that follows your cycle to provide you with fertile days, ovulation confirmation and an online fertility support team. It's completely none invasive, even more so compared to our OvaCue where I still have to wand myself. Apparently they did a study with 500 couples who were infertile, several who had qualified for IVF or had actually done IVF and failed. And it's guaranteed pregnant in 12 months or your money back. Now all I have to do is convince Hammer to move to England for a year. Ha! Maybe it will come to the US now that it's show to be effective.

Thanks Yah.oo

2011-11-02T08:19:00.002-04:00

I was suprised to see this article on "What not to say to friends without kids" on my news page on Yahoo and I have to say it's pretty good. Take a look and let me know what you think.
Click Here

One Year

2011-10-19T09:03:00.003-04:00

One year ago I sat on a beach awaiting the results of our fourth IVF. I never would have guessed that today I would sit on the same beach having suffered through a missed miscarriage and an ectopic. It seems surreal, like it wasn't me that this all happened to but it was.

To catch you up after my last post, I spent the first whole day in bed and in a great deal of pain. The next day I was able to get downstairs with assistance and Hammer drove me to a follow up appointment for blood work. The results showed a marked decrease in my hcg levels post op as they went from 3,051 to 600. My doctor was very encouraged by this and felt that I would likely not need a follow up shot of Methotrexate. Apparently when the tube is saved there is a 20% risk that fetal tissue can be left behind and it can continue to grow. If this is not caught then the tube could burst again. I was concerned about this as we had hit every other small probability on this journey. But things were going well even though I still needed a regular dose of per.cocet to manage the pain. A day later, Friday, I was able to get myself up to go to the bathroom and I noticed that thing didn't quiet look right. Saturday morning Hammer took me to the local urgent care where I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection. Since I was on pain meds they couldn't confirm there if it had made it to my kidneys. The doctor decided not to admit me but did put me on some very intense antibiotics and have me report my progress. Thankfully it worked but the side effects of percocet and the antibiotic knocked me out. I ended up taking the entire week off following the surgery. In the end it was a good thing. This recovery was far more intense than the previous lap. At my one week follow up appointment I was still sore and swollen. My doctor said it was to be expected as I had a lot of internal bleeding that she cleaned up. My internal organs were very irritated and bruised but I was healing well over all. She also confirmed that our ectopic was just a freak occurrence and that my history of mild endometriosis did not have anything to do with it. Apparently endometriosis would never have allowed the embryo to get up that far. So more than likely my tube was fine and it just decided to take a tour up my tube. I also learned at that appointment that they did an analysis on the tissue and it was healthy fetal tissue. I didn't want to know the gender this time around but the information is there if we ever wanted to know. My hcg levels went down to 107 so my doctor was confident that it would resolve in about a week or so. My first week back at work was exhausting. Only three people know of what happened and I prefer it that way but it meant that I had to put on a happy face and lie about why I was off. I did not enjoy that at all.

A week later my hcg was down to 15 and a week after that AF made her appearance. I was very thankful that it ended so quickly. Since then I actually have ovulated from my right side. I'm 95% sure it was the right side because I had very intense sharp pain that lasted about 5 minutes. It was very, very sharp so clearly I am still healing. Hammer and I decided to go ahead with an HSG in January to ensure the tube is open. Beyond that I know we are done with IVF.

It's hard to be back in the same spot a year later with everything that we've been through but it also brings closure. We'll certainly be taking time off to heal emotionally but when we are ready we will be moving forward with building our family.

Sore but Successful

2011-09-15T14:54:00.011-04:00

After we got the news yesterday that the supposed 'pocket of fluid' was actually a gestational sac with a fetal pole and cardiac activity, we were immediately scheduled for surgery. We went home for about 2 hours so I could change into comfy cloths and get things in order to prepare for the surgery. At 3 pm we arrived at the hospital and were immediately rushed upstairs to surgical prep. I have never seen a hospital so efficient, Hammer and I were very impressed. I was all set up for my surgery in about an hour. My parents were able to come as well as some good friends of ours but they would only let 2 people up in pre-op. Hammer and my mom hung out with me while we did Facetime with my dad and our friends. I was very thankful for this as it was great to take my mind off of the pain and make the time go by more quickly They gave me some pain drugs through my IV which hit me so fast I literally almost jumped out of bed. Seriously, Hammer and my mom jumped up to stop me from falling out of bed. I never take anything more than an Advil so that scared me to death how fast it hit and made me feel really weird.

My Dr was doing the surgery as it happened to be her hospital call day for L&D which was such a blessing as she is a great Dr. and very, very good OB/GYN surgeon. It was a comfort to know some one we knew and trusted was doing the surgery. All in all the surgery took about an hour. Apparently our little one had traveled up to the very top of my right fallopian tube while is also rare for it to get that high with IVF. This was another blessing as it meant the Dr. could easily remove the pregnancy without taking my tube due to the larger 'space' in that area of the tube for her to work. I did, however, have some internal bleeding because, as our baby continued to grow and burrow, it was pushing blood out both ends of the fallopian tube simply because it had implanted so close to the top where the tube is open to the abdominal cavity. So my Dr. did have to clean up the internal bleeding which is what took longer. But it was also what made me so uncomfortable and triggered us to ask for help earlier so another blessing in disguise. While she was in there she also removed two spots of endometeriosis that she found on the back of my uterus and on my left ovary.

While I was in recovery my doctor came out to speak with Hammer. She told them she was very happy that I called when I did and was shocked that I wasn't in more pain with the internal bleeding but I have a crazy pain tolerance so what is a '3 out of 10' for me would be a '6 out of 10' for someone else. That's how I rated myself to the Dr. earlier that day and after surgery she agreed that my pain tolerance is definitely high. They were able to release me last night and now I'm on bed rest. I do feel like I was hit by a truck and I am very thankful for Hammer being home to take care of me as I need help just to sit up right now. As difficult as this was and as much as we wanted to avoid surgery, I did have a good outcome as far as avoiding a rupture and saving my tube. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as we certainly needed it and could see the blessings in such a difficult situation.

I have also been getting calls from our RE who has been checking in with me every few days. It's such a difference from the other practice as our RE actually calls us and not just the RN. He has been getting updates from my local Dr. as well. During my phone call with him today he said that our embryo must have been incredibly healthy to not only make that trek all the way up my tube but to then implant and develop normally. He expressed his sadness that if it had implanted where it should, we would very likely be pregnant with a healthy baby. It was hard to hear but also what we were thinking as well having seen the ultrasound the day before. What is most difficult to try to wrap our minds around, is that we literally had to end our baby's life to save my life. I know that there was no other choice as it would have killed both of us but it just is so difficult to mentally take in. It's one thing to see that your baby passed away on it's own but to have to end the life of something that we both worked so hard to achieve is devastating.

Surgery

2011-09-14T12:34:00.002-04:00

Our ultrasound did not go very well today. The pregnancy is progressing and they were able to see a fetal pole with cardiac activity. There is no way that the shot will work when it is this advanced. I will have surgery today at 5pm EST. My local Dr. will be doing the surgery which I am very happy about as she has a great reputation in the community, I trust her, and she did an awesome job when she removed my endometriosis back in 2008. There is no way that she will know if she can save my right tube until she is in there and even with saving it there are risks of scarring which can lead to a future risk of ectopic.

At least I knew my body well enough to pick up on the fact that the pregnancy wasn't ending. I was able to get blood drawn and an ultrasound done a day before the typical repeat HCG. It very well could have saved me from a ruptured tube. This is my one consolation.

Not Working

2011-09-13T16:55:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to have a blood draw this Thursday and that blood draw was supposed to show a 15% decrease which would let the Dr. know that the shot was working. Today I woke up and realized that the mild nausea that I originally thought was from the shot, was actually morning sickness and that I now have additional pregnancy symptoms. I knew my levels were going up and not down. I had actually started bleeding and cramping on Sunday and was hopeful that they were going down but the bleeding has nearly stopped and it's nothing like a period.

I put in a call to my local Dr.'s office and they had me come in immediately for blood work. I was right. My levels went from 1,900 on Wednesday of last week to 3,053 today. There is no way my levels are going to drop to 1,600 in one day as that would be a 50% decrease now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning where they will determine if I am safe for a second dose. If not, we'll have to make plans for surgery. This is an absolutely horrible experience. I feel like a walking time bomb.

Treatment

2011-09-10T14:23:00.003-04:00

Thursday morning, the day after learning about our third failed pregnancy, I called my Gyn to see if they could give the methotrexate shot. I was very happy to learn that they do give the treatment in the office and my Dr. was more than willing to follow my care. I guess that's just a benefit of having been her patient for a very long time. She knows our whole story and had her personal nurse, T, arrange everything for me. My dad, who is recently retired, offered to drive me there as Hammer could not get home in time since I was given an early appointment. I was so glad to not be alone. When my dad pulled up he even gave me a basket of flowers and chocolate, so sweet.

At my Drs office, nurse T took me back right away and got all my vitals to correctly mix the methotrexate. My Dr was on hospital call at the time so she had one of her partners give me the medication. He was such a sweet man and spent a ton of time with me talking about what to expect, my history, and just been kind and encouraging. Everyone was just so kind during a difficult time. Apparently I am a great candidate for the shot which made me feel better about chosing this treatment. My HCG is well under the 5,000 cut off - it's 1,900; our gestational sac did not show any signs of viability - no yolk sac, fetal pole; and I'm in the 6 week window when treatment was given. So I guess this is one time I can be very thankful for a poorly developing pregnancy.

They gave me the medication in two doses so I had two shots in each of my hips. Apparently it get's absorbed better this way so it acts quicker. The shots burned going in and hurt for about 20 minutes. I also had to get a Rhogham shot because I'm Rh- so my bum was pretty darn sore when I left. I was grateful my dad was driving because it was uncomfortable to sit let alone have to drive my car which is stick shift.

Apparently it takes about 3 days for this to kick in so at this point I have a little less than 24 hours before it hits. I was told to take it easy so no lifting, twisting etc. that could cause my tube to rupture while waiting for the medication to finally kick in. What I didn't realize is that even when it is working there is still a chance of rupture so I am not out of the woods until my hcg is negative. So I will have to cancel a work trip as it's too much of a risk for me to be in the middle of nowhere and have something happen. Right now I feel a bit queasy and have a headache which is a typical side effect as methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug. When this stuff kicks in I should have crazy cramps. Ironically after having spotted for the last two weeks I haven't spotted once since Tuesday. Strange how I fought for two weeks to not spot and now all I want is to bleed and get this over with.

Emotionally, we are both taking this pretty hard. Hammer was 100% convinced it had worked. I was a bit skeptical because of all the bleeding. I just had this feeling I could not shake that something was wrong but honestly I went in hopeful that I was wrong as I had been wrong before. But when the u/s zoomed in on my uterus and I saw it was empty I turned to Hammer and shook my head, he just started tearing up and squeezed my hand so tight. Neither one of us ever thought ectopic though so it was quite a shock. I think it's finally sinking in but we are both so heartbroken.

Ectopic

2011-09-07T16:30:00.003-04:00

Our little bean implanted in my right tube.

We are getting blood work done, stopping all meds which include baby aspirin, extra folic acid and awaiting the results so that I can get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. We are praying that this works, otherwise I will have to have surgery and risk loosing my right tube.

We just have the absolute worst luck.

Does anyone else find this weird?

2011-08-31T19:18:00.007-04:00

So our neighborhood has a Faceb.ook group page to help bring our little community together. I get posts from our group nearly every day for things like, "free recliner to a good home," or "anyone recommend a good plumber." Never, ever, would I have thought the following post to ever show up and I'm kind of weirded out by it.

Really? You don't have a friend or coworker that could use them? You do realize that teenage kids are part of this group right? Is it just me?

In other news, we are spotting free right now at 5w5d. I'm praying that this streak continues. I just got my PIO in the mail today and Hammer is out of town starting today as well. Looks like I'm going to get pretty good at giving myself IM shots. I also think that this wait until the ultrasound is getting more difficult. I just want to know what is going on. With everything that has happened to us it's hard not to think of this not being any different. Will there even be a baby? What if my levels are no longer rising? I wish that I could ignore these fears but miscarriage leaves it scars. I'm questioning what symptoms I have and wondering if they are pregnancy or progesterone related. My boobs are veiny but really only sore in the morning, I do have increased sense of smell but I had that in the 2ww, I've had a pretty big appetite, mild cramping and flutters, the last two days I had mild nausea in the morning but that could be due to the recent consistent dose of PIO before bed, and I have to drink nearly 100 oz of water to keep from being dehydrated. I don't have to pee all the time but I also have a retroverted uterus so maybe I won't feel that for a while. Today I noticed that my mouth is constantly watering and my ginger ale tasted horrible as well as some other foods. I'm just really ready for next Wednesday to know if this pregnancy is going well, until then we are doing A LOT of praying.

Waiting

2011-08-29T12:08:00.004-04:00

This week is all about waiting. Waiting for my PIO supply to come in. Waiting for the day when I can stop the suppositories. Waiting for the spotting to stop. Waiting for the upcoming ultrasound.

The spotting is really starting to mess with my head. We were able to get it to stop Friday morning and it stayed away all day Saturday until around 9pm; about 1 hour after I put in the 3rd suppository of the day. We were driving up to visit my in-laws who live about 3 hours away. When we were an hour from arriving I felt something strange and made Hammer pull off at a fast food restaurant. Sure enough, bright red blood on the panty liner. It was a fair amount but did not soak a pad. I ended up doing our nightly PIO in the restaurant bathroom. First time I'd given a PIO solo. Let me tell you fear is a great motivator. I didn't even hesitate to stick that crazy long needle in my hip. I did 1cc rather than 0.5cc because it was the second episode of bright red bleeding. Once we arrived at my in-laws I went straight to bed. When I woke up the bleeding had tapered off so I showered to get ready for our day. Then I put in the first suppository and 15 min later...bleeding. Since then it has been constant when I wipe but not really anything to soak a pad. It's more red/brown than anything.

What really scared me is that as the day wore on my ride side (hip, butt, front of abdomen) was beginning to hurt more and more. We ended up leaving early to head back home. After brainstorming what could be causing it and ruling out ectopic we decided it was probably from the PIO I gave in that side. I wasn't having any cramping on the left side of my body and it seemed to stem from the back side. I sat on a heating pad on low and rotated every 30 minutes. This morning I feel much better in that spot.

I have also been very thirsty and am drinking 3-4 24oz bottles of water a day. Regardless today I woke up really dehydrated and very sick to my stomach. I also made the mistake of taking our last HPT with my very dehydrated sample. I freaked out that the control line wasn't as light as it was two days ago. I know that things can happen and this bleeding is not helping but I'm not having any cramping and there are very good reasons for the spotting. I hope that my freakout was unnecessary and you can be assured we do not have anymore FRER left in the house.

Giant Sigh of Relief

2011-08-26T16:50:00.002-04:00

Emergency peace of mind beta #3 came back = 748

Hopefully we'll get this spotting under control but for right now I think we might have a sticky bean. Grow bean, grow!

It's Back

2011-08-26T09:50:00.004-04:00

The spotting, it came back last night around 9 pm.

After Tuesday's scare, the bleeding was so bad that I could not keep the Endometrin in so we decided to give 0.5cc of PIO just to get something in my body. And then as a precaution for the next day (Wednesday), Hammer gave me another. The spotting was completely gone that day. On Thursday morning I talked with the RN and she said that since the bleeding stopped and the suppositories were staying in that I could stop the PIO and continue with the Endometrin, which I did. And then later that night I spotted pinky brown mixed in with that Endometrin ooze which is exactly how the bright red bleeding started. We were at our couples bible study when I discovered it while going to the bathroom. There was no warning. We immediately left for home so that Hammer could give me another shot to hopefully prevent full bleeding. I went to bed totally stressed out and hardly slept at all. When I woke up the spotting was gone and there was nothing but old blood. So we made the decision based upon our gut feeling that the suppositories alone were just not working for us.

This morning when I called the clinic to tell them what happened, they said that it was fine to do the PIO but they wanted me to do 2cc a day. Crazy. I've only ever heard of one other person doing that much. Honestly if 3 Endometrin/d + 0.55cc of PIO are working, we might just keep it up because we know it's working now. Clearly we just can't do suppositories alone. Now we could be wrong about the PIO and still spot, we totally are aware of this but I think this will at least bring some peace of mind to have two sources of progesterone going. I already had my Endometrin refill delivered so I'll have more than enough on hand. Oh and we also requested a 3rd beta just to see if everything is still going OK in there. I think we should be fine because I took a FRER again this morning and there was so much dye on the test line that there was barely a control but peace of mind is priceless right now.

Beta #2

2011-08-24T16:23:00.006-04:00

Today started out much better as I woke up to no bleeding and just a few smudges of brown from yesterday's event. But to be safe I took today off just to ensure that a) I had my blood drawn around the same time as before and B) if I started bleeding again I would be at home. I went in today around 10:30 AM to get my blood drawn and got called back right away. What I didn't expect was for the phlebotomist to tell me that the diagnosis code was wrong on the order. I asked if she wanted me to call but she said she would do it but after they failed to put Monday's order in as STAT I was a big concerned. After I left I called my clinic to tell them to expect a call or to just call them directly to ensure that everything was fine. I then sat on pins and needles for the next 2 1/2 hours. When I had not heard from them yet at 2:30 I called the lab to see if it had been sent and they confirmed that it had. Ugh! Then just call already. My brother texted to reassure me that at his practice he always likes calling with the good news at the end of the day and so he was praying that they operated the same way.

Finally the phone rang.

ME: "Hello, this is Mrs. Hammer"

RN: "Hi this is C, how are you doing today?" [in a super chipper voice]

ME: "Nervous"

RN: "Well you have no reason to be nervous"

ME: "I don't?"

RN: "Nope, because your numbers are awesome. They more than doubled. Your beta came back at 296" *

ME: "You're kidding me? Oh my gosh I can't believe it" [through sobs of joy]

I also learned that my TSH (0.94) and T4 (1.6) came back at really good levels as well. We are done with betas and will await our first ultrasound on the afternoon of September 7. Hammer and I know there are still many hurdles to go but hope that this is finally the long anticipated and fervently prayed for miracle.

Thank you for all of your prayers and stories of hope from past experiences, they were all so encouraging to me. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we wait for the results of the ultrasound in 2 weeks.

*update*

The only other time I did the babymed graph it was for our abysmal hcg levels with our blighted ovum (which were two whole days behind what we are now) so I wanted to see where we are now. Holy Pete, we're normal. The thing actually says the words "normal." Please Lord, watch over our little one as he continues to grow!

*I bolded it for those of you who scroll down to get the results before reading the whole post...I do it too :)

Spotting Scare Update

2011-08-23T18:10:00.003-04:00

I think the PIO did the trick. The bleeding started to turn to 'old blood' around 3pm and is now almost completely gone. Our prayer is that the little one is a fighter and hung on. My only concern is that my symptoms have disappeared again but could that be because I was scared out of my mind? We shall see tomorrow.

This is not happening again updated

2011-08-23T07:15:00.005-04:00

I woke up this morning to bright red blood. Not a little, a lot. But as of right now I am not cramping. Hammer encouraged me to take the last HPT to see if my levels dropped but the test line is now nearly as dark as the control. We're praying this is a good sign. I put a call in to my clinic and I'm going to request to switch to PIO if the HCG is still rising. Please pray for our little one!

*Update*
The bleeding has continued without any cramping. It's less than a period but bright red. The clinic couldn't really tell me anything (as I expected) other than we would have to wait till tomorrow to see if the levels increased or decreased. They still wanted me to take the endometrin even though I kept asking if I could absorb it with all the bleeding. I really didn't get a good answer. My mom offered to come over to hang out with me today. She's a retired nurse and we both decided to just crack open the last PIO I had on hand and give myself a bolus of 0.5cc. We figured it couldn't hurt and would only help. Afterward we spent sometime praying for the little one.

Cut-Off

2011-08-22T16:30:00.012-04:00

So let me catch you all up:

11dp3dt, Thursday August 18 - I had to go on a business trip to the middle of no where and left the day before which I was not happy about. Especially considering that 12dp3dt was when I suddenly started bleeding with our last IVF cycle. So imagine my distress when the day begins with major cramping and all my symptoms disappear (except for vein-y bbs and my crazy sense of smell.) Later that night I went to the bathroom discovered a streak of brown on the TP when I wiped. For most women they would think maybe it was implantation but because this was the day before our bleeding from last time I went into freak out mode which was enhanced by my being alone in the middle of podunk-ville USA. I could not get a hold of Hammer who was out with his friends but did get a hold of my mom who talked me down from the ceiling. Shortly after I was able to sk.ype with Hammer and just seeing his face and my sweet puppy helped tremendously.
12dp3dt, Friday August 19 - This was my last day out of town. The symptoms were still gone (minus my vein-y bbs) but the cramping and spotting were gone too. Somehow I survived and drove as fast as I dared to get myself back home.
13dp3dt, Saturday August 20 - Hammer and I decided to test this morning. We just couldn't stand it anymore. I took an internet cheapy (no I still have not learned) out and did the deed in a cup. The control line came up but there was no sign of a positive. I sighed and said, "As I expected," but then decided to just use the last FRER up because why not and the internet ones suck. So I dipped and while putting the cap on to my shock a positive line came up right away. I cocked my head and said, "Not what I expected." I crawled into bed and told Hammer that we had a faint line. Really it wasn't faint, it was pretty visible but was it hcg going up or coming down? Then later that day the brown spot on the TP was back. Crap. Hammer and I went out shortly after to pick up more HPT, you know, just in case.
14dp3dt Sunday August 21- I woke up at 4 am and 'held it' as long as I could stand until about 4 am. Then I took another FRER. The line wasn't coming up as fast, just as I expected, a chemical pregnancy. I crawled back into bed and woke Hammer up to tell him but he wanted to see for himself so he got up and took a look at the test. He came out looking quizzical, "It looks the same to me." "Well same isn't better" I told him but looked at it again. Holy Pete it might actually be a bit darker. We spent about 10 minutes comparing lines from yesterday and walked away convinced it was darker.
15dp3dt Monday August 22 (beta day) - I woke up around 4 am again after a night of vivid dreams about all sorts of silly things. I talked my self back to sleep but not before noticing that those darn suppositories were making a mess again. When I couldn't stand it any longer I got up about the same time as yesterday (6 am) and got out my supplies. But to my horror I saw that my pad was soaked with a mixture of suppository gunk and brown discharge and there was a lot. I freaked out a bit which woke up Hammer, cleaned myself up and then took the test. I told Hammer it was still coming up positive but I just crawled back into bed as this was a bit too deja vu for me from our last cycle. Hammer got up to get ready for work. (I had decided to take the day off) He came out of the bathroom and said, "You know this is darker, like significantly darker." I had to look at it myself but yes it was definitely significantly darker. But I was having cramps and the brown discharge continued, actually got worse when I put in that darn suppository.
Around 8:00 am called my clinic to tell them what was happening knowing that they don't open until 8:30 am. I told them I would wait to get the blood drawn in case they wanted to add in an order for progesterone. When it was nearly 10 am, I could not stand it anymore and just drove to the lab. I had decided to try a new one that was attached to a local hospital that promised stat labs. Just after I had checked in at the lab the clinic called. She reassured me that as long as it was brown it was ok and that lots of women start to get irritated by the suppositories about now. So they were not going to check my progesterone but did state that if my value came back at at least 100 they might drop me down to 2 times per day instead of 3. I was called back shortly after I hung up and made sure to tell the staff several times that the beta was stat and the TSH and t4 were not. The phlebotomist said it was no problem but if I hadn't heard by 2pm to call the lab. Well 3pm rolled around and my clinic had not called so I rang the lab and found out that they hadn't run my beta yet because it wasn't put in as stat. AH! Seriously! After being firm with them they said they would run it right away. About an hour later my clinic called.
Beta #1 = 96 - The RN reassured me that I made their cut off of 100 because more than likely by the end of today I am 100. But man, by the skin of my teeth. Just to be safe they are keeping me on the Endometrin 3x/d until my repeat on Wednesday. It is hard to be super excited having gone through a blighted ovum and a missed miscarriage but I guess the first hurdle is just getting pregnant, yet we have many more to come in the next few weeks. Please be praying for it to double by this Wednesday. I am still having spotting but it is staying brown and it does seem to be connected to the suppositories. We did compare this to our blighted ovum cycle and today at 15dp3dt (18dp0) I am 96 compared to 17dp3dt (20 dpo) I was at 107. So hopefully that is a good sign.

mini update

2011-08-17T21:49:00.004-04:00

Today is 10dp3dt and my beta is not until 15dp3dt. This is because we are traditionally late implant-ers and to prevent what happened last time our new RE is making us hold out. Hammer and I are not doing a home test for that same reason but will be testing the morning of beta.

I've had to take a forced break from the internet to A) protect my sanity and B) to study for my exams. I was not mentally ready to take my tests post transfer so I had to impose an internet hiatus in order to pass (which I did!). But the next day I was consulting Dr. Google and having a meltdown. So I am imposing the hiatus again. So other than a quick update today I probably won't be posting again until beta day. I think they said I should get my results by 4pm.

I'm getting my butt kicked in the symptom department by these suppositories and have every symptom in the book: extreme fatigue, emotional (weepy), extremely sore boobs, cramps (not sharp ones like the last IVFs), hunger, headaches, constipation....really you should just go look up the drug information and it will give you the full list. It's been fun. I'm doing my best to keep up a positive attitude and the Circle and Bloom has helped if I can stay awake to do them. I honestly can't tell. At one point I let myself talk to Dr. Google on 9dp3dt and what pops up? My last IVF post. I Googled myself. So basically I have no idea how this will end.

I was shook up today though when one of my good IRL friends who had her transfer two weeks before me learned that her pregnancy did not progress past 6 weeks. She just learned today that she had a blighted ovum. It is all too deja vu as our first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. The worst part is that I'm away on business so Hammer is no where near me so give me hugs and let me cry for them and for the fears that it brings up for us. Four more days till beta....

Day 3 Transfer

2011-08-07T16:40:00.007-04:00

Today we drove down to our clinic for our transfer. The RE on call this weekend was the newest to the practice. He seemed very nervous but we learned later that he's had to overcome patients just being upset that they didn't get their doctor and it's not about his ability. Because he seemed nervous I was praying that the transfer would go well. Honestly it was the best transfer I've had to date.

Let me back up. They take things very seriously at this clinic in comparison to our old one. I now liken our old clinic to doing ART in a third world country. The new clinic made us both suit up into clean sterile medical garb. They took us back into the large procedure room that is set up similar to a surgical room. They have big vents that clean the air through two hospital grade air filters. (Old clinic did both the retrieval and transfer in their regular exam rooms and everyone was in street cloths and the vents probably haven't been cleaned since the 80's when it opened)

They got us set up in the room and then we waited a few minutes while the RE finished up with another couple. He came in to discuss the report of our embryos. Then they set us up for the ultrasound guided transfer. The RE did a test transfer which was usual but looking back I'm glad because it just ensured that the actual transfer would go perfectly. I didn't know he was done with the mock transfer until it was over. And the actual transfer was no different. They actually recorded the transfer so that they could replay it for Hammer and I a few times. We transferred three embryos listed in order of quality on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = best): 1 8 cell -compacting, 1 8-cell grade 1, and 1 6-cell grade 3. The remaining four are under 6 cells and grades 3 and 4 which will likely not make it to freezing stage and hence why we got our call this morning. But it was a very good sign to hear that one was compacting already which means that it was moving into the compacting morula stage.

We rested there for about 20 minutes while I listened to my Circle and Bloom recording and then got changed and back on the road. We drove straight to our acupuncturist so she could do the post transfer treatment (pre-transfer treatment was late last night). Then we returned home and I've been resting ever since. I took off tomorrow as well just to take it easy.

Part of me is a bit sad that somethings were the same but I think it was more so just from our day 2 report to today's. If they had never said anything about 5dt, then it would have just been status quo for the Hammers. But after some time I do feel at peace. We've done everything now, tried a new protocol etc. So whatever happens we'll be ok. Of course we are praying for the best out come :)

On the road again

2011-08-07T06:25:00.001-04:00

We got the call and while we have three good ones the others are lagging behind so they do not want to take a chance and are recommending a three day transfer. I'll post more later.

I'm Living Some One Else's Cycle...and I Like it.

2011-08-06T12:57:00.006-04:00

I just got off the phone with the nurse from our clinic. (the nice nurse, not my dumb one) Every embryo, all seven, is still perfect [perfect] and for the first time ever we are being told that they want to do a 5 day transfer. I was so shocked, I kept asking if they were sure. I think the nurse was confused by my response because at one point she very nicely said that she thought I would have known about this having done IVF before. When I responded that I was aware but that we've never had this happen before so I'm shocked and in unfamiliar territory, she was very understanding. She said that there is another couple who does not have the option of a 5 day transfer and she will be getting a call around 6 am regardless with a lab report so she would have the lab call her with news about our embryos as well. Then she will give us a call and we can decide what we want to do.

We really appreciated that because part of me is terrified that if we wait there won't be any embryos to transfer having never had this situation before. I know that there is a 15% increase in success rate with a blastocyst transfer which we probably need to take every percent we can get. I think I will just need that reassurance tomorrow.

Oh and I was not able to get some info from my dumb nurse yesterday so I asked nice nurse the details about our retrieval. Apparently.....ALL 11 WERE MATURE! Holy crap! And I guess they all fertilized but only 7 fertilized normally which is still ridiculous. A 100% fert rate?!?! I can hardly wrap my mind around this. I'm either having an out of body experience or I'm dreaming. Please don't wake me up.

Fert Report

2011-08-05T11:31:00.003-04:00

The retrieval went very well. We stayed overnight at my family's home to ensure that we would make our 7:15 am appointment time without a hitch. They took me back right away and I changed into my gown. It was such a different experience from our old clinic. Rather than doing the procedure in the same general exam room they had a full scale procedure room with high tech ventilation. I had my IV placed and then waited about 5 minutes before they took me back for the retrieval. Once I got my feel good drugs the only thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room and being told they got 11 eggs. Say what? Yes, 11 eggs. I've never had double digits before. But we knew that we really only had about 5 that were around the mature size so I didn't get my heart set. Our RE was actually happily surprised with the outcome as well.

Once I was feeling better we made the drive back home where I could sleep off the drugs and awaited our fert report for the next morning. I woke up some where around 1 am last night to use the restroom and felt compelled to pray for our embryos. Apparently our prayers were heard because we learned this morning that 7 fertilized normally. We are happy to hear and continue to pray that this is a good sign. We are set for our transfer on Sunday and will continue to be praying for our little embies.

Fast Track

2011-08-01T19:50:00.002-04:00

Well our retrieval has been pushed up to Thursday but more so because I have a few lead follicles sitting around 18 (x2) a 16 and 15 (x2) as well as a few 12's and several smaller ones that will likely not be mature in time. So while my E2 was better it seems I stimmed too fast in the first few days to allow for recruitment of more follicles. My lining was at 7.5 after just 6 days of meds so I hope that it will catch up as well. I was hoping that maybe I would have a better showing on this protocol but it seems that I will always get the same amount no matter what so our prayer is that these are healthier. We'll know more in a just a few days time. Trigger is set for tomorrow at 8:30 pm

frustrations and firsts

2011-07-30T12:13:00.006-04:00

Frustrations - working with the lab here in my home city to get our lab results down to the clinic has been a nightmare. Partly because the IVF nurse they paired me with is a moron and partly because the lab cannot do Stat E2. By the time I am writing this post we have called our clinic three times because the first order my IVF nurse called in was for HCG and not E2. Good thing I read :) and caught it. Then they said they faxed over the updated order but they did not and the nurse blamed me for giving her the wrong fax number. But I know I didn't because I have the fax number memorized because I've been having blood work faxed there for the last 4 1/2 years at a rate of almost once month. This was all occurring a few days before I was to get the blood work done. When I arrived on Friday morning at 8 am I discovered that the had not faxed the lab and the clinic did not open till 8:30. The lab tech was awesome and took my blood and clinic's phone number to harass them for me. I also left a frantic voice mail. Finally the correct order was faxed but she forgot to tell them STAT so by 4pm that day I did not have my E2 levels. To top it off the lab swore they faxed the clinic Hammers results but the clinic swore they hadn't received them and my nasty nurse was all mad at us saying that we would have to cancel the cycle if he didn't get it done. But even though we had paper documentation showing that the blood was drawn, she still was crappy about it.

Firsts - Finally today after we called the lab twice and the clinic twice I got the long awaited phone call that Hammer's blood work was received as well as my own. It was worth the wait. I have the highest day 4 E2 ever! Higher than the average people!!!!! For the first time in our lives they are DROPPING our meds to slow us down!!!! I cannot believe it. I only pray that this is a good sign that we have healthy eggs growing. Even if the number is no different than before if they are healthier that is all that matters. We are so thrilled.

I even made up a chart of where I compare to the average for each of my cycles so you can see just what I mean by best ever.

I cannot wait until Monday when I go in for our u/s to see how things are going. So for the next two days I will decrease my Follistim to 200, give 1 vial of Menopur, and 1 vial of Ganarelix. I will continue with my last stimulation acupuncture treatment on Sunday afternoon as well as continue my Circle and Bloom IVF/hip opening yoga sessions.

Hit Me Baby...One More Time

2011-07-26T21:28:00.004-04:00

Today I made the long trek down to our new RE's office. I am totally out of my element with this protocol so the whole time I kept thinking that I needed to be 'quiet' and follicle free. So when the ultrasound showed several follicles on the first ovary I had an internal freak-out moment. But when he said things were looking good on that side I was confused and it must have showed. He reminded me that there is no suppression and they want to work with the body's natural process of starting follicular formation and that things were timing very well. So normal breathing patterns resumed and I was given the all clear to start my meds tonight.

My meds are different than what I originally thought. When I asked about the changes, he said that he thought more about our needs and decided that Follistim and Menopur might work better. So that's what I'm using. I have to say that the Gonal was easier since I didn't have to load anything, just put on a needle, turned the dial and pushed. The whole spinning plunger on the Follistim is a bit disconcerting but I'll get used to it.

I feel totally normal this cycle, no extreme fatigue, hotflashes, and drugged brain. It's wonderful. I can only hope that my body is preferring it as well and it leads to better quality embryos. I am continuing to do acupuncture this cycle as well and really enjoy my quiet times. To add to those quiet moments, I also downloaded the Circle and Bloom IVF relaxation and imagery mp3's. They are quiet nice and lead you through visualization of your body doing what it needs to do at peak performance. From what I read if you really let yourself get involved with the process the results are much better so I'm embracing my body mind connection imagery as much as possible. I've been trying to put them at the end of my fertility yoga sessions with lots of good hip openers. School is continuing to go very well and it might actually be proving to be a blessed distraction. I hope it makes the 2ww go by fast as well since I will be immersed in studying rather than guessing and second guessing myself.

I go in for a blood draw on Friday and will get the next set of instructions for my cycle. Here's to visualizing those follicles growing healthy eggs!

Cycle Day 1

2011-07-24T16:48:00.004-04:00

Well after much confusion, Aunt Flow has officially arrived and I am scheduled for my cycle day 3 ultrasound. I think that 'irritation' confused her a bit but nonetheless she is here and we are ready to get started. I will also be incorporating the Circle and Bloom relaxation tracks as part of our cycle treatment in addition to our regular acupuncture. So for the next three days I will be thinking quiet thoughts for my ovaries. *Shhh* Be very, very quiet so that we can get this thing going.

P.S. I had a question about the IM shots; there will be no PIO this cycle as we will be using the suppositories and Ovidrel is subq so my tushy is completely spared :0)

OK, now for some quiet thoughts....

Officially 'Irritated'

2011-07-14T14:30:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we drove down to the satellite clinic for our education and pre-treatment treatment. It was a really nice, newly remodeled clinic. The staff was very nice and we went in right away to have the endometrial irritation portion of our appointment. To call it an ‘irritation’ is a vast understatement. It’s more like an endometrial torture session. I practically ripped Hammer’s arm off I was gripping it so hard. I happened to look up once at him and he was stark white and had a look of fear and concern. I’m assuming it was for me but it might have also been from the very real possibility of losing his arm. I took 800 mg of pain killers but it was nowhere near enough. I guess the positive side was that my cervix behaved and did not require it to be clamped to keep it stabilized which I hear is also incredibly painful. I still hurt from where they took the biopsy and I have to continue low doses of painkiller to be comfortable at work.

We did have good news though that both of our kayrotyping came back as normal. This was such a relief because I have been nervous waiting for the results and think that maybe there is something wrong. But all that worry was for nothing!

Afterwards we had our educational appointment where they went over my protocol, showed me how to use the follistim pen, how I could mix it with the Menopur to reduce the number of shots etc. It was here that we realized I will have NO IM shots!!! My little tushy is completely spared the pain of those gigantic needles. Instead of generic HCG which has to be mixed and administered in the muscle, they ordered Ovidrel which can be given subQ. And no PIO either because they ordered the suppositories. Seriously I’m going to think I’m missing something this cycle because it’s going to be sooo easy in comparison to what we’ve done in the past. That and I am going to be knocked out during the retrieval instead of wide away with only some dilautid and xanax.

So our cycle will start once AF shows up. On day 2 or 3 of my cycle I’ll drive down for an ultrasound to see if everything is quiet and if so we’ll start the stims. I’m getting very excited and am really praying that my body will be super nice and quiet because I really, really don’t want to go through an other ‘irritation’ or should I say ‘torture.’

Things I Forgot to Mention

2011-07-03T15:02:00.000-04:00

1. We are having karyotyping done to see if there is anything genetic that might be hindering our getting pregnant. If it's me we could do PGD but if it's Hammer then it's much more difficult. We're praying that our results come back normal for both.

2. I started school! Well prereqs anyway. This all was getting started back when we thought our last cycle had ended. I had just began the process of what it would take to get into the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner program back in November when our world turned upside down. And after we had our appointment with the andrologist Hammer was still leaning toward adoption. We discussed and thought that it would be worth while to start the school process. Honestly, I really didn't think we'd be doing another cycle as Hammer seemed like he really had his mind made up. But here we are, me working FT, going to school on weekends and planning an IVF cycle. Good times. Now if I could just ensure that I don't have a retrieval/transfer on Sat during class :) But honestly I'm just not going to worry about this. I've done this enough times to know the ropes and that everything works out just fine.

3. I've also made a commitment to not doubt this cycle and to just believe that it will work. Because it has before, twice. So I need to have faith that we are in the right place, with the right team.

Decision Made

2011-06-23T13:08:00.000-04:00

We had our second opinion appointment on Monday June 13th. It was about 2 1/2 hours to get down to the clinic so we gave ourselves plenty of time. The clinic was in a very nice office high rise and appeared new and modern compared to our old clinic which was a throw back to the early 90's. But looks aren't always everything and they needed to do more than win us over with their wood floors, comfy waiting room chairs, and track lighting.

We first met with a financial coordinator who explained that since we have to pay out of pocket they reduce the costs. But we noted that it will be about 2,000 - 3,000 more than what we had been paying at the other clinic. From what we can tell it's mostly due to the cost of the egg retrieval because they have an anesthesiologist on staff and they actually knock you out Unlike our last few cycles where I just got a shot of dilauded and got to watch (and feel) the whole thing. Although I'm fascinated by watching that sort of stuff so it didn't bother me too much. (I was the crazy girl who requested a hand mirror so that I could watch the dermatologist remove a mole from my neck; it was so cool.)

After this we were taken back to the RE's office. He was finishing up with a patient so we had time to read all his accolades and there were many. So he certainly won us over with all the awards and credentials: three time winner of the city's best fertility doctor, three degrees, two specialities etc. Finally we were able to meet him and he spent a long time going over the massive medical record we had sent ahead of time. He made several suggestions for a possible future cycle, confirmed things that we had been thinking, and overall made us feel very comfortable. He did do a physical exam and confirmed that everything looked good, normal and that I had ovulated a few days prior.

We left with a lot to think about, which is why I haven't posted. We decided to take some time to discuss what we had learned and where we felt we were being led. And while I love you all, Hammer is dead on right that I'm totally influenced by what I read about all of your successes rather than focus on what is best for our family. I just want to believe this will work and so I want to be told this by anyone who is willing. So, while it was difficult, we took our time to talk things through and pray about what would come next for us. And we have come to a decision......

We are going to do one more cycle!

So here is the plan:

Begin taking 75mg of DHEA a day. I take 25 mg three times a day which has been difficult because it makes me very nauseated. It doesn't matter if I take it with a meal or not. I hope it's worth it but the funny part is, if it works I'll probably still be nauseous; but it would be the best kind.
Increase folic acid to 1,600 mcg. He is of the school of thought that any MTHFR should increase folic acid and it won't hurt. He said I didn't need to the Folgard brand because he trusted that I would know what to do here.
Take baby aspirin 3 days a week and increase to every day after transfer. Same school of MTHFR thought here and I'm ok with that too.
Endometrial biopsy/irritation scheduled for July 13th. This was suggested by our previous RE and we brought it up to the new RE to get his thoughts. He said that it could only help and was happy to add it to the protocol. It is supposed to be similar in discomfort to an HSG although slightly less painful but since my HSG was a horrific experience I'm not looking forward to it. Thankfully Hammer will be there and can stay in the room. The theory about this is that if they irritate the lining it will cause it to react by 'repairing' and hopefully in this active state make it more likely for it to grab onto an embryo.
Antagonist protocol. Yes people, there will be NO lupron! Or birth control pills! After reviewing my starting estrogen levels he feels I was WAY over suppressed on the long lupron protocol. With start of new cycle at end of July I will begin Gonal on day 2-3. Compared to my last cycles, this should be like putting the pedal to the metal. Whether my body responds better will remain to be seen but he hopes that my overall estrogen levels will improve for better egg quality. I also won't be taking an LH drug like I did last time (Luveris) either.
Hammer does his 10 day 'prep' for day of retrieval. This is the game plan that Dr. Russell told us to do. We did mention that he had a fever but the RE said that by the time of retrieval he would be into another sperm cycle so it shouldn't be an issue.
Do assisted hatching. This is what we did with the last cycle so he wanted to continue that since it got us our best results.

I'll keep you all posted when I get my official schedule but that won't be until my July 13th appointment.

While I'd like to end on a positive note I do want to mention that another reason prevented me from posting. One of my IRL friends who struggled with many miscarriages finally welcomed a beautiful little baby girl at the end of April. At just 9 weeks old she developed severe jaundice this past weekend and was rushed to our children's hospital. Yesterday her parents received devastating news that she was born without a bile duct, a condition known as Biliary Atresia. While there is a procedure that they will be doing this Friday to create one for her out of her own intestine it's only about 30% successful. And regardless of this procedure she will have to have a liver transplant before she reaches 20 years old. This hit us very hard because they have become such close friends as they fully understand what we've been through. It made me question if we should move forward with this cycle. It just seems so unfair that they would have to go through this after such a long and difficult road just to have her. I would just ask for your prayers for this precious little girl, so loved, so wanted and so in need of a miracle.

Scheduled

2011-05-17T18:07:00.000-04:00

After getting some positive feed back from the andrologist we decided to make an appointment for a second opinion. So I finally made the call and it's set for June 13th, the day after our 7th anniversary. Nothing more romantic than having a complete stranger check out your who-ha right after celebrating the day of your wedding. Seriously though, this was the only date that worked out with Hammer's travel. Plus it's a good excuse at work to take a day off without raising too much suspicion. We're keeping this one very quiet since nothing may come of it depending on what we hear.

When I called I had to give our history to the nurse and I totally started crying when I had to discuss our last miscarriage. She was very sweet on the phone and ended up changing the RE she was going to schedule us with saying that the new RE would be better with 'unique' stimulation cycles and has a background in early miscarriage. I also mentioned that we were working with an andrologist and when I mentioned his name she had nothing but the nicest things to say. She also said that she would give me a form to send to them so that they would request our records from the RE so that we would not have to interact with them. So far things have been positive, let's cross our fingers that this continues.

One set back though is that Hammer had a very high fever on Mother's Day, like 102+ temperature. That means if we do anything it cannot be until the end of July or early August as we are out a whole sperm cycle. It's a bummer but I'm not going to worry about it because I can't. We might not even end up doing anything regardless so worrying is just not worth it.

Moving Forward

2011-05-02T13:09:00.004-04:00

We finally heard back on the results of our repeat DNA test. It has been great working with this doctor as he took so much time with us even on the phone. In his opinion he feels that we have moved into the normal range. Normal for people who do not need IUI’s or take up to a year to get pregnant are <20%. Since we now sit at below 30% we’re in the +1 year TTC, IUI and possibly IVF range so this is an improvement. He gave us some tips for TTC naturally but did recommend that we should still look for assistance only because it’s been such a long time. After some discussion between Hammer and I, we decided that we would at least get the second opinion. Dr. R gave us some suggestions for the RE’s in his area which he works with often and they were the same names that were recommended to us by others. So today I put in a call for an appointment with one of them. We’ll have to see when we can coordinate a trip to the clinic (~2 hours away) with our crazy schedules so I’ll post more when I know. Thank goodness I have family down there which would make any treatment we might do so much easier and a bit more affordable.

As far as naturally trying, Hammer and I have been doing the ‘Hopeful Protocol,’ as I like to call it, along with our TTC modifications for Hammer. I got this from the Happy Hopeful’s who are to welcome their first baby after TTC for several years and ended up getting prego this way. It involves taking the supplements evening primrose and flax seed oil during a cycle. It also has you take high amounts of soy isoflavones on the same days when you would have taken clomid which supposedly help make a healthier egg so it’s almost like poor man’s clomid. I can tell you that I definitely ovulate very ‘strong’ when I take this. This past month my temps started to go triphasic and I was late which I never have been before on the last three months taking these supplements (or ever for that matter). I even went out and bought some HPTs because I was two days late. I got a box of FRER and an EPT. The EPT was the only one where both Hammer and I swore there was a very, very faint start of a ‘+’ but that was all we got. So we think we might have had a ‘blip’ but there is no real way to confirm it. I am concerned that maybe the soy is messing up my lining similar to clomid so I’m taking a month or two off to see if it helps at all and made an appointment with my regular Gyn to see if she has any thoughts as well. We’ll still be doing the ‘prepping’ before TTC with some modifications as suggested by Dr. R on our phone conference. I now feel that I have the hang of the Ovacue and I love that it confirms ovulation (I got the extra attachment) which makes me feel more confident in our TTC efforts BUT we still have to use OPK’s to help us with timing things. So it’s not the money saver I was hoping for but when your DH has to do his thing for practically 2 weeks straight it is nice to tell him with confidence that he can take some time off. I’m actually feeling bad for him. I know it’s not like taking shots but seriously, if you were told you had to have a “big O” every day for two weeks imagine the pressure that would put on you. It’s not like with woman where getting prego doesn't depends on us having an “O” or not but it does require our DH’s to do so. And while it’s fun, I would l think 2 weeks straight of fun would really start to get old. He’s been a real trooper and I have to give him some credit. Thanks honey :)

Coming up for air

2011-04-28T13:33:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry to have disappeared for such a long time but I’ve been around and trying to keep up with you all by reading your blogs although I’ve not been commenting. Before I update you all I’d like to congratulate those of you who have had surprise miracle pregnancies as they give me much hope and I really need that right about now.

I’ve realized that part of my issues is that my mind has had to have time to decompress and comprehend everything that happened. With our tragedy occurring around the winter holiday times and being so sudden it was like my mind had blockaded off my emotions and prevented me from dealing with what all had occurred. But then we had a life event that really brought it to the forefront.

The weekend before we realized we were pregnant, Hammer and I had attended my cousin’s wedding. It was a ‘shot-gun’ wedding as she was already 4 ½ months pregnant. So when March rolled around we received an invitation for her couples baby shower. Hammer and I have been very supportive of the whole situation (it’s so much more involved that I can get into here) so we knew we were going. But when the weekend of the shower arrived it brought with it all the emotions that had been locked away.

The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine if you were standing in front of a dam that was bursting at the seams. You knew that it was going to break but there was nowhere to run and no telling when it would happen. And then something triggered those walls to finally give way and the water poured forth consuming everything in its wake.

I was sitting at the shower realizing that as the eldest granddaughter I would not be the one to have the first great grandchild. And every woman at the shower was pregnant or had an infant with them (except for my aunt and grandmother of course). And then it hit me. If we had not lost our baby I would be pregnant right now. That was the trigger and I was completely consumed with all the emotions that had been bursting to come forward for months. Thank God Hammer had come with me to the shower so that he could get me out of there and fast. It was more than I could handle but it needed to happen and I’ve finally had to come to terms with my emotions. That’s why I’ve been quiet for some time because I didn’t even know to write about what was going on because it was all so much to take in.

During these past few weeks we also had our repeat DNA test. The results were better but not stellar. Hammer definitely has that rare issue where his pre-sperm are fine (before they grow their tail) but during the maturation process as they make their way to the tes.tes to await eja.culati.on they get bombarded by free radicals and it destroys the DNA. We went from 48% to 27%, so we almost cut it in half and it is good that it’s under 30%. But it still leaves us in the borderline abnormal range. We are waiting to hear back from our urologist with his recommendations and because of the Easter holiday and Hammer's travel, it’s been difficult to set up a phone conference.

I’ve also been setting things up to get my prerequisites done so that I can start my program next summer. Fertility or home study have been on the back burner until we knew the results of the repeat DNA but things may start moving one way or another in the next few months as well.

We’re also finally figuring things out with this Ovacue machine a bit better to help make it work to our advantage with Hammer’s issue. It was actually helpful to have the DNA test this cycle because it helped us figure out the best way for us to TTC naturally and at one point we swore that it might have worked but now we’re pretty sure AF is on the way. Maybe next month, right?

Living in Limbo

2011-03-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

We have been praying for direction on what we should do next but we still do not have an answer. It has left us feeling like we are in a state of limbo. Do we move to adoption, pursue the second opinion, etc. We recently learned of a traditional adoption opportunity and while we prayed about it, it just didn't feel that we were being led to pursue it any further.  How is it that we are pretty much offered a child and yet we're still being told 'no.'  Maybe if we had the results of Hammer's DNA frag test it could help us make a decision about pursuing another fertility treatment but even that will be delayed. Hammer recently got a new position in his company that requires him to travel from now until July. This makes scheduling the DNA frag a nightmare because his travel schedule is only partially set and he could be scheduled for a trip at a moments notice and 10 days of prep would be wasted. On top of that we are trying to at least 'try' naturally which takes prep time as well and we can't do the test during that time.

I do have a question for anyone reading who had a D&C, ever since the procedure AF only seems to last for 2 days instead of my typical 3-4 days. I'm worried the procedure could have messed up my lining as I have read about that being a complication. This makes me worried that I won't have a decent lining during natural cycles even IF everything works.  Is this just a temporary problem? I really don't want to talk to my RE about it as we're pretty much done with him. Just going back for our last meeting was beyond traumatizing so I really don't want to have to go back there again.

As far as trying naturally, I am starting my third cycle using the Ovacue. It's an ovulation predictor that reads the estrogen and progesterone changes in saliva and cervial mucus. The benefit with this predictor is that it predicts 5-7 days in advance so it should, in theory, give Hammer and I several days warning to prep before I ovulated. The first month we tried right after the miscarriage was a bust because I deleted all of my readings a week and a half into the month so it could never confirm if I ovulated. This past month it did show that I ovulated but Hammer ended up sick and prep time was not possible. It will be interesting to see what happens this month with trying to time things.

A little piece of good news

2011-02-07T11:05:00.000-05:00

We got Hammer's blood work back and it was normal for testosterone and estrodiol. So we are on track for a repeat DNA fragmentation test in March. Until then we'll be popping supplements, drinking more smoothies and giving another natural cycle the old college try :)

Blog Awards

2011-02-03T12:01:00.016-05:00

Rules for "I Love This Blog" and "Stylish Blogger" Awards:

Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
Share 7 things about yourself.
Award 15 other bloggers (Yikes, that's a lot!)
Contact the bloggers and tell them about their award.

So first, a big THANK YOU to Kelly at Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess for the "I Love this Blog" award who just had her embryo transfer. Fingers crossed that those babies stick!

And another heartfelt THANK YOU to Brittany at Mommy-In-Waiting who is no longer waiting but a mommy to super cute baby John.

7 thing you might not know about Mrs. Hammer

I sing back up vocals at our new church and just love serving our church in this capacity. Especially since Hammer is a drummer and it means we get to serve together.
I usually work out at the fitness center in my building at lunch and time it so that I can watch my secrete addiction: Young and the Restless. Love those crazy Newmans!
Since the D&C I've been treating myself to decaff coffee and I LOVE IT. Oh how I've missed you!
I'm in the process of figuring out how to make going back to school a reality. How that looks with possibly seeing a different RE, I don't know yet. But it never hurts to look into it.
I recently became an aunt...to a puppy named Ada. My brother just got a dog and she is so cute!!
I love anything history related and therefore have become a huge fan of the Tudor's which is on Netf.licks. I know it's not historically accurate but I still love it!
I got a snug.gie for Ch.ristmas. I know I fell victim to the infomercials but it's really awesome and it has monkeys on it; I love anything with monkeys!

Just a few of the blogs I love!

Bouncing Baby Buckeye

Making Me Mom

Great Anticipation

Happy Hopefuls

Diary of a Crazy Person

Party of Five

It's Only Life

Paper Airplanes [private blog]

Of Cabbages and Kings

Fertility Hiccups

Double the Blessings, Twice the Love

Anything's Possible

Leave it to the Beavers

My Infertility Journey

Blessed Beyond Measure

Whew! And I could post more but my hands have cramped up...

Thrombophila Results and Breaking Ties

2011-01-29T11:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting about our visit to the RE this week. I had started the post that afternoon but then I had a 3 day work trip the very next day. And to top it off the monitor on my laptop cracked so it was basically unusable and hence no lap top to write my post. But now I'm back home with a computer so here it is!

******

We met with our RE regarding all the thrombophilia blood work I had done and everything came back as normal except one: MTHFR A1298C heterozygous. Apparently if you have to have one, this is the one to have. Yea me. And we never would have known about it if I hadn’t pushed for the test. Seriously, we are our own best advocates.

So what does this mean? Well it could effect implantation as well as clots that could have cut off blood flow to the baby. Although our RE is in the camp of Drs that only partially believe that it’s a problem so he wasn’t much help there. Honestly being back in that clinic talking with a Dr. that I have lost my trust in was so emotional for me. And to top it all off, as the RE was going through my results he absent mindedly pulled out our last ultrasound photos to get them out of the way while reviewing our chart and left them right there IN FRONT OF ME. So the whole time I had to stare at these pictures. Who does that?!?! I was really too emotional to talk and Hammer asked most of the questions, he did a really good job speaking for us. Here are some of the questions and answers we got back:

So do you think the MTHFR is part of our issues?

Not necessarily but I would put you on Folgard in the future.

So then as far as a possible embryo adoption cycle, would you do anything different?

I’d irritate the uterine lining because it might help with implantation although we generally use that for women who cannot conceive and you have proven that you can. It would really just be prophylactic since I think it might be an implantation issue. I’d also do the folgard as discussed and increase the progesterone.

Interesting that you would increase the progesterone. Do you think that this was our issue since the progesterone was 6?

No, your corpus luetum at that point in time was gone and the placenta should have taken over in the progesterone production so that’s probably why it was low.

So you don’t think that the progesterone could have been low the entire time due to an IVF cycle where you needed to give me progesterone thus causing a potential clot and preventing the placenta from functioning correctly?

Well most women don’t even need progesterone but we give it anyway because we don’t know who those women are necessarily.

Right, but in my case I wasn’t on any progesterone for nearly four weeks so could I have been one of those women?

[Here is where our RE generally makes odd faces and grunts while he tries to come up with an answer and generally ends up just repeating himself]

So if we did another IVF cycle what would you do differently there?

Same thing as the embryo adoption: uterine irritation, Folgard, increased progesterone and assisted hatching. [way to read our record because we did that this time!] You could also take DHEA at 50 mg.

Wouldn’t you want to test my testosterone levels first?

No, you certainly wouldn’t have high testosterone [Red flag for me here ladies because from what I've read you should never give it without testing first!]

So you wouldn’t change up the stimulation at all?

No other than maybe give you another 75 units of stims.

When we had a follicle check by Dr. S, he asked if we were on a combination Clomid/Injectable regimen?

I would not do that. There isn't enough proof that it helps.

At this point I was completely done. I feel like the deadhorse in the proverbial saying and he has the whip. Seriously, what more can you get out of me using the same protocol every time! We basically ended the meeting with him telling us to take some time to come up with a plan on what we want to do next.

Afterward, Hammer and I sat in the car for a bit to talk and absorb everything. While we did not come up with a plan, we did both agree that we were done with this RE. Hammer himself said that he didn't feel our RE understood how to help couples that fall outside of the norm like us. Finally! He sees what I see!!! We did discuss getting a second opinion at a clinic an hour and a half away (and that was Hammer suggesting this too!) but we're not moving ahead with that right now. Although we have learned that this clinic basically takes the patients that ours cannot get pregnant and need more unique, individualized protocols. Honestly it's not a given that this will happen but Hammer is more open to still trying after the most recent events. I think now I understand why I felt unresolved about ending treatment before. I was so frustrated at why I could not feel resolved about our treatments coming to an end and ready to move forward with adoption. I felt a bit of jealously for people who had this clear direction that I was lacking. I'm not sure what God is doing right now, why he allowed this pregnancy to happen and end the way that it did. The way is not much clearer than before and we are still praying for direction but we do feel that we are closer than ever to figuring things out.

Back from the Andrologist

2011-01-22T11:44:00.000-05:00

The long awaited, long overdue andrology appointment for Mr. Hammer was yesterday. We were actually concerned it wouldn't happen because a snow storm came through the day before. Since we were going to a satellite clinic where both us and the Dr would have to travel we had reason to be concerned. But the storm was not as bad as predicted and the snow quickly melted in the midday sun. We did make sure to leave earlier than planned and had no problem getting there.

We had been asked to complete a very extensive health history for Hammer which included the history of infertility on his father's side. And I also brought copies of every SA Hammer had ever had done by our RE plus the DNA fragmentation results and the list of supplements he is taking. I have to admit that I was nervous the Dr would look at how Hammer's SAs had improved, dismiss the DNA test and laugh us out of the clinic. When we arrived at the clinic we did not have to wait at all and Hammer was immediately weighed and we were taken into an exam room. Once in there we did wait nearly a half hour before the Dr came in. Hammer began to get increasingly more nervous but he never complained considering everything I had already been through, this was very minor. Once the Dr came in he apologized and explained that there was a lot of information to review and that Hammer was in a small but 'elite' group of men vying for the most SAs ever performed. Lucky us.

I'll just say it now, this appointment was everything that we prayed it would be. For the first time in a long time somebody took us seriously. He even created an excel sheet timeline (A man after my own type-A heart!) of each SA and had us fill in when the various supplements were added. He said that from where we were at right now based upon the most recent two SAs everything was finally looking normal and he felt we were on the right track. He reviewed the supplements and was very pleased with every thing Hammer was taking and said it was exactly what he would have prescribed (yea!) He did not think anything else was necessary which I was glad to hear.

Then came the part Hammer was dreading; the physical exam. But the results were good as well. There is a small spot on the left side that he'd like to get an ultrasound of but said it very well could be a benign cyst. He prefers to be thorough and still would like to get it looked at just in case especially with our long history of infertility. So we'll be getting that scheduled in the next few weeks. Hammer will also get his testosterone and estrodiol levels tested and if they are off he will be medicaid as appropriate.

Finally he discussed our DNA results which he agreed was a major problem. What vindication we felt after having our current RE tell us he "didn't believe in it." He confirmed that at our level it would not only prevent creation of a healthy embryo but would lead to early miscarriage. The fact that we had a healthy fetus this last time was a good sign that we are figuring things out. Of course if my body was involved in the loss of our last pregnancy then it does give us hope to know that we really might be getting closer. He is also going to have us do a repeat DNA test in March after we've done a few lifestyle changes i.e. get that darn laptop off you lap like I've been telling you for the past 3 1/2 years *sigh* And also because I discovered that while we were in Marco Island, FL Hammer sat in the hot tub so the Dr wants to make sure that we've had 3 months of supplements post 3 months from the hot tube incident of 2010. He also confirmed that 'cleaning the pipes out' before the test would be helpful except instead of seven days he wants ten days, abstain one day and then provide the test sample. When we told him we did about 6 days prior to our most recent IVF he was very encouraging about the benefits of that technique for our success.

We left there so encouraged and hopeful. I wish I would have demanded a referral the minute we got the first DNA test results. But in reality we would have likely ended up going to the super old local guy and not this one. I'm so glad we chose this Dr. and both Hammer and I agree it was not only a great decision but we would refer anyone we knew to him in a heartbeat. He took so much time with us, listened to us, made us feel so comfortable, was so professional and knowledgeable and we haven't had that sort of treatment in a long time.

So the plan:

Ultrasound of the left side 'spot'

Blood work for testosterone and estrodiol

Continue vitamins and lifestyle changes i.e. laptop

Based upon the results of the blood test we'll do a repeat DNA test in March or early April with the 10 day; abstain 1 day; test sample 'technique'

If our results come back close to or in the normal range then he would have us do the 10-day technique for our next fertility treatment. Of course Hammer and I need to talk about that part. Ever since Hammer found out that our baby was healthy he's pulled back from adoption. It was totally unexpected so honestly I'm not sure what this means quite yet but we're just taking this one step at a time. This coming Tuesday we'll learn about the results of my labs.

I am my best advocate

2011-01-11T16:57:00.000-05:00

So after some thought, I did not get my blood drawn on Saturday. Instead, I waited till Monday and requested that they add in the test for MTHFR. Which they did. So later that afternoon I had 5 vials of blood drawn; one for each test. We'll have our appointment to get the results on 1/25 and maybe we'll have some answers.

Completion

2011-01-07T18:04:00.001-05:00

Today AF arrived which signaled the completion of our miscarriage. Really everything with the D&C was text book. I barely bled the day of the procedure, had no bleeding for 20 days after the surgery and took about 5 weeks for AF to arrive. I suppose if you have to go through one this would be the best outcome.

I also got my list of additional blood tests that I will have drawn tomorrow:

factor V (Activated Protein C Resistance) - treatment = heparin or aspirin; may need Foligard if due to high homocystine levels

antithrombin III (AT III) - treatment = heparin

protein S (normal is greater than 60% non pregnant, greater than 35% pregnant; If positive retest for free and total values) - treatment = heparin

factor II (Prothrombin) - treatment = heparin

So at our next appointment we'll get those results as well as for the other two tests for anticardiolipin or lupus anticoagulant.

I am curious why he is not testing for the following:

Protein C - recommended to be tested along with protein S
Fibrinogen
Factor XIII
fibrinolysis (PAI-1)
thrombosis (Human Platelet Antigen-1)
Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) gene

I know that I've read they have been associated with 2nd and 3rd trimester loss but I have also heard that a high number of people have MTHFR and that if it is associated with another of the clotting tests that it's a bigger problem. Hmmmmm.

Thank you for all your kind comments and those that shared your stories. It's been a great encouragement. And let me clarify that when I say, "I'm to blame" it's more a wording rather than a negative thought I have about myself. So no stinkin thinkin is going on :)

D&C Results Are In

2011-01-05T15:50:00.000-05:00

We just got the results of the D&C. There was NOTHING wrong with our baby.

Of all the results I prepared myself for this was the one I feared. Strange really since it should give us some comfort and joy to know that we can make healthy babies. But now I have to deal with what caused our baby to die. Was it my body? Or worse, was it because of a lack of progesterone because they had told me to stop giving it? I have literally being avoiding this possibility because I have been afraid to let my mind wander down such a dark path of anger and blame if I didn’t have any proof. But now I’m not sure what to think. I am getting more blood drawn for additional tests to see if for any reason my body rejected the baby. Until I get these results I’m still going to withhold my judgment for my own mental health. I still need to recover emotionally from this loss. I should know in 2 weeks if I am to blame or our clinic.

D&C and Next Steps

2010-12-28T10:18:00.002-05:00

I delayed posting this because really, who wants to read about a D&C at Christmas? Not me. But I wanted to get this out and over with before the start of the new year. That way we can put this horrible mess behind us and try to move forward.

On Thursday Dec 2nd Hammer and I drove to the outpatient surgery center. I had been NPO (no food or liquids) since midnight and my stomach was a ball of nerves. We checked in at the front desk and I swear the lady knew why I was there because she kept giving us these, “I’m so sorry” eyes the whole time. Hammer and I sat in the waiting room and I snuggled into him with my head on his shoulder. I could not believe that we were actually waiting to have this procedure and my eyes would well up with tears from time to time. Finally a nurse came to take me back to the pre-op room and I had to leave Hammer behind for a bit. As we walked towards the big double doors to the pre-op area I had to stop and broke down and cried. The Nurse gave me a big hug and I apologized that the reality of what was about to happen just hit me hard. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and said that we’d walk through together. And we did just that all the way to my pre-op room. Once she drew the curtains closed she gave me a huge hug and then to my surprise told me that the Lord has not forgotten me and has plans for us. Wow. She was so sweet getting me settled in and once she was done she went and got Hammer so he could sit with me. While we waited in pre-op Hammer kept kissing me and telling me to remember each one. And then at one point he told me that he was talking his vitamins because he heard that couples are more fertile after this procedure. We had a longer wait than expected because our anesthesiologist got a phone consult. During that time I kept rubbing my tummy and saying goodbye to the little one that was not meant to be. Once he was off the phone he came in to tell me what anesthesia I would be on but really all I cared about was that I was out cold and wouldn’t remember a thing.

Finally they came to take me back. I was wheeled into the operating room and helped up on to the table. The anesthesiologist asked me some questions which I don’t really remember now because he was adding my drugs to the IV. I do remember my doctor attaching the leg harnesses to the table and I had a moment where I realized what an unattractive position I was about to be in with my legs splayed in the air. And at that same moment I realized the lights were spinning around above me and the last thing I remember saying was, “Oh good, the lights are starting to look funny.” And I was out. The next thing I remember was coming to in the recovery room. My first instinct was to reach out and touch my stomach but that brought on the realization that it was all gone now and I wept. I had a new nurse attending to me and she brought me tissues and sat with me. And to my amazement again this new nurse told me that the Lord has plans for us. She let me cry, comforted me and never left my side except to get Hammer when it was time to leave. It was overwhelming to think who these women are that spoke words of comfort to me in our time of sadness. They did not know us, our faith, what we had been through but both of them spoke the same words, “The Lord has plans for us.”

I spent the rest of the day sleeping off my anesthesia on the couch while Hammer took care of me. I was sore and had to take ES Tylen.ol for the pain. The next day my mom came and stayed with me while Hammer went back to work. Later in the day my brother stopped in to keep us company and watch movies. By evening time Hammer came home from work and my dad even stopped by. We all had dinner together and honestly it didn’t feel intrusive or overwhelming, in fact I enjoyed having them all there.

Saturday, Hammer was determined to make our house look Christmas-y. Secretly I think he thought it would cheer me up. He put up the outside lights and even took me out to get a tree. I only wanted a small one but we ended up leaving with the biggest tree we’ve ever had. The stump barely fit in our tree stand. But Hammer insisted on it even though he had to carry and put it up with very minimal help on my part. Later that day he brought up all the boxes of decorations even though he ended up putting most of them by himself once I had tuckered out and passed out on the couch. I appreciated all he did that day as my initial response was to do nothing this year. But now that Christmas has come and gone I think it would have just put me in a more depressed mood to have done nothing.

Sunday evening was my parent’s church’s annual Christmas Cantata which my mother performs in every year. It’s also the church where Hammer and I were married. While we attended I don’t think I was prepared for the overwhelming flood of emotions that hit me. Sitting there made me think about all the dreams and plans of a future together, of a family that were made on our wedding day. And now we sat there 6 years into our marriage, childless, with nothing to show but years of heartache and two losses. I broke down into tears and cried nearly the whole time.

Afterwards they had refreshments and I ran in to the choir director and his wife. They learned that morning of our loss when my mother shared with them what had occurred (she had asked me first). They went on to tell me that their own daughter is now expecting after 7 years of trying and loss and she too had been silent about their struggle and asked her parents to say nothing. Because of this they had suspected that we were having the same issues and revealed that they had been praying for us for the last two years. I was so touched and it brought me to tears once again. I now understand why my mom had asked to share with them.

Three times I had been touched by words of comfort; twice from a stranger and once by a family friend who I had been reluctant to let into our struggle. It has made me realize that we are not forgotten and that the support of trusted family and friends is so important. I will not sugar coat the fact that going through our second Christmas in a row after a miscarriage is one of the most difficult experiences to endure. But I do feel hopeful and I don’t know why exactly but I just feel like we are going to be ok.

We have an appointment for Hammer with an Andrologist at the end of January and maybe we’ll get more answers. But for right now the fertility treatments are done. We still need to discuss the option of embryo adoption but the appointment for the adoption agency is on hold until next year. We just need some time. I am still waiting for my period to come. I’ve read that it takes 10 days after the procedure for your hormones to come down and 20 days without bleeding for your body to reset properly. I have not had any bleeding since the day of the procedure and we’re now at 26 days post D&C. Hopefully AF will be coming soon. I’m actually looking forward to her arrival as it will finally signal the end of this whole debacle. Our results from the D&C are not back yet but we will have an appointment hopefully in the next couple of weeks to discuss the results of the testing and my blood work. Right now I am just using the clinic to get the testing done and trying not to burn bridges in case we need to use them for embryo adoption. I hope that 2011 will finally be the year for us to expand our family one way or another.

Wrapping my Mind Around it All

2010-12-12T19:47:00.002-05:00

Now that it's been a little over a week since our D&C I've been trying to get a grip on everything that happened starting with how our IVF cycle ended now that I have all of the information. So here is the whole synopsis.

I guess when they called us with our blood hcg on 10.23.10 the level was 5 and apparently anything 5 and under is negative. So the RN just told me the blood value was negative. I got my period the next day which I thought was odd because normally after I stopped the progesterone it takes like 3 days to come. But I figured it was a blessing. I had a normal 4 day, full blood, yucky, crampy period. Then we went about our lives trying to move on. We went out, ate sushi, drank wine (a glass) etc. I was tired but it was also daylights savings time so figured my body wasn’t adjusting well. Then around Nov 8^th or so I was having mild nausea but it would come and go and wouldn’t be every day so I really thought nothing of it. That same day I started having what I thought was ovulation pain on the left side. I had that sharp twitching that lasted just for a a few seconds and never happened again. I went home that afternoon and took an ovulation test which came up very positive. Even though we didn't 'prep' Hammer for that cycle we did enjoy our selves that night. I had ordered some Instead Cups as I had heard they might help keep the boys up near your cervix. I thought this would be a good time to try them out but certainly didn't think that anything would come of it. On a side note, the Instead Cups fit "most" women but I am not one of those women. When I took the cup out after only a few hours and feeling very uncomfortable the whole time I saw blood and it freaked me out. I have never had mid cycle spotting but I figured that maybe I just irritated my cervix too much trying to make my first attempt to put it in. Total disaster. So I resolved to get a Diva Cup instead which come in different sizes. November 11th was our meeting with the RE and while I sat in the office with him making random guesses that my eggs must be bad because "what's left," I was actually pregnant, oh the irony.

I went to get the flu shot on Monday Nov 15^th and had to fill out the same form 3 times because I kept circling ‘yes’ that I was pregnant and I totally didn’t think I was. I chucked it up to wishful thinking and fatigue and got the shot. A few days later the nausea came in full force and while I never got sick it was hit or miss if I could get up the urge to eat anything. I thought I got the stomach flu from the shot and totally forgot about how I had mild nausea the week before. Later in the week my mother kept telling me to take a HPT but I refused rationalizing that it didn't make sense because I was only a week and a half post ovulation, or so I thought. So certainly my nausea couldn't be morning sickness. My period was supposed to arrive on Friday Nov 19^th but because we’ve been dealing with this for 4 ½ years I’m not really quick to test and wanted to wait to see if it was actually late. We had a wedding for my cousin that weekend so we were out of town and staying at my parents house. I have to admit that over this weekend I did start to get suspicious. My boobs were totally getting sore, the fatigue was setting in but the nausea was lifting a bit and the food cravings and aversions were starting. I was starting to feel more like I did with our first pregnancy where my symptoms started right away. So based upon that factor I thought that maybe we did get pregnant on our own. I never thought that it could be from our IVF cycle because I had a blood test that was negative and period!

When Monday Nov 22 rolled around and my period was nowhere in sight I took a test and it came up positive immediately. Hammer and I were shocked but we totally thought that it had happened naturally. I called my RE and asked for a blood test. The next day we were shocked again to hear it was over 61,000 which falls around levels for 8 ½ to 9 weeks. They immediately scheduled us for an u/s the next day. I took the day off of work just in case which turned out to be a very good decision. At the ultrasound the room was a bit crowded as it was our RE, a student, Hammer and myself. When the image of our baby showed up on the monitor I was totally shocked to see just how far along we were. This was the first time we had ever seen not only a placenta, but an aminotic sac and a little baby attached by it's umbilical cord. It had little hands and feet but as much as I tried to see it there was no flicker on the screen. I kept saying "I don't understand, I had a period, I had a negative blood test." Our doctor did measurements and officially told us that he didn't see a heart beat. He then started rambling on about the crown-to-rump length but honestly after I heard that there was no heart beat I didn't hear anything else. I was in total shock but I do remember telling him that I can't end the pregnancy just yet. After the ultrasound we went back to his office and I slumped into one of the chairs and kept saying, "I don't understand" over and over again. He said that we would be just fine waiting till next week and had his RN schedule another ultrasound for the following Wednesday. When we left the office we went to see my mom who was in town and told both her and my brother, who happened to be there, our shocking news. My mom is a former pathophysiology professor so she was whipping out her manuals and asking us developmentally what we saw on the monitor. It was at about 7 1/2 to 8 weeks development. We went through Thanksgiving weekend in a state of shock and sadness. I totally felt pregnancy symptoms the entire time which was confusing. I could barely eat any of the Thanksgiving meal as I was having food aversions and spent most of the night asleep on the sofa at my Aunt and Uncles house. As the week went on leading up to our appointment I noticed that I started showing. I also discovered I could only fit into two pairs of pants. I'm not a large person so it was very apparent that at only 91/2 -10 weeks that my tummy was sticking out already making it much more emotionally difficult to know that our baby was gone.

The day before I requested to have my hcg and progesterone done so we would have the results at our appointment. The following Wed I had both Hammer and my mother come with me. I also requested no student be present as it was just too much to handle that again. Unfortunately the ultrasound confirmed again what we had already learned the previous week. My mom was there to ask questions that we just wouldn't think of to ask or be too emotional. The baby looked smaller on the screen but I think it just wasn't as good of an angle as the last time. This time we could wrap our minds around it a bit more and felt more prepared to make a decision. My hcg though had continued to go up and was now near 70,000 while my progesterone was only 6. I was hoping that maybe if the hcg was going down it would help make a decision but I was surprised to hear about the progesterone. I have to say it made me suspicious since I hadn't been on progesterone at all. But our RE said that the majority of women don't need the progesterone and likely what I thought was ovulation was my corpus lutem twitching as it worked to increase the progesterone. But I still wonder as I have heard that low progesterone that does not cause bleeding can still cause a decreased amount of blood to the fetus. Our RE offered to let us go another week if we needed it and did say that we could do the Cytotec to bring on a natural miscarriage. But I was completely traumatized by that experience and I only had a gestational sac of 5 weeks that time. We decided to do a D&C because we wanted to have a pathology report done to see if it would give us some answers since we've tried for so long to get this far only to have so much happen and end in tragedy. I had a d&c scheduled for the next day (Dec 2). Since I was 10 week along and my placenta was quite large I didn’t want to try to have a natural miscarriage anyway. There was no knowing when it would actually happen since my hcg kept on rising and I was totally showing already. I don’t think I could have handled having to buy maternity pants just to wait out a miscarriage. And since I didn’t have any medical care, i.e. I stopped my progesterone and thyroid medication, we wanted to know if that was the cause of our loss or if it was genetic.

[I'm going to brag about my mom here because I think she is amazing]

On another note, my mom hated our RE. It made all my feelings more justified. I completely trust her medical opinion above all else as she is literally a walking medical dictionary. And she went head to head with him on the DNA fragmentation. Apparently because I had been talking to her about it she went and looked up the research herself. As editor of a medical journal and NIH grant reviewer she knows good research from bad and agrees with the research on DNA fragmentation as a likely cause of our issues. As we sat there still in shock and disappointment we did enjoy our RE getting his butt handed to him while my mom argued her points. Way to go mom.

Upcoming post...D&C and next steps.

At Peace

2010-12-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all your prayers and support. Today we went in for a follow up ultrasound but we did not see any growth or signs of a heart beat. I am scheduled for a D&C tomorrow morning. Last time I did the Cytotec pills but that was when I just had a small sac and this is much more significant. Also this way Hammer and I can have a pathology report done to see why we lost our little one.

It is interesting to note that when we questioned further if our first beta was truly negative we found out that it was in fact 5. Apparently they categorize anything 5 or less as negative. That is fine except that ours was clearly not a true negative. It has shaken my confidence in our clinic and leaves me feeling that they helped put us in this bad position. I know it might not have changed the outcome but it does add to our frustrations.

Shocking Update and Desperate Need for Prayer

2010-11-24T17:05:00.000-05:00

Oh where do I even begin. So I was expecting my period on Friday of last week but it was late. I decided that maybe I was still messed up from IVF so Hammer and I decided to wait until Monday to test if I hadn't gotten my period yet. When Monday rolled around and AF was no where to be seen I pulled out a free internet cheapie, did the deed and in mere seconds the test turned up positive. We were shocked.

I called my RE's nurse that morning and went in for a blood draw late that afternoon. Some where around 11am the next day I got a call but I could not have been prepared for what she was about to tell me. My HCG was over 60,000. I was speechless. She told me that my RE thought that maybe the first beta was a false negative but since I 'bled' i.e. thought I got my period, we didn't do the repeat beta.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound today at 10:30. Sure enough there was a gestational sac, yolk sac, and fetal pole. But to our dismay there was no heart beat. The baby is measuring a bit off based upon dates, i.e. more like 7 weeks.

Hammer and I have decided to wait and do a repeat ultrasound next Wednesday. We are asking for you to pray with us for a miracle. Our hope is that some how this baby implanted so ridiculously late that we are just looking too early for a heart beat. We know that the chances are extremely slim but God does do miracles.

I still cannot get over the fact that I've been walking around for the last four weeks completely unaware that I was even pregnant. Looking back I did have some tell tale symptoms. But I think because I had such heavy bleeding immediately after our negative results, and that the bleeding lasted for four days we just could not imagine that I could be pregnant. I mean for Pete's sake I thought I ovulated. I even took an ovulation test! As a side note I did go back and pee on another ovulation stick to see if maybe it would come up positive now that I knew I was pregnant and it did so I am just floored and very confused. Please pray for us during this time. We can barely wrap our minds around what has all transpired in the last three days. Going from thinking we conceived on our own, to having extremely high hcg, to an ultrasound without a heart beat. It's just excruciating and even more painful having seen a little baby with it's tiny arms and legs inside of me.

Fertility Misfits

2010-11-18T10:05:00.002-05:00

We had our WTF(lip) meeting last Thursday (11/11) and we walked out of there more frustrated than before. This is why I have taken my time posting about it because I’ve had to wrap my mind around all the emotions I’ve been having since then.

Our RE’s determination is that I have poor egg quality. When asked what makes him think this his reply was, “What else is there?” I argued my normal FSH, AMH, normal to low-normal ovarian reserve, and our quality day 3 embryos which are powered on my egg’s DNA as well as my husband’s DNA fragmentation. His reply was that he really didn’t believe in the DNA fragmentation so the only thing left was that it must be my eggs. He continued that regardless of what the labs might say I didn’t stimulate the best so it must be my eggs. But when I brought up that a poor responder was categorized as someone who makes less than 4 mature eggs and that has not been the case with me. I always have ended up with 6 or more mature eggs at retrieval. I may not respond great but I also don’t think I was on the right protocol for me. Our RE shrugged and said that this was the best guess he could give us since he didn’t believe in the sperm DNA. Nice. This is why I wanted to go somewhere else for our last IVF. Clearly I was not going to win this battle and it was better to drop it since I still needed their help for a few things.

We asked for a copy of our records for a few reasons A) We wanted all of the SAs that we’d had since being there B) I wanted documentation of all the drugs I had been on C) and we might get a second opinion at another clinic about 2 hours south of where we live (this is a big might by the way). We also got the names of two physicians that specialize in male reproductive health. Not just a urologist but an andrologist. There were only two physicians that I had found on my own that work in this specialty in our state and it was good to know that these were the only two which were recommended. So we have our appointment set up for January 14th. We went with the younger of the two because we are both sick and tired of older physicians who are so set in their ways. Plus the younger one does some of the newer surgical techniques that are better and less invasive so we are also hoping he might be more open to our DNA problem as well. The other one had been practicing for over 30 years and he sounds as old as the hills. I’m sure he’s very smart but I don’t want to go from one old dog (RE) to another only to find out that he just agrees with our RE.

We also found out more about the embryo donation program at our clinic. Basically they require that the couple has to have used donor eggs first. What? What if you have a male factor issues? Nope, they make you have to use donor sperm and you are not eligible for donor embryos. Well that is just not an option for us for our own personal reasons. I’m not forking out the money for donor eggs just to have them fizzle out as well because of our retarded sperm so that we can get donor embryos for ‘free.’ But we did hear good things about a clinic in Tennessee that is very reasonable in price although we still have to do the homestudy piece with them. (Apparently that is not a requirement with our clinic)

So our next step in that adventure is meeting with a local adoption agency to do the homestudy. Hammer works with a guy whose sister-in-law is a co-founder of one of the largest agencies in our city. His co-worker is going to pull some strings to get us in quickly to start the discussion. So you know, these strings won’t get us a better homestudy or a quicker match so we’re not bumping anyone.

In the meantime, my body actually ovulated on its own, ON TIME. Wow. That has never happened before the first cycle after IVF. I was thankful that I didn’t have to go through more frustrations with my own body. I was totally caught off guard by it so we missed taking advantage of it but honestly I don’t think we could have even been emotionally ready so it’s no big deal. In the last few weeks we did decided that if we were going to continuing trying on our own we’d invest in a fertility monitor. I ended up buying an Ovacue because it gives you an estimate of ovulation 5-7 days in advance. Since we have to ‘prep’ Hammer for 7 days prior to BDing for ovulation I thought this was better than a Clearblue which is only 2-3 days warning. The other benefit is that you don’t have to buy any test strips as it has a sensor that tests the hormones in your saliva. Apparently all these hormones show up in your saliva before they even hit your blood or your urine. So we’ll see how that goes and I’ll keep you updated. Eventually I will likely make an appointment with the doc who does NaPro technology but for right now this is MORE than enough to keep us busy. That and we just want to enjoy the holidays. So on that note, if I don’t post before hand – Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I may not be commenting on your blogs but I am reading them, all of them (and not just the ones on my blog roll which is seriously out of date!)

Day By Day

2010-11-04T09:55:00.003-04:00

That’s how I’ve taken things, one day at a time. The first few days were spent very tearful and I was thankful to still be at the beach where I could just ‘be’ and hide my red swollen eyes behind sunglasses. On the way home we stopped to visit one of my husband’s best friends. When they get together it’s a non-stop laughing session. And we needed it. We needed to laugh so hard at the dumbest things until our sides hurt, until it hurt to breathe, until we cried because for the last few days these things were brought on by sorrow and not laughter. We needed laughter.

During the drive home we tried to talk about ‘what next’ because it’s helpful to me but not for Hammer. He needed time and I needed to plan and the discussions were not productive. So we had to back off. I found it more difficult to handle the emotions now that we were headed home. Its one thing to lie on a beach and accept the outcome but it’s another to have to head back to your life and realize that it will not include a pregnancy and a child of our own.

We both took the day after our return off of work to recover, do laundry and catch up on things. It was also an intentional day off just in case things didn’t go ‘as planned’, which they didn’t, and I thought I would need an extra day to just absorb everything that had happened. At work I put on a ‘happy face’ and gushed about the perfect weather, kayaking in the ocean, watching dolphins, everything except the most important thing because I keep my work life separate from my personal. On my first two days back I had to conduct a training for about 20 staff. It’s one I do twice a year so I know it like the back of my hand and it was so good for me to not have time to think and to just be busy.

And so we’ve kept busy by having dinner with friends, seeing local music, attending fall parties; anything and everything so we don’t have to think about what could have been. I’ve gone four days without crying. I’ve held newborn babies. I’ve laughed. I’ve eaten sushi and drank wine. But I don’t feel free. I thought that after it was over that I’d feel ready to move on to something new that held more promise of expanding our family. Maybe I just need more time. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t explain it.

Hammer and I have talked some more now that we’ve assimilated back into our regular schedules. There is just one last piece that both of us want to pursue. Hammer has never been evaluated for MFI. After all this time (4 years!) we’ve had mixed opinions by our doctors on is or is he not affected by MFI. His first SA showed him just above the cut off for normal. His first three IUI post washes were a dismal 11, 13 & 17 million. And of course, let’s not forget his DNA frag at 48%. We did find out that after vitaminizing the heck out of him he posted a prewash of 100 mil and a post wash of 56 mil. But clearly whatever is affecting the DNA is making a viable pregnancy impossible. So we’d like to at least have someone check to see if there is something that can be corrected. Even if we are going to be pursing adoption that does not mean that we’re not going to be praying for a miracle so why not at least check things out. This means that we’ll also be looking into a urologist in our area that specializes in MFI just to make sure that we haven’t missed anything. We will also have our last WTF(lip) appointment on the 11th where we hope to find out more about our clinic’s embryo donation program, get a copy of our records and find out if they have recommendations for a referral for Hammer.

But for right now my goal is five days without crying.

IVF #4 Summary

2010-11-01T09:59:00.004-04:00

8/22 - Hello friend = AF shows

8/23 -> 9/29 - Acupunture

8/24 - FSH = 5.5 (yeah!)

8/24 -> 9/13 - BCP

9/6 -> 9/24 - Lupron 10 U/d

9/21 baseline u/s - E2 = 16 supressed; total of 13 antral follicles puts me in the low normal category which is excellent for me!

9/25 -> 10/6 Lupron 5 u/d

9/25 -> 10/6 - Gonal 225 u am & pm

9/29 - follie check #1 L = 6 follies R = 2 follies Lining = ~5mm E2 = 127

10/1 -> 10/6 Luveris 75 u/d

10/2 - follie check #2 L= 14, 13, 11, 9, 9 R = 13, 12, 8 Lining = 8mm E2 = 737

10/5 - follie check #3 L= 20, 20, 17, 16, 16, 13 R= 19, 15, 10 Lining = 10mm E2 = 1,915 *Best ever!

10/5 - trigger 10pm

10/6 - TSH = 2.54, Free T4 = 1.1

10/7 - retrieval day = 9 eggs retrieved

10/7-> 10/12 - medrol 16mg

10/8 - Fert Report #1 Of 9 eggs retrieved, 7 were mature

4 fertilized normally
1 fertilized abnormally
2 did not fertilize

10/9 - Fert Report #2 "Ham"bryo's

4 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
2 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
4 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation
6 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation

10/10 - 3 day transfer

"Ham"bryos in the oven

10 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
*Assisted Hatching performed

10/10 - acupuncture pre & post transfer

10/14 - progesterone check = 85.3

10/21 - beta #1 = Negative :(

Many Thanks

2010-10-25T14:04:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers of comfort. We are, obviously, heart broken. It's so frustrating to have done all of these treatments only to end with such certain finality. I know that our issues with high DNA fragmentation make this situation a more likely outcome but it does not decrease the pain of another failure.

While we will be taking some time to recover we will be moving on to adoption, possibly embryo adoption/donation and/or traditional domestic adoption. Of course, just because you stop fertility treatments does not mean to stop trying and praying for a natural miracle. We'll be exploring some other natural options as the adoption process can be long. We have sp.erm and I do ovulate on my own so maybe with time we'll eventually have the right sperm meet the right egg...that is what happened with Hammer. It took his parents 14 years before they conceived him and I can tell you that they were definitely not putting forth nearly as much effort as we have been.

This blog will not end it will just change a bit. I welcome you all to follow along with us as we continue to walk down this long and winding road to becoming parents. You have been such a support system for me that I could not imagine continuing on this journey with out all of you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Mr & Mrs Hammer

Not meant to be

2010-10-22T10:43:00.002-04:00

We just learned that our blood test was negative. Three beautiful embroys...gone.

24 hours

2010-10-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

That's how long until we'll know the outcome. On 10dp3dt I hadn't actually fallen asleep until 2 am and then woke up at 7:30 am. I was so exhausted and I think I ended up with a migraine because my head was pounding all day and I was nauseated. I ended up going to bed at 9:30 pm to try to get myself back on a schedule. I did fall asleep but then woke up at 2 am, grrr.... I ended up tossing and turning and falling back in and out of sleep until about 8 am. During that time I had wild, vivid dreams that were all over the place and made absolutely no sense. On top of that, when I was up at 2 am I was extremely hot and cramping. Not intense painful cramps but more like pre-AF cramps. The cramps have continued today (11dp3dt) and I am STILL tired. But the bbs are totally 100% not sore anymore :( With our first pregnancy and chemical I had sore bbs so I'm concerned about that symptom being missing even though I know many women (several of them are you my dear readers) do not even have sore bbs. At this point I'm totally confused and leaning towards it not having worked. I did get my blood drawn today but we won't hear until tomorrow morning. I still can't bring myself to test partially because I'm scared and the other part because I just don't want to waste the money if we're going to find out soon. But I have to say the suspense is killing me. I just want to know so I can be put out of my misery. At this point I think we need a miracle.

The State of Affairs (9dp3dt)

2010-10-20T01:02:00.001-04:00

It's 12:40 am and I can't sleep. Not that it's from worrying but I seriously have not been able to fall asleep. Things have changed since my last post. Even when I look back at my symptoms across the last few days I think, wow this could have worked. Except that beginning 8dp3dt (11po), which was the morning of my last post, my symptoms started disappearing over the course of the day. The sore bbs began to decrease and there was no cramping. Today at 9dp3dt they are practically non-existent although I have started with mild cramping this evening.

Last two cycles on 9dp3dt I had sharp painful cramps but these are very mild in comparison and more like typical PIO induced cramps. Maybe in the last two cycles that was late implantation? I have begun to wonder if maybe our embys tried to make it causing all those glorious symptoms early on but didn't which is why they are fading? I still can't bring myself to test so I'm left with going through all these mental hoops. When our cycle worked last time I was so fatigued compared to this time where sleep is evading me. Yesterday I was up at 6:30 am and again today. I was happy to see that I was fatigued all day today and was hoping that it was a good sign like last time but here I sit still typing away at 12:48 am. I just have a feeling that we'll be getting bad news on Friday. Hope is ever elusive and my faith is struggling to keep afloat. This is it for us, our last chance to have a child of our own. And while I do look back and remind myself that God gave us three beautiful embryos it is not a guarantee that it worked and that frightens me to death. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking at too late of an hour. I think I do better in the day time when I can spend my time sitting on a lounge chair watching the ocean waves and pods of dolphins swim by every few minutes. Five and a half more hours till the sun comes up. One more day until beta.

8dp3dt

2010-10-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

The beach has been an amazing distraction. I really don't have any desire to test prior to beta because I just don't want to ruin my vacation. I'd rather not risk seeing a negative screen and possibly spoil a beautiful cloudless day on the beach. Especially knowing what happened with IVF#2 where I had negative tests up until my beta of 24.

On the symptom spectrum, I've been all over the place:

7dp3dt (10dpo) Sunday - cramping mainly on the right side, nausea, (TMI) loose stools, but no bloating & has gone away almost completely, super sore bbs
6dp3dt (9dpo) Saturday - mild cramping, sore bbs, constipation, bloating ultra nauseas and nearly lost my dinner over night, room was almost spinning.
5dp3dt (8dpo) Friday - nausea in AM resolved with eating, same at lunch, sore bbs, constipation, bloating
4dp3dt (7dpo) Thursday - abdominal bloating, constipation, twinges & pulling (possibly from constipation?)

The lack of bloating and loose stools has me really thrown while the other symptoms are encouraging. So I really just can't tell one way or another. One minute I will feel like it didn't work so I'll talk to my emby's to let me know if they are there and then end up with a ton of symptoms. It could go either way people. I just think the bloating being gone is the most concerning but then Hammer reminds me that PIO can either give you constipation OR diarrhea and that if I have the latter I wouldn't really be bloated like I was last time when I was contstipated the whole cycle. *sigh*

I think all this thinking calls for some sunbathing...

3dp3dt

2010-10-13T10:53:00.002-04:00

This is a big day for the "Ham"bryos. If all is continuing to go well they should be hatching out of their shells and beginning implantation. We hope to have made this a bit easier for them by having done assisted hatching prior to the transfer. I've been having mild cramping on and off today and yesterday but this is pretty much par for the course as far as IVF cycles go. I think it must be the progesterone since this is the third time that the cramping has occurred and we have had BFN & BFP. So now I'm on 'twinge watch' to see if I can feel any twinges of implantation. I think I do but maybe I just want to feel it.

Right now I have indulged myself and have taken off the entire week since Thursday we are heading down to FL for vacation. Normally I'd be at work but I have to say this is much better. Yesterday, since I was feeling crampy in the morning, I continued to take it easy. Later that night, Hammer and I went to a concert. I was a bit concerned when I was there because the bass was so loud that there was massive vibration coming through the seat and into my pelvic region. I began to worry that I was literally shaking our babies to death but I have no idea if that's possible or not. Regardless I ended up kneeling on the cement during the opening band. I think the people around me thought I was crazy - they would be right. Once the headliner came out everyone was on their feet so no kneeling was needed and the bass was not nearly as bad.

Today I'm occupying my time with packing and wrapping up a few things before we take off tomorrow. I sure hope that this trip is an excellent distraction from all things 2ww related. I found that sitting at my desk at work only ended up in me pretending to work while I put myself through all the mental contortions of "Am I/Am I not" and sought Dr. Google hourly for confirmation. Maybe forced internet absence will be a good thing. Don't worry, it's not total absence. I promise to keep you all posted.

"Ham"bryos are in the oven

2010-10-10T15:05:00.002-04:00

Well the transfer went really well. We started off our day very early at the acupuncturist. I laid there envisioning my uterus getting ready for the 'planting' of our embryos and praying that we had healthy ones to transfer. We had been told to arrive at twenty after eight with a full bladder. But when we got there the clinic wasn't even open yet! Then I started to worry that the reason was because all of our embryos had died over night and they had cancelled but forgot to tell us. (irrational I know) But shortly after we saw the front desk girl pull widely into the parking lot, clearly late. My bladder has yet to forgive her.

We had the on-call RE who was wonderful and who was the same RE who did our retrieval. I think he performs the best retrievals at the practice because I felt so good afterwards unlike last time. Anyway, the RE came in with the report on our embryos to discuss what we would be transferring. We were shocked to hear the best report we have ever had!

10 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation

We've had maybe one 8 cell grade 1 but the rest have been of lower quality. So even though we've had more embryos the quality just was not as good. We ended up deciding to transfer all three and our RE highly recommended it since we've had previous failed cycles. Afterwards we headed back to the acupuncturist to 'cover' up our embryos. So now I'm back home on bed rest. We're praying that at least one makes it's home for the next few months.

Fert Report #2 - The Power of Prayer (aka keep it coming ladies!)

2010-10-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and positive thoughts. We got our call this morning at about 8:40 am regarding the transfer time. We are all set for an 8:45 am ultrasound guided transfer for tomorrow. While on the phone with the RN I asked if I would still get a call from the lab. She said she wasn't sure but that if she got the message to schedule then everything should be going well. So I hung up with her and immediately called my acupuncturist with the transfer time so that we can schedule our pre & post sessions.

Shortly after that my phone rang again. It was the lab. I was greated with a chipper female voice but the whole time I was holding my breath that maybe she was just one of those overly happy morning people bearing bad news. On the contrary, she reported that all four of our embryos are growing strong. Our lab grades early embryos on a scale of 1-5 (1 being the best) and then gives percent fragmenation. Day 2 embryos should be between 2-4 cells. Our little "Ham"bryos are:

4 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
2 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
4 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation
6 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation

Did you read that? NO fragmenation!!! The Embryologist encouraged us that the grade 3's having no fragmentation typically mean that they were in the process of dividing when she looked at them and not to be concerned at all. She said that everything looks perfect. We discussed how many we'd transfer because we have elected to do assisted hatching. Typically this is used for a number of things but one of them is when a couple has had failed IVF cycles with healthy embryos, and that's us. Hence the Medrol that I'm taking to prevent any inflamation that could harm our embryos and their intentionally cracked zona. Hammer and I are very encouraged and thankful for all of your prayers and ask that they continue as we wait till tomorrow to put our little "Ham"bryos back where they belong - at least for 9 months.

Fert Report - Prayer needed

2010-10-08T09:28:00.000-04:00

Well of the 9 eggs we retrieved, 7 were mature but only 4 went on to fertilize normally (1 abnormally & 2 did not fertilize). We will have our transfer on Sunday. Please pray for our four little embryos that they continue to grow and divide normally!

Trigger and So Much More

2010-10-06T09:13:00.001-04:00

Last night we had everything set up to do our trigger at 10pm. We were lounging around on the couch watching a movie in our pajamas when my cell phone rang at about 8:30pm. It was one of our good friends who live in town. Hammer has known the husband since high school and the two of them moved to our current city around the same time when looking for their first jobs. As couples we've been close for many years now so it was not unusual for the wife to give me a call.

What was unusual was the frantic voice that I heard on the other end rambling on about ambulances and if we could watch the kids. Apparently her husband was having a late dinner and somehow a small chicken rib bone slid down his throat. He could get some air through but they had to call the ambulance as the bone was very far down. We immediately told her we were on our way over to watch the kids.

When we got there the paramedics were able to get a good portion of the bone out but our friend still felt like there was something lodged in his throat. So they went to the ER to get an X-ray and rule out any remaining bone fragments while Hammer and I tried to calm the kids down and get them back to sleep.

They have a 3 year old and a four month old who were obviously woken up to the sound of sirens and 6 men trampling through their house. Strangely enough we were able to get the 3 year old calmed down the fastest, probably because we could reason with him a bit letting him know that his daddy was alright and just 'getting a check up.' He was out by 9:30 which gave us enough time to do the trigger at exactly 10pm. The baby was just totally rattled and it took till about 12:30 am before I finally was able to get her to fall asleep. Our friends came home around 2am with news that the did find an additional bone fragment in his throat and were able to remove it with a scope while he was under sedation.

So while everything ended well we are exhausted. I had to call in late to work since my normal time to get up is 5 am and less than 3 hours of sleep is just not going to cut it. That and it took me forever to fall asleep because we were both wound-up. At 8am I woke up to do the HPT trigger test so that I could call the clinic by 8:30 with the results. I tried going back to bed but my phone rang again and it was my clinic calling with my TSH results. I have to say I'm a bit perplexed by them. They tell me they want my TSH below 2.5 but when my results came back slightly over 2.5 they said it was fine. How can it be fine if it will continue to rise above 2.5 with my increasing estrogen? She said that they can retest at the beta blood draw but as I understand you need it below 2.5 to implant so what if it's too high to implant which makes the next blood draw null and void? I tried to argue logic with her but it was going no where and it probably didn't help that I was still very, very groggy. Time to enlist the help of my medical family and call my brother the nurse practitioner for advice. But first I to get ready for work. Hopefully our retrieval day will be much less eventful!

Better

2010-10-05T10:08:00.001-04:00

Better. That was the overall assessment for today. And I’ll take it. I had another RE today but this one was the happy-go-lucky RE. I think it’s exactly what I needed. I didn’t need the fatherly face of my concerned RE but a hopeful one and that’s who I had today.

I compared my current count to our more successful IVF #2 and we’re not too far off.

L= 20, 20, 17, 16, 16, 13

R= 19, 15, 10

Lining = 10

E2 = 1,915

IVF#2 at this point had 19, 17, 16x4, and 12. We retrieved 8 mature follicles and 7 fertilized. I hope that my E2 being higher than ever means the healthiest eggies yet. I also requested to have my TSH/free T4 checked today just to make sure everything is just perfect for implantation.

So we are scheduled to trigger tonight for retrieval on Thursday. Please be praying that our estimated 6-7 follicles are all mature, that they fertilize and that we have healthy embryos for transfer on Sunday.

What to say....

2010-10-02T10:45:00.000-04:00

Well the theory still stands, 'What I see on follie check #1 is what I will have" But today during the ultrasound while Mr. Hammer wrote down all the measurements the RE was making, I was just sitting there singing a worship song in my head. I actually had a moment where I realized I didn't hear what they were saying because I was so focused on my song. Weird. I suppose it was a good thing because the news was not showing improvement just status qou. I did have a moment where I teared up afterwards but I think overall this is about as good as we can expect. There really is no explanation for my right ovary's lack of response so I'm just going to accept it and continue to pray for a miracle this cycle. I've heard of women with fewer follicles than me get pregnant and women with more follicles than me end up not pregnant. There is no way to know the outcome at this point and it's all in bigger, more capable hands than mine.

I have one more follicle check on Tuesday and we were guaranteed to trigger that night. So our retrieval will be Thursday and I'm pretty sure we'll have a 3 day transfer again which will be on Sunday the 10th. Our prayer is that both Hammer and I have done all we can to create healthier eggs and swimmers.

Progress Report

2010-09-29T13:44:00.000-04:00

I had my first blood draw and ultrasound today. Mr. Hammer and I were both prepared, pen in hand, to write down all the details. In walks a RE I rarely work with. He is very nice but not as detailed as we have been used to. So I have no idea what is going on in there other than that there are 6 follicles on the left side and only 2 on the right. Why righty is so bare at this time is unknown to us especially since she had the larger amount of antral follicles. He kept saying that we can recruit more even though Mr. Hammer kept repeating back that what we see at the first ultrasound is what we get. Then the RE switches to how they were at least all the same size so hopefully they keep growing at the same rate. I hope so too because that was our issue with the microdose lupron cycle.

I know that I do have an issue with one ovary being more dominate than the other. And it changes each cycle, so one time lefty is the good one and the next righty is the good one. I guess it’s lefty’s turn this time. At least all 6 of the antral follicles we saw in her have come out to play. I’m not going to hold my breath that righty will pop out the other five in time to catch up because we couldn’t even see the ‘buds’ of developing follicles and I have a history but you never know, right? I wonder too if righty might not be as healthy as we think because she had the endometrioma spot on her. So I do hope that maybe having lefty hold the majority will be a good sign if it’s the healthier ovary.

What I am going to do is take this lack of details as a sign that I don’t need to worry about those things and just focus on praying for the follicles that I have. It is a bit more peaceful in some ways knowing that no matter what happens we are going forward with the retrieval and that this really is the last cycle. I thought I would be more emotional but I think that will come later depending on the outcome. I really feel like right now I am just taking things as they come and since I can’t change anything or fret over what we’ll do next cycle it’s rolling off my shoulders a bit easier than before. If this had been any of the earlier cycles I don't think I would have been as calm with Mr. Laid-Back RE but today I'm just not going to get worked up over it. I have follicles (period).

So my prayer over the next few days is for my eight follicles to be healthy and that all of them are mature of retrieval.

Today at lunch I went down to the fitness center at my office. They have an open area away from the treadmills and weights where there is a TV. I plugged in my yoga podcast and pulled some privacy screens out so that I had my own little make-shift yoga studio. It was so nice and peaceful to do yoga. I meditated on all my follicles growing evenly and my right ovary producing more follicles and I prayed over my current follicles that they would be healthy and praised God that he has already picked out the follicles that will be transferred and with His blessing will be our little one. It was such a nice lunch break; I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.

I also have been loving the Gonal-F pen! It’s like all these blogs I’ve read with women on Gonal or Follistim have talked about the stims being relatively easy. Well I can tell you that Bravelle is a pain. Each vial has to be mixed separately and it’s such a process because you have to use the drug immediately after mixing so nothing can be done ahead of time. It would take me forever in the morning to administer my meds. Now I just dial, pull, stick and click. I feel like I’ve joined this elite IVF drug club and it’s wonderful. I have no idea if using this drug will be any better but even if it’s not this is SO worth it. And even better, my copay was the same!

‘E’ is for Exhausted

2010-09-17T12:21:00.000-04:00

‘E’ is also for Estrogen, which I have little to none of right now and is cause of the aforementioned exhaustion. Who knew just how important estrogen was on your energy levels until you take a drug that tells your body to stop making it. Do I remember being this tired on the long lupron protocol? The other problem is that lack of estrogen also affects your memory so…I can’t remember! It’s just too funny. Thank God for acupuncture appointments because A) I get a 30 min nap twice a week and B) the treatments help me sleep a bit better for about a day or two.

The other thing 'E' is for is *Eurp* which is the sound the body makes when it’s about to *ahem* …lose its lunch. Now on IVF#3 I do remember feeling that way very, very clearly but it was due to the dexamethazone with both Hammer and I were on. We could not wait until we were finished. Between the two of us, I think we ate 1 ½ boxes of saltine crackers in a week to try and keep the nausea at bay. So all I have to do is remember how bad I felt last cycle and this nausea is totally manageable.

So I have my suppression check next Tuesday and from all the symptoms above I think I’m going to be suppressed. Plus let’s recall that with my last three IVF’s I had E2’s all under 15 (yes I said 15 not 51, I get REALLY suppressed) I think they want you anywhere between 25-75 but I lost the argument with the RE about pulling back on the lupron a bit. Whatever; just give me my stims on the 25th so I can get this E2 back up and start getting some decent sleep. I know that the only timing difference between the microdose lupron protocol of IVF#3 and long lupron is the extra week between stopping the BCP and starting the stims but when you are this tired it feels like an eternity. It’s like the key to feeling rested lies in a vial in my fridge but I can’t use it for a whole 2 weeks. Basically my fridge is taunting me every time I open it, “Ha Ha I have your Gonal and you can’t have it.”

It might also be because we are just both ready for this cycle to be over with and the outcome known. So I guess ‘E’ is also for Expectations. It’s hard to be really excited about this cycle. Can God still let us get pregnant this time? Absolutely! If we didn’t believe it we wouldn’t be doing another cycle. But it’s so different going into a fourth cycle versus a first cycle. And I also think its different going into this cycle after a miscarriage. I don’t have the first time giddiness, I don’t have the desire to buy baby items ‘just in case,’ there is a cautiousness that I haven’t had before. I was talking with an IRL friend who is also going on five years of TTC with a history of miscarriage and we were literally planning what was going to happen after our cycles AND THEY HADN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET! How horribly wrong of us. It’s like saying to God, “Yes God I know you gave us the green light on this cycle but instead of spending my time praying and believing that you could make this cycle work I’m going to plan for what comes next.” I totally know it’s a survival method to protect myself from disappointment and to give myself hope for a future if it ends badly, or worse, in another miscarriage. I’m so glad I caught myself doing it and was able to stop and remind myself that by planning ahead I’m not praying for the eggs that I will be growing that COULD be our baby. I think I needed that wake up call. I know I’m not going to be giddy with excitement like the first time, I know I’m looking at this from a more realistic perspective, but I also know that God is bigger than my fears and doubts. He’s asked us to take this step with Him one more time so in faith we are doing it. I think I just need to 'mentally' move forward one step at a time, focus on what is going on right now and be in prayer about it. And then when we accomplish that step, we’ll move on to the next. So suppression accomplished? Check. Next step, follicles (which start with ‘F.’)*

*Hey my last two blog titles are in alphabetical order (D= Vitamin D, E= Exhaustion) so why not, ‘F’ is for Follicle? Too bad I skipped over A, B, & C. Oh well.

Getting my ‘D’ on

2010-09-07T10:51:00.008-04:00

I don’t know how many of you have heard of the recent study strongly correlating Vitamin D levels with increase success rates in IVF. This article was published in Fertility and Sterility just this month. To summarize, they had 84 women undergoing IVF participate. Of those women they saw a 6% increase in clinical pregnancy for every ng/mL increase in serum Vitamin D levels regardless of age, race, weight or number of embryos transferred.

Experts are saying that serum levels between 50-70 ng/mL are more optimal and this is higher than standard "normal" levels. So now I’m self medicating. I’m taking 4,000 IU of vitamin D for 1 week and then dropping it down to 2,000 through beta #1 pending a successful cycle where it will continue.

*I've fixed the link
**I found 2,000 IU pills at my local grocery store
***I haven't had the chance to talk to my RE yet about it since I just found out on Friday but I figure it won't hurt and with my background as an RD I feel comfortable self prescribing. Seeing that they've given 4,000 IU to pregnant women I'm not too concerned.

Timeline for IVF #4

2010-08-30T13:23:00.000-04:00

Well I officially got my calendar from the clinic and have updated my status bar. We will really be cutting it close to our vacation day. But I did a little searching and there is a Que.st Diag.nostics lab in Ma.rco Isla.nd, FL so we won't have to worry if blood work is needed while we're out of town. Now if I can just convince Hammer to get on a plane...we'll have to see about that. So far the BCP have been easy with just a little nausea but not too bad. I have my meds all set up to arrive on Wed so I'll be good to start the lupron on 9/6. IVF #4 here we come!

Say “hello” to my little friend…

2010-08-23T14:16:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I went to bed feeling completely normal with no signs of AF to be found. Sunday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and discovered she had crept in while I was sleeping. I have never been so happy to see her in my entire life. I called my IVF RN right away to alert them to my cycle start but since it’s the weekend I know I won’t hear from them until Monday afternoon. The best part is that my day 3 FSH will be on Tuesday, which is the BEST possible day to have to get that lab drawn!! I can already see God taking care of us. And of course now I feel very small that I was so worried on Saturday. Yep still human. I still don’t know for sure if we will be on track to take our vacation to FL but if my rinky-dink calculations are somewhat accurate we just might make it. Hopefully I’ll get our schedule this week!

So today I start my acupuncture appointments. And just in time too, I was really missing my afternoon naps!!

The Waiting Game

2010-08-21T07:49:00.002-04:00

Well I know almost for sure that this cycle is a bust, I think. Actually I'm not really sure what to think. I THINK today is 14 days past ovulation so I THINK I should be getting my period either today or tomorrow. I really need this cycle to start on time for a couple of reasons.

1) I have to get a day 3 FSH prior to starting my BCP. Doesn't seem like a big deal except that I have two acupuncture appointments this week and we're leaving for Canada on Thursday. If AF doesn't come on time I'll either have to cancel one of my appointments or figure out if there is a lab near the boarder that will take my insurance. I might just call my RN once AF arrives and ask exactly how necessary the FSH is at this point.

2) Hammer and I were invited to stay in Marco Island with his aunt in October. Our concern is that if we don't start this cycle on time we'll end up missing out on the trip because our transfer will be that same week. Obviously the transfer is the priority but who wouldn't want to spend their 1 -1 1/2 week wait by lying on a beach.

Right now I don't feel at all like I'm going to start soon and that is making me quite nervous. I even had a script for prom.etri.um but my RE did say that if I O'd on the script my body would still be controlling when my period started. Basically, I'd be in this situation with or without having taken the prom.etri.um. *sigh*

Dear Ute,

Please, for once, cooperate with me. I'd like to think that you would want to get this show on the road as much as the rest of me. I know these past few months haven't been easy and what I'm about to do to you might end up in 9 months of housing a small human but if you read your job description you'd notice that was part of the deal any way. I can't promise that you won't go through another miscarriage (which was not fun for either of us) but if it works it will be worth it. What I can promise is that I'll never turn you into the octo-ute.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Hammer

Well that was unexpected

2010-08-10T17:50:00.000-04:00

With my first natural cycle after IVF #1 I knew I didn't ovulate. My RE seemed skeptical but I assured him that I knew my body and there was no way I ovulated. This was later confirmed with a blood test.

With this cycle I was prepared and walked out of our WTF appointment with a lab order in hand. He also told me that he could go ahead and write a prescription for prometrium and forgo the blood test but I wanted to see what my body could do on it's own.

By the morning of cycle day 16 and 6 negative OPKs I gave in and called the RN to ask for a prescription to be called in, seriously why delay IVF #4 if I know it's not going to happen. If I haven't ovulated by this point it just wasn't going to happen. But wait...what was this? Fertile quality CM? Are you kidding me? Literally 6 hours after I called the RN. The next day I was staring at a little smiley face on my CBE digital OPK. I was shocked. Fortunately I had held off on taking the progesterone to see what would happen after my discovery in the bathroom.

I really can't believe I ovulated. And it makes me wonder if I was under suppressed on the microdose which could have caused all the erratic follicle sizes. There is no way to know but at least we get one more shot at a natural cycle. Otherwise we are scheduled to start BCP the last week of August. Just a bit delayed since I ovulated 3 days late.

Acupunture and Infertility

2010-08-02T07:59:00.010-04:00

For Q&A #3
Amber asked: how has your experience with acupuncture gone? I have my first appt. Friday. Could you give me a little insight into what they actually do and where? Also if you don't mind how much do you pay per session?

I absolutely love doing acupuncture. One of my friends who is a 2xmother after successful clomid + IUI turned me on to it. For her it was the only thing that made her ovulate as clomid alone was ineffective. I started doing acupuncture with our second IUI. If it wasn’t for the sessions I would have never pushed for the lap to remove my endometriosis. It gave me amazing pain relief for my cycles and I realized that I had been miserable for years. After my lap I felt like I had a new body. She also pushed me to get my thyroid checked out because research has shown that TSH over 2.5 reduces fertility. Now my RE’s office has an official TSH policy for all of their patients because of her.

Typically for IUI you lie on your back and they put needles into points in your calves, stomach and wrist. My Acupuncturist will also ask about stress, headache or sleeplessness and do extra points in my forehead and ears if needed. Inserting the needles hurts less than getting a finger prick for a blood test. If you have a good person you should hardly feel it at all. The ears do hurt a bit more but it's really not bad at all. There are usually 1-2 sessions pre-ovulation and one post ovulation. I pay $75 for a 45 minute session but I think the first session I ever did was $90 minutes because she did a whole health assessment before doing points.

Because acupuncture for IVF is twice a week for a month she lowers her rate to $60. My first IVF cycle I didn’t include acupuncture and I will never make that mistake again. It was a mandatory naptime twice a week during IVF and kept me so calm and rested compared to the first time. The points are totally different. You lie on your stomach and get needles in the back of your calves, hips and wrists. The calves and hips then have a low current run through them which is supposed to increase blood flow to the pelvic area. The sessions stop right before retrieval. And then the day of transfer she does a session pre and post transfer on the same day. These treatments are done in your stomach to prepare the lining for the impending embryo. They say it is like planting a seed; the first session is to create the hole for the embryo and the second is to cover up the embryo. There are very well documented studies that show 10 treatments of low current acupuncture and pre/post transfer acupuncture have a significant positive affect on IVF pregnancy rates. We’ll definitely be doing acupuncture again for IVF #4.

I love my acupuncturist because all she does is fertility related and she mixes Eastern treatments with Western medical. She’s always up to date on the latest fertility studies AND I think she has excellent needle technique as it’s not uncomfortable in the least.

*As before if you have any other questions for me just leave them in the comments and I will do a post about them.

Sp.erm DNA fragmentation: what's next

2010-07-27T07:57:00.023-04:00

For Q&A #2
Mrs. Katia asked: I'm wondering, though, if you ever re-checked Mr. Hammer's sperm fragmentation after a few months on the supplements? We might have the same problem here, and my husband is on pretty much the same stuff! I was excited to see that. However, we aren't going to send in his sperm before trying again. I'm just curious if you know there was a difference in the dna integrity or if you're hoping like we are. Thanks!

Excellent question and one we’ve been debating about for a few months now. Prior to our cancelled IVF cycle #3 we were set on not checking. The reason was because the decision would not change if we were doing IVF or not. But now that we’ve had a chemical pregnancy via IVF to IUI conversion we’ve become more curious about whether all these supplements have been effective. We’ve never had ANYTHING happen with our 5 other IUI’s. And we have time to get it checked prior to IVF #4. Being faced with the very real possibility that IVF will not work for us has made us wonder now, with supplementation, if we could ever get pregnant on our own. And the chemical pregnancy has given us some hope – crazy huh? Will that stop us from IVF #4? Nope. But if we have to move on to adoption it’s not like we’re going to stop trying on our own. The question then comes, do we stop the supplements? If they work, then the answer is no. But how will we know if we haven’t tested! And that is why we are now thinking it might be worth another check. Plus we’re currently on my insurance which will pay for 60% of the cost. Not too shabby when you consider that almost everything else is out of pocket.

So it’s very possible that in August we might be retesting Hammer’s DNA fragmentation. For those of you reading that are thinking, “What on earth is she talking about?” Don’t feel in the dark! This is a very rarely tested sperm analysis. We only got it tested because we kept getting gorgeous day three embryos to transfer that would end up in BFN or miscarriage. Typically the egg DNA drives the first three days of cell division, after that the sperm DNA kicks in and if it’s no good then there is no baby. Here is an excerpt from an article in RESOLVE about SCSA (the DNA test):

"Sperm DNA fragmentation has little or nothing to do with the parameters that we measure on the routine semen analysis. It has little to do with the shape of the sperm or whether the sperm are moving. It is a completely independent variable. Men with otherwise normal semen analyses can have a high degree of DNA damage and men with what was called very poor sperm quality can have very little DNA damage. More importantly what has also been demonstrated is that the degree of DNA fragmentation correlates very highly with the inability of the sperm to initiate a birth regardless of the technology used to fertilize the egg such as insemination, IVF or ICSI. Sperm with high DNA fragmentation may fertilize an egg and embryo development stops before implantation or may even initiate a pregnancy but there is a significantly higher likelihood that it will result in miscarriage. By testing for sperm DNA fragmentation, many cases of formally “unexplained” infertility can now be explained. Many of those couples who have been previously unable to conceive with what would be considered extreme measures have been diagnosed with high sperm DNA fragmentation and treated. It is now very clear to see that having this information about the quality of the sperm can be tremendously helpful to couples and their physicians."

Hammer’s family has a history of infertility on his father’s side so when everything looked good but left us empty handed we pushed for this test and TAH-DA! 48% fragmentation, which is really, really bad.

<15% normal
15-30% good to fair = IUI or IVF for higher % in the range
>30% poor = IVF w/ICSI

If you want to read more about it, Conceive This!, wrote a really great post about it. And then there is also this website where I took the excerpt from, that provides another explanation.

So what causes it?

"The causes of high DNA fragmentation are those same causes of male factor infertility that we have known about for years such as chemical/toxin exposure, heat exposure, varicocele, infection, age, smoking, testicular cancer, radiation, and anything that increases the free radical levels in the semen among a list of many other things. It is very important to understand that sperm DNA fragmentation can change with time and it can be improved in many cases. The goal of a male factor evaluation is to seek out the causes of poor sperm quality and try to correct them so conception can occur naturally or to improve the sperm quality for IVF and maximize the chances of success."

How we have been treating the problem: (Hammer’s Supplements)

-Vitamin C 1000 mg (500 mg morning and evening)
-Vitamin E 800 IU (400 IU morning and evening)
-L Acetyl-Carnitine 1 gram
-L Carnitine 1 gram (morning and evening)
-Pycnogenol 100 mg
-Co Q-10 75 mg
-Centrum’s One-a-Day Men’s Health

In addition to vitamins we are both drinking antioxidant smoothies:

1 oz acai juice
1 oz pomegranate juice
1 oz frozen wheat grass
½ cup organic blueberries
½ cup organic orange and/or pineapple juice
½ cup organic yogurt
2 tbsp raw honey

I will say that, for myself, after 6 months of drinking these smoothies, plus a multivitamin and 100 mg Pycnogenol I went from having questionable antral follicles on my left ovary to having excellent numbers on both sides with my left better than my right! So if it worked for me I really hope it worked for Hammer.

*As before if you have any other questions for me just leave them in the comments and I will do a post about them.

Old Plan, New Twist

2010-07-23T13:00:00.003-04:00

For Q&A #1
Karaleen* (Kdactyl) asked: "Are you going to insist on a different protocol or see another RE? I know you are concerned about response and the fact that your current RE has not changed much up to try for a better result..."

Our meeting yesterday went well. After giving things some thought and a ‘pre-cancellation’ conversation I had with my RE, we came to a decision that we hoped our RE would support. Hammer still wants to continue at this clinic so nothing has changed there. I didn’t want to do another microdose cycle since this last one was such a disaster. We concluded that we’d like to go back to what we did with cycle #2 because at least we got 8 mature eggs and a pregnancy from it. And since this IS our last cycle it was better just to do what we know worked rather than try something new again and end up with another disaster.

The good news is that our RE started off the meeting with the same suggestion. He didn’t think another microdose cycle would be a wise decision. I was happy about this because he had initially been talking about that during our ‘pre-cancellation’ conversation. I also wanted to explore dropping the lupron a bit so instead of 10 and then down to 5 maybe 8 and then down to 4 or 5 and down to 2.5. He wasn’t supportive of that suggestion because he felt that giving me 6 vials a day of stims (450 IU) would overcome the suppression enough to hopefully get us 10-11 mature follicles. I was disappointed to hear this and honestly I’ve been mentally contemplating being ‘lazy’ with my doses and self adjusting it anyway – is that bad? I do fear that if anything went wrong I would totally blame myself and I’m scared for anything to go wrong because this is it, seriously this time. Unless the clinic cancels me we are going ahead with retrieval and hopefully transfer.

I also picked his brain as to if he thought I had diminished ovarian reserve or was a poor responder. I was pleased to hear that he didn’t put me in either category but did say that I might be one of those people with insensitive FSH receptors. But that seems unlikely since my FSH has always been normal – also his opinion. Even he said with my AMH he would have guessed 3 vials a day would have been enough. So instead he said it’s like I have the ovaries of a 36 year old. Funny, I’ve know lots 36 year olds who rock the stims. In fact I know more that do than don’t. Oh well. I guess I was always mature for my age emotionally so why not add my ovaries into that category.

So mid August we’ll be starting our last cycle by trying to recreate cycle #2 with a happy ending this time. BCP, 10 u Lupron – then down to 5 u, 6 vials of Gonal-F/d, and 1 vial of Luvaris/d.

Ok now a slight confession (please don't be mad):

My test wasn’t totally negative on the 16th but it was very faint (FRER) and it was also only days 9 post booster and not the recommended 10 days. Why the IVF nurse had me test a day early I don’t know but my RE’s nurse told me to test again the next day. I did and while it was still positive it was also lighter. I tested Sunday and Monday as well watching the line fade more each day. Finally this Wednesday AF made her appearance. When the RE asked when I had started he was surprised to learn it was ‘late’ compared to what he had anticipated. He confirmed that we likely had a chemical pregnancy. Hammer and I are just going to take this as good news that my tubes are open and his boys reached their target. Also we never had anything happen with our five clomid IUI’s so maybe these vitamins are working. It also reassured us again that cancelling was the right decision; those eggies might not have been the healthiest since my body really didn’t like microdose lupron. It also opened Hammer up to the possibility of seeing a local Dr that does NaPro technology if IVF does not work and we have to go on a wait list for adoption. I guess that’s a topic for another day but first I want to focus on IVF#4. So bring on more wheat grass smoothies and vitamins! Mmmm; yummy.

If you have any other questions for me just leave them in the comment section and I'll write up a post about it.

*I just had to tell you your name is SO pretty!

IVF #3 Summary

2010-07-22T16:38:00.041-04:00

I wanted to post the timeline of our second IVF cycle to close it out so here it is:

May 25 to June 2 - Take antibiotic (Mr&Mrs Hammer)

May 25 to June 14 - Take BCP

May 27 to June 25 - Accupuncture pre-retrieval

June 15 - Supression check E2 = 13, good antral follicle count on BOTH ovaries!

June 17 - Microdose lupron 20u 2x/d

June 19 to June 28 - Bravelle 225u (3 vials) 2x/d

June 23 - follie check #1 R - 9,8.5, 7 L - 8, 8, 7, 6 lining 5mm, E2 = 282

June 25 to June 28 - Add in Luveris 75u (1 vial) in A.M.

June 26 - follie check #2 R - 12.7 x2, 12.9 L - 11.5, 11.3, 11.1, 10.3, 8.2 lining 8.8mm, E2 = 871

June 28 - follie check #3 R - 21, 17, 15.5 L - 16.5, 15.5, 14, 12, 11 lining 11.5mm, E2 = 1592

June 28 - Egg retrieval cancelled due to poor response (~4-5 mature follicles). Trigger for IUI.

June 2/9 - Trigger

July 1 - IUI

July 5 - Accupunture

July 7 - HCG booster (1 ml)

July 16 to July 19 - HPT = Positive but line fades over the next 3 days; Chemical Pregnancy

On to our final IVF#4

Q & A - Fire Away!

2010-07-21T07:50:00.001-04:00

I've had lots of really great questions from some of my readers but haven't really figured out a good way to respond so I thought I'd do a Q & A session. I have three questions already that I'm going to do posts on from:

Amber @ Fertility Hiccups - Acupuncture: what to expect
Mrs. Katia - Sperm DNA fragmentation: what's next
Kdactyl - IVF#4: the plan

I'll be addressing Kdactyl's questions first because my "What-the-flip" (WTF)* appointment is tomorrow. So I"m just opening up the floor for anyone to ask me any question and I'll post a response.

*'What-the-flip" is how I say it because I just can't bring myself to say the f-bomb.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

2010-07-20T13:55:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay in posting the winner of my giveaway. The winner is....

Amber at Fertility Hiccups

Congratulations Amber.

Leave me a comment with your mailing address and I'll send you your prize.

P.S. Don't worry I won't publish your address :)

A Long Shot

2010-07-16T17:38:00.007-04:00

That's what we knew this IUI was, a long shot. So today we were not overly surprised that the HPT was negative. We're both at peace with our decision to convert IVF#3 to IUI and are hopeful to give IVF#4 one last final try. Thank you all for your prayers and support!

7dp IUI and a Giveaway

2010-07-08T14:05:00.001-04:00

Today marks the half way point of our IUI converted IVF cycle; although, thanks to the HCG booster I can’t test for 10 days which would be 17dp IUI – Bummer. But! I don’t have to take any more shots which is awesome. Then again, I also can’t tell you if I’m having any symptoms because I still have trigger-boob-soreness, etc. I can definitely tell that my progesterone is elevated as I’ve had severe indigestion for the last 5 days making eating or sleeping impossible. That was identical to the last two IVF cycles. And you know what else nobody tells you? (TMI Warning) When you ovulate a crap-load of eggs and have multiple corpus lutems pumping out the progesterone you get major constipation. I thought that was just a weird side effect of PIO but no, it’s progesterone in general. I have been having cramping on and off yesterday and today. While it could be implantation it could also be the progesterone causing my ute to cramp (or gas pains! yelch).

Basically, I know nothing right now as far as what may or may not be going on down there. And my hope level is dependent upon how I maybe feeling at that particular hour. I do have moments where I think, “Nah, it couldn’t happen like this. I would be too easy! And after four years of infertility, people like us don’t get it easy.” But oh how nice easy would be!

Ok now onto the Give Away!

I received, Waiting for Daisy, from Hillary at Making Me Mom and while I read it right away I lapsed on getting out a giveaway post. (What can I say, I had a crappy 2009 = 2 deaths, 1 near death & a miscarriage).

It’s a nice, easy read about a real life couple dealing with infertility and eventually having a child. While I enjoyed the book and the hope that eventually our family will be complete even if it’s a long painful journey I wasn’t a fan about her mildly preachy ending. In summary she basically said that women get too worked up about not getting pregnant right away and run off to a RE, drop all sorts of money on procedures and tests when eventually they would have gotten pregnant on their own. Being a person who has dealt with infertility for several years and can safely say that we need help, that message kind of deflated the book for me. I worry that this message is what non-infertile people will take away from the book. But then, why on earth would a non-infertile want to read this? Basically, I wouldn’t recommend it to any of my non-infertile friends to help give them some perspective. But for infertiles it’s nice to know that someone who walked in our shoes has published a book about their struggles.

So on to the rules for the give way:

1. Leave a comment on this post*

2. Read the book

3. Have a giveaway at your blog to keep the book circulating

Now that wasn’t so hard was it? I’ll take entries up until my HPT day (July 16th) and then use Random.org to pick the winner. I’ll contact you to get your mailing address so you can receive your prize.

*If you want to leave a comment but not be entered in the drawing just let me know in your comment.

Two Cranky Ladies

2010-07-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

Well we had our IUI yesterday and everything went really well. Mr. Hammer supplied some excellent numbers and quality as far as the troops were concerned. I actually felt myself ovulate from both sides around 1:00pm that afternoon, OUCH! So I think the timing was good. Unfortunately my girls are making me pay for shooting off way more follicles than occurs naturally. I feel like I’ve been bruised from the inside. I think they are cranky and telling me all about it. I’m sure I’ll feel better in a day or so and from what I can remember it’s better than the retrieval (of course I was also on some really good drugs for that procedure).

We decided just to take the whole day off together. After everything this month we both felt we needed a mental health day. (And after feeling the eggs launch it was a good decision too!) I started thinking about my past IUI”s with clomid plus hcg trigger shots. I remember feeling ovulation pains around 10am the day after the trigger and thinking, “should I be ovulating already?” And then the next day when we did the IUI, I wouldn’t have any ovulation pain. When I did my first IVF I was panicked that I was ovulating the day before retrieval just as before but surprised to learn that they were all still in place the next morning. When I asked about this the RE on call said that lupron helps keep them in place longer. I know what I’ve read says you will ovulate as early as ~24 hours after the trigger without suppression but I’m just suspicious that my body had a mind of its own. Of course it’s all speculation and Hammer’s thought is that even if it was on time his boy’s would have been too genetically retarded for it to work. I hope that with a ton of eggs and vitaminized sperm that we can make it work this time. It’s hard not to have a little hope!

P.S. If we had gone through with the retrieval we would be 1 day post and getting our first fertilization report. Let’s hope there is some fert-magic going on in my tummy today!

A Convert

2010-06-28T18:14:00.002-04:00

Today's u/s left us confused and with a big decision. We now have a lead follicle and 4-5 smaller ones just shy of 18mm (between 14-17). A bunch of little ones popped up but there is no way they will be ready in time ~7-8mm. With the lead follicle we can't keep stimming to get the smaller ones because it will launch on it's own ruining a retrieval. My RE said we'd be lucky to get 5 mature eggs. We're all scratching our heads at what could have happened to cause this. The good news is that my lining is now up to 11.5mm and my E2 is at 1592 which is the highest it's ever been.

Hammer was not willing to consider a 4th full IVF and so now that it's 4-5 vs 7-8 possible mature follicles I'm ok with IUI. With our past history of 5 failed IUI's with 3 mature follicle's our RE is not concerned about us ending up with a litter babies and our own reality TV show. Neither are we. So instead of getting all drugged up on Thursday for a retrieval we'll be doing the quick wham-bam,-thank-you-ma'm IUI. And to be honest with you I'm at peace with this decision.

What you see is what you get

2010-06-26T19:17:00.001-04:00

At this point I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the type of woman who will grow more follicles as I continue on stims. Honestly I'm really disappointed and frustrated with my RE. I feel like for the last three cycles all we've done is beat the dead Lupron+Bravelle+Luvaris horse and had minimal results. Before we started this cycle I had been trying to get Hammer to consider going to a different RE but he was unwilling. So here I sit for our final IVF cycle with the same minimal results on practically the same protocol. This is not the end to our final cycle that I was hoping for and now I'm feeling like if this is it and it doesn't work I'm going to feel completely unresolved with moving on.

We actually had a long talk last night about what we should do. Hammer only wants to go through one more full IVF cycle. So that means if I want to try a totally different protocol we'd have to cancel this cycle pre-retrieval. But yet it feels like such a waste to do so. At this point we may get between 7-8 mature follicles and hopefully as many mature eggs. I know that our clinic wouldn't even consider an IUI with that many follicles. So I've asked Hammer to consider if this cycle doesn't work for us to try one more, and ONLY one more. When you consider that our first cycle was a total bust, we've really only done two cycles (including this one). I'd really like have walked away having done three cycles knowing that we did everything we could and right now I don't have that peace. It was definitely an interesting conversation because Hammer came from the "I don't want to do anymore, I'm ready for adoption" direction and that since he was ready, we needed to move on. So for me to explain how you can't go into adoption if one of us is unresolved so where did this, "I'm ready so therefore my opinion rules" mentality come from and I think it challenged him a bit. And don't get me wrong this wasn't a fight just a discussion between us.

I apologize to all the women reading that would die for 7-8 follicles. Being 31 with normal FSH, AMH etc. and on crazy amounts of stims it's been difficult to accept that this is the best I can do. And with Hammer's issue we need as many follicles to find the one healthy combination of us both.

Here is where we stand as of Saturday (6/26):

R: 12.7mm x2, 12.9mm (3 total)

L: 11.5mm, 11.3mm, 11.1mm, 10.3mm, 8.2mm (5 total)

Lining = 8.8mm

I'm not sure that our 8.2 will catch up in time to be mature so we're maybe really looking at 6-7 mature eggs at retrieval. Compare that to our last cycle where we had 9 follicles and 8 mature eggs and hopefully you can see why we are upset that this cycle is worse than the last one.

I have one more appointment on Monday for another check. Right now they are talking about doing the trigger on Tuesday for a Thursday retrieval which is extending me out one day more than anticipated. And at this point I'm still not bloated nor feel anything, weird.

Quiet

2010-06-25T08:13:00.007-04:00

Last cycle at this time I was so bloated I was miserable. Last cycle at this time I could feel the follicles growing. Last cycle at this time it was irritating if my cloths rubbed against my skin. Last cycle at this time it was nowhere near quiet in there.

But today it’s quiet and that makes me worried.

Tomorrow is follicle check #2, first thing in the morning. And after that I'm indulging myself in a full body massage* for a whole 60 minutes. And a manicure. Because why not.

*My acupuncturist told me that massage has been shown to keep stress hormones down for 3 days. And we all know that stress is bad for an IVF cycle.

Déjà vu – of the crappy kind

2010-06-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

*Before I start, I am well aware this is early but my past IVF cycles have shown that what I see on scan #1 is what I see at retrieval.*

After my first follie check this cycle is looking just like cycle #1. Hammer and I are literally preparing ourselves and praying over if we have to make the decision to cancel and convert to an IUI. It would be cheaper since at this point we are only out ~$50 bucks in meds, ~60 bucks in u/s, and ~$400 in acupuncture treatments.

I have no idea what could be going wrong! With the first cycle I thought maybe it was a combination of my messing up the stim medication + being overly suppressed. But now I just realized that for all of my normal FSH & AMH, I’m just a poor responder. And that is wholly dishartening. I’m trying not to get discouraged yet at this point but our past IVFs just hang over my head.

I’m on an insane amount of Bravelle (450IU/d) + microdose lupron (40u/d) and here are my results:

R – 9mm, 8.5mm, 7mm

L – 8mm, 8mm, 7mm, 6mm

Lining = 5mm

7 total follicles, just like cycle #1 which ended up with a lead follicle and we only retrieved 3 mature ones. And this is less than the second cycle which went better but ended in a m/c.

For a comparison here is where I was at for the last two cycles on the same day:

Cycle #1            versus             Cycle #2

R – 1-13mm, 3 -<10mm         R – 12mm, 10x2mm, 9mm, 8mm

L- 2 -<10mm                               L – 12mm, 11.5mm, 9mm, 8mm

Lining = 6.5mm                         Lining – 7mm

This is why we are preparing ourselves for a possible IUI conversion. Since all the money is in the retrieval it would be better to call it off before that happens. We will just have to wait until Saturday to see what u/s #2 shows us from there we will be closer to a decision. In the best case scenario we have lots of extra little ones pop up that will possibly be in the running and so we would continue on based upon their best guess at a mature egg count. But worst case would be lead follicles and we would most likely convert to IUI. Now that our pharmaceutical plan has IVF med coverage it puts us in a place where we could talk about doing a 4th cycle if we have to cancel this one but we’ll cross that bridge if we have too. Right now we just need prayer for us to make good decisions based upon the results of our u/s over the next few days.

The only redeeming result of today is that my E2 was 282 which is the best it's ever been. Although on average most women are around 500 by day five of stims. In previous cycles I was 107 (#1) and 195 (#2). So either that means I have a few more lurking around or that I'm just having a higher E2 because of all the meds. Your guess is as good as mine.

Stimming, technically

2010-06-18T10:08:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I started my microdose lupron which is 40 mcg/mL vs 5mg/mL in standard Lupron. I have to take 20 U twice a day so it’s a very tiny dose of meds. Apparently when given in small amounts it causes the body to produce natural FSH for 2-3 days and then supresses the body just enough to keep the follicles in place until the trigger is given. So technically I started mini-stimming yesterday. And ladies, I can feel my ovaries waking up. I can tell you from doing two long Lupron protocols prior, I never felt this when I took Lupron before. I hope this is a good sign. I also hope I don’t end up with a lead follicle that screws everything up like cycle #1 either but I don’t want to get myself all worked up over the what-if’s. (But it’s so easy!)

Yesterday I did have a horrible migraine which I do remember was an issue before but I had an acupuncture appointment that day and she did some extra points – sweet relief! Today I am migraine free and feeling the tingling in my tummy. Bravelle starts tomorrow at 3 vials twice a day so I’m really going to start feeling it then.

On another subject, one of our IRL couples just had their second child. We are really excited for them and they have been very supportive and sensitive towards us. They had a little girl and held off on sharing her name until she was born. Unfortunately they used the girl name that Hammer and I had picked out. We didn’t share our choice with them so it wasn’t a case of name swiping but it did make us feel a bit sad. Mostly because if we could have had a child when we wanted to, and it was a girl, we could have used that name – infertility is so unfair! But then it feels just silly to be sad because we’d have to A) get pregnant first B) have a successful pregnancy and C) have the baby be a girl. Basically we would be jumping several steps ahead of ourselves. But there was a twinge and I just wanted to acknowledge it. Thanks for listening!

Cleared for Take Off

2010-06-15T20:33:00.004-04:00

I had my E2 blood draw and ultrasound today and was given the all clear to start my meds. It was good news too. Normally I have very few antral follicles on my left side but this time I not only had a good count but it was even better than my right side. I'm actually starting to feel 'normal.' Maybe our time of rest, smoothies and synthroid have done my body some good! My E2 came back showing I was quite suppressed. They want you at least below 50 but I was at 13 on birth control alone. When I was on BCP + Lupron my E2 would come back as indiscernible i.e. barely any at all. That is why I wondered if I was over suppressed on my last two cycles.

In other good news I had received a letter back in January regarding my fertility med coverage, which I didn't have so I was confused by the letter. What we found out is that I now HAVE fertility medication coverage. The last two cycles we paid close to 2 grand for all of our meds. So imagine our shock when we got our total bill for this cycle (with more meds than ever before) at less than $55. We thought it was a mistake, it was too good to be true. But it was. Plus we got a few vials of donated Luvaris.

So Thursday I start my microdose Lupron and then stims start on Saturday. I feel like this cycle is just flying by so quickly!

Headless Chickens and Such

2010-06-11T20:30:00.001-04:00

I know I totally feel off of the blogosphere but that is because I have literally been going non-stop (hence the headless chicken reference.) In some ways it’s great because I’ve hardly noticed the three weeks of BCP and now I’m just three days away from finishing them. But the flip side is that I didn’t want this time to be stressful and it HAS. In between acupuncture appointments twice a week, impromptu travel for work, coworkers dropping the ball so I have to pick up their slack, weekends filled with events, and even a live TV interview! I seriously haven’t had a second to blog, read blogs, think blogs, you get the point. But come next week I’ll be staring my microdose lupron on Thursday and stims on Saturday.

I finally got around to telling my new boss about my cycle and I think she’ll be supportive. I did preface it by 'this is our last cycle' to hopefully make it more apparent how desperately I need her to be supportive. So far so good. On Tuesday of next week I’m hoping that my baseline E2 and ovary check show I’m nice and suppressed so we can get this show on the road without delays.

Hammer and I will be celebrating our 6th anniversary on Saturday, I sure hope that we can finally make our family complete!

Scheduled

2010-06-01T11:46:00.003-04:00

Hello internets! Just a quick pass through to say that my side bar schedule has been updated. So far we are on task. There is nothing much to report other than feeling really nauseated by the antibiotic this go around. I'm REALLY glad that is only for 7 days!

Whoaaaaaaaaa Nelly!

2010-05-24T18:17:00.004-04:00

Soooo, today was crazy. Actually that would be an understatement. Let me back up a bit.

On Saturday I was expecting AF to arrive but she decided to be fashionably late and show up on Sunday instead. I can deal with being one day off. So I called my IVF nurse and let them know. But for whatever reason I didn't hear from them until today which is unusual. So of course I was a bit panicky that the reason they hadn't called me back is that I left the wrong number so I left another message.

When I heard back from them the RN told me that my protocol would be 7 weeks in length with retrieval in the first full week of July. And here is where things got a bit messy. You see July is not a good time for me as I review grants which are due the day of my estimated transfer. The protocol told to me back in January was totally different and I had planned everything around it. So when I heard a different protocol I started shaking and crying on the phone. The RN was wonderful and figured out that what was told to me was the micro-dose lupron protocol without BCPs. My RE just wanted to include BCP to ensure I did not have a cyst. So the RN started asking me about my last two cycles and said that we might be able to just skip the BCP and jump to stimming. But that would mean I would start stimming this Wednesday. At first I thought, "Great, let’s just get right to it," and told her to go ahead. But then when I hung up the phone and talked to Hammer he was hesitant and reminded me that I would not be able to do accupunture. He made a valid point that since this was our last cycle that we needed to have no regrets.

But then the pharmacy called and I had to hang up with Hammer to answer their call. At first I started to give them all my information and then I stopped and asked if I could call them back. I then called the RN and told her about our misgivings but she is so darn convincing. She told me to take 5-10 minutes to talk to Hammer about it and then call me back. But I couldn’t get a hold of Hammer and the pharmacy needed to get the order in so in a moment of weakness I agreed to do it again, completely forgetting about what Hammer and I talked about, I even scheduled an u/s for today to see if I had any cysts! I called the pharmacy back who scheduled to deliver my micro-dose lupron to the clinic. So pending any cysts, all was set for retrieval on May 4th and a transfer on May 10th or so I thought.

I had to leave work a few minutes early to make it to the u/s but on the way I started to have strong misgivings. I realized that if we went forward with this I would have regrets because I wouldn’t have been able to do acupuncture like I wanted and this was all moving so fast which was stressful. Hammer and I had decided that since this was our last cycle we didn’t want to have any regrets and here I was driving to an appointment that had me riddled with regret.

So as I sat there, on the exam table, pantless in my paper frock, waiting for my RE to come in I made a decision. When he came in I told him I was ‘chickening out’ and explained about how this was so fast and that there were preparations that we wouldn’t be able to do and that would leave us with regrets if it didn’t work. And really even if we did the u/s and he found a cyst we’d still have to do the long version anyway so maybe we should just stick with the original plan which is less stressful and without regret and with that I slapped my legs in a playful way and said, “And we need this to work!” And my RE’s response was, “Dammit, that’s right!”

So I think my clinic RNs must believe I’m completely neurotic but I feel much better and appreciate that at least my RE agrees that we need to do everything we can to make this cycle work. So today I should get my revised schedule from the IVF RN. I will start my BCP tomorrow which will run from 5/25-6/14; I’ll only take ~3 day of lupron before starting stims which means it’s about 1-1 ½ weeks shorter than the long lupron cycle. I’ll update my IVF schedule on the right bar after I get my official schedule.

Anticipation

2010-05-06T09:43:00.004-04:00

2 weeks and 2 days...the anticipation is beginning to rise.

I keep having the Car.ly Sim.on song in my head, “Anticipation.”

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

The lyrics kind of apply here…in almost 2 more weeks our final IVF will begin. And while I do not know about the days to come I feel hope creeping up again. Please let the third time be the charm!

One

2010-05-01T10:01:00.003-04:00

Last Thursday my IVF countdown showed this:

One month away. At this point, it could not come fast enough. I am about to start my second to last period before IVF. These last few weeks have been crazy and difficult. Literally everyone I know is expecting. At work one of my coworkers who has an 18 month old just announce she is expecting...twins, natural twins. On top of three other pregnancy announcements. I have never felt more left behind than ever before.

Last week as my ticker clicked down to the one month mark and I was days away from my second to last period before IVF I had a total crying meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a very, very long time. I cried because this nearly four year long journey has literally taken it's toll on me. I'm so tired both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally. When Hammer stated that he only wanted to try IVF one more time I was sad thinking about the what-ifs of not putting a cap on attempts. But now as our last cycle looms before us it's almost a relief that no matter what happens change will come.

I have continued to see our chiropractor and while we haven't experienced pregnancy (as they were so convinced that this would be the cure) I have had some other relief from pain. As I was lying there on the table he told me that I have an energy about me, that he could sense something was going to happen. Later that same week I had a coworker tell me a very similar thing. I think maybe it's because June will be that turning point for us. Either we get pregnant or we don't and we move forward for the first time in four years. We've been stuck on this infertility treatment detour for way to long. I've been mentally chewing on several options which I think is good because that way I have a healthy focus on an alternate future if things don't go well. Part of that future involves a possible job promotion and going back to school which I'm going to go for regardless of IVF outcome. Here are my options:

A. Apply for promotion & get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
B. Apply for promotion & don't get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
C. Apply for promotion & get it, not prego, go back to school for prerequisites, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
D. Apply for promotion & don't get it, not prego, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time

So clearly there is change on the horizon. I didn't want to get into all the boring details but it's a summary. I have wanted to go back to school for some time but because of having to stay at my job for retirement reasons (state retirement plan) for at least five years AND it being nearly impossible to try to do my job (which includes travel), plus treatments, plus school - we focused on job &; treatments first. I think throwing myself into school for a new career will help with the long adoption wait time as well, which is our baby plan B. I know that if this cycle does not work I will need some time to mourn and I will do that. But I also needed to know that if an alternate future is a head of us that I have a focus and a hope waiting and that the world will not end in June.

On a side note, my ex-friend became an issue last week as well. Our bible study had lost a few members from people moving out of state and so our leader when to a bible study meeting that was to help people get connected into a group. Apparently the ex-friend was there and was looking for a group to join. Unbeknownst to our leader, she had spoke to him about joining. Later that day we were hanging out with our leader (R) and his wife (J), who happen to be the other couple in our group dealing with infertility. He mentioned who he had spoken to and that they were likely to join. I wasn't sure what to say because I don't want to be that person who bad-mouths about other people. But later in the conversation with J, she asked about ex-friend because they knew we were 'friends' with them and if ex-friend was nice etc. I ended up telling her about the issue we had with them and that I didn't know if she should join our group especially since there are two other women, besides myself, dealing with infertility. R & J were great about the whole thing. Aside from being shocked about what she said and totally agreeing with our decisions about their public behavior and cutting off friendship; they made sure that ex-friend was connected into another group. It was such a relief to the both of us and continues to solidify for us that God has put us into this new church community and bible study and we are so excited about our new group of friends who are already showing us support and love.

**Sorry for the long delay in posting as we were out of town this past week cleaning out Hammer's dad's house and moving his stuff into our basement. It was not a fun week but it does close another chapter for us.

Cutting All Ties

2010-04-06T13:11:00.011-04:00

So for those of you who follow my blog, you might remember my friend who got pregnant during the time I was miscarrying. She had been diagnosed with PCOS back when she was a teenager and had been on BCPs ever since. I said she wasn’t a ‘true infertile’ because she had never gone through infertility with her husband but only had the possibility because of her condition. It's not true infertility when you are told you have PCOS as a teenager and then get pregnant on the first try. She never went through months of failed cycles and treatments. Just jumped in the sack on a chance that she was ovulating and *BAM* pregnant.

I had remained supportive of her even though we chose not to go to Chic.ago for NYE with them as it was too soon after our loss. But apparently she has harbored some strange issue with me and it finally came out last week.

I had planned a dinner out with her because I needed to talk to her about an issue I was having regarding a pattern with her behavior in a public setting. She is one of those people who live in an environment of conflict. Everywhere she goes she creates conflict although she is completely oblivious of it and can’t see that maybe she is actually the problem and not everyone else. There is no filter on her tongue so she says whatever she feels regardless of how it might affect another person. (Actually that is a direct quote from her lips!)

I knew that this might be a difficult discussion because she ‘fights dirty.’ I’ve learned this through her sharing about fights she has with her spouse. And this is not one-on-one conversations with me. She will talk in a large group of people about fights that they have where she will slam, lock and barricade doors or throw his cloths out of the window etc. And the thing that bothers me the most is that she says it with pride, like she is proud that she behaves this way. She is so degrading to her husband in these conversations that people have asked Hammer and I if their marriage is O.K. Which I suppose makes sense because the last fight they got into was about the “That’s what she said joke” where she balled him out in front of all of his friends for saying it and then later she told me they fought over it where she eventually exclaimed that she did not want to be married to him. All over a stupid joke. And of course she shared that story with anyone who was within earshot.

So why am I going into detail about this? Because this is the subject I had to talk to her about. The fact that she is sharing details of her marriage in a non-constructive format in a large public setting and it’s making some people uncomfortable. I totally support sharing issues with people you are seeking input, guidance or counsel from but this is different. She is almost taking pleasure in sharing her stories because I think she likes the ‘shock factor.’ I’ve called her out a couple of times in the middle of her stories to ask if she really behaved that way and caught her in blatant exaggerations which leads me to believe that she’s really just doing most of the talking for the response that she gets from others – still wrong!

So since I was approached a number of times by other people along with having our own concerns I decided that it was time to talk. I kept the conversation strictly to people being made to feel uncomfortable about her non-constructive speech in a group setting. That way I wouldn’t be overstepping my bounds. And that’s when she dropped the unforgivable bomb.

In a statement totally unrelated to what we were talking about she said the following:

“You know I thought that you and I would be on this infertility journey together but I’ve realized now that I am pregnant that we have nothing in common.”

I remember it like it just happened. I will never forget it. Hammer even questioned if maybe I misunderstood her. Oh no. Believe me. I remember ever single word; every inflection in her voice. It was the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.

And she said it just to be cruel. Just to cut me at my deepest most vulnerable point. She said it to get the upper hand in the conversation. But it didn’t work. I think I handled it gracefully. I simply ignored it and kept on addressing the real issue at hand. To have addressed it would have derailed the conversation and given her control but I would not let her have her victory. I could tell by the look on her face that she was floundering, her tactic hadn’t worked and she was still stuck having to face the original conversation that brought us there.

When I got into my car and was heading home I just started bawling. I have never met someone so intentionally mean but yet with no remorse for the consequences of her actions. I knew at that moment that she had cause irreparable damage. Our friendship was over. But at the same time I realized what she said was true but just not regarding the fact that she is now pregnant. We really do not have anything in common because I now see who she truly is and I don’t want someone like that in my life. She is intentionally mean, caustic, and bitter. I found out later that this is not the first time someone has talked to her about her behavior before but because she does not feel any conviction from the Lord to change, she hasn’t. That confuses me. I have had people talk to me saying that I was too blunt and it bothered them. I didn’t feel conviction over it but because it had hurt someone, out of respect for them I made an effort to be more sensitive. You don’t need conviction to change; you just need some decency and a dose of respect for other fellow human beings. Seriously, that has to be the most pathetic excuse for poor behavior.

The sad thing is that it might affect Hammer’s relationship with her husband. They were friends first and ‘us wives’ were just introduced. Other than being friends for the sake of Hammer, I have no reason to continue on. Fortunately Hammer is 100% supportive of my decision to cut my ties with her. He has even defended me in a recent conversation between himself and her husband regarding the issue. It was interesting to hear it from his perspective because, not surprisingly, she left out a few things – like the evil statement! And when Hammer set the record straight and told her husband about it he was livid with his wife and totally shocked that she would say something like that to me. (Apparently infertility is a personal issue for her husband as well because his sister had to do IVF) So I don’t think this issue is over quite yet but at least for me I have no desire to reconcile with her. Do you blame me?

And swino-o was it's name-o!

2010-03-19T16:27:00.003-04:00

What? You thought the swi.ne fl.u was gone? Not so! Apparently it's alive and well in a small town in the NW region of my state. I was fortunate enough to visit there for an audit and come across it. On a good note I had been smart and got the vaccine in January just in case one of the petri dishes, I mean kiddos, in a clinic passed it on to me. Good thing.

If you have the vaccine it makes the respiratory part much more mild but the GI part, not so much. Imagine if you will not being able to breathe through your nostrils and then having a sudden urge to be sick, act on that urge and loose all ability to breathe because:
A) said nose is plugged
B) mouth is occupied with 'other things'

I almost blacked out twice from lack of oxygen. I don't think I've ever been so sick that I had to take a full week off of work until now. Hammer, on the other hand, is so hopped up on vitamins and wheat grass he hasn't even had a sniffle all season. I'm actually really grateful though because one high fever would set him back far worse than if I had one. But it does mean that we're out this cycle for trying naturally.

I even worked my butt off to get home from that infested clinic early so that I would be home when I ovulated. And I did, and we did..."it," but after the week I've had it would be a miracle if anything survived down there. Oh well. On a good note tomorrow is Spring! And I'm almost ready to come out of swine-o hibernation so I can enjoy it. And that means April is almost here and then May and then...IVF #3!

Fast or Slow, I Can't Decide

2010-03-11T21:22:00.003-05:00

I happened to look at the IVF countdown and was hit with a mix of emotions. First came shock that in almost 2 months we will be starting our 3rd and final cycle. How did time move by so quickly? And then I started thinking about what all has to happen in between now and that cycle and it seems like forever away. How can I have two wholly different emotions over the same amount of time? I'm excited to try again but scared because it's our last time. I want more time to try naturally but am frustrated that natural is still not working and want to get to IVF. Oh if you all could read my mind right now you all would be totally confused too, I'm sure. I think overall I'm afraid to hope and scared that we could have a repeat of last time but excited for the opportunity to try...yep, still confused. *sigh*

Free

2010-02-26T21:50:00.003-05:00

Mid-January Hammer and I decided to join a church plant that split off of our church. It was an intentional church plant that was sent out to reach young adults in their late twenties and thirties. We were really excited about the opportunity and God has really been blessing the church. Our opening Sunday we had 450 people! We are creating a great community of people which is a void that had been lacking at our old church.

For the lent season our church decided to do a bible study series called Free. They had everyone in the church divide up by the day of the week they were available to meet. This is a great way for everyone to meet more people in the church and develop an even deeper community. There was a bit of pre-meeting workbook preparation. As I went through it I realized that the underlying theme of what was preventing true spiritual freedom for me right now was the fact that I was not living my ultimate dream of being a mom and that it made me feel a bit that God was being unfair with me. I told Hammer that I had decided to do two different responses; one for me about our infertility and one that I felt comfortable sharing with the group. I was very clear with Hammer that I wasn't going to be sharing our trial with a group of strangers.

But God must have had a different idea. One of the couples who offered up their home for the group meeting shared that she needed freedom from worry after having suffered from three miscarriages. Afterward I felt strongly compelled to speak to her and thank her for sharing such a difficult and personal trial. And when I did, I found myself tearing up and thanking her for being brave and sharing something that I couldn't. She instantly understood and gave me a huge hug. We ended up staying after everyone else had left to talk to the couple and each share a bit of our infertility trials. Oh the irony that I wanted to remain in my safe, secure space and instead God brought someone into my life to help me live a little bit more free from my burden of infertility.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-02-20T20:25:00.014-05:00

I was honored to receive this award from three amazing IF bloggers, two of which have been blessed with their miracles: Mandy @ Oh, baby!, Waiting (private blog), and Nicole @ Anonymous Infertility Confessions (private blog). Thank you soooo much ladies!

The award comes with the following rules:
1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs

7 Fun Facts About Mrs. Hammer

1) I met Mr. Hammer while living in Colorado for a summer. We both went out there for a church summer leadership program from our respective campus churches. Amazingly we were both from the same state. We had to travel almost 1,500 miles to find each other but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

2) I sing back up vocals at our church. In fact that is how Mr. Hammer and I got to really know each other. He is a drummer and we would hang out during rehearsals when we were in Colorado during our summer church service. Being in our church band is one of the fun things we continue to do as a couple.

3) I grew up with monkeys as pets. Well to clarify, my dad is a vet who specializes in primates. He worked with our local zoo to help raise a species of endangered tamarin monkeys whose mother's had abandoned them. We had to raise them in our home because of the constant care that these little guys needed. These baby monkeys literally fit in the palm of your hand and we had to feed them with an eye dropper. Once they reached about a year old they had to be returned to the zoo but there would eventually be another set of babies that needed our care. What I didn't realize at the time was that my dad was the first person to successfully hand raise tamarins. Super cool!

4) One of my favorite sweet treats is fudge. I LOVE it.

5) One of my favorite places is Mack.inac Island where I can indulge in said fudge.

6) I'm one of those girls that enjoys playing video games. And not the silly games that are on the Wii [hence we don't own a Wii] but I don't care for the first person shooter games. (Since I don't know too many women who like video games I'm not sure if you know what I'm referring too so I won't go on).

7) One of the hardest vices I've had to give up has been caffeine but this coming August (if I can hold out) I will be one year free of it. I'm actually really proud of myself but I have to admit I've been tempted on occasion.

And now for the nominees:

Andrea @ Life, Love & Pursuit of our Fairytale

JB @ Of Cabbages and Kings

Hillary @ Making Me Mom

Astrid @ Babymaking 101

Shannon @ Faith Hope and Love

osuraj @ Anything's Possible

Allison @ Bouncing Baby Buckeye

Finally

2010-02-08T17:56:00.004-05:00

I've been on edge waiting for our phone call on my AMH levels. Because of which I've been mildly panicking that they were disastrously low. I have good reason to think so based upon how difficult I am to stim. Our prayer was that the reason for the poor stimming is that the long lupron cycle was just not for us...and our prayers were heard. Our testing is based upon ng/ml so we were looking to be over 1.0 which is normal and I was 1.3 ng/ml, I'll take it! So hopefully that means our lupron flare will be the one to produce lots of little eggies for future babies.

For those who are not familiar with AMH here is a link to it's description and the range my lab uses below:

High (often PCOS) Over 3.0 ng/ml
Normal Over 1.0 ng/ml
Low Normal Range 0.7 - 0.9 ng/ml
Low 0.3 - 0.6 ng/ml
Very Low Less than 0.3 ng/ml

**Next up - long over due blog awards!

Revisions

2010-02-01T13:03:00.005-05:00

I think the weight of our most recent diagnosis has finally hit both Hammer and I. It was a delayed response because it came right in the middle of loosing Hammer’s dad. It’s to be expected I suppose. Both of us have begun to feel down and defeated every time we think about that 48%. It seems insurmountable. And now we are still awaiting the results of my recent AMH test. This is the test that will really tell us how many eggs are left in my ‘baskets.’ My FSH is fine so my egg quality is fine but I’m such a hard stimmer and lefty has low antral follicle counts so they are wondering if I may have diminished ovarian reserves. I have to admit I’m really worried.

Our first IVF I was on the long lupron cycle and 225 units of Bravelle a day. We were almost cancelled but managed to get 6 mature eggs of which only 3 fertilized.

Our second IVF was long lupron again on 300 units of Bravelle + 75 units of Luveris. I had 11 follicles and 9 eggs were collected, 8 were mature eggs, and 7 fertilized.

We’re not getting vast improvements in the egg making department here. My only hope is that my AMH is fine and that the real issue is that I’m just not a good candidate for the long lupron protocol. We could really use some good news here. But I’m feeling a bit defeated and have found myself wondering if we should just drop everything and head to adoption, the sure thing, right? But it’s not a settled feeling, there is no peace in that decision, so we push forward.

Our third and final IVF will be a lupron flare protocol with 375 units of Bravelle + 75 units of Luveris. This is the max you can give a person AND it's a short cycle ~2-3 weeks which I like...a lot.

Hammer is starting to really struggle with the fact that, per his words, “it’s his fault” regardless of the fact that I’ve told him I’ve always known but that it didn’t matter, this is OUR trial and we are doing this TOGETHER and that if given the chance I would marry him all over again even knowing we would go through this. He is my soul mate, the one whom God intended for me,, there is not a doubt in my mind. I think that over the course of this journey he has really held it together while I have been a roller coaster since, as you all know, women are put through the majority of the procedures, drugs etc. I think this is his moment where he needs to grieve but it just kills me to see him struggle because I know full well what he is feeling. But it does not help that this comes on the tails of losing his dad and the fact that we both have always known for years he would never see his grandchildren and now it has come true.

And now we’ve come to the end of the line, last chance IVF. Go big or go home. So to pick us up and give us some hope I resumed my research on IVF/ICSI and DNA fragmentation. It was actually very encouraging. In one article showed that for men who did not meet ICSI criteria (Hammer) and were treated with antioxidants for 2 months, there was an increase in pregnancy rate that went from 6.9% to 48.2%. And that ICSI actually had a more negative outcome. Two other articles supported this outcome. So we are leaning towards not doing ICS because it is believed that the zona of the egg and good ole’ Mother Nature herself may be the best selector of healthy sperm in our case. We are, however, going to ask about assisted hatching which is used in couples who have had several failed IVF cycles, like us.

Hammer’s vitamin regime has been revised to the following (amount increase in parenthesis):

-Vitamin C 1000 mg (+800 mg)
-Vitamin E 800 IU (+400 IU)
-L Acetyl-Carnitine 1 gram
-L Carnitine 1 gram (morning and evening)
-Pycogenol 100 mg
-Co Q-10 75 mg

In addition to vitamins we will both begin drinking antioxidant smoothies:

1 oz acai juice
1oz pomegranate juice
1oz frozen wheat grass
½ cup organic blueberries
½ cup organic orange and/or pineapple juice
½ cup organic yogurt
2 tbsp raw honey

Hopefully this will be an even bigger antioxidant booster. We will also be ensuring that Hammer eats 2-3 dinner salads that contain organic mixed greens. Our chiropractor has an antioxidant screening test that Hammer will have done to get a baseline and then subsequent checks to see if his levels are improving. I’m posting all of this for those women out there who may have or may be interested in testing for sperm DNA fragmentation but then receive little to no guidance from their RE’s about how to treat it. Mainly because that is what we are experiencing but thankfully as a dietitian and background in research I know enough to find out how to treat it. My hope is that I can pass this on to anyone else out there who may need it. If those of you who are reading have any questions I will be more than happy to answer them as there is not a lot of information out there and it’s a controversial topic.

A Well Deserved Retreat

2010-01-30T21:40:00.004-05:00

We had our long weekend cabin getaway last week and yes I'm just getting a round to posting about it, sorry! My spa day the Friday before was cancelled back when we found out about my FIL going into hospice care. But when we looked into cancelling the cabin we discovered that we would have had to give 30 days notice to get a refund. And we found out about Hammer's dad 27 days before our getaway.

After everything that happened it really was a well deserved retreat. We spent most of our day snuggled up in front of the fireplace. The bedroom was in the loft so that when you lay in bed you could still look out into the woods from the full wall of windows. And to make up for the cancelled spa day Hammer and I had a couples massage. Of course Hammer is incredibly ticklish so every once and a while I would hear him giggling, it was too funny. And while it wasn't the snowy cabin in the woods like we hoped for it was still a great time.

One for my Homie

2010-01-19T10:40:00.011-05:00

I'm back after a nice hiatus of trying to wrap our mind around another family loss. Thank you all for your kind comments and condolences. (Except for that last comment which apparently links you to As.ian Por.n, classy. And it is not Tickintime's comment, thank you sweetie!) Because of the last tasteless comment I'll be putting on comment moderation. I don't know of any other way to reduce the spam. If anyone knows how to delete a comment I'd love to get that one off of my last post. For some reason I'm just uncomfortable having that on the post announcing my FIL's passing, imagine that. {I figured it out!}

On another note, I thought I'd share a photo with you all. Now normally when people start IVF cycles they posts photos of all their meds. For us the process will start about 4-5 months in advance and this time it has nothing to do with me, yea! Hammer will be downing around 5-6 antioxidant pills each day in the hopes that it will reduce the DNA fragmentation in his sperm allowing us to have a chance at a successful IVF cycle, which will also be our last IVF cycle some time in late spring. When I know the date I'll set up a ticker but until then we're still a bit up in the air with everything that has happened lately. So that was a long introduction just to say here is the picture of all of Hammers pills, minus one that I forgot to order:

What he will be taking is the following:
-Vitamin C 200 mg
-Vitamin E 400 IU
-L Acetyl-Carnitine 1 gram
-L Carnitine 1 gram (morning and evening)
-Pycogenol 100 mg
-Co Q-10 75 mg

I looked into Proxeed which is a powdered form of all of these plus some others but Hammer wasn't into drinking his vitamins. Plus there have been studies on high levels of zinc and selenium having a negative effect on sperm DNA and these levels are found in Proxeed. So instead I read up on a few studies that were having positive effects and used those antioxidants and levels.

That and I read an interesting study recently which said that rather than abstaining from se.x for 3 days to increase sperm count, men with high sperm DFI should actually have se.x for 7 days leading up to ovulation. The study showed an average of a 10% reduction in DFI levels. Aside from probably having a tired Mrs. Hammer were going to give this a try as well. I know TMI but if it can help someone out there reading then it's worth it.

Gone Home

2010-01-09T07:59:00.001-05:00

Hammer's dad passed away this week. Thank you all for your prayers.

Is it safe to come out yet?

2010-01-02T20:02:00.003-05:00

I've been hoping for 2009 to come to a close for the last few weeks. It's been a really rough year and the rough patches are not over yet. Hammer's dad continues to be with us but is very frail. We don't know if we have days, weeks or months ahead of us. Dying from lung disease can be a slow process. I am thankful that hospice is doing their best to keep him comfortable. We had a good visit, he was alert enough for us to talk to him AND he got to see his favorite college football team play and WIN on Friday. We were praying they would win just so that he could see it one more time. We may have to postpone our weekend getaway, understandably so, but he didn't want us to, we'll see.

While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*

This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.

AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.

2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.

quick post and request for prayer

2009-12-28T07:06:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to do a quick post to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And also to ask for prayer. We found out about three days before Christmas that my father-in-law was transfered to hospice care. This has been a difficult year for both of our families between my uncle's passing, my father's health issues, a failed IVF, a miscarriage and now the impending passing of my father-in-law. Please pray for his comfort. I will not be posting for a bit as they live in a very rural area where we will be traveling to be with him. Hugs to all, Mrs. Hammer.

Self Preservation

2009-12-16T12:53:00.009-05:00

I have been making efforts all week to plan for fun things that will be healing. One of them even happened today – a chair massage. Our office wellness committee has a women come in once a month who charges $1 a minute. $15 = 15 minutes of heaven. I didn’t even realize how tight my shoulders were until she attempted to loosen them. Holy sore but now I feel great.

I also got a seasonal flu shot yesterday. Not exactly fun but I had been putting it off with IVF and then the pregnancy. So it was about time. I don’t qualify yet for the swine vaccine but those will open up in the next few weeks for the general public. I figure if I get them now then I won’t have to worry later. Since my job entails clinics with pregnant women, children and babies everywhere it’s a must on many different levels.

Then I booked our January snowy cabin in the woods for JUST US. Won’t this be blissful sitting here…

Drinking some of this…

while the snow falls outside? Can’t wait. BUT it gets better! I have two gift certificates for a local spa that I have yet to use. So what would be better than the morning of our weekend getaway to spend it doing this…

and this…

I sure can’t think of anything.

On the m/c front, I had my blood drawn last Thursday which came back negative so now the m/c is complete. So I asked my nurse when I should expect my period and was surprised to hear it would be 4-6 weeks. I had no idea it would take that long but essentially it’s a full cycle once your HCG is gone. It’s likely that I won’t ovulate but some women do, like my cousin-in-law, but I’m thinking I might end up being one of those women. My ovaries are starting to get sore and (TMI) I’ve some very obvious CM going on down there. So we’ll see. I haven’t temped or used an OPK yet just cause I had no idea what to expect with a post m/c cycle but I might run out and get some OPKs.

Hammer and I were finally able to do the sperm DNA testing. That was eventful. We were ‘prepped’ and ready to go for collection last Thursday when it all fell through. We are working with a company who sends you the collection kit and then the day of the collection (which is only done on Tues/Wed/Thur) they are to ship you a perishable transport container filled with dry ice to pack the sample and send back. Both Hammer and I had taken the afternoon off of work because FEDEX priority was to arrive at noon with our ice. Well we were sitting around waiting and the package never arrived. When I called the company the women on the phone could see that I had called twice, spoke with a representative, and that the order had been entered but the person never officially submitted it. We ended up having to reschedule for the 15th so yesterday we took the afternoon off again but this time the package was on time and back on a plane by 5pm. We’ll have to wait 12 days for the results.

In the meantime I’m just focusing on the holidays. So that means peppermint bark, gingerbread cookies and wrapping presents – and counting down the days till our snowy cabin getaway!

The Hits, They Keep On Coming

2009-12-07T17:51:00.007-05:00

First, thank you all for your input, comments, and opinions on my Chicago situation. It was so affirming of what I was feeling. I wish I had IRL friends who were even half as supportive as all of you are so I just can’t thank you enough. Ok now to the meat of the last few days.

Thursday of last week, after a horrible night of sleeping I had typed up a huge email to Hammer rambling on about how I don't think we should go to Chicago with them, OR nor should they come on our snowy-cabin-in-the-woods-in-January-retreat that they invited themselves to (more about that later*). At first he was hesitant and asking if I was really sure but that it was in their court if they could afford it now that they were expecting.....errrrrttttttt (tires squealing). "No dear," I told him, "it’s still in our court to say we can't go if it's not healthy for us, mainly me at this time." He said we'd talk about it when I got home.

Later that evening, after I had made it back around 4pm, we were supposed to go over to our friends house (D [husband] and N [wife]). I contacted them and cancelled because I was just too exhausted to go anywhere. The next day I was chatting on the phone with my mom getting her opinion on the situation and she agreed that Chicago was a no-go. I popped on to the computer with her still on the phone so I could email her some Christmas ideas and saw an email from our friend D who has currently been out of work for 5 months, it was titled “Good News.” I told my mom to hang on a minute because I wanted to read this email from D (she knew he was out of work) hoping that this email was a job offer. Guess what it was actually about? Oh you did guess it didn’t you! Yes, they are indeed expecting their second child, 11 ½ weeks to be exact which for them meant they got pregnant almost three months after he lost his job. Well doesn’t that beat all! And according to the email they had wanted to tell us the other night but I cancelled on them. Could you imagine if we had gone? I don’t think I could have handled it and probably would have cried right in front of them. I mean seriously people, in my email to them cancelling I wrote, “I’m sorry to cancel but I seem to be struggling with insomnia due to the miscarriage. The dropping in hormones is causing me to have issues with falling or staying asleep so I was up over half the night last night. I’m so sorry to cancel but this continues to be a difficult process for me.” Now tell me, would your first thought be, “Oh the Hammers aren’t coming tonight because she is still struggling with her miscarriage. We should just email them that we’re pregnant.” I totally lost it on the phone but thank God it was with my mother who was such a comfort.

Later that evening when Hammer got home he asked if I had seen the email from D. I asked him how he felt about it. His response was jealousy and sadness. While he is very good friends with D this was a big blow to him. We had been struggling for a year and half with TTC when they had announced they were pregnant with their first child after just one try. Hammer said that after he got the email he immediately called up our other friends and told them that we would not be going to Chicago. He said that he didn’t want me to have to deal with being the one to tell them what with two back to back pregnancy announcements. I was so thankful for that. It has been a difficult week. I’m so wrought with emotions it’s ridiculous. That makes two couples where the husband is out of work and they are pregnant. In a sarcastic tone I told Hammer that I'd figured out how to get pregnant and that he needed to quit his job. He replied back, "No problem, I'll put in my notice on Monday."

The strange thing is that earlier that week I had been feeling hopeful and now it’s the complete opposite. I know I should be happy for them but I just feel more left behind than ever. I have been praying and praying for direction, for anything right now but all I’ve received is silence. And that has been the hardest part.

I will (hopefully) have my last blood test Thursday of this week and am praying that my results are <5 and that my period is not far behind it. Maybe if I could just move forward by getting my period and ending this cycle I will feel better, maybe. I’m trying desperately to keep my eyes on the Lord so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the emotions that come from friend's pregnancy announcements (frustration, jealously, anger, and sadness). I just don’t want to drown in them and get caught in a state of sadness instead of trying to be positive about the next few months, taking time to focus on my marriage, and remember that God still has a plan for us.

Hammer and I have planned a weekend getaway in January to hopefully spend a quiet, peaceful weekend alone together. IF is hard in so many ways and even though our marriage is strong we just feel that with everything that has gone on this year (my dad, 2 IVF’s, a miscarriage) that we need time to just appreciate one another. We happened to mention this to our Chicago-trip friends pre-pregnancy announcement (and yes we did mention this as a weekend alone) and the wife just jumped on it saying how we should get cabins together instead of going to Chicago and how fun that would be blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know how to get out of it but thankfully we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately I think this all may have wrecked my relationship with her in that I don’t feel that I can confide in her about IF anymore but in some ways I think this is for the best.

Am I Being Selfish?

2009-12-03T09:13:00.001-05:00

Ok, I have to ask your advice and opinion. Last night, after learning about my friend's miracle pregnancy, I spent some time in prayer before going to bed. I prayed to God, sharing my heart, struggles, fears and asking Him when it will finally be our turn. It was difficult because while I don't feel abandoned or forgotten I do feel tired, worn, and emotionally drained. I told Him that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take and prayed that the end will come soon. Actually I pleaded that the end would come soon as well as prayed for Him to give us direction.

This miscarriage has left us floundering a bit. We're not sure where we should be going or what direction on this journey is God's will for our lives. That's why a future IVF cycle is in the future because we are throwing it out there but just not sure when that may be. But we'd rather throw it out there and see if God gives us the nodd or not. It's the same thing with adoption, it's out there but we just don't know if that is where we are supposed to be headed yet. I just feel like a kid in the back seat asking God, "Are we there yet?" with no concept of where we are headed so the journey seems endless.

When I tried to fall asleep it was torture. I was wide awake and all I could think about was my friend and how I was no longer pregnant. We had been planning a New Years trip to Chicago this year and when we found out we were pregnant we laughed about how I would be the designated walker (since we won't have a car), how I might not make it to midnight etc. Yesterday I had called her because I had found a great deal on a hotel and wanted to know if they still wanted to go this year. Instead I was greated with her announcement, which is exciting for them, but now I'm in the inverse situation. Now if we go to Chicago she will be the designated walker, and she might not make it to midnight. And all I will be thinking about is that this should be me or us, how fun if it would have been the both of us. But it's not to be. And now I think I'm realizing that this situation may not be the best one for me to be in while I am still healing from our loss. This has brought up a lot of emotion about our miscarriage that I had yet to start feeling. I don't know if I was blocking it out or if I hadn't thought that far in advance until now.

She is a very sweet person and very supportive but she is not a 'true' infertile and does not understand the pain, emotional toll, and the level of sensitivity that the pregnancy topic requires around an infertile. What I mean by that is that they hadn't even tried yet to get pregnant before. This was a total fluke where her meds just didn't arrive on time and low-and-behold she ovulated and got pregnant. All they knew is that it might be a problem but they had yet to suffer through months of failed trying, negative pregnancy tests, multiple doctors appointments, the side effect of fertility drugs and the never-ending longing for the allusive baby. So here I am on the phone with her rattling on about how she is now pregnant, and can she eat soft cheeses, and what about lunch meat, and all her symptoms, and how she can't drink in Chicago but I can drink for her now and on and on and on. She never stopped to think that maybe this hurt because she was excited. I can't blame her but I think a real infertile would have known to wear some kid gloves in that conversation. So I'm not sure that I even want to be there with them when I'm mourning the loss of our pregnancy while she prattles on about hers. I just don't think that is a healthy situation to put myself in. But then I think, am I being selfish? Am I spoiling all the fun because she has what I want? What do you think?

...Expect Miracles...

European Fertility Vacation

Thanks Yah.oo

One Year

Sore but Successful

Surgery

Not Working

Treatment

Ectopic

Does anyone else find this weird?

Waiting

Giant Sigh of Relief

It's Back

Beta #2

Spotting Scare Update

This is not happening again *updated*

Cut-Off

mini update

Day 3 Transfer

On the road again

I'm Living Some One Else's Cycle...and I Like it.

Fert Report

Fast Track

frustrations and firsts

Hit Me Baby...One More Time

Cycle Day 1

Officially 'Irritated'

Things I Forgot to Mention

Decision Made

Scheduled

Moving Forward

Coming up for air

Living in Limbo

A little piece of good news

Blog Awards

Thrombophila Results and Breaking Ties

Back from the Andrologist

I am my best advocate

Completion

D&C Results Are In

D&C and Next Steps

Wrapping my Mind Around it All

At Peace

Shocking Update and Desperate Need for Prayer

Fertility Misfits

Day By Day

IVF #4 Summary

Many Thanks

Not meant to be

24 hours

The State of Affairs (9dp3dt)

8dp3dt

3dp3dt

"Ham"bryos are in the oven

Fert Report #2 - The Power of Prayer (aka keep it coming ladies!)

Fert Report - Prayer needed

Trigger and So Much More

Better

What to say....

Progress Report

‘E’ is for Exhausted

Getting my ‘D’ on

Timeline for IVF #4

Say “hello” to my little friend…

The Waiting Game

Well that was unexpected

Acupunture and Infertility

Sp.erm DNA fragmentation: what's next

Old Plan, New Twist

IVF #3 Summary

Q & A - Fire Away!

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

A Long Shot

7dp IUI and a Giveaway

Two Cranky Ladies

A Convert

What you see is what you get

Quiet

Déjà vu – of the crappy kind

Stimming, technically

This is not happening again updated