One Year

One year ago I sat on a beach awaiting the results of our fourth IVF. I never would have guessed that today I would sit on the same beach having suffered through a missed miscarriage and an ectopic. It seems surreal, like it wasn't me that this all happened to but it was.

To catch you up after my last post, I spent the first whole day in bed and in a great deal of pain. The next day I was able to get downstairs with assistance and Hammer drove me to a follow up appointment for blood work. The results showed a marked decrease in my hcg levels post op as they went from 3,051 to 600. My doctor was very encouraged by this and felt that I would likely not need a follow up shot of Methotrexate. Apparently when the tube is saved there is a 20% risk that fetal tissue can be left behind and it can continue to grow. If this is not caught then the tube could burst again. I was concerned about this as we had hit every other small probability on this journey. But things were going well even though I still needed a regular dose of per.cocet to manage the pain. A day later, Friday, I was able to get myself up to go to the bathroom and I noticed that thing didn't quiet look right. Saturday morning Hammer took me to the local urgent care where I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection. Since I was on pain meds they couldn't confirm there if it had made it to my kidneys. The doctor decided not to admit me but did put me on some very intense antibiotics and have me report my progress. Thankfully it worked but the side effects of percocet and the antibiotic knocked me out. I ended up taking the entire week off following the surgery. In the end it was a good thing. This recovery was far more intense than the previous lap. At my one week follow up appointment I was still sore and swollen. My doctor said it was to be expected as I had a lot of internal bleeding that she cleaned up. My internal organs were very irritated and bruised but I was healing well over all. She also confirmed that our ectopic was just a freak occurrence and that my history of mild endometriosis did not have anything to do with it. Apparently endometriosis would never have allowed the embryo to get up that far. So more than likely my tube was fine and it just decided to take a tour up my tube. I also learned at that appointment that they did an analysis on the tissue and it was healthy fetal tissue. I didn't want to know the gender this time around but the information is there if we ever wanted to know. My hcg levels went down to 107 so my doctor was confident that it would resolve in about a week or so. My first week back at work was exhausting. Only three people know of what happened and I prefer it that way but it meant that I had to put on a happy face and lie about why I was off. I did not enjoy that at all.

A week later my hcg was down to 15 and a week after that AF made her appearance. I was very thankful that it ended so quickly. Since then I actually have ovulated from my right side. I'm 95% sure it was the right side because I had very intense sharp pain that lasted about 5 minutes. It was very, very sharp so clearly I am still healing. Hammer and I decided to go ahead with an HSG in January to ensure the tube is open. Beyond that I know we are done with IVF.

It's hard to be back in the same spot a year later with everything that we've been through but it also brings closure. We'll certainly be taking time off to heal emotionally but when we are ready we will be moving forward with building our family.

Sore but Successful

After we got the news yesterday that the supposed 'pocket of fluid' was actually a gestational sac with a fetal pole and cardiac activity, we were immediately scheduled for surgery. We went home for about 2 hours so I could change into comfy cloths and get things in order to prepare for the surgery. At 3 pm we arrived at the hospital and were immediately rushed upstairs to surgical prep. I have never seen a hospital so efficient, Hammer and I were very impressed. I was all set up for my surgery in about an hour. My parents were able to come as well as some good friends of ours but they would only let 2 people up in pre-op. Hammer and my mom hung out with me while we did Facetime with my dad and our friends. I was very thankful for this as it was great to take my mind off of the pain and make the time go by more quickly They gave me some pain drugs through my IV which hit me so fast I literally almost jumped out of bed. Seriously, Hammer and my mom jumped up to stop me from falling out of bed. I never take anything more than an Advil so that scared me to death how fast it hit and made me feel really weird.

My Dr was doing the surgery as it happened to be her hospital call day for L&D which was such a blessing as she is a great Dr. and very, very good OB/GYN surgeon. It was a comfort to know some one we knew and trusted was doing the surgery. All in all the surgery took about an hour. Apparently our little one had traveled up to the very top of my right fallopian tube while is also rare for it to get that high with IVF. This was another blessing as it meant the Dr. could easily remove the pregnancy without taking my tube due to the larger 'space' in that area of the tube for her to work. I did, however, have some internal bleeding because, as our baby continued to grow and burrow, it was pushing blood out both ends of the fallopian tube simply because it had implanted so close to the top where the tube is open to the abdominal cavity. So my Dr. did have to clean up the internal bleeding which is what took longer. But it was also what made me so uncomfortable and triggered us to ask for help earlier so another blessing in disguise. While she was in there she also removed two spots of endometeriosis that she found on the back of my uterus and on my left ovary.

While I was in recovery my doctor came out to speak with Hammer. She told them she was very happy that I called when I did and was shocked that I wasn't in more pain with the internal bleeding but I have a crazy pain tolerance so what is a '3 out of 10' for me would be a '6 out of 10' for someone else. That's how I rated myself to the Dr. earlier that day and after surgery she agreed that my pain tolerance is definitely high. They were able to release me last night and now I'm on bed rest. I do feel like I was hit by a truck and I am very thankful for Hammer being home to take care of me as I need help just to sit up right now. As difficult as this was and as much as we wanted to avoid surgery, I did have a good outcome as far as avoiding a rupture and saving my tube. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as we certainly needed it and could see the blessings in such a difficult situation.

I have also been getting calls from our RE who has been checking in with me every few days. It's such a difference from the other practice as our RE actually calls us and not just the RN. He has been getting updates from my local Dr. as well. During my phone call with him today he said that our embryo must have been incredibly healthy to not only make that trek all the way up my tube but to then implant and develop normally. He expressed his sadness that if it had implanted where it should, we would very likely be pregnant with a healthy baby. It was hard to hear but also what we were thinking as well having seen the ultrasound the day before. What is most difficult to try to wrap our minds around, is that we literally had to end our baby's life to save my life. I know that there was no other choice as it would have killed both of us but it just is so difficult to mentally take in. It's one thing to see that your baby passed away on it's own but to have to end the life of something that we both worked so hard to achieve is devastating.

Treatment

Thursday morning, the day after learning about our third failed pregnancy, I called my Gyn to see if they could give the methotrexate shot. I was very happy to learn that they do give the treatment in the office and my Dr. was more than willing to follow my care. I guess that's just a benefit of having been her patient for a very long time. She knows our whole story and had her personal nurse, T, arrange everything for me. My dad, who is recently retired, offered to drive me there as Hammer could not get home in time since I was given an early appointment. I was so glad to not be alone. When my dad pulled up he even gave me a basket of flowers and chocolate, so sweet.

At my Drs office, nurse T took me back right away and got all my vitals to correctly mix the methotrexate. My Dr was on hospital call at the time so she had one of her partners give me the medication. He was such a sweet man and spent a ton of time with me talking about what to expect, my history, and just been kind and encouraging. Everyone was just so kind during a difficult time. Apparently I am a great candidate for the shot which made me feel better about chosing this treatment. My HCG is well under the 5,000 cut off - it's 1,900; our gestational sac did not show any signs of viability - no yolk sac, fetal pole; and I'm in the 6 week window when treatment was given. So I guess this is one time I can be very thankful for a poorly developing pregnancy.

They gave me the medication in two doses so I had two shots in each of my hips. Apparently it get's absorbed better this way so it acts quicker. The shots burned going in and hurt for about 20 minutes. I also had to get a Rhogham shot because I'm Rh- so my bum was pretty darn sore when I left. I was grateful my dad was driving because it was uncomfortable to sit let alone have to drive my car which is stick shift.

Apparently it takes about 3 days for this to kick in so at this point I have a little less than 24 hours before it hits. I was told to take it easy so no lifting, twisting etc. that could cause my tube to rupture while waiting for the medication to finally kick in. What I didn't realize is that even when it is working there is still a chance of rupture so I am not out of the woods until my hcg is negative. So I will have to cancel a work trip as it's too much of a risk for me to be in the middle of nowhere and have something happen. Right now I feel a bit queasy and have a headache which is a typical side effect as methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug. When this stuff kicks in I should have crazy cramps. Ironically after having spotted for the last two weeks I haven't spotted once since Tuesday. Strange how I fought for two weeks to not spot and now all I want is to bleed and get this over with.

Emotionally, we are both taking this pretty hard. Hammer was 100% convinced it had worked. I was a bit skeptical because of all the bleeding. I just had this feeling I could not shake that something was wrong but honestly I went in hopeful that I was wrong as I had been wrong before. But when the u/s zoomed in on my uterus and I saw it was empty I turned to Hammer and shook my head, he just started tearing up and squeezed my hand so tight. Neither one of us ever thought ectopic though so it was quite a shock. I think it's finally sinking in but we are both so heartbroken.

Ectopic

Our little bean implanted in my right tube.

We are getting blood work done, stopping all meds which include baby aspirin, extra folic acid and awaiting the results so that I can get a methotrexate shot tomorrow. We are praying that this works, otherwise I will have to have surgery and risk loosing my right tube.

We just have the absolute worst luck.

mini update

Today is 10dp3dt and my beta is not until 15dp3dt. This is because we are traditionally late implant-ers and to prevent what happened last time our new RE is making us hold out. Hammer and I are not doing a home test for that same reason but will be testing the morning of beta.

I've had to take a forced break from the internet to A) protect my sanity and B) to study for my exams. I was not mentally ready to take my tests post transfer so I had to impose an internet hiatus in order to pass (which I did!). But the next day I was consulting Dr. Google and having a meltdown. So I am imposing the hiatus again. So other than a quick update today I probably won't be posting again until beta day. I think they said I should get my results by 4pm.

I'm getting my butt kicked in the symptom department by these suppositories and have every symptom in the book: extreme fatigue, emotional (weepy), extremely sore boobs, cramps (not sharp ones like the last IVFs), hunger, headaches, constipation....really you should just go look up the drug information and it will give you the full list. It's been fun. I'm doing my best to keep up a positive attitude and the Circle and Bloom has helped if I can stay awake to do them. I honestly can't tell. At one point I let myself talk to Dr. Google on 9dp3dt and what pops up? My last IVF post. I Googled myself. So basically I have no idea how this will end.

I was shook up today though when one of my good IRL friends who had her transfer two weeks before me learned that her pregnancy did not progress past 6 weeks. She just learned today that she had a blighted ovum. It is all too deja vu as our first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. The worst part is that I'm away on business so Hammer is no where near me so give me hugs and let me cry for them and for the fears that it brings up for us. Four more days till beta....

Hit Me Baby...One More Time

Today I made the long trek down to our new RE's office. I am totally out of my element with this protocol so the whole time I kept thinking that I needed to be 'quiet' and follicle free. So when the ultrasound showed several follicles on the first ovary I had an internal freak-out moment. But when he said things were looking good on that side I was confused and it must have showed. He reminded me that there is no suppression and they want to work with the body's natural process of starting follicular formation and that things were timing very well. So normal breathing patterns resumed and I was given the all clear to start my meds tonight.

My meds are different than what I originally thought. When I asked about the changes, he said that he thought more about our needs and decided that Follistim and Menopur might work better. So that's what I'm using. I have to say that the Gonal was easier since I didn't have to load anything, just put on a needle, turned the dial and pushed. The whole spinning plunger on the Follistim is a bit disconcerting but I'll get used to it.

I feel totally normal this cycle, no extreme fatigue, hotflashes, and drugged brain. It's wonderful. I can only hope that my body is preferring it as well and it leads to better quality embryos. I am continuing to do acupuncture this cycle as well and really enjoy my quiet times. To add to those quiet moments, I also downloaded the Circle and Bloom IVF relaxation and imagery mp3's. They are quiet nice and lead you through visualization of your body doing what it needs to do at peak performance. From what I read if you really let yourself get involved with the process the results are much better so I'm embracing my body mind connection imagery as much as possible. I've been trying to put them at the end of my fertility yoga sessions with lots of good hip openers. School is continuing to go very well and it might actually be proving to be a blessed distraction. I hope it makes the 2ww go by fast as well since I will be immersed in studying rather than guessing and second guessing myself.

I go in for a blood draw on Friday and will get the next set of instructions for my cycle. Here's to visualizing those follicles growing healthy eggs!

Coming up for air

I’m sorry to have disappeared for such a long time but I’ve been around and trying to keep up with you all by reading your blogs although I’ve not been commenting. Before I update you all I’d like to congratulate those of you who have had surprise miracle pregnancies as they give me much hope and I really need that right about now.

I’ve realized that part of my issues is that my mind has had to have time to decompress and comprehend  everything that happened. With our tragedy occurring around the winter holiday times and being so sudden it was like my mind had blockaded off my emotions and prevented me from dealing with what all had occurred. But then we had a life event that really brought it to the forefront.

The weekend before we realized we were pregnant, Hammer and I had attended my cousin’s wedding. It was a ‘shot-gun’ wedding as she was already 4 ½ months pregnant. So when March rolled around we received an invitation for her couples baby shower. Hammer and I have been very supportive of the whole situation (it’s so much more involved that I can get into here) so we knew we were going. But when the weekend of the shower arrived it brought with it all the emotions that had been locked away.

The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine if you were standing in front of a dam that was bursting at the seams. You knew that it was going to break but there was nowhere to run and no telling when it would happen. And then something triggered those walls to finally give way and the water poured forth consuming everything in its wake.

I was sitting at the shower realizing that as the eldest granddaughter I would not be the one to have the first great grandchild. And every woman at the shower was pregnant or had an infant with them (except for my aunt and grandmother of course). And then it hit me. If we had not lost our baby I would be pregnant right now. That was the trigger and I was completely consumed with all the emotions that had been bursting to come forward for months. Thank God Hammer had come with me to the shower so that he could get me out of there and fast. It was more than I could handle but it needed to happen and I’ve finally had to come to terms with my emotions. That’s why I’ve been quiet for some time because I didn’t even know to write about what was going on because it was all so much to take in.

During these past few weeks we also had our repeat DNA test. The results were better but not stellar. Hammer definitely has that rare issue where his pre-sperm are fine (before they grow their tail) but during the maturation process as they make their way to the tes.tes to await eja.culati.on they get bombarded by free radicals and it destroys the DNA. We went from 48% to 27%, so we almost cut it in half and it is good that it’s under 30%. But it still leaves us in the borderline abnormal range. We are waiting to hear back from our urologist with his recommendations and because of the Easter holiday and Hammer's travel, it’s been difficult to set up a phone conference.

I’ve also been setting things up to get my prerequisites done so that I can start my program next summer. Fertility or home study have been on the back burner until we knew the results of the repeat DNA but things may start moving one way or another in the next few months as well.

We’re also finally figuring things out with this Ovacue machine a bit better to help make it work to our advantage with Hammer’s issue. It was actually helpful to have the DNA test this cycle because it helped us figure out the best way for us to TTC naturally and at one point we swore that it might have worked but now we’re pretty sure AF is on the way. Maybe next month, right?

Thrombophila Results and Breaking Ties

Sorry for the delay in posting about our visit to the RE this week.  I had started the post that afternoon but then I had a 3 day work trip the very next day.  And to top it off the monitor on my laptop cracked so it was basically unusable and hence no lap top to write my post.  But now I'm back home with a computer so here it is!

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We met with our RE regarding all the thrombophilia blood work I had done and everything came back as normal except one: MTHFR A1298C heterozygous. Apparently if you have to have one, this is the one to have. Yea me. And we never would have known about it if I hadn’t pushed for the test. Seriously, we are our own best advocates.

So what does this mean? Well it could effect implantation as well as clots that could have cut off blood flow to the baby. Although our RE is in the camp of Drs that only partially believe that it’s a problem so he wasn’t much help there. Honestly being back in that clinic talking with a Dr. that I have lost my trust in was so emotional for me. And to top it all off, as the RE was going through my results he absent mindedly pulled out our last ultrasound photos to get them out of the way while reviewing our chart and left them right there IN FRONT OF ME. So the whole time I had to stare at these pictures. Who does that?!?! I was really too emotional to talk and Hammer asked most of the questions, he did a really good job speaking for us. Here are some of the questions and answers we got back:


So do you think the MTHFR is part of our issues?

Not necessarily but I would put you on Folgard in the future.

So then as far as a possible embryo adoption cycle, would you do anything different?

I’d irritate the uterine lining because it might help with implantation although we generally use that for women who cannot conceive and you have proven that you can. It would really just be prophylactic since I think it might be an implantation issue. I’d also do the folgard as discussed and increase the progesterone.

Interesting that you would increase the progesterone. Do you think that this was our issue since the progesterone was 6?

No, your corpus luetum at that point in time was gone and the placenta should have taken over in the progesterone production so that’s probably why it was low.

So you don’t think that the progesterone could have been low the entire time due to an IVF cycle where you needed to give me progesterone thus causing a potential clot and preventing the placenta from functioning correctly?

Well most women don’t even need progesterone but we give it anyway because we don’t know who those women are necessarily.

Right, but in my case I wasn’t on any progesterone for nearly four weeks so could I have been one of those women?

[Here is where our RE generally makes odd faces and grunts while he tries to come up with an answer and generally ends up just repeating himself]

So if we did another IVF cycle what would you do differently there?

Same thing as the embryo adoption: uterine irritation, Folgard, increased progesterone and assisted hatching. [way to read our record because we did that this time!] You could also take DHEA at 50 mg.

Wouldn’t you want to test my testosterone levels first?

No, you certainly wouldn’t have high testosterone [Red flag for me here ladies because from what I've read you should never give it without testing first!]

So you wouldn’t change up the stimulation at all?

No other than maybe give you another 75 units of stims.

When we had a follicle check by Dr. S, he asked if we were on a combination Clomid/Injectable regimen?

I would not do that.  There isn't enough proof that it helps.


At this point I was completely done.  I feel like the deadhorse in the proverbial saying and he has the whip.  Seriously, what more can you get out of me using the same protocol every time!  We basically ended the meeting with him telling us to take some time to come up with a plan on what we want to do next. 

Afterward, Hammer and I sat in the car for a bit to talk and absorb everything.  While we did not come up with a plan, we did both agree that we were done with this RE.  Hammer himself said that he didn't feel our RE understood how to help couples that fall outside of the norm like us.  Finally!  He sees what I see!!!  We did discuss getting a second opinion at a clinic an hour and a half away (and that was Hammer suggesting this too!) but we're not moving ahead with that right now.  Although we have learned that this clinic basically takes the patients that ours cannot get pregnant and need more unique, individualized protocols.  Honestly it's not a given that this will happen but Hammer is more open to still trying after the most recent events. I think now I understand why I felt unresolved about ending treatment before.  I was so frustrated at why I could not feel resolved about our treatments coming to an end and ready to move forward with adoption.  I felt a bit of jealously for people who had this clear direction that I was lacking.  I'm not sure what God is doing right now, why he allowed this pregnancy to happen and end the way that it did.  The way is not much clearer than before and we are still praying for direction but we do feel that we are closer than ever to figuring things out.

I am my best advocate

So after some thought, I did not get my blood drawn on Saturday.  Instead, I waited till Monday and requested that they add in the test for MTHFR.  Which they did.  So later that afternoon I had 5 vials of blood drawn; one for each test.  We'll have our appointment to get the results on 1/25 and maybe we'll have some answers.

Completion

Today AF arrived which signaled the completion of our miscarriage. Really everything with the D&C was text book. I barely bled the day of the procedure, had no bleeding for 20 days after the surgery and took about 5 weeks for AF to arrive. I suppose if you have to go through one this would be the best outcome.

I also got my list of additional blood tests that I will have drawn tomorrow:

• factor V (Activated Protein C Resistance) - treatment = heparin or aspirin; may need Foligard if due to high homocystine levels

• antithrombin III (AT III) - treatment = heparin

• protein S (normal is greater than 60% non pregnant, greater than 35% pregnant; If positive retest for free and total values) - treatment = heparin

• factor II (Prothrombin) - treatment = heparin

So at our next appointment we'll get those results as well as for the other two tests for anticardiolipin or lupus anticoagulant.

I am curious why he is not testing for the following:

Protein C - recommended to be tested along with protein S
Fibrinogen
Factor XIII
fibrinolysis (PAI-1)
thrombosis (Human Platelet Antigen-1)
Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) gene

I know that I've read they have been associated with 2nd and 3rd trimester loss but I have also heard that a high number of people have MTHFR and that if it is associated with another of the clotting tests that it's a bigger problem. Hmmmmm.

Thank you for all your kind comments and those that shared your stories. It's been a great encouragement. And let me clarify that when I say, "I'm to blame" it's more a wording rather than a negative thought I have about myself. So no stinkin thinkin is going on :)

D&C Results Are In

We just got the results of the D&C. There was NOTHING wrong with our baby.


Of all the results I prepared myself for this was the one I feared. Strange really since it should give us some comfort and joy to know that we can make healthy babies. But now I have to deal with what caused our baby to die. Was it my body? Or worse, was it because of a lack of progesterone because they had told me to stop giving it? I have literally being avoiding this possibility because I have been afraid to let my mind wander down such a dark path of anger and blame if I didn’t have any proof. But now I’m not sure what to think. I am getting more blood drawn for additional tests to see if for any reason my body rejected the baby. Until I get these results I’m still going to withhold my judgment for my own mental health. I still need to recover emotionally from this loss. I should know in 2 weeks if I am to blame or our clinic.

D&C and Next Steps

I delayed posting this because really, who wants to read about a D&C at Christmas? Not me. But I wanted to get this out and over with before the start of the new year. That way we can put this horrible mess behind us and try to move forward.


On Thursday Dec 2nd Hammer and I drove to the outpatient surgery center. I had been NPO (no food or liquids) since midnight and my stomach was a ball of nerves. We checked in at the front desk and I swear the lady knew why I was there because she kept giving us these, “I’m so sorry” eyes the whole time. Hammer and I sat in the waiting room and I snuggled into him with my head on his shoulder. I could not believe that we were actually waiting to have this procedure and my eyes would well up with tears from time to time. Finally a nurse came to take me back to the pre-op room and I had to leave Hammer behind for a bit. As we walked towards the big double doors to the pre-op area I had to stop and broke down and cried. The Nurse gave me a big hug and I apologized that the reality of what was about to happen just hit me hard. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and said that we’d walk through together. And we did just that all the way to my pre-op room. Once she drew the curtains closed she gave me a huge hug and then to my surprise told me that the Lord has not forgotten me and has plans for us. Wow. She was so sweet getting me settled in and once she was done she went and got Hammer so he could sit with me. While we waited in pre-op Hammer kept kissing me and telling me to remember each one. And then at one point he told me that he was talking his vitamins because he heard that couples are more fertile after this procedure. We had a longer wait than expected because our anesthesiologist got a phone consult. During that time I kept rubbing my tummy and saying goodbye to the little one that was not meant to be. Once he was off the phone he came in to tell me what anesthesia I would be on but really all I cared about was that I was out cold and wouldn’t remember a thing.

Finally they came to take me back. I was wheeled into the operating room and helped up on to the table. The anesthesiologist asked me some questions which I don’t really remember now because he was adding my drugs to the IV. I do remember my doctor attaching the leg harnesses to the table and I had a moment where I realized what an unattractive position I was about to be in with my legs splayed in the air. And at that same moment I realized the lights were spinning around above me and the last thing I remember saying was, “Oh good, the lights are starting to look funny.” And I was out. The next thing I remember was coming to in the recovery room. My first instinct was to reach out and touch my stomach but that brought on the realization that it was all gone now and I wept. I had a new nurse attending to me and she brought me tissues and sat with me. And to my amazement again this new nurse told me that the Lord has plans for us. She let me cry, comforted me and never left my side except to get Hammer when it was time to leave. It was overwhelming to think who these women are that spoke words of comfort to me in our time of sadness. They did not know us, our faith, what we had been through but both of them spoke the same words, “The Lord has plans for us.”

I spent the rest of the day sleeping off my anesthesia on the couch while Hammer took care of me. I was sore and had to take ES Tylen.ol for the pain. The next day my mom came and stayed with me while Hammer went back to work. Later in the day my brother stopped in to keep us company and watch movies. By evening time Hammer came home from work and my dad even stopped by. We all had dinner together and honestly it didn’t feel intrusive or overwhelming, in fact I enjoyed having them all there.


Saturday, Hammer was determined to make our house look Christmas-y. Secretly I think he thought it would cheer me up. He put up the outside lights and even took me out to get a tree. I only wanted a small one but we ended up leaving with the biggest tree we’ve ever had. The stump barely fit in our tree stand. But Hammer insisted on it even though he had to carry and put it up with very minimal help on my part. Later that day he brought up all the boxes of decorations even though he ended up putting most of them by himself once I had tuckered out and passed out on the couch. I appreciated all he did that day as my initial response was to do nothing this year. But now that Christmas has come and gone I think it would have just put me in a more depressed mood to have done nothing.


Sunday evening was my parent’s church’s annual Christmas Cantata which my mother performs in every year. It’s also the church where Hammer and I were married. While we attended I don’t think I was prepared for the overwhelming flood of emotions that hit me. Sitting there made me think about all the dreams and plans of a future together, of a family that were made on our wedding day. And now we sat there 6 years into our marriage, childless, with nothing to show but years of heartache and two losses. I broke down into tears and cried nearly the whole time.


Afterwards they had refreshments and I ran in to the choir director and his wife. They learned that morning of our loss when my mother shared with them what had occurred (she had asked me first). They went on to tell me that their own daughter is now expecting after 7 years of trying and loss and she too had been silent about their struggle and asked her parents to say nothing. Because of this they had suspected that we were having the same issues and revealed that they had been praying for us for the last two years. I was so touched and it brought me to tears once again. I now understand why my mom had asked to share with them.

Three times I had been touched by words of comfort; twice from a stranger and once by a family friend who I had been reluctant to let into our struggle. It has made me realize that we are not forgotten and that the support of trusted family and friends is so important. I will not sugar coat the fact that going through our second Christmas in a row after a miscarriage is one of the most difficult experiences to endure. But I do feel hopeful and I don’t know why exactly but I just feel like we are going to be ok.

We have an appointment for Hammer with an Andrologist at the end of January and maybe we’ll get more answers. But for right now the fertility treatments are done. We still need to discuss the option of embryo adoption but the appointment for the adoption agency is on hold until next year. We just need some time. I am still waiting for my period to come. I’ve read that it takes 10 days after the procedure for your hormones to come down and 20 days without bleeding for your body to reset properly. I have not had any bleeding since the day of the procedure and we’re now at 26 days post D&C. Hopefully AF will be coming soon. I’m actually looking forward to her arrival as it will finally signal the end of this whole debacle. Our results from the D&C are not back yet but we will have an appointment hopefully in the next couple of weeks to discuss the results of the testing and my blood work. Right now I am just using the clinic to get the testing done and trying not to burn bridges in case we need to use them for embryo adoption. I hope that 2011 will finally be the year for us to expand our family one way or another.

Wrapping my Mind Around it All

Now that it's been a little over a week since our D&C I've been trying to get a grip on everything that happened starting with how our IVF cycle ended now that I have all of the information. So here is the whole synopsis.

I guess when they called us with our blood hcg on 10.23.10 the level was 5 and apparently anything 5 and under is negative. So the RN just told me the blood value was negative. I got my period the next day which I thought was odd because normally after I stopped the progesterone it takes like 3 days to come. But I figured it was a blessing. I had a normal 4 day, full blood, yucky, crampy period. Then we went about our lives trying to move on. We went out, ate sushi, drank wine (a glass) etc. I was tired but it was also daylights savings time so figured my body wasn’t adjusting well. Then around Nov 8^th or so I was having mild nausea but it would come and go and wouldn’t be every day so I really thought nothing of it. That same day I started having what I thought was ovulation pain on the left side. I had that sharp twitching that lasted just for a a few seconds and never happened again. I went home that afternoon and took an ovulation test which came up very positive. Even though we didn't 'prep' Hammer for that cycle we did enjoy our selves that night. I had ordered some Instead Cups as I had heard they might help keep the boys up near your cervix. I thought this would be a good time to try them out but certainly didn't think that anything would come of it. On a side note, the Instead Cups fit "most" women but I am not one of those women. When I took the cup out after only a few hours and feeling very uncomfortable the whole time I saw blood and it freaked me out. I have never had mid cycle spotting but I figured that maybe I just irritated my cervix too much trying to make my first attempt to put it in. Total disaster. So I resolved to get a Diva Cup instead which come in different sizes. November 11th was our meeting with the RE and while I sat in the office with him making random guesses that my eggs must be bad because "what's left," I was actually pregnant, oh the irony.

I went to get the flu shot on Monday Nov 15^th and had to fill out the same form 3 times because I kept circling ‘yes’ that I was pregnant and I totally didn’t think I was. I chucked it up to wishful thinking and fatigue and got the shot. A few days later the nausea came in full force and while I never got sick it was hit or miss if I could get up the urge to eat anything. I thought I got the stomach flu from the shot and totally forgot about how I had mild nausea the week before. Later in the week my mother kept telling me to take a HPT but I refused rationalizing that it didn't make sense because I was only a week and a half post ovulation, or so I thought. So certainly my nausea couldn't be morning sickness. My period was supposed to arrive on Friday Nov 19^th but because we’ve been dealing with this for 4 ½ years I’m not really quick to test and wanted to wait to see if it was actually late. We had a wedding for my cousin that weekend so we were out of town and staying at my parents house. I have to admit that over this weekend I did start to get suspicious. My boobs were totally getting sore, the fatigue was setting in but the nausea was lifting a bit and the food cravings and aversions were starting. I was starting to feel more like I did with our first pregnancy where my symptoms started right away. So based upon that factor I thought that maybe we did get pregnant on our own. I never thought that it could be from our IVF cycle because I had a blood test that was negative and period!

When Monday Nov 22 rolled around and my period was nowhere in sight I took a test and it came up positive immediately. Hammer and I were shocked but we totally thought that it had happened naturally. I called my RE and asked for a blood test. The next day we were shocked again to hear it was over 61,000 which falls around levels for 8 ½ to 9 weeks. They immediately scheduled us for an u/s the next day. I took the day off of work just in case which turned out to be a very good decision. At the ultrasound the room was a bit crowded as it was our RE, a student, Hammer and myself. When the image of our baby showed up on the monitor I was totally shocked to see just how far along we were. This was the first time we had ever seen not only a placenta, but an aminotic sac and a little baby attached by it's umbilical cord. It had little hands and feet but as much as I tried to see it there was no flicker on the screen. I kept saying "I don't understand, I had a period, I had a negative blood test." Our doctor did measurements and officially told us that he didn't see a heart beat. He then started rambling on about the crown-to-rump length but honestly after I heard that there was no heart beat I didn't hear anything else. I was in total shock but I do remember telling him that I can't end the pregnancy just yet. After the ultrasound we went back to his office and I slumped into one of the chairs and kept saying, "I don't understand" over and over again. He said that we would be just fine waiting till next week and had his RN schedule another ultrasound for the following Wednesday. When we left the office we went to see my mom who was in town and told both her and my brother, who happened to be there, our shocking news. My mom is a former pathophysiology professor so she was whipping out her manuals and asking us developmentally what we saw on the monitor. It was at about 7 1/2 to 8 weeks development. We went through Thanksgiving weekend in a state of shock and sadness. I totally felt pregnancy symptoms the entire time which was confusing. I could barely eat any of the Thanksgiving meal as I was having food aversions and spent most of the night asleep on the sofa at my Aunt and Uncles house. As the week went on leading up to our appointment I noticed that I started showing. I also discovered I could only fit into two pairs of pants. I'm not a large person so it was very apparent that at only 91/2 -10 weeks that my tummy was sticking out already making it much more emotionally difficult to know that our baby was gone.

The day before I requested to have my hcg and progesterone done so we would have the results at our appointment. The following Wed I had both Hammer and my mother come with me. I also requested no student be present as it was just too much to handle that again. Unfortunately the ultrasound confirmed again what we had already learned the previous week. My mom was there to ask questions that we just wouldn't think of to ask or be too emotional. The baby looked smaller on the screen but I think it just wasn't as good of an angle as the last time. This time we could wrap our minds around it a bit more and felt more prepared to make a decision. My hcg though had continued to go up and was now near 70,000 while my progesterone was only 6. I was hoping that maybe if the hcg was going down it would help make a decision but I was surprised to hear about the progesterone. I have to say it made me suspicious since I hadn't been on progesterone at all. But our RE said that the majority of women don't need the progesterone and likely what I thought was ovulation was my corpus lutem twitching as it worked to increase the progesterone. But I still wonder as I have heard that low progesterone that does not cause bleeding can still cause a decreased amount of blood to the fetus. Our RE offered to let us go another week if we needed it and did say that we could do the Cytotec to bring on a natural miscarriage. But I was completely traumatized by that experience and I only had a gestational sac of 5 weeks that time. We decided to do a D&C because we wanted to have a pathology report done to see if it would give us some answers since we've tried for so long to get this far only to have so much happen and end in tragedy. I had a d&c scheduled for the next day (Dec 2). Since I was 10 week along and my placenta was quite large I didn’t want to try to have a natural miscarriage anyway. There was no knowing when it would actually happen since my hcg kept on rising and I was totally showing already. I don’t think I could have handled having to buy maternity pants just to wait out a miscarriage. And since I didn’t have any medical care, i.e. I stopped my progesterone and thyroid medication, we wanted to know if that was the cause of our loss or if it was genetic.

[I'm going to brag about my mom here because I think she is amazing]

On another note, my mom hated our RE. It made all my feelings more justified. I completely trust her medical opinion above all else as she is literally a walking medical dictionary. And she went head to head with him on the DNA fragmentation. Apparently because I had been talking to her about it she went and looked up the research herself. As editor of a medical journal and NIH grant reviewer she knows good research from bad and agrees with the research on DNA fragmentation as a likely cause of our issues. As we sat there still in shock and disappointment we did enjoy our RE getting his butt handed to him while my mom argued her points. Way to go mom.

Upcoming post...D&C and next steps.

At Peace

Thank you for all your prayers and support.  Today we went in for a follow up ultrasound but we did not see any growth or signs of a heart beat.  I am scheduled for a D&C tomorrow morning.  Last time I did the Cytotec pills but that was when I just had a small sac and this is much more significant.  Also this way Hammer and I can have a pathology report done to see why we lost our little one.

It is interesting to note that when we questioned further if our first beta was truly negative we found out that it was in fact 5.  Apparently they categorize anything 5 or less as negative.   That is fine except that ours was clearly not a true negative.  It has shaken my confidence in our clinic and leaves me feeling that they helped put us in this bad position.  I know it might not have changed the outcome but it does add to our frustrations. 

Self Preservation

I have been making efforts all week to plan for fun things that will be healing. One of them even happened today – a chair massage. Our office wellness committee has a women come in once a month who charges $1 a minute. $15 = 15 minutes of heaven. I didn’t even realize how tight my shoulders were until she attempted to loosen them. Holy sore but now I feel great.

I also got a seasonal flu shot yesterday. Not exactly fun but I had been putting it off with IVF and then the pregnancy. So it was about time. I don’t qualify yet for the swine vaccine but those will open up in the next few weeks for the general public. I figure if I get them now then I won’t have to worry later. Since my job entails clinics with pregnant women, children and babies everywhere it’s a must on many different levels.

Then I booked our January snowy cabin in the woods for JUST US. Won’t this be blissful sitting here…

Drinking some of this…

while the snow falls outside? Can’t wait. BUT it gets better! I have two gift certificates for a local spa that I have yet to use. So what would be better than the morning of our weekend getaway to spend it doing this…

and this…

and this…

I sure can’t think of anything.

On the m/c front, I had my blood drawn last Thursday which came back negative so now the m/c is complete. So I asked my nurse when I should expect my period and was surprised to hear it would be 4-6 weeks. I had no idea it would take that long but essentially it’s a full cycle once your HCG is gone. It’s likely that I won’t ovulate but some women do, like my cousin-in-law, but I’m thinking I might end up being one of those women. My ovaries are starting to get sore and (TMI) I’ve some very obvious CM going on down there. So we’ll see. I haven’t temped or used an OPK yet just cause I had no idea what to expect with a post m/c cycle but I might run out and get some OPKs.

Hammer and I were finally able to do the sperm DNA testing. That was eventful. We were ‘prepped’ and ready to go for collection last Thursday when it all fell through. We are working with a company who sends you the collection kit and then the day of the collection (which is only done on Tues/Wed/Thur) they are to ship you a perishable transport container filled with dry ice to pack the sample and send back. Both Hammer and I had taken the afternoon off of work because FEDEX priority was to arrive at noon with our ice. Well we were sitting around waiting and the package never arrived. When I called the company the women on the phone could see that I had called twice, spoke with a representative, and that the order had been entered but the person never officially submitted it. We ended up having to reschedule for the 15th so yesterday we took the afternoon off again but this time the package was on time and back on a plane by 5pm. We’ll have to wait 12 days for the results.

In the meantime I’m just focusing on the holidays. So that means peppermint bark, gingerbread cookies and wrapping presents – and counting down the days till our snowy cabin getaway!

The Hits, They Keep On Coming

First, thank you all for your input, comments, and opinions on my Chicago situation. It was so affirming of what I was feeling. I wish I had IRL friends who were even half as supportive as all of you are so I just can’t thank you enough. Ok now to the meat of the last few days.

Thursday of last week, after a horrible night of sleeping I had typed up a huge email to Hammer rambling on about how I don't think we should go to Chicago with them, OR nor should they come on our snowy-cabin-in-the-woods-in-January-retreat that they invited themselves to (more about that later*). At first he was hesitant and asking if I was really sure but that it was in their court if they could afford it now that they were expecting.....errrrrttttttt (tires squealing). "No dear," I told him, "it’s still in our court to say we can't go if it's not healthy for us, mainly me at this time." He said we'd talk about it when I got home.

Later that evening, after I had made it back around 4pm, we were supposed to go over to our friends house (D [husband] and N [wife]). I contacted them and cancelled because I was just too exhausted to go anywhere. The next day I was chatting on the phone with my mom getting her opinion on the situation and she agreed that Chicago was a no-go. I popped on to the computer with her still on the phone so I could email her some Christmas ideas and saw an email from our friend D who has currently been out of work for 5 months, it was titled “Good News.” I told my mom to hang on a minute because I wanted to read this email from D (she knew he was out of work) hoping that this email was a job offer. Guess what it was actually about? Oh you did guess it didn’t you! Yes, they are indeed expecting their second child, 11 ½ weeks to be exact which for them meant they got pregnant almost three months after he lost his job. Well doesn’t that beat all! And according to the email they had wanted to tell us the other night but I cancelled on them. Could you imagine if we had gone? I don’t think I could have handled it and probably would have cried right in front of them. I mean seriously people, in my email to them cancelling I wrote, “I’m sorry to cancel but I seem to be struggling with insomnia due to the miscarriage. The dropping in hormones is causing me to have issues with falling or staying asleep so I was up over half the night last night. I’m so sorry to cancel but this continues to be a difficult process for me.” Now tell me, would your first thought be, “Oh the Hammers aren’t coming tonight because she is still struggling with her miscarriage. We should just email them that we’re pregnant.” I totally lost it on the phone but thank God it was with my mother who was such a comfort.

Later that evening when Hammer got home he asked if I had seen the email from D. I asked him how he felt about it. His response was jealousy and sadness. While he is very good friends with D this was a big blow to him. We had been struggling for a year and half with TTC when they had announced they were pregnant with their first child after just one try. Hammer said that after he got the email he immediately called up our other friends and told them that we would not be going to Chicago. He said that he didn’t want me to have to deal with being the one to tell them what with two back to back pregnancy announcements. I was so thankful for that. It has been a difficult week. I’m so wrought with emotions it’s ridiculous. That makes two couples where the husband is out of work and they are pregnant. In a sarcastic tone I told Hammer that I'd figured out how to get pregnant and that he needed to quit his job. He replied back, "No problem, I'll put in my notice on Monday."

The strange thing is that earlier that week I had been feeling hopeful and now it’s the complete opposite. I know I should be happy for them but I just feel more left behind than ever. I have been praying and praying for direction, for anything right now but all I’ve received is silence. And that has been the hardest part.

I will (hopefully) have my last blood test Thursday of this week and am praying that my results are <5 and that my period is not far behind it. Maybe if I could just move forward by getting my period and ending this cycle I will feel better, maybe. I’m trying desperately to keep my eyes on the Lord so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the emotions that come from friend's pregnancy announcements (frustration, jealously, anger, and sadness). I just don’t want to drown in them and get caught in a state of sadness instead of trying to be positive about the next few months, taking time to focus on my marriage, and remember that God still has a plan for us.

Hammer and I have planned a weekend getaway in January to hopefully spend a quiet, peaceful weekend alone together. IF is hard in so many ways and even though our marriage is strong we just feel that with everything that has gone on this year (my dad, 2 IVF’s, a miscarriage) that we need time to just appreciate one another. We happened to mention this to our Chicago-trip friends pre-pregnancy announcement (and yes we did mention this as a weekend alone) and the wife just jumped on it saying how we should get cabins together instead of going to Chicago and how fun that would be blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know how to get out of it but thankfully we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately I think this all may have wrecked my relationship with her in that I don’t feel that I can confide in her about IF anymore but in some ways I think this is for the best.

Am I Being Selfish?

Ok, I have to ask your advice and opinion. Last night, after learning about my friend's miracle pregnancy, I spent some time in prayer before going to bed. I prayed to God, sharing my heart, struggles, fears and asking Him when it will finally be our turn. It was difficult because while I don't feel abandoned or forgotten I do feel tired, worn, and emotionally drained. I told Him that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take and prayed that the end will come soon. Actually I pleaded that the end would come soon as well as prayed for Him to give us direction.

This miscarriage has left us floundering a bit. We're not sure where we should be going or what direction on this journey is God's will for our lives. That's why a future IVF cycle is in the future because we are throwing it out there but just not sure when that may be. But we'd rather throw it out there and see if God gives us the nodd or not. It's the same thing with adoption, it's out there but we just don't know if that is where we are supposed to be headed yet. I just feel like a kid in the back seat asking God, "Are we there yet?" with no concept of where we are headed so the journey seems endless.

When I tried to fall asleep it was torture. I was wide awake and all I could think about was my friend and how I was no longer pregnant. We had been planning a New Years trip to Chicago this year and when we found out we were pregnant we laughed about how I would be the designated walker (since we won't have a car), how I might not make it to midnight etc. Yesterday I had called her because I had found a great deal on a hotel and wanted to know if they still wanted to go this year. Instead I was greated with her announcement, which is exciting for them, but now I'm in the inverse situation. Now if we go to Chicago she will be the designated walker, and she might not make it to midnight. And all I will be thinking about is that this should be me or us, how fun if it would have been the both of us. But it's not to be. And now I think I'm realizing that this situation may not be the best one for me to be in while I am still healing from our loss. This has brought up a lot of emotion about our miscarriage that I had yet to start feeling. I don't know if I was blocking it out or if I hadn't thought that far in advance until now.

She is a very sweet person and very supportive but she is not a 'true' infertile and does not understand the pain, emotional toll, and the level of sensitivity that the pregnancy topic requires around an infertile. What I mean by that is that they hadn't even tried yet to get pregnant before. This was a total fluke where her meds just didn't arrive on time and low-and-behold she ovulated and got pregnant. All they knew is that it might be a problem but they had yet to suffer through months of failed trying, negative pregnancy tests, multiple doctors appointments, the side effect of fertility drugs and the never-ending longing for the allusive baby. So here I am on the phone with her rattling on about how she is now pregnant, and can she eat soft cheeses, and what about lunch meat, and all her symptoms, and how she can't drink in Chicago but I can drink for her now and on and on and on. She never stopped to think that maybe this hurt because she was excited. I can't blame her but I think a real infertile would have known to wear some kid gloves in that conversation. So I'm not sure that I even want to be there with them when I'm mourning the loss of our pregnancy while she prattles on about hers. I just don't think that is a healthy situation to put myself in. But then I think, am I being selfish? Am I spoiling all the fun because she has what I want? What do you think?

Playing Catch Up

Well there is a lot to update on since my last post. For ease I'll put it in bullet points:

• I had blood work to check my HCG levels the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My RN called the next day to say that they went from 5,000+ down to 600 which is awesome.
• Hammer and I spent Thanksgiving with his family this year. It was a nice time but honestly his mom is a very plain cook and I really, really missed my family's cooking. I think I'll have to make my family's traditional stuffing just to get my fix. She also has an obsession with the giblets and puts them in everything, egh. I'm sorry but I know what the liver does and it's not something I want to ingest.
• The miscarriage bleeding lasted till Black Fr.iday which I was surprised but really happy about. I'm really hoping that I get my period soon so that I can get my body reset.
• As some of you know on Sunday my email got hacked through my facebook account but all appears to be well now. Except that some blogger named Dewayne left a weird message on my Hijacked post. Dewayne are you my hacker? Just wondering.
• I had to travel out of town on Monday for a Federal audit of which I was given a one month warning (surprise!) And then got a bigger surprise...I started bleeding again. I had to run back to my hotel to grab some feminine products which I brought but just didn't take some in my purse.
• I also had to find a lab to get my blood drawn while I was out of town. Fortunately there was one right across from my hotel. Unfortunately it took FOREVER to get it done as the lady was so slow and the computer kept rejecting my information.
• I got my results today and was really hoping that it would be zero and that the bleeding was my period but it was only 54. I say "only" but 54 is actually pretty good. I will need to get my blood drawn, hopefully, one more time to confirm that it's down below 5 which for them is = to zero. So the bleeding was probably not my period and it's gone as of today. I'll still need to be on the look out for it and this time I'm carrying 'supplies' at all times until it does.
• I'm really, secretly, hoping that I my body resets because I'd love to start trying naturally as soon as possible. I actually have some hope that maybe, just maybe the thyroid is the missing piece. I hate to get my hopes up but they are and I'm just going to go with it. I know I said my ute needs a rest but I really just feel that my tummy, my butt and my who-ha need to stop being poked and prodded by needles and probes.
• Finally, I have an IRL friend who is 32 and recently married for a little over a year. She has known that she has PCOS since she was about 18 years old. We have been talking about IF because she and her husband are going to start trying soon and she knows that it will be an uphill battle for them. She has been trying to eat healthier and loose some weight to prepare her body. But things are on hold until her husband can pass his nursing boards and get a job. Just a few weeks ago she and I were talking and she filled me in that her BCP were late so she could not start her new pack and had been off of them for two weeks. Now she has not been off BCP for about 8 years because it helps her body stay healthy due to her PCOS. She was describing ovulation symptoms which she thought were pregnancy symptoms but being the 'TTC expert' I told her that it was ovulation. She and her husband decided to just go for it because she had been told she would never ovulate on her own and if she was they wanted to take advantage of it and just see what happens. Well I think you all know where this is going, right? Yep she just called me moments ago and told me that she is pregnant. It's so bittersweet having just miscarried and shared the pain of that process with her. And then to suddenly hear that they are pregnant after just one random try. Although I am so happy for them because I really would never want anyone to have to experience IVF, it just hurts a bit. I wonder why they received this miracle so quickly when we have been praying for so long, we thought that maybe this last pregnancy was our chance only to have it taken away. I don't think I'll ever really understand why we have been given this trial or why we continue to be left behind by friends and fellow infertiles in the elusive chase for a baby. I wonder at what point will this journey end? At what point will God say, "Alright, it's finally time" and give us the blessing of a child. Oh what I would give to have insight into God's plan for our family! So my fellow IF's (and yes I even mean those of you who are now pregnant and or mommies) will you help us out? Hammer, my family and I are praying for our own miracle to finally come. We are specifically praying that God would allow us to get pregnant before we have to do our final IVF. I know that so many of you wonderful ladies have already been praying for us which I cherish so much already as you are all in my prayers as well. That's why I wanted to fill you in on our specific prayer if you'd like to pray along with us.

Vicoden and I, we is not friends

So Friday night was m-day, or our medicated miscarriage day. As the week ticked down I began to get more emotional about it. I started to become symptomatic again. I could feel the twinges in my uterus as the little empty sac continued to grow in the presence of the ever increasing HCG. What can I say, I make a good placenta. Now all we need is to put a baby in there. I never second guessed our decision even though I prayed every day that if there really was a baby in there that God would lay it on our hearts to not go through with it. Instead the only thing that brought me to tears was my fear that this could be the most pregnant I would ever be, ever, and it would end on Friday. And that thought alone made me want to hold off a bit longer. But I knew holding off would only put off the inevitable and I knew in my heart that there was no baby. On Friday I talked with my RN (who was out sick the day of my last u/s) and she gave me more details on what to expect and the up coming weeks of blood draws to make sure the HCG continued to go down. She recommended that I not take it over night as she worried I would not sleep well. I decided to go to my yoga class at lunch thinking that would be a good thing to do to keep me relaxed considering the night ahead. Except that during some of our moves I had to lay on my stomach, which made my boobies hurt, which made me think about every thing and I found myself crying big aligator tears while in child's pose.

Hammer and I decided to split the difference so I started the cytotec at 6:30pm last night. I shoved 3 little white pills up my who-ha and downed a vicoden. I was prescribed 1-2 vicoden every 4-6 hours but thought I'd start with one since I'm really sensitive to drugs. I knew that it would take about 2 hours before the cramping would begin so I thought I'd get on top of my pain by taking the vicoden early. I just did not anticipate how painful it would be. At about 8:30-9:00 pm I lay there with Hammer on the couch trying to watch a movie to take my mind off of the pain. By about 9:30-10:00 I was death gripping the couch, tears streaming down my face. My RN was right, I would not have been able to sleep through this. I took a second vicoden around 9:30 pm as the one was just not doing anything. Around 10:30-11:00pm I figured the first one was out of my system and I would be safe to take a third since the pain continued to increase. Oh what a mistake. Somehow I had managed to fall asleep on the couch while Hammer played video games. As the night wore on I continued to sleep on the couch and Hammer did not want to wake me so he fell asleep on the other loveseat so I would not be alone and thank God he did. I had apparently become dehydrated which intensified the dizziness effect of the vicoden. So when I tried to get up to use the restroom around 2:00 am I started to black out, could not stand up on my own and was dry heaving. I have never felt so awful and helpless in my life. Hammer had immediately woke up to help me. I barely made it into the bathroom and Hammer had to even support me so that I would not fall of the toilet seat. This was not my finest hour. I actually almost told Hammer to call an ambulance because it was so intense. Finally I seemed get my bearings and he helped me into bed, put a damp cloth on my head, a heating pad on my tummy and held my hand until I fell asleep.

By morning I felt much better and the heating pad has been wonderful. I've been using it all day, drinking plenty of fluids and have only needed one vicoden at a time to keep the cramping in control. My RE had said that if I didn't pass a lot of tissue to take the other three Cytotec. Since was not sure if I had I ended up taking the last three around 4:30 pm today but did not have a repeat of last night's cramping. So I assume that everything that needed to pass has done so. Now we will just be doing blood draws every week until my levels are down below 5. From there I should have my period and my body should finally reset its self. Sadly this could be a month long ordeal of just getting my HCG down but it's not like we're going to jump into another round of fertility treatments anytime soon. The Hammers need a bit of a break. Actually Mrs. Hammer's ute needs a break.

Yet I know in my heart that God has not abandoned us even though we have had to go through this trial. The peace that I had on Monday remains and I know that this is not the end of the road for us.