Sunday, November 29, 2009


Well for those of you who are in my yahoo contacts list or who popped into my google account you may have seen/received an email from me that I had "come down here to London, England" over the holiday weekend.

Well, surprise, I didn't. I was eating turkey with my in-laws in the good ole USA. Hopefully this didn't cause any undue concern. Seriously though, I just shelled out big $$ for two failed IVF cycles, saving for our third and final and possibly adoption. Where am I going to find money to "come down here to London, England?" Amateurs.

My dad called me at about 8am EST to let me know and I discovered I was locked out of yahoo, facebook and apparently they hacked into my google account as well...nice. I actually ran around the internets changing my passwords/emails and did change my Google but didn't check my blog because, who would post that dumb letter to a blog? I guess those idiots would.

And if you are reading, dear idiots, the reply you got back was from my dad calling your bluff. Seriously, I would never sign an email to my dad "Kind regards." And considering that in the US it's the biggest holiday weekend of the year, NOBODY would hop on a plane to go bashing around London (by themselves) instead of eating Turkey with family. Check your US holidays before hacking emails, m-kay?

Thanks for the comment Hilliary as it alerted me to the post so that I could delete it.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Vicoden and I, we is not friends

So Friday night was m-day, or our medicated miscarriage day. As the week ticked down I began to get more emotional about it. I started to become symptomatic again. I could feel the twinges in my uterus as the little empty sac continued to grow in the presence of the ever increasing HCG. What can I say, I make a good placenta. Now all we need is to put a baby in there. I never second guessed our decision even though I prayed every day that if there really was a baby in there that God would lay it on our hearts to not go through with it. Instead the only thing that brought me to tears was my fear that this could be the most pregnant I would ever be, ever, and it would end on Friday. And that thought alone made me want to hold off a bit longer. But I knew holding off would only put off the inevitable and I knew in my heart that there was no baby. On Friday I talked with my RN (who was out sick the day of my last u/s) and she gave me more details on what to expect and the up coming weeks of blood draws to make sure the HCG continued to go down. She recommended that I not take it over night as she worried I would not sleep well. I decided to go to my yoga class at lunch thinking that would be a good thing to do to keep me relaxed considering the night ahead. Except that during some of our moves I had to lay on my stomach, which made my boobies hurt, which made me think about every thing and I found myself crying big aligator tears while in child's pose.

Hammer and I decided to split the difference so I started the cytotec at 6:30pm last night. I shoved 3 little white pills up my who-ha and downed a vicoden. I was prescribed 1-2 vicoden every 4-6 hours but thought I'd start with one since I'm really sensitive to drugs. I knew that it would take about 2 hours before the cramping would begin so I thought I'd get on top of my pain by taking the vicoden early. I just did not anticipate how painful it would be. At about 8:30-9:00 pm I lay there with Hammer on the couch trying to watch a movie to take my mind off of the pain. By about 9:30-10:00 I was death gripping the couch, tears streaming down my face. My RN was right, I would not have been able to sleep through this. I took a second vicoden around 9:30 pm as the one was just not doing anything. Around 10:30-11:00pm I figured the first one was out of my system and I would be safe to take a third since the pain continued to increase. Oh what a mistake. Somehow I had managed to fall asleep on the couch while Hammer played video games. As the night wore on I continued to sleep on the couch and Hammer did not want to wake me so he fell asleep on the other loveseat so I would not be alone and thank God he did. I had apparently become dehydrated which intensified the dizziness effect of the vicoden. So when I tried to get up to use the restroom around 2:00 am I started to black out, could not stand up on my own and was dry heaving. I have never felt so awful and helpless in my life. Hammer had immediately woke up to help me. I barely made it into the bathroom and Hammer had to even support me so that I would not fall of the toilet seat. This was not my finest hour. I actually almost told Hammer to call an ambulance because it was so intense. Finally I seemed get my bearings and he helped me into bed, put a damp cloth on my head, a heating pad on my tummy and held my hand until I fell asleep.

By morning I felt much better and the heating pad has been wonderful. I've been using it all day, drinking plenty of fluids and have only needed one vicoden at a time to keep the cramping in control. My RE had said that if I didn't pass a lot of tissue to take the other three Cytotec. Since was not sure if I had I ended up taking the last three around 4:30 pm today but did not have a repeat of last night's cramping. So I assume that everything that needed to pass has done so. Now we will just be doing blood draws every week until my levels are down below 5. From there I should have my period and my body should finally reset its self. Sadly this could be a month long ordeal of just getting my HCG down but it's not like we're going to jump into another round of fertility treatments anytime soon. The Hammers need a bit of a break. Actually Mrs. Hammer's ute needs a break.

Yet I know in my heart that God has not abandoned us even though we have had to go through this trial. The peace that I had on Monday remains and I know that this is not the end of the road for us.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


On Monday I went in for my 6th HCG blood draw after stopping the PIO last Thursday. At that point I could have sworn that my levels were going down because my symptoms, aside from sore boobies, were gone. I went in yesterday at 2pm for a follow up u/s and was shocked to hear that my levels are now 5,000+, holy pete! I actually laughed, which I apologized for, but as I told him I just don’t know how to respond anymore to these levels that keep rising. My RE was finally able to see a very small gestational sac on the monitor exactly where it was supposed to be. Unfortunately it was empty and he measured it at 1 ½ to 2 weeks behind. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, just a small black circle.

I was already emotionally prepared as I was going to be for whatever would come as I had been praying all the way into my appointment. As we talked about options for helping the little sac to pass, since I’m not going to do it on my own anytime soon, I felt at peace. I know it’s weird. I trust that we are making a good decision about ending the pregnancy because my doctor went over everything several times, telling us again and again I don’t want to push you. Even before I left he stopped me and checked everything again just to be sure. I had been reading the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage website for stories or any sign of hope just in case but all it did was reassure me more that this was a good decision. That in and of its self is a good thing.

This Friday I will take a few pills of Cytotec vaginally at bed time, pop a few Vicoden, and hopefully go through the worst of it during the night when I’m asleep. I’d rather do it now than during Thanksgiving weekend because the week following Turkey day I have to be out of town and do not want to be far from my clinic just in case.

We also talked about options for the future. Hammer was not able to be there with me yesterday and I wish he was because I didn’t know that this would be our post-IVF follow up talk as well. Either way I think I asked everything that he and I had discussed asking our RE anyway. Our RE is willing to coordinate getting a sperm DNA fragmentation test done. That way we’ll know if Hammer needs to go on specific vitamin regime for a few months to help beef up his boys. And if we did another cycle there he suggested the micro dose flair protocol + 5 vials of Bravelle + 1 Luveris. His hope is to get enough eggs to get us to a 5 day transfer because we were pretty close this time. Hammer and I need to discuss this more because we had also tossed around traveling to an out of state clinic. Where we live, our clinic is the only one in the city so if we have to travel we’d rather just go to the best, regardless of the distance. Of course that involves getting Hammer on a plane which would not be an easy task either. And of course money becomes another issue. While our clinic's cost is half of what other people I know have paid it's still a big chunk out of our savings and traveling does not make it any cheaper. Another new development is with my prescription insurance which used to let me go wherever I wanted but as of 2010 will be forcing me to go to one specific pharmacy if I need more than a 30 day supply. I guess the question is what defines a 30 day supply by my insurance, I’m almost afraid to ask.

But then we could change our minds completely and head down the adoption path. We have a lot to pray over but first we need to get through this hurdle of saying goodbye to our little sac.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Thank You for All of Your Prayers

I really struggled over what to title this post but I think it's fitting to just thank all of you who have lifted us up in your thoughts and prayers these past few weeks. I wish I could tell you that our miracle journey continued with a wonderful ultrasound experience but it was not to be this time.

Our RE was unable to find anything in my uterus. He warned us that he would not be doing any commentary in the beginning so not to worry us. But as I lay there and saw that nothing but black and white fuzziness show up on the screen I knew the outcome. Strangely he also could not find any signs of an ectopic pregnancy either. We did see two very, very small black dots in my uterus which may have been extremely underdeveloped gestational sacs that could have been the source of my elevated HCG but there was no way to really know.

I suppose we have the best outcome of the worst scenario of there being no baby. They are going to stop my PIO and just do HCG checks and another V-u/s to recheck to see that it is resolving on it's own.

Again, thank you all for your support. It's meant so much to us.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Still Holding our Breath

Well we have our results from our 5th beta test…


That’s a doubling time of 85% every two days (>60% is normal) and it moves us up from borderline low to normal low. We needed it to double in 48-72 hours and we made the 72 hour mark. Holy Pete. I can’t believe we’ve made it this far. We still have not yet let ourselves feel excited or hopeful yet because there is still so much that can go wrong. We have our first ultrasound this Thursday at 2pm. If all is well we should see a yolk sac and a fetal pole. I just have to remember to breathe.

P.S. I did know that it was going to be increasing because I broke my own rule. Since I was going to have to wait from Thursday till Monday for more blood work I bought a 3 pack of FRER. Yes the good kind! I took a test on Friday and it was as dark as the control line. Then I waited until Sunday to test again and it was darker than the control line. This morning I took my last test and it was the same as Sundays. Actually at this point I’m not sure more HCG would make a difference since DARK pink is about as high as it will go. My boobies still hurt, I’m exhausted, I’ve had a few waves of nausea and certain smells are bothering me. Oh and twinges and twitches down in my lady parts. I’ve read that these are all good signs. We shall see…

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I can barely find words for this…

My HCG is now at 292.

It tripled in 48 hours.

I was prepared to hear her say that it was dropping. I was prepared to hear her say I was miscarrying. I was not prepared for this, for any of it. And I can’t yet allow myself to feel any hope either. I’m still being told it’s not viable. And yet I keep praying to God that if it is not viable that He would end this for us and He hasn’t. I feel stretched between what biologically is next to impossible and my God who is the definition of possible. When I called Hammer I could do nothing but cry because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I will go in for more blood work on Monday and then will have an ultrasound on Wednesday or Thursday of next week.

P.S. I know what my blog title says but I’m just too scared to go there yet…

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Trash Picking

Yes you read that right, trash picking. It’s what Hammer and I did last night. After our phone call earlier that day which went something like this:


“Hi G, this is Mrs. Hammer. I was just calling about my beta on Monday and wondered if I could stop taking the progesterone yet. I took a HPT on Saturday that came up negative so we're assuming that it's over. Also for a follow up appointment we’d be available Wednesday through Friday of next week. Thanks. Bye.”


RN: Hi Mrs. Hammer, it’s G.

ME: Hi G.

RN: We actually need you to keep taking the progesterone because your HCG went up to 107 on Monday.

ME: 1.7, right.

RN: No, 107.

ME: 1.7

RN: No, 107.

ME: What?

RN: Yeah, right now it’s probably not a viable pregnancy and there is no way we can tell yet if it’s ectopic or a blighted ovum. We need you to go in for more blood work tomorrow and based upon that test we’ll decide what to do from there. Now you mentioned a pregnancy test that came up negative?

ME: Uh, yeah, um, well I took one on Saturday. It was one of those cheap internet ones that they say to toss after 10 minutes as the results would be inaccurate. So when it was still negative at 10 minutes we pitched it and assumed that it was over.

RN: Well those really aren’t reliable.

ME: Clearly.

RN: Let’s just stick to the blood tests from here on out.

So when I got home I did what any normal women hopped up on synthetic progesterone and unstoppable HCG would do; I went trash picking. You know what? That dumb test had a faint second line. And I know I had the right one because my first two positive tests from last Thursday and Friday were brand FRER and all I had left were a couple of the internet cheap-os to use on Saturday. All the other ones’ from earlier in the cycle were internet cheap-os and all were negative except for the one with the faint positive line.

This morning I peed on the last internet cheap-o HPT just to see what would happen now that I knew I had an HCG over 100…BARELY FREAKING POSITIVE AGAIN! It took 15 minutes to see the second line start to form. What gives? These are supposed to be sensitive to 20 HCG so how come it took WELL over the time limit to get a positive this morning?

Well I have learned one thing; is only for the fertile. They need to have a warning sign:

WARNING: Infertile women stay away! Our tests do not work correctly for you and will severely toy with your emotions. We will give you false positives which will impact your concept of self worth and only lead to more infertile feelings.

I promise from here on out I will shell out the big bucks and only pee on FRER. Of course I’ve been burned this cycle so I’m just going to stick with blood tests until we know more. As far as what I’m feeling…numb. Numb would be the word of choice. I’ve already cried and mourned our cycle so I have no more tears to shed. I can’t feel happy because there could be no baby in there and I can’t feel sad because there could be a baby in there. So I’m in some sort of weird limbo that is void of emotion.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I am so confused right now…

I don't get this. Why is this happening to us? Today I got the call from our RN regarding our third beta. It came back at 107.

Yes, 107.

That is horrible doubling time. I was told that it's not viable at this point. In fact it's probably ectopic or a blighted ovum. I have to go in for more blood work tomorrow. I just don't get this. My last test on Saturday was negative(well it was also an internet cheap-o which I've always had the worst luck with before.) And my Friday test was fainter than the Thursday test. We both assumed that my beta was going DOWN not UP. I don't even feeeeeeel pregnant at this point. I am so confused.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Psalm 57:1

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. My soul will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."