Tuesday, December 30, 2008


So what does it mean when your blog traffic tracker shows someone found your blog searching for "monologue of an evil woman boss" Thoughts?

I clicked on the phrase and google showed that mine is the 2nd top hit for this phrase!

1. Short monologues for women
2. Inner Monologue of an Average (Infertile) Woman
3. Monologues: S
4. The Five Most Powerful Pre-Murder Monologues In Film...
5. Villainous Company: Best Movie Monologues



Well the ticker is back up. AF finally showed up and after 4 days of being late with negative tests, I was actually happy to see her. As I said in my previous post I'm really feeling fine with this month not being successful. I'm happy to be able to start our fifth and final IUI (4th clomid/hcg) regardless of the outcome.

Sooo... I start clomid this Thursday and have my u/s egg check next Thursday. So we'll be praying for another miracle and if not we'll start IVF in March.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Philippians 4

Well you may have noticed that my cycle ticker is down but I'm not implying anything at this point. I'm 2 days late and still testing negative but strangely enough I'm completely at peace with whatever happens.

God showed me something. I've realized that since we had begun trying to conceive I've thought that every failed cycle has taken me farther and farther away from our dream of having a child of our own. But that is if I am putting my hope in biology and physiology i.e. my own human body and what it's capable of doing. In reality every cycle that goes by is actually taking us closer to the completion of God's plan for us. How exciting to think this way! Not that the road will be any easier but we are getting closer to something amazing and not the other way around. That lie that I had been believing was completely emotionally devastating to my mental state which is a huge red warning light that it is not from God. Just this simple change in thinking has been an incredible boost to my level of hope. That is because I'm trusting more in God than in myself. In our humanness we put so much on OUR PART in our relationship with God and what we THINK we have to be doing to get what we want, hear from God, find Him in our trial etc. We spend so much of our time thinking that WE have to REACH out to God and find Him but the reality is that He came DOWN to us and He is waiting for us to realize that He has been right beside us the entire time.

I have marveled at this unexplainable peace I've had since coming to this realization; the kind of peace that only comes from God. At church He solidified to me that He is the giver of this peace.

Our sermon was on Philippians 4:6-9

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Our pastor spoke of this peace as a solider over our hearts, protecting us from the lies that threaten to invade and take away our peace and trust in God. And if we focus our thoughts on truth instead of lies we will continue to feel the peace of God. So this is what I've been doing this month and I know that whatever the outcome, God is with us.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Bloggy World!

I just wanted to send my Christmas Greetings and wishes for a wonderful holiday and a happy new year to you all. You cannot imagine how thankful I am for all the wonderful godly women I have met since starting to blog. I have been challenged, inspired, encouraged and supported by so many of you and my heart is so very grateful.

You have not been afraid to share you hopes and fears, your ups and downs, your struggles and your successes. Thank you for being real in your Christian faith. If we all just sat around and wrote about happy stuff and never acknowledged those moments of doubt and weakness or be open and honest then it would all be for nothing. And worse, it would leave many of us feeling alone and thinking that there is something wrong within us. But that is not the case and I just wanted to let you all know that to encourage you all to continue sharing your hearts!

I also wanted to give a few shout outs:

Bouncing Baby Buckeye: You were my first bloggy friend! Thank you for welcoming me into this strange new world. I wish you all the best with your new pregnancy!

Let's Make a Baby, How Hard Could It Be?: Thank you for encouraging me in my darkest times in this journey. You did not turn away and see me as another whiny infertile but someone being open with my struggles and encouraged me to keep pushing in my faith.

God's Faithfulness Through Infertility: All I have to say is, wow. Your steadfastness through infertility is awesome. It has challenged me many times, thank you.

Missed Conceptions: While I just found your blog not to long ago I could not stop reading. Your openness and your literary zeal for seeking out truth in God's word spoke to my heart and has helped so much. Congratulations on your Christmas miracle!

I could go on but these are just a few. Thank you all and I wish you a wonderful Christmas!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Awaiting Redemption

Man, it's been a busy week! I've had to play so much catch up at work and then the poo hit the fan on one of our projects. So I've been very delayed in posting.

During my week I've been "reading" The Shack via my iPod. I've really enjoyed it and while there are few things in the theology presented that I'm not totally in agreement about, it has brought about a lot of Aha! moments for me.

One thing that I had not realized I'd been doing was wanting God to justify why this trial of infertility was placed in our lives. By wanting that I was unknowingly making the statement that I believed God was the cause of our infertility. But if you study the word "barren," Missed Conceptions did an awesome job of it, there are very few times where God is the one who closed up the womb. Nine times out of ten God did not cause barrenness nor do I believe He has chosen to cause my barrenness. Barrenness is the cause of sin. When Adam and Eve choose to eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil they began a chain reaction. Our human bodies were never meant to die, to suffer things like cancer or infertility.

So therefore, since God has not come to justify His actions but to redeem and just has He has come to redeem our souls, He will also redeem us from our trials. God will redeem me from my infertility in one way or another because He works all things for the good of those who love Him. While God has the power to eliminate sin, pain and suffering the result would mean that we would not exist. It would mean that we would have never been created at all since sin began with Adam and Eve. Because God LOVES us too much to have never created us, this is not an option for Him. Instead He created us in His image and allows us free will to choose to love Him in return. God has chosen not to eliminate sin and suffering but instead to redeem it through His son Jesus. Jesus was born as a man to be the ultimate sacrifice for all the sins of the world, past, present and future; and to allow us to come into a relationship with Him and His Father. Without Christ's sacrifice and act of redemption we would all be lost and you and I would have no hope. But we HAVE hope!!!

God sees what sin has done to our frail human bodies and for many of us that is infertility. God is greater than sin and evil and He will overcome it. He will bring redemption. It may be that he will create life where there was no life, He may bless physicians with the knowledge to help those who are infertile, He may place on a woman's heart to be a surrogate birth mother for another couple, or He may touch family with the blessing of adoption. Either way He will redeem us; He will redeem me.

This Christmas season we celebrate the birth of Christ, our redeemer. Blessed be His name, Jesus.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"
Romans 8:32

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sweet Christmas Treat

Oh and I have to share my new favorite Christmas candy. They are Candy Cane Tootsie Pops! All the greatness of candy cane peppermint wrapped around a chocolate tootsie center. Could there BE anything better. I found them at Target *love that place* so if you need a good excuse to go to Target (I'm always looking for one) these are well worth it.

A (+) Friday

While I'm still home sick it apparently didn't stop my body from Oing! And another positive is that my hubby is home too. He's not sick, he just has tons of vacation that he needs to use up before the end of the year.

So I POAS (OPK) this a.m. to see where my body was at and got a (+) right away. Yesterday I had used a Clearblue easy OPK which came up negative but I had a feeling I might be starting to O (bbs hurt etc.) This a.m. I used a CVS generic. Sometimes I think those digitals aren't as accurate. I kind of prefer to deal with reading the lines. I'm hoping that didn't mean we were too late but my symptoms are stronger this afternoon. So we've timed things as well as we could and have prayed over this month. And we'll continue to pray for a miracle this Christmas!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

New Look, New Attitude

I'm onto three posts already, can you tell I've been home sick all day? Since my post last week I've been feeling much better emotionally. I feel like I've turned a corner. So to reflect that I've spruced up my blog page: new layout, new format etc. I also have been feeling encouraged by some of my fellow bloggers who have been successful. Yes I am genuinely happy for all of them! I've been praying a lot for direction this past week and have been feeling very positive that IVF may work for us. I just have to have patience to wait until April/May when we'll be able to start.

I'm much more in the Christmas spirit too. My hubby wouldn't let me be Scrooge this year and not put up a tree. So he dragged me with him last weekend to Home Depot to pick out a tree. Five hours later we had fully decorated the tree, house and put the lights up outside. (Uh, actually my hubby put the outdoor lights up in the freezing sleet/snow...but I made him hot cocoa!)

So to confirm my new attitude here is a list of ten things I'm thankful for this year as 2008 is coming to a close:

1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus - who takes me as I am, the good and the bad. Let's me be myself and heals my brokenness. Who has a perfect plan for us on this infertility journey if I'm willing to be patient and trust him.

2. My incredible hubby - who also loves me for who I am. Who has stood by my side, held my hand through each procedure, and kept me laughing during the many hard times. If infertility has done one thing good, it has made us stronger as a couple.

3. My irreplaceable family - my mom who constantly prays for our infertility. My dad who, although struggles with the fact that he cannot fix our infertility problems for his little girl, prays for us everyday.

4. My awesome dog - yes my dog! Because he is that awesome. He gives unconditional doggy love.

5. My confidants - those friends that I've shared this struggle with and who continually pray for us and know that sometimes hugs are better than any words.

6. My new bloggy friends - who've read my ups and downs for the last few months and have been an encouragement to me.

7. My RE - who has worked with us to provide personalized treatments, has not wasted our time with excessive procedures, and has been conservative with fertility drugs.

8. My Ob/Gyn - who found and cleared endometriosis relieving me from years of painful cycles.

9. My job - that pays for parts of infertility treatments such as doctor visits and drugs and a boss that works with my treatment schedules.

10. My husband's job - having both great paying jobs (mine and his) has allowed us to try several IUI's and will allow us to do at least two IVF cycles. And if our plan is for adoption we'll have the financial ability to go down that road as well.

I'm going to post this on my gadget board to help remind me to be positive. I'm also going to start a new motto for 2009: "Expect Miracles."

I know that my last few posts have been less than positive. All I can say is that after 2 1/2 years infertility gets to you and I had a few weeks of sadness. For the most part I've had a pretty positive attitude. I started blogging because I was beginning to be invaded by sadness but I think that the process itself of writing out what I've been feeling has been therapeutic. So thanks for sticking with me, hopefully you have.


So I had been trying to get registered for the Yoga for Fertility class with much difficulty. I just got off the phone with the studio and there was a scheduling conflict so they won't be having it. They did put me on a list to get a phone call when they reschedule it. I just hope I can go. I was really looking forward to it. Bummer!

Fresh Look

Well I'm home sick from work today so I've been playing around with new layouts. I thought this one looked pretty and calming. Let me know what you all think.

I spent the last three days in a clinic with sick kids so I shouldn't be surprised that last night I started to not feel good. I went to bed at 8 pm but woke only to find that I was feeling worse. My throat kills, muscle aches, congestion etc. I had to take the company car back into work because another coworker is taking it out today so I had to go in. I had originally arranged for my supervisor to drop me off at home but I don't want to pass along what I've got since it's in the early stages. So I gave my mom a call at 8 am and wouldn't you know she was passing through downtown at that very moment. So a hitched a ride with her and now I'm on the couch, laptop in tow and puppy passed out on my lap.

I hope this won't throw off my ovulation. The most I'm going to do this month is POAS to make sure we time ovulation but otherwise I'm taking off December. Speaking of which I think it's time to check...

....Ahhh, that's better. Results: No "O." Nope, not today. That might actually be a good thing though, maybe it will let me recover from whatever I've contracted.

Back to the scene of the cold crime:
My trip took me to a WIC clinic where I got to see tons of babies. Somehow I managed to make it through without seeing a prominently pregnant women. All the ones I saw were too early or too chubby (sorry!) to tell they were even expecting. That was some spiritual protection. There were several great families that I got to meet. And it was absolutely precious to watch a dad hold his sleeping daughter so lovingly. One family stood out to me though. This poor women, just 29 years old, was taking care of her younger sister's three kids from age 3 months to 4 years in addition to her own 4 year old daughter. The mother was placed in a drug rehab program so her sister was given temporary custody. The 3 month old showed signs of interuterine drug exposure i.e. not wanting to be held, inconsolable, shaking. The saddest part was that, according to her sister, the mom only ever asked about the oldest child. She would not acknowledge her newborn or second youngest child. In fact the sister has had guardianship of the middle child for the past year because he was being neglected. The middle child was so confused he was calling his Aunt "Mom" and cried every time he saw his real mom because he didn't know who she was. It was so heartbreaking.

I have to admit for a moment I struggled. Who wouldn't seeing the faces of those children. But I forced myself to focus on our path. I turned my thoughts to what our future was; success with IVF or adoption (or maybe both). I tried to think about if we adopted a little baby it might save them from a sad story such as the family I saw. Or maybe we were meant to go through IVF to have twins. I'm so impatient to know what our plan is and maybe that's my problem that I need to work on. Patience.

Friday, December 5, 2008

In the White Spaces

So I've been going through some inner spiritual turmoil. I was challenged by a fellow blogger's steadfastness in her constant positive and prayerful mindset towards her infertility. The challenge was because I don't always feel that positive and it made me feel a bit like a spiritual failure. Just to clarify I mean no offense to the blogger, I am envious of her constant positive outlook. I wish I could have one tenth of it. Instead I find myself on a rollercoster of emotions. One day I'm coping just fine with being infertile and trusting God's plan, then the next I'm completely devastated, feeling hopeless and forsaken. It could be all the drugs but more than likely it's the emotional toll that this is taking on me. And I finally hit my limit on Wednesday and let Him know about it. And then I regretted it because I felt like I failed in my faith.

I was mad because I felt like my hubby and I had done nothing to deserve this trial and that he had forsaken us. Somehow he had decided to deal bitterly with us while allow those who don't even acknowledge his existence be blessed with children. We have been faithful to him but what about our promise? "To the faithless He will remain faithful for He cannot forsake His own" Even in our darkest times He is supposed to stick by us? So why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like He has been so silent? And so I cried out. "I'm right here! Have you forgotten about me? While you've spent your time blessing less faithful people with babies; I'm still here, barren." What a selfish, faithless moment.

But then, I'm not the first. King David, said to be 'a man after God's own heart,' spoke similar words of frustration and exasperation. I was reminded of this when listening to a sermon I happened to miss two weeks ago while being out of town. Now if I had listened to this two weeks ago it would have been a great message but the timing of hearing this while in my current state was a blessing. Our pastor spoke on how to worship when you were not feeling 'worshipful.' He was trying to write a sermon about how to worship in the spirit but was challenged by his associate pastor who, when reviewing his sermon asked, "What do you do when you don't feel that way?" This bothered him for several days and finally he began to feel convicted. Maybe there was more to worship than just singing and raising of hands and while He wants us to do those things what He desires more is our heart.

Mark 7:6 He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 7 They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men."

He desires that emotion response by us, that we feel emotion for him and show it. So how do we revive a broken heart? My pastor's response was, "For one thing, we don’t deny it. We don’t deny or ignore our emotions." Because our God IS an EMOTIONAL God.

"The God of the Bible is not the silent, stoic type. He’s not like these statues of Buddha, sitting there, legs crossed, eyes closed, unmoved, unaffected by all that is going on around him. That’s not the Father God. That’s not the Great I Am, Creator,Maker,Savior,Redeemer. My God feels. He grieves and laughs, knows joy and sorrow, anger and disappointment, compassion and wrath, jealousy and passion. He has emotions and He’s given them to you!"
The question is do we trust our emotions? Because some emotions are tied to sin. But emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are.

"You were created in the image of God, which means you were created as an emotional being. Sure, that image has been distorted and twisted because of sin, but it’s still part of you. So know yourself. Know what you are feeling, or what you’re not feeling. Know what’s blocking any sense of remorse or regret, joy or compassion, as well as what’s causing such sadness and anger, discontentment or elation. If you’re going to ensure that there’s not a disconnect between the words from your lips and the emotions in your heart, ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." you have to know what you are feeling and you have to say what that is. God wants all of your heart. Not just the happy joyful part or the submissive, surrendered part. He wants the struggling, angry, lustful part as well. He wants all of you. When you give Him all your heart, that honors him. That’s true worship."

The example he gave is when a person shares with you their struggles, when they open up and reveal the dark places, the hidden secrets. It evokes a level of trust. It says, "I trust you with the knowledge of the depths of my heart; good or bad. I trust that no matter what I tell you, you will love me regardless. You will be faithful, tender and understanding." On the flip side what does it say if a person isn't open with you or puts on a facade.

"Worship, honoring God, genuinely declaring that He is good, might be most powerfully expressed when you aren’t feeling it and yet still come to Him."

And this is what we see in the Psalms. You can read 47 verses where David is depressed, in the depth of despair, feeling forgotten by God and then suddenly in verse 48 he's praising, thanking, rejoicing and celebrating. What happened? What changed?

One of our pastors calls it "God in the white spaces"

"In that little gap between verse 47 and verse 48—between 2am and 4am— between last Tuesday and today—God comes and He takes my heart and begins to renew it and restore it, heal it and fill it. It all happens—it can only happen if I give all my heart. That’s the worship He wants. That’s the worship we need."

And so that is where I find myself, in the white spaces. I came and poured out all the ugliness of my soul; my brokenness from this long road of infertility. And so now I wait for the healing and it has begun to come. Instead of rending my garments, I am rending my heart. God has shown me my heart, the pain that has been hiding deep inside and I'm returning it to Him to heal it, forgive it and cleanse it. This is what is supposed to happen in the white spaces, God revives and enables you to feel His joy, His peace, His comfort, and His love. It's a process but I'm getting there. I may never be the steadfast positive Christian who never falters in their faith, but I will be the one that keeps coming back to Him.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Yoga for Fertility Class

I'm going to give this class a try. If anyone out there lives in the 614/740 area code and is interested here is the info. It was really hard to track down but this is offered through a local hospital who partnered with a well known yoga studio in town. Since I had so much trouble finding it I thought I'd post it.

Yoga for Fertility
NEW! - Yoga practices, including deep relaxation, active and restorative poses, breathing practices and meditation, can reduce stress and physical and emotional tensions. This helps balance hormone levels, increase muscle tone and circulation to internal organs and open subtle energetic channels. No previous yoga experience required.
Offered in partnership with Yoga on High.

To register call (614) 291-4444
Marcia Miller, registered yoga teacher
When: Saturday, Feb. 21; 1 to 4 p.m.
Where: Elizabeth Blackwell Center
Cost: $50

My boss is really into yoga for strength and toning reasons and got me interested. I haven't being doing it for well over a year now because I've just been too busy. I'm thinking it may help with all the stress I'm under both with work and with our IF. I'm not a 'meditation' type person, it's too new-agy for me. I did yoga for flexibility, balance, and stress as a purely physical activity. I was challenged by a pastor from my college ministry who did yoga but took bible versus to mediate on during the 'new-agy' parts. Once I started practicing yoga and doing the bible meditation it really was great. I was less stressed and felt healthier, so why did I stop? Oh yeah, too busy, any-whoo. So I'm excited to finally have a free weekend to take this class.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What A Tease!

So Thanksgiving came and went without a visit by Aunt Flow. She didn't call to let me know she'd be late so we all got excited that maybe she would skip the holidays this year. Oh how we all were fooled. She arrived fashionably late early Sunday morning. The only benefit is that she stayed for only two days, yes I said two days. That's the one benefit of clomid, it scares dear Flow off early.

So when I talked to the nurse about scheduling our fifth and final IUI, ROADBLOCK! Apparently the only day I can do the u/s is the 10th but I'm out of town for work that day. I have no way around it. They can't schedule it for any other day because I make massive eggs by cycle day 11 and letting me go one more day may mean I'd ovulate on my own. Then we'd miss out on the benefit of timing an hcg mediated cycle. So we're out this month as far as fertility treatments go. It's up to nature (and miracles).

For some reason this has really made me feel down. Its just one more thing where my job is making our treatments practically impossible. Not to mention the "so called" plan has taken another turn. I wanted to have this all behind me by the new year. I'm starting to loose steam i.e. the energy to keep going on this journey. Its even affecting the Christmas season. Normally I LOVE Christmas, in my opinion its the best holiday ever. But I have no desire to put up any decorations, get a tree or put up lights. How sad is that? This is the first year that I can remember when I didn't have my entire house decorated before the end of November. Hopefully I'll turn around here soon, until then I'm going to head off to bed early. (Maybe I can just hibernate for the next few months.)