Saturday, January 2, 2010

Is it safe to come out yet?

I've been hoping for 2009 to come to a close for the last few weeks. It's been a really rough year and the rough patches are not over yet. Hammer's dad continues to be with us but is very frail. We don't know if we have days, weeks or months ahead of us. Dying from lung disease can be a slow process. I am thankful that hospice is doing their best to keep him comfortable. We had a good visit, he was alert enough for us to talk to him AND he got to see his favorite college football team play and WIN on Friday. We were praying they would win just so that he could see it one more time. We may have to postpone our weekend getaway, understandably so, but he didn't want us to, we'll see.

While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*

This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.

AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.

2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.

10 comments:

Andrea said...

Thinking of you and praying for Hammer's Father. Losing a loved one is so difficult and lung disease is such a horrible sickness. My prayers are with you.

Don't lose sight of FAITH even though you feel as if you are at the end of your rope. Know that we are all sending you strength and positive vibes :)

Hugs

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

So good to hear from you again! I hope 2010 brings a whole batch of answered prayers for you. Sorry your results aren't better, but I think that understanding the results will help you to better approach TTC and do it more effectively. And, if this whole thing ends in adoption, it's not a failure. Adoption is a beautiful picture of God's love for us, and brings about a whole different set of blessings. Believing God has His hands in it no matter what. :-)

Meg said...

In reading this post, this is the first time I've heard about sperm DNA fragmentation. When our first IVF didn't work, the RE simply told us that our embryos were genetically deformed. I wanted to know how he could know this without any tests being done, and I wonder if this is what he's assuming. WHY, WHY don't they do this test before all of us spend thousands of dollars on IVF? Thank-you for educating me and sharing your story. I'll be armed with some good questions now when we go back.

Kerri said...

I am so sorry to hear about your FIL. I'm glad you and DH got to go visit. 2009 was a tough year for you...but I hope that means that you're in for an amazing 2010 filled with lots of happiness. You definitely deserve it.

Nicole said...

Oh I'm so sorry about your FIL, and the DNA tests. I hope hope hope you can somehow make it to a day 5 ET this next round!!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Sigh is right. Its been a rough year for you guys. I hope 2010 has many wonderful months for you..

Sarah said...

I know you may feel discouraged...and I know you probably don't want to hear encouragement right now...
But, I will tell you that I am a fertility nightmare...and we have a beautiful 20 month old little girl through IVF. Nothing is too BIG a problem for God. I know that sounds so incredibly cliche...but, it's so true.
God can work with "retarded" sperm (as you put it...that made me laugh!)!
You just do your part and let God do the rest!!! I believe it can happen for you!!!!

Tabitha said...

Lot's of prayers going up for you and your family!!

Hillary said...

((hugs)) and prayers for you as you enter 2010. May you know the goodness of the Lord as you wait on him!

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Brittney said...

Praying for you both!!! I'm praying 2010 is THE YEAR for you:)