Oh where do I even begin. So I was expecting my period on Friday of last week but it was late. I decided that maybe I was still messed up from IVF so Hammer and I decided to wait until Monday to test if I hadn't gotten my period yet. When Monday rolled around and AF was no where to be seen I pulled out a free internet cheapie, did the deed and in mere seconds the test turned up positive. We were shocked.
I called my RE's nurse that morning and went in for a blood draw late that afternoon. Some where around 11am the next day I got a call but I could not have been prepared for what she was about to tell me. My HCG was over 60,000. I was speechless. She told me that my RE thought that maybe the first beta was a false negative but since I 'bled' i.e. thought I got my period, we didn't do the repeat beta.
I was scheduled for an ultrasound today at 10:30. Sure enough there was a gestational sac, yolk sac, and fetal pole. But to our dismay there was no heart beat. The baby is measuring a bit off based upon dates, i.e. more like 7 weeks.
Hammer and I have decided to wait and do a repeat ultrasound next Wednesday. We are asking for you to pray with us for a miracle. Our hope is that some how this baby implanted so ridiculously late that we are just looking too early for a heart beat. We know that the chances are extremely slim but God does do miracles.
I still cannot get over the fact that I've been walking around for the last four weeks completely unaware that I was even pregnant. Looking back I did have some tell tale symptoms. But I think because I had such heavy bleeding immediately after our negative results, and that the bleeding lasted for four days we just could not imagine that I could be pregnant. I mean for Pete's sake I thought I ovulated. I even took an ovulation test! As a side note I did go back and pee on another ovulation stick to see if maybe it would come up positive now that I knew I was pregnant and it did so I am just floored and very confused. Please pray for us during this time. We can barely wrap our minds around what has all transpired in the last three days. Going from thinking we conceived on our own, to having extremely high hcg, to an ultrasound without a heart beat. It's just excruciating and even more painful having seen a little baby with it's tiny arms and legs inside of me.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Peanut(s) Need Your Prayers!!!
Please take a moment and pray for Erin and Tom at Hoping for Our Own Peanut, they just went through IVF (transferred 2 embabies) this month and had their first BFP and beta of 89. But the subsequent beta did not double as they hoped. They are very fearful for their peanut(s) and could use all the prayer and support they can get.
UPDATE: All appears to be well now! The power of prayer is awesome.
UPDATE: All appears to be well now! The power of prayer is awesome.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Like Peas and Carrots
That's what Aunt Flow and I are like right now, peas and carrots. She showed up perfectly on time. I know that God is working in the back ground to take care of those details that I have no control over. Aunt Flow's arrival on Saturday means that my day 3 FSH will be drawn on Monday. If she had been even one day late it would have been impossible because of my travel. If she had been early, well I would have had to scramble to find a lab that was open on a Sunday.
When I called to find out if my blood test and Hammers SA was part of the IVF money that had to be paid up front before beginning any part of the process I discovered - it's not! That means we can do our pre-IVF testing that will help guide us to when we should do it without having to pull together the payment right away. God is taking care of our details.
On a cool note we had dinner last night with our friends who asked to pray for us. Before going out we spent time in prayer. She had borrowed a book called "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery" because it had a few prayers about asking God to increase fertility. So in addition to their personal prayers for us they also read these prayers and gave us a copy as well. I've included them in case you would be interested in them. They also have scriptural references.
Desire to Conceive:
"Father, we thank You that children are the heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. Children are Your idea Father; You thought up children, and family and home. You instituted the family in the Garden of Eden. You ordered children; You commanded them when You said to Adam and Eve, "be fruitful and multiply." You said that the barren womb is never satisfied. Lord, the Word declares that I am wonderfully and fearfully made by You; therefore I am perfect and able to conceive and have children. You said that I would be a fruitful vine by the side of our house and our children like olive plants around our table. We are not ashamed but happy because our quiver is full of children (or arrows as You call them).
Thank You, Father, that You designed and fashioned me to have children, that in the Bible barrenness was the exception, not the rule, not Your will, not normal, something against Your plan and purpose. And in Your goodness and faithfulness, every barren woman in the Bible was godly and believed in Your Word became pregnant; you opened her womb and blessed her, and she gave birth to a precious baby just as I will. You make the barren woman to keep house and be a joyful mother of children.
You said, Father, that because You are our God and are Your people and have a covenant with You, that You will love us and bless us and multiply us and bless the fruit of my womb and that neither male nor female among Your people would be barren.
Father, we are redeemed from the curse of the law by Jesus and being barren is under the curse of the Law; therefore, we will receive from Your grace and have children.
Father, no plague, no evil shall come nigh our dwelling. We are healed by the stripes of Jesus. Sickness of any kind is taken out of our midst. You said to ask anything of You in Jesus' name and it would be done; and that if two of us on earth agree as touching anything it would be done. So we pray and we agree with You and Your Word, Father, that we will conceive and bring forth a healthy, precious baby to Your glory and honor. We pray all this according to Your word and will. You said, this is the confidence that we have in You, that if we ask anything according to Your will, You hear us; and if You hear us, we know we have the petition we desire of You. We have it now. Thank You, Father, in Jesus' name."
Speaking to Your Body:
"Body, we speak to you in Jesus' name: You will come in line and agreement with the Word of God. You will respond to His Holy Word. You will function properly and perfectly, the way God intended you to. Every part, every organ of our reproductive system conforms to the Word and plan of God as we come together in pure, marital love. Body conceive! Be pregnant. Cooperate with God's plan: perfect ovulation, release of perfect eggs from the ovaries, thorough the fallopian tubes, penetrated and impregnated, fertilized by healthy sperm. Good solid attachment to uterine wall and nourished and protected for nine months (40 weeks) unharmed and unhindered. Grow to a perfect baby - spirit, soul, and body. Your Word says, Father, that none shall cast their young, nor be barren among Your people and the number of our days You will fulfill. This pregnancy will be fulfilled. We decree it in Jesus' name and receive God's best; we won't settle for anything less in Jesus' holy name. Thank you, Lord, that it is so and done to Your honor and glory. Amen."
Genesis 1:28; Exodus 23:25; Psalm 91; 113:9, 127:3-5, 128:3, 139:14; Matt 18:19; John 16:23; Galatians 3:13; 1 John 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24;
When I called to find out if my blood test and Hammers SA was part of the IVF money that had to be paid up front before beginning any part of the process I discovered - it's not! That means we can do our pre-IVF testing that will help guide us to when we should do it without having to pull together the payment right away. God is taking care of our details.
On a cool note we had dinner last night with our friends who asked to pray for us. Before going out we spent time in prayer. She had borrowed a book called "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery" because it had a few prayers about asking God to increase fertility. So in addition to their personal prayers for us they also read these prayers and gave us a copy as well. I've included them in case you would be interested in them. They also have scriptural references.
Desire to Conceive:
"Father, we thank You that children are the heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. Children are Your idea Father; You thought up children, and family and home. You instituted the family in the Garden of Eden. You ordered children; You commanded them when You said to Adam and Eve, "be fruitful and multiply." You said that the barren womb is never satisfied. Lord, the Word declares that I am wonderfully and fearfully made by You; therefore I am perfect and able to conceive and have children. You said that I would be a fruitful vine by the side of our house and our children like olive plants around our table. We are not ashamed but happy because our quiver is full of children (or arrows as You call them).
Thank You, Father, that You designed and fashioned me to have children, that in the Bible barrenness was the exception, not the rule, not Your will, not normal, something against Your plan and purpose. And in Your goodness and faithfulness, every barren woman in the Bible was godly and believed in Your Word became pregnant; you opened her womb and blessed her, and she gave birth to a precious baby just as I will. You make the barren woman to keep house and be a joyful mother of children.
You said, Father, that because You are our God and are Your people and have a covenant with You, that You will love us and bless us and multiply us and bless the fruit of my womb and that neither male nor female among Your people would be barren.
Father, we are redeemed from the curse of the law by Jesus and being barren is under the curse of the Law; therefore, we will receive from Your grace and have children.
Father, no plague, no evil shall come nigh our dwelling. We are healed by the stripes of Jesus. Sickness of any kind is taken out of our midst. You said to ask anything of You in Jesus' name and it would be done; and that if two of us on earth agree as touching anything it would be done. So we pray and we agree with You and Your Word, Father, that we will conceive and bring forth a healthy, precious baby to Your glory and honor. We pray all this according to Your word and will. You said, this is the confidence that we have in You, that if we ask anything according to Your will, You hear us; and if You hear us, we know we have the petition we desire of You. We have it now. Thank You, Father, in Jesus' name."
Speaking to Your Body:
"Body, we speak to you in Jesus' name: You will come in line and agreement with the Word of God. You will respond to His Holy Word. You will function properly and perfectly, the way God intended you to. Every part, every organ of our reproductive system conforms to the Word and plan of God as we come together in pure, marital love. Body conceive! Be pregnant. Cooperate with God's plan: perfect ovulation, release of perfect eggs from the ovaries, thorough the fallopian tubes, penetrated and impregnated, fertilized by healthy sperm. Good solid attachment to uterine wall and nourished and protected for nine months (40 weeks) unharmed and unhindered. Grow to a perfect baby - spirit, soul, and body. Your Word says, Father, that none shall cast their young, nor be barren among Your people and the number of our days You will fulfill. This pregnancy will be fulfilled. We decree it in Jesus' name and receive God's best; we won't settle for anything less in Jesus' holy name. Thank you, Lord, that it is so and done to Your honor and glory. Amen."
Genesis 1:28; Exodus 23:25; Psalm 91; 113:9, 127:3-5, 128:3, 139:14; Matt 18:19; John 16:23; Galatians 3:13; 1 John 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24;
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Bad news, Good news and Blessings
Bad News:
I woke up today with my temps starting to drop and cramping. Looks like Aunt Flow will be visiting and progesterone is still dumb. Bbs hurt even worse, hunger symptoms stopped yesterday, and I'm so bloated I look like I just ate a small village. IVF, here we come...
Good News:
I called my RE's office because I never heard back on my progesterone and found out it was 56. Yep, so now I've had a 75 and a 56. That means one of two things: I ovulated more than one egg causing two corpus lutems to bring my progesterone up, or I keep conceiving but not implanting. This would be confirmed by the cramping I got days 6-9. Will they do anything about this? No because I still don't have a positive pg test and they don't do an HCG blood draw without a call from me saying, "I got two lines," which I've never said before. Wait this is the "Good News" section? Stay positive. OK. No issues with progesterone = good news.
We can still rejoice in our victories this month: lefty works and Fertilaid makes a difference for Hammer. I'm going to order more after I post.
Also, I might be able to do another IUI this month because of how my cycle fell with my travel for work. I'll have to work these details out with the RE's office but I think I may have spoken too soon when I rejoiced over no more clomid.
The Blessings
I am actually not overly sad knowing that this cycle did not work, I know it's weird. Especially since I previously posted that I would likely be really crushed. When I told Hammer that Aunt Flow appeared to be on her way I had a moment. He looked at me and saw my face get all squishy because I was about to cry. He took my hand and said in a soft and calming voice, "Are you trying not to cry, don't cry, we'll be alright." And I knew in that second that it was alright, God was in control and we would be alright. I feel totally at peace and I recalled the verse:
Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I know that God has heard our cries, our prayers and pleadings for a baby. Our requests have been made known to Him for the last 2 years and 8 months. That fact is comforting but what is even more comforting is that He has given me the peace that is guarding my heart and my mind from overwhelming sadness. As it is human to do so I had my moments this month where I thought, "It didn't work" and "I think it worked" but I would stop and tell myself to guard my heart and prayed for God to grant me His peace. And now I am wrapped up in that peace, thank you Jesus.
The other thing that He's put in my heart is that we are very close. Yes, "very close." I have prayed over what that could mean. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't my own humanness to be subliminally banking on IVF and I can tell you now that it's not. Of course God's definition of close can be very different than our own. Very close to me is like going on a long car drive and after asking, "Are we there yet?," a bunch of times you finally get the answer of, "very soon", instead of just, "soon." And then 20 minutes later you reach your destination. If we look at God's definition it could be "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close"
"Sarah-close" was God telling Abraham who was 75 years of age at the time that He would make a great nation from Abraham's line. Then 15 years later God comes down and say to Abraham who is now 99 years old that his 90 year old wife, Sarah, would conceive but it took 16 years from the time of the prophecy and one surrogate son before Sarah gave birth to Issac.
"Hannah-close" was one of the rare cases when God closed a womb. Hannah was at the temple praying fervently with a passion that only us IFers understand and so passionately that the priest thought she was drunk. While we don't know exactly how long Hannah suffered with infertility we do know that on this day the priest said, "Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him." And then shortly after that it is written that after she laid with her husband, "...the LORD remembered her," she gave birth to Samuel and then she went on to bear several other children. One other thing that I find comforting about Hannah's story is that she also brought her petition to God just as Philippians tells us to do and her petition was heard!
In my human brain "Sarah-close" would equate to "soon" while "Hannah-close" would equate to "very soon." I don't know exactly which one I'm dealing with but I do know that in each instance when God gave insight into his plan they all came to fruition. So that will be the knowledge that I will cling to whether I am "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close" because I am another month closer to the completion of God's plan.
On a side note, when I first started blogging I had posted about an insight I had into why Sarah laughed when God said she would bear a child at age 90. At this time in my TTC I had hit a low point and felt that I needed to keep the pre-prophecy name of Sarai instead of Sarah because I felt like God had not given me the word of His blessing for our family. Today, I called her Sarah.
I woke up today with my temps starting to drop and cramping. Looks like Aunt Flow will be visiting and progesterone is still dumb. Bbs hurt even worse, hunger symptoms stopped yesterday, and I'm so bloated I look like I just ate a small village. IVF, here we come...
Good News:
I called my RE's office because I never heard back on my progesterone and found out it was 56. Yep, so now I've had a 75 and a 56. That means one of two things: I ovulated more than one egg causing two corpus lutems to bring my progesterone up, or I keep conceiving but not implanting. This would be confirmed by the cramping I got days 6-9. Will they do anything about this? No because I still don't have a positive pg test and they don't do an HCG blood draw without a call from me saying, "I got two lines," which I've never said before. Wait this is the "Good News" section? Stay positive. OK. No issues with progesterone = good news.
We can still rejoice in our victories this month: lefty works and Fertilaid makes a difference for Hammer. I'm going to order more after I post.
Also, I might be able to do another IUI this month because of how my cycle fell with my travel for work. I'll have to work these details out with the RE's office but I think I may have spoken too soon when I rejoiced over no more clomid.
The Blessings
I am actually not overly sad knowing that this cycle did not work, I know it's weird. Especially since I previously posted that I would likely be really crushed. When I told Hammer that Aunt Flow appeared to be on her way I had a moment. He looked at me and saw my face get all squishy because I was about to cry. He took my hand and said in a soft and calming voice, "Are you trying not to cry, don't cry, we'll be alright." And I knew in that second that it was alright, God was in control and we would be alright. I feel totally at peace and I recalled the verse:
Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I know that God has heard our cries, our prayers and pleadings for a baby. Our requests have been made known to Him for the last 2 years and 8 months. That fact is comforting but what is even more comforting is that He has given me the peace that is guarding my heart and my mind from overwhelming sadness. As it is human to do so I had my moments this month where I thought, "It didn't work" and "I think it worked" but I would stop and tell myself to guard my heart and prayed for God to grant me His peace. And now I am wrapped up in that peace, thank you Jesus.
The other thing that He's put in my heart is that we are very close. Yes, "very close." I have prayed over what that could mean. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't my own humanness to be subliminally banking on IVF and I can tell you now that it's not. Of course God's definition of close can be very different than our own. Very close to me is like going on a long car drive and after asking, "Are we there yet?," a bunch of times you finally get the answer of, "very soon", instead of just, "soon." And then 20 minutes later you reach your destination. If we look at God's definition it could be "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close"
"Sarah-close" was God telling Abraham who was 75 years of age at the time that He would make a great nation from Abraham's line. Then 15 years later God comes down and say to Abraham who is now 99 years old that his 90 year old wife, Sarah, would conceive but it took 16 years from the time of the prophecy and one surrogate son before Sarah gave birth to Issac.
"Hannah-close" was one of the rare cases when God closed a womb. Hannah was at the temple praying fervently with a passion that only us IFers understand and so passionately that the priest thought she was drunk. While we don't know exactly how long Hannah suffered with infertility we do know that on this day the priest said, "Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him." And then shortly after that it is written that after she laid with her husband, "...the LORD remembered her," she gave birth to Samuel and then she went on to bear several other children. One other thing that I find comforting about Hannah's story is that she also brought her petition to God just as Philippians tells us to do and her petition was heard!
In my human brain "Sarah-close" would equate to "soon" while "Hannah-close" would equate to "very soon." I don't know exactly which one I'm dealing with but I do know that in each instance when God gave insight into his plan they all came to fruition. So that will be the knowledge that I will cling to whether I am "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close" because I am another month closer to the completion of God's plan.
On a side note, when I first started blogging I had posted about an insight I had into why Sarah laughed when God said she would bear a child at age 90. At this time in my TTC I had hit a low point and felt that I needed to keep the pre-prophecy name of Sarai instead of Sarah because I felt like God had not given me the word of His blessing for our family. Today, I called her Sarah.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Moments That Make Us Feel Humbled
I'm sitting here thinking about my blood draw that I need to have done tomorrow. I'm not worried about it. I have to get my progesterone drawn because of my low lining (last u/s check was 7cm). I think I'll be ok because I've always had good levels anywhere between 27-75, yes 75. I have learned that there is no meaning behind a high number other than lots of progesterone. And every time I've had large numbers I have symptoms i.e., sore bbs, nausea, heightened sense of smell, etc. All the symptoms that make you think, "this could be the month," but it never was. I have some of those symptoms now and I'm not reading into any of them as I've been down this road one too many times. It's hard not to get your hopes up at all because all we have is hope and faith that eventually our moment will come. So I've been trying to put our month, our trial into perspective to make sure that while I have hope it's balanced so that I don't suffer another disappointment.
This weekend I visited my uncle (my dad's brother) who, at just the age of 50, is losing his battle with an extremely aggressive brain tumor. He is an awesome Godly man, husband and father of 6 beautiful children ages 22 to 7. He is a simple mailman who always chose to walk his routes instead of drive to stay healthy and fit. But our world was forever changed in June 2008 when what we thought was a stroke turned out to be a brain tumor the size of a baseball. Through surgery, infection, surgery to remove the infection, reactions to medications, failed radiation, arterial blockage, failed chemo, failed experimental drug trials, and seizures, his faith in God has not changed one ounce. Not one ounce. He has not question God's sovereignty nor why this has happened to him. While we don't understand this trial, we know that God is the same God and that He still loves us, that He loves him. My uncle will be leaving this earth in about three months. Leaving his wife, his children, his brothers, his sister, his parents, his nieces, nephews, cousins and friends. His courage has been inspiring in the face of his death.
I've been asking myself if I could be this courageous. I'm not even dealing with death, I'm dealing with creating life. And yet I've questioned why, why we have to endure this trial. Could I be this courageous? I don't know. And that is humbling. Every day is choice to be positive, a choice to see the glass half full, a choice to wait expectantly for God's plan to come to completion. I've had my share of doubting, questioning, anger and frustration. But I want to be counted worthy. I want to finish my race on this earth strong, knowing that I've kept the faith regardless of the trial. I believe that every trial teaches you something and this must be preparing us for something great. I think it was Mandy P's husband who, when hearing that they were part of 7% of couples unable to conceive in one year, said "Then God must be doing something really big in us." God IS doing something big in my uncle's trial - He is bringing their marriage closer, his relationship with his brother closer, my dad is realizing that being compassionate is better than gaining wisdom, and people far and wide are touched when they speak to him and see his steadfast faith. So I will take my trial as training for the BIG thing God is doing in us because I too want to be counted as a faithful servant.
This weekend I visited my uncle (my dad's brother) who, at just the age of 50, is losing his battle with an extremely aggressive brain tumor. He is an awesome Godly man, husband and father of 6 beautiful children ages 22 to 7. He is a simple mailman who always chose to walk his routes instead of drive to stay healthy and fit. But our world was forever changed in June 2008 when what we thought was a stroke turned out to be a brain tumor the size of a baseball. Through surgery, infection, surgery to remove the infection, reactions to medications, failed radiation, arterial blockage, failed chemo, failed experimental drug trials, and seizures, his faith in God has not changed one ounce. Not one ounce. He has not question God's sovereignty nor why this has happened to him. While we don't understand this trial, we know that God is the same God and that He still loves us, that He loves him. My uncle will be leaving this earth in about three months. Leaving his wife, his children, his brothers, his sister, his parents, his nieces, nephews, cousins and friends. His courage has been inspiring in the face of his death.
I've been asking myself if I could be this courageous. I'm not even dealing with death, I'm dealing with creating life. And yet I've questioned why, why we have to endure this trial. Could I be this courageous? I don't know. And that is humbling. Every day is choice to be positive, a choice to see the glass half full, a choice to wait expectantly for God's plan to come to completion. I've had my share of doubting, questioning, anger and frustration. But I want to be counted worthy. I want to finish my race on this earth strong, knowing that I've kept the faith regardless of the trial. I believe that every trial teaches you something and this must be preparing us for something great. I think it was Mandy P's husband who, when hearing that they were part of 7% of couples unable to conceive in one year, said "Then God must be doing something really big in us." God IS doing something big in my uncle's trial - He is bringing their marriage closer, his relationship with his brother closer, my dad is realizing that being compassionate is better than gaining wisdom, and people far and wide are touched when they speak to him and see his steadfast faith. So I will take my trial as training for the BIG thing God is doing in us because I too want to be counted as a faithful servant.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
Matthew 25:23
Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
1 Corinthians 9:24-27
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
Matthew 25:23
Sunday, January 11, 2009
And now we wait...
Well today at 9 am we had our final IUI. I have to say I was extremely happy, positive and relaxed even before going in. But to make it even better we had the absolute BEST SA results over the past 2yrs 8mo, 46 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is DOUBLE every past wash we've ever had! Hammer (what I'm going to call my hub from here on out, long story why for another day - but I am also going to change my ID to Mrs. Hammer) had started taking Fertil-aid which is a high potency vitamin for male infertility. He was actually extremely skeptical but I reminded him that of all the things I have to do for our family, all he's had to do is squirt in a cup a few times, so he can certainly take a vitamin. That was all it took, oh a promise that if it had no effect he could stop. I THINK it had a MAJOR effect, don't you? (#1 -26m, #2-17m, #3-13m, #4-27m,#5-46 million)
Looking back there have been good things that I can remember through all of this. Like how after our IUI's when they have you sit there for 5 minutes we've used that time to pray over the procedure. Today I also felt the Spirit telling me to pray for the other couples that were in the waiting room. I'm always amazed at how many people are there for the early morning IUI's. Each one of us desperately hoping that this would be the month. So I prayed for all of us to receive our miracles. I don't know their names or their stories but I know exactly what they have been going through and how much we all need prayer during this time.
And I'm so grateful for our RE who is an old colleague of my father. It's actually comforting to have someone as your advocate who has a personal connection to you. When I have come back after each failed IUI he speaks to me as a father figure and shares in our disappointment with gentleness and reassurement for the future. He literally holds my hand and says, "Let's make this one be the one," with a softness in his eyes like I was one of his own. That's just awesome. I also appreciate his knowledge as he has been doing this for years (and could actually retire if he wanted too) He does not mess around and does all his IUI's with clomid/hcg to ensure perfect timing. There is no clomid/OPK's in this office. If he's going to put you on drugs he's going to use the best way possible to ensure the most perfect timing; no guessing games. That way if 3-4 of them do not work he moves onto the next step. He is in the business of making babies not money which is great because we don't have a ton of money but we would like a baby!
So now I'm sitting here resting and laying on my left side because lefty had the best looking follicle on Thursday. I'm pretty sure that's the one that took off because when I ovulate from righty I usually feel it due to the endometriosis that was on that ovary. I didn't feel anything this time around. Please pray for this month that it will be successful. God has already been good to us with lefty and high SA numbers we just hope that He will also bring this month to completion = conception.
On a side note I wanted to give a shoutout to my new bloggy friend osuraj who delurked. Thanks for commenting! I've also added you to my blog roll.
Even though National Delurking Week has come to an end I'd still love to hear from those who silently read this blog. I would love to get to know you, add you to my blog roll and share in this crazy infertility journey together.
This is DOUBLE every past wash we've ever had! Hammer (what I'm going to call my hub from here on out, long story why for another day - but I am also going to change my ID to Mrs. Hammer) had started taking Fertil-aid which is a high potency vitamin for male infertility. He was actually extremely skeptical but I reminded him that of all the things I have to do for our family, all he's had to do is squirt in a cup a few times, so he can certainly take a vitamin. That was all it took, oh a promise that if it had no effect he could stop. I THINK it had a MAJOR effect, don't you? (#1 -26m, #2-17m, #3-13m, #4-27m,#5-46 million)
Looking back there have been good things that I can remember through all of this. Like how after our IUI's when they have you sit there for 5 minutes we've used that time to pray over the procedure. Today I also felt the Spirit telling me to pray for the other couples that were in the waiting room. I'm always amazed at how many people are there for the early morning IUI's. Each one of us desperately hoping that this would be the month. So I prayed for all of us to receive our miracles. I don't know their names or their stories but I know exactly what they have been going through and how much we all need prayer during this time.
And I'm so grateful for our RE who is an old colleague of my father. It's actually comforting to have someone as your advocate who has a personal connection to you. When I have come back after each failed IUI he speaks to me as a father figure and shares in our disappointment with gentleness and reassurement for the future. He literally holds my hand and says, "Let's make this one be the one," with a softness in his eyes like I was one of his own. That's just awesome. I also appreciate his knowledge as he has been doing this for years (and could actually retire if he wanted too) He does not mess around and does all his IUI's with clomid/hcg to ensure perfect timing. There is no clomid/OPK's in this office. If he's going to put you on drugs he's going to use the best way possible to ensure the most perfect timing; no guessing games. That way if 3-4 of them do not work he moves onto the next step. He is in the business of making babies not money which is great because we don't have a ton of money but we would like a baby!
So now I'm sitting here resting and laying on my left side because lefty had the best looking follicle on Thursday. I'm pretty sure that's the one that took off because when I ovulate from righty I usually feel it due to the endometriosis that was on that ovary. I didn't feel anything this time around. Please pray for this month that it will be successful. God has already been good to us with lefty and high SA numbers we just hope that He will also bring this month to completion = conception.
On a side note I wanted to give a shoutout to my new bloggy friend osuraj who delurked. Thanks for commenting! I've also added you to my blog roll.
Even though National Delurking Week has come to an end I'd still love to hear from those who silently read this blog. I would love to get to know you, add you to my blog roll and share in this crazy infertility journey together.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
New Look, New Attitude
I'm onto three posts already, can you tell I've been home sick all day? Since my post last week I've been feeling much better emotionally. I feel like I've turned a corner. So to reflect that I've spruced up my blog page: new layout, new format etc. I also have been feeling encouraged by some of my fellow bloggers who have been successful. Yes I am genuinely happy for all of them! I've been praying a lot for direction this past week and have been feeling very positive that IVF may work for us. I just have to have patience to wait until April/May when we'll be able to start.
I'm much more in the Christmas spirit too. My hubby wouldn't let me be Scrooge this year and not put up a tree. So he dragged me with him last weekend to Home Depot to pick out a tree. Five hours later we had fully decorated the tree, house and put the lights up outside. (Uh, actually my hubby put the outdoor lights up in the freezing sleet/snow...but I made him hot cocoa!)
So to confirm my new attitude here is a list of ten things I'm thankful for this year as 2008 is coming to a close:
1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus - who takes me as I am, the good and the bad. Let's me be myself and heals my brokenness. Who has a perfect plan for us on this infertility journey if I'm willing to be patient and trust him.
2. My incredible hubby - who also loves me for who I am. Who has stood by my side, held my hand through each procedure, and kept me laughing during the many hard times. If infertility has done one thing good, it has made us stronger as a couple.
3. My irreplaceable family - my mom who constantly prays for our infertility. My dad who, although struggles with the fact that he cannot fix our infertility problems for his little girl, prays for us everyday.
4. My awesome dog - yes my dog! Because he is that awesome. He gives unconditional doggy love.
5. My confidants - those friends that I've shared this struggle with and who continually pray for us and know that sometimes hugs are better than any words.
6. My new bloggy friends - who've read my ups and downs for the last few months and have been an encouragement to me.
7. My RE - who has worked with us to provide personalized treatments, has not wasted our time with excessive procedures, and has been conservative with fertility drugs.
8. My Ob/Gyn - who found and cleared endometriosis relieving me from years of painful cycles.
9. My job - that pays for parts of infertility treatments such as doctor visits and drugs and a boss that works with my treatment schedules.
10. My husband's job - having both great paying jobs (mine and his) has allowed us to try several IUI's and will allow us to do at least two IVF cycles. And if our plan is for adoption we'll have the financial ability to go down that road as well.
I'm going to post this on my gadget board to help remind me to be positive. I'm also going to start a new motto for 2009: "Expect Miracles."
I know that my last few posts have been less than positive. All I can say is that after 2 1/2 years infertility gets to you and I had a few weeks of sadness. For the most part I've had a pretty positive attitude. I started blogging because I was beginning to be invaded by sadness but I think that the process itself of writing out what I've been feeling has been therapeutic. So thanks for sticking with me, hopefully you have.
I'm much more in the Christmas spirit too. My hubby wouldn't let me be Scrooge this year and not put up a tree. So he dragged me with him last weekend to Home Depot to pick out a tree. Five hours later we had fully decorated the tree, house and put the lights up outside. (Uh, actually my hubby put the outdoor lights up in the freezing sleet/snow...but I made him hot cocoa!)
So to confirm my new attitude here is a list of ten things I'm thankful for this year as 2008 is coming to a close:
1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus - who takes me as I am, the good and the bad. Let's me be myself and heals my brokenness. Who has a perfect plan for us on this infertility journey if I'm willing to be patient and trust him.
2. My incredible hubby - who also loves me for who I am. Who has stood by my side, held my hand through each procedure, and kept me laughing during the many hard times. If infertility has done one thing good, it has made us stronger as a couple.
3. My irreplaceable family - my mom who constantly prays for our infertility. My dad who, although struggles with the fact that he cannot fix our infertility problems for his little girl, prays for us everyday.
4. My awesome dog - yes my dog! Because he is that awesome. He gives unconditional doggy love.
5. My confidants - those friends that I've shared this struggle with and who continually pray for us and know that sometimes hugs are better than any words.
6. My new bloggy friends - who've read my ups and downs for the last few months and have been an encouragement to me.
7. My RE - who has worked with us to provide personalized treatments, has not wasted our time with excessive procedures, and has been conservative with fertility drugs.
8. My Ob/Gyn - who found and cleared endometriosis relieving me from years of painful cycles.
9. My job - that pays for parts of infertility treatments such as doctor visits and drugs and a boss that works with my treatment schedules.
10. My husband's job - having both great paying jobs (mine and his) has allowed us to try several IUI's and will allow us to do at least two IVF cycles. And if our plan is for adoption we'll have the financial ability to go down that road as well.
I'm going to post this on my gadget board to help remind me to be positive. I'm also going to start a new motto for 2009: "Expect Miracles."
I know that my last few posts have been less than positive. All I can say is that after 2 1/2 years infertility gets to you and I had a few weeks of sadness. For the most part I've had a pretty positive attitude. I started blogging because I was beginning to be invaded by sadness but I think that the process itself of writing out what I've been feeling has been therapeutic. So thanks for sticking with me, hopefully you have.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Egg Update
Well I'm back from my u/s to see how my egg stock is making out. Outcome:
eggs on the right - Total 2 (21 and 24)
eggs on the left - Total 0
Lining - 9
I'm about ready to take my left ovary out back and shoot it. Three times on clomid and all three it's playing hard to get. This does not make our outlook for IVF very good if I only have one ovary to work with = less crop for harvesting.
I was able to discuss the 'what if this doesn't work' plan with my RE. Because we are doing a clomid/IUI with this cycle ending in early December that only leaves us with about 7 weeks to work with before my travel schedule with work picks up in Feb. He didn't feel that was adequate and we'd run into trouble with our time line. So instead, IF this doesn't work this month, we'll do 1-2 more rounds of clomid/IUI until February. I'll drive around the state for work Feb-May and some time in April he thought we can start the prepping process for IVF, that way my body will be ready to go once my travel stops.
In some ways I'm disappointed. Disappointed that nothing looked any different from the u/s this time around than it did before my surgery, that we'll have to wait longer than I'd like to try IVF, which in turn pushes back the mental adoption time line I had started to create.
Crap! I did it again! I just realized I started another plan, another solo me-minus-God plan. Just now I realized that I'm disappointed because the new plan I'd been formulating didn't work out. This is really a sickness I have here. I mean I know I'm type A but jeez, I snuck this in even under my own nose. I guess it's good that I caught myself. I guess I got what I needed, another month where nothing looks any different so I'm back to depending on God to work it out for the best. Humbling, isn't.
Although one good thing did happen. My two eggs are big enough for us to do the hcg shot tonight and then the IUI is scheduled bright and early Saturday morning. That means I don't have to take off work on Monday or Tuesday as I had originally feared. Whew!
Our record thus far is 0-30 months. I sure could use some prayer this weekend for a successful cycle.
eggs on the right - Total 2 (21 and 24)
eggs on the left - Total 0
Lining - 9
I'm about ready to take my left ovary out back and shoot it. Three times on clomid and all three it's playing hard to get. This does not make our outlook for IVF very good if I only have one ovary to work with = less crop for harvesting.
I was able to discuss the 'what if this doesn't work' plan with my RE. Because we are doing a clomid/IUI with this cycle ending in early December that only leaves us with about 7 weeks to work with before my travel schedule with work picks up in Feb. He didn't feel that was adequate and we'd run into trouble with our time line. So instead, IF this doesn't work this month, we'll do 1-2 more rounds of clomid/IUI until February. I'll drive around the state for work Feb-May and some time in April he thought we can start the prepping process for IVF, that way my body will be ready to go once my travel stops.
In some ways I'm disappointed. Disappointed that nothing looked any different from the u/s this time around than it did before my surgery, that we'll have to wait longer than I'd like to try IVF, which in turn pushes back the mental adoption time line I had started to create.
Crap! I did it again! I just realized I started another plan, another solo me-minus-God plan. Just now I realized that I'm disappointed because the new plan I'd been formulating didn't work out. This is really a sickness I have here. I mean I know I'm type A but jeez, I snuck this in even under my own nose. I guess it's good that I caught myself. I guess I got what I needed, another month where nothing looks any different so I'm back to depending on God to work it out for the best. Humbling, isn't.
Although one good thing did happen. My two eggs are big enough for us to do the hcg shot tonight and then the IUI is scheduled bright and early Saturday morning. That means I don't have to take off work on Monday or Tuesday as I had originally feared. Whew!
Our record thus far is 0-30 months. I sure could use some prayer this weekend for a successful cycle.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Survival Status: Unscathed
I was dreading this Saturday because I had to attend a baby shower for one of my coworkers who is due in December. She's just a few months older than I am, only married a little over a year and got pregnant 'by accident' while training for a marathon. While I could go into details about how unfair that is I won't since it's not going to be any help to my clomid-induced mental status.
I worried that my day would end in sobbing tears after warding off side comments and jests about who they would be hosting the next baby shower for in the office. I being the next 'eligible candidate' because I'm the only married women of child-bearing age who has yet to produce spawn out of the 50 people in my department. I already know all eyes are expectantly on me and this was a prime moment for all present to ask their questions without being deemed nosey as we were all at a baby shower i.e. baby interrogations deemed appropriate for discussion.
I must have been protected by my higher power because, I kid you not, I did not have one question posed to me regarding my current baby-making status. And, I did not cry AT ALL yesterday. When I had just one small moment of weakness and my mind began to wander down the road of, "When will I have [insert whiny infertile comment]," I caught myself and gave a mental cry of, "Faith!," which effectively squelched the stinkn' thinkn' that would have inevitably followed.
What was even more encouraging came later that day. The hub and I went over to my parents house for dinner. My parents were cooking up a Clam Bake which is an excessive over-indulged annual event where we take a massive pot and toss in clams, chicken, potatoes, corn, and seasoning. Then we feast and transport home leftovers to make clam chowder etc. My brother, Aunt and Uncle joined in the fun. My mom pulled me aside during the evening to see how I was doing on the clomid and just in general. Life had been so busy for the two of us we hadn't talked all week until yesterday. I shared with her my updates and filled her in on what God had revealed to me from last weekend. As I talked about the verse in Isaiah and how it was connected to last Sunday's service I started quoting the verse to her. My mom's jaw dropped and she started saying it word for word with me. God had given that verse to her years ago when she was going through a difficult time. It was just a cool bonding connection to share with one another. It also confirmed that, in this world where Satan desires to make us feel alienated and alone to push us into despair, God breaks through and builds connections, to shed hope and light and let us know that we do not carry our burdens alone.
I worried that my day would end in sobbing tears after warding off side comments and jests about who they would be hosting the next baby shower for in the office. I being the next 'eligible candidate' because I'm the only married women of child-bearing age who has yet to produce spawn out of the 50 people in my department. I already know all eyes are expectantly on me and this was a prime moment for all present to ask their questions without being deemed nosey as we were all at a baby shower i.e. baby interrogations deemed appropriate for discussion.
I must have been protected by my higher power because, I kid you not, I did not have one question posed to me regarding my current baby-making status. And, I did not cry AT ALL yesterday. When I had just one small moment of weakness and my mind began to wander down the road of, "When will I have [insert whiny infertile comment]," I caught myself and gave a mental cry of, "Faith!," which effectively squelched the stinkn' thinkn' that would have inevitably followed.
What was even more encouraging came later that day. The hub and I went over to my parents house for dinner. My parents were cooking up a Clam Bake which is an excessive over-indulged annual event where we take a massive pot and toss in clams, chicken, potatoes, corn, and seasoning. Then we feast and transport home leftovers to make clam chowder etc. My brother, Aunt and Uncle joined in the fun. My mom pulled me aside during the evening to see how I was doing on the clomid and just in general. Life had been so busy for the two of us we hadn't talked all week until yesterday. I shared with her my updates and filled her in on what God had revealed to me from last weekend. As I talked about the verse in Isaiah and how it was connected to last Sunday's service I started quoting the verse to her. My mom's jaw dropped and she started saying it word for word with me. God had given that verse to her years ago when she was going through a difficult time. It was just a cool bonding connection to share with one another. It also confirmed that, in this world where Satan desires to make us feel alienated and alone to push us into despair, God breaks through and builds connections, to shed hope and light and let us know that we do not carry our burdens alone.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Profound...
After my post regarding AF's unexpected arrival I showered and headed off to church. Now I love our church. Ever since we started going there I've just been so impressed by the teachings. I feel like Jesus is standing up there on the stage half of the time and saying, "Hey listen to this! I wrote this just for you to hear." So consequently I'm moved to almost tears during about 90% of the services over the past year. This is very strange for me as I grew up a Baptist which is traditionally a very conservative denomination. We don't clap to songs (or even after a special music piece!), we don't raise our hands to worship music and the most rousing thing is when the older men in the back make a quick, "Amen." Since college, my husband and I have been attending non-denominational Churches which have a live band playing worship music, people clap, some raise hands, and you even get "hallelujahs" popping up every now and then. As you may suspect this has taken me some time to get used to and I'm much more comfortable now. But still, to be driven to tears almost every service is weirding me out a bit. I just don't "get emotional" in front of strangers.
The reason is because I swear each message has been specifically relating to our struggles with infertility. Every service I walk in with my heavy heart, I hear a message that hits directly where I'm at (even down to the words I have been praying), I cry, and then I leave with strength to keep going in this journey. For example, I had been praying about really laying down this trial and giving it up to God. And what should happen that week but a message about laying down our burdens on God's alter. We got to physically write down our burdens, take them up to the stage and place them into a mini alter. The elders later burned them in a bonfire to symbolize how the Jewish priests would sacrifice burdens and sins up to God. It was another tear filled service for me as I wrote down our struggle with infertility and my husband and I took it up to the alter. And I have to say it's really helped me.
So this Sunday was no different. Today was about the purpose of God and how He uses all things to bring about His plan for His glory in each one of us. During the service our worship band sang a special song to drive in the message in between our Pastor's talk. The chorus went like this:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
Now prior this week I had posted about the following verse that He had given me:
Isaiah 30:19-22 "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
I had to fight to not cry during that song. Not to mention the whole rest of the service. I felt like the second part of the verse was being answered for me, "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
God is using our infertility for a greater purpose. I've known that deep in my heart but this Sunday really reassured me it was true. I need to focus on this as we continue on this journey. I don't know what the greater purpose is but if God has a plan then I need to trust in it. So how do I deal with those moments of doubt that come much more frequently than I'd like? I'm reminded of the verse in Matthew 17:20 "...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, `Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." I'm going to cling to this verse. Every time I heard that small voice saying, "I'll never know what it feels like to be pregnant," "Why can't we be blessed with a baby?," or "When will it be our turn?" I need to remind myself of this verse and counter those thoughts. My faith in God's plan and purpose for our lives will one day move the mountain of infertility.
I'm waiting, some what impatiently, for our church to post the audio and manuscript of the service on line as I'd love to update this post with more details on the service.
Video of the worship song:
The reason is because I swear each message has been specifically relating to our struggles with infertility. Every service I walk in with my heavy heart, I hear a message that hits directly where I'm at (even down to the words I have been praying), I cry, and then I leave with strength to keep going in this journey. For example, I had been praying about really laying down this trial and giving it up to God. And what should happen that week but a message about laying down our burdens on God's alter. We got to physically write down our burdens, take them up to the stage and place them into a mini alter. The elders later burned them in a bonfire to symbolize how the Jewish priests would sacrifice burdens and sins up to God. It was another tear filled service for me as I wrote down our struggle with infertility and my husband and I took it up to the alter. And I have to say it's really helped me.
So this Sunday was no different. Today was about the purpose of God and how He uses all things to bring about His plan for His glory in each one of us. During the service our worship band sang a special song to drive in the message in between our Pastor's talk. The chorus went like this:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
Now prior this week I had posted about the following verse that He had given me:
Isaiah 30:19-22 "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
I had to fight to not cry during that song. Not to mention the whole rest of the service. I felt like the second part of the verse was being answered for me, "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
God is using our infertility for a greater purpose. I've known that deep in my heart but this Sunday really reassured me it was true. I need to focus on this as we continue on this journey. I don't know what the greater purpose is but if God has a plan then I need to trust in it. So how do I deal with those moments of doubt that come much more frequently than I'd like? I'm reminded of the verse in Matthew 17:20 "...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, `Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." I'm going to cling to this verse. Every time I heard that small voice saying, "I'll never know what it feels like to be pregnant," "Why can't we be blessed with a baby?," or "When will it be our turn?" I need to remind myself of this verse and counter those thoughts. My faith in God's plan and purpose for our lives will one day move the mountain of infertility.
I'm waiting, some what impatiently, for our church to post the audio and manuscript of the service on line as I'd love to update this post with more details on the service.
Video of the worship song:
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Trick or Treat?
So we had beggars night in our neighborhood that ended just a few hours ago. We live in a 'young' neighborhood with young couples that have lots of babies. Almost everyone toted around their babies in all the cute little costumes they have now like pea pods, cows and teddy bears. I had the unfortunate situation of being alone tonight passing out candy and having to deal with the emotions that after 2 1/2 years I still do not get to dress up our child in an over-priced-only-wear-it-once-Halloween-costume. It sucked. And when it was over with I cried. Pathetic.
So I wandered up into our loft and pulled out my old bible. I have several; one I keep for more in depth studies, one that outlines prophecy, one in the common vernacular, etc. But I pulled out the bible my parents got for me when I was a teenager. It was like opening up an old friend with all the markings, notations and underlinings done from past trials. I sat there praying for some direction or hope. As I was wiping away my tears I opened it up and the following verse caught my attention:
"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!" Isaiah 30 19-22
You have my attention now, I'm listening...
So I wandered up into our loft and pulled out my old bible. I have several; one I keep for more in depth studies, one that outlines prophecy, one in the common vernacular, etc. But I pulled out the bible my parents got for me when I was a teenager. It was like opening up an old friend with all the markings, notations and underlinings done from past trials. I sat there praying for some direction or hope. As I was wiping away my tears I opened it up and the following verse caught my attention:
"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!" Isaiah 30 19-22
You have my attention now, I'm listening...
Monday, October 13, 2008
P.S.
We'll be on vacation when I 'O' so hopefully God will look down upon us and bless us. If you read this and are the praying type, could you pray for us? Friday(17) - Sunday(20). We'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
Convicted
Ok so I've been blog surfing and I came across a blog where a Christian couple, actively dealing with infertility, was also strongly relying on prayer. And for some reason this annoyed me. Why? Why would this bother me? I felt *yuch* about it because it was so, so, well, Christiany. Sounds horrible to say but it's true. And I mean no offense to the couple because really they are in the right. Maybe we've just been doing this for too long i.e., this infertility thing. I've struggled with some bitterness but over all I haven't become angry with God. But I have had trouble talking to Him about things. Maybe because I'm afraid that if I prayed and didn't receive that I would become bitter towards Him. That sounds even stupider to say but I'm saying it. This blog thing is free therapy so let's just put it all out on the table.
So basically I'm saying that maybe we should be doing the Christiany thing that makes me go *yuch* and really pray about it. You see my warning light is going off right now. It's that realization that the only thing that would be discouraging me from talking to God would be the one person who wouldn't want me to do it, "could it be, SATAN?" (read with a SNL Church lady voice.) Most likely yes.
So thank you infertile christian blogger for convicting me. I'm sorry I said your blog made me feel *yuch* but it wasn't you, it was me. You actually helped me out just by blogging and being true to who you are in Christ. Go you.
So basically I'm saying that maybe we should be doing the Christiany thing that makes me go *yuch* and really pray about it. You see my warning light is going off right now. It's that realization that the only thing that would be discouraging me from talking to God would be the one person who wouldn't want me to do it, "could it be, SATAN?" (read with a SNL Church lady voice.) Most likely yes.
So thank you infertile christian blogger for convicting me. I'm sorry I said your blog made me feel *yuch* but it wasn't you, it was me. You actually helped me out just by blogging and being true to who you are in Christ. Go you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)