A Long Shot

That's what we knew this IUI was, a long shot.  So today we were not overly surprised that the HPT was negative.  We're both at peace with our decision to convert IVF#3 to IUI and are hopeful to give IVF#4 one last final try.  Thank you all for your prayers and support!

7dp IUI and a Giveaway

Today marks the half way point of our IUI converted IVF cycle; although, thanks to the HCG booster I can’t test for 10 days which would be 17dp IUI – Bummer. But! I don’t have to take any more shots which is awesome. Then again, I also can’t tell you if I’m having any symptoms because I still have trigger-boob-soreness, etc. I can definitely tell that my progesterone is elevated as I’ve had severe indigestion for the last 5 days making eating or sleeping impossible. That was identical to the last two IVF cycles. And you know what else nobody tells you? (TMI Warning) When you ovulate a crap-load of eggs and have multiple corpus lutems pumping out the progesterone you get major constipation. I thought that was just a weird side effect of PIO but no, it’s progesterone in general. I have been having cramping on and off yesterday and today. While it could be implantation it could also be the progesterone causing my ute to cramp (or gas pains! yelch).

Basically, I know nothing right now as far as what may or may not be going on down there. And my hope level is dependent upon how I maybe feeling at that particular hour. I do have moments where I think, “Nah, it couldn’t happen like this. I would be too easy! And after four years of infertility, people like us don’t get it easy.” But oh how nice easy would be!

Ok now onto the Give Away!

I received, Waiting for Daisy, from Hillary at Making Me Mom and while I read it right away I lapsed on getting out a giveaway post. (What can I say, I had a crappy 2009 = 2 deaths, 1 near death & a miscarriage).

It’s a nice, easy read about a real life couple dealing with infertility and eventually having a child. While I enjoyed the book and the hope that eventually our family will be complete even if it’s a long painful journey I wasn’t a fan about her mildly preachy ending. In summary she basically said that women get too worked up about not getting pregnant right away and run off to a RE, drop all sorts of money on procedures and tests when eventually they would have gotten pregnant on their own. Being a person who has dealt with infertility for several years and can safely say that we need help, that message kind of deflated the book for me. I worry that this message is what non-infertile people will take away from the book. But then, why on earth would a non-infertile want to read this? Basically, I wouldn’t recommend it to any of my non-infertile friends to help give them some perspective. But for infertiles it’s nice to know that someone who walked in our shoes has published a book about their struggles.

So on to the rules for the give way:

1. Leave a comment on this post*

2. Read the book

3. Have a giveaway at your blog to keep the book circulating

Now that wasn’t so hard was it? I’ll take entries up until my HPT day (July 16th) and then use Random.org to pick the winner. I’ll contact you to get your mailing address so you can receive your prize.

*If you want to leave a comment but not be entered in the drawing just let me know in your comment.

Two Cranky Ladies

Well we had our IUI yesterday and everything went really well. Mr. Hammer supplied some excellent numbers and quality as far as the troops were concerned. I actually felt myself ovulate from both sides around 1:00pm that afternoon, OUCH! So I think the timing was good. Unfortunately my girls are making me pay for shooting off way more follicles than occurs naturally. I feel like I’ve been bruised from the inside. I think they are cranky and telling me all about it.  I’m sure I’ll feel better in a day or so and from what I can remember it’s better than the retrieval (of course I was also on some really good drugs for that procedure).


We decided just to take the whole day off together. After everything this month we both felt we needed a mental health day. (And after feeling the eggs launch it was a good decision too!) I started thinking about my past IUI”s with clomid plus hcg trigger shots. I remember feeling ovulation pains around 10am the day after the trigger and thinking, “should I be ovulating already?” And then the next day when we did the IUI, I wouldn’t have any ovulation pain. When I did my first IVF I was panicked that I was ovulating the day before retrieval just as before but surprised to learn that they were all still in place the next morning. When I asked about this the RE on call said that lupron helps keep them in place longer. I know what I’ve read says you will ovulate as early as ~24 hours after the trigger without suppression but I’m just suspicious that my body had a mind of its own. Of course it’s all speculation and Hammer’s thought is that even if it was on time his boy’s would have been too genetically retarded for it to work. I hope that with a ton of eggs and vitaminized sperm that we can make it work this time. It’s hard not to have a little hope!

P.S. If we had gone through with the retrieval we would be 1 day post and getting our first fertilization report. Let’s hope there is some fert-magic going on in my tummy today!

Just Killing Time

So my ticker says I have five days till 'testing' and they will be longest days ever. Well maybe not ever but I'm sure they'll drag. I've already tested twice (9 DPO and today 10DPO) and they have both been negative. I know it's really early but I have some cheap online tests that were out dated last month and I want to get rid of them. Hammer about gave me a heart attack this morning because I did the test and then hopped in the shower before it was ready to be read. He came in the bathroom and I asked him, "One line or two?" He replied one but then followed it up with a, "but there is this faint line on here, does that mean anything?" He had totally read it wrong. Ugh.

I hate to say it but my hopes have really been up for this cycle. I had cramping on day 6 and 7. Now my bbs are KILLING ME! Seriously, walking is painful and I wear a size 34A - there's not much to jiggle. Plus I have been starving and that may or may not be a symptom but right now get out of my way when I need a snack or you may be my snack. So if anything I think I have enough progesterone. I have yet, though, to hear back from my doctor on my blood work from the 19th. I'm getting a bit anxious to know exactly where my progesterone is at. I can't lie that I'll be sad if this month doesn't work. Part of it will be because it means IVF is next. I just wish the effects of progesterone were not so misleading. I know it has an important role in a successful pregnancy but when it gives you false symptoms it's just dumb.

So I'm going to find a distraction and practice my new knitting skills. I'm not sure what I'm making for my first project, right now it looks like an over sized dishtowel. But my knitting goal is to make baby booties as a way to keep my TTC goal in mind so that even if we have to do IVF it will be something to occupy me during the process. But before I start that, right now I need another snack...

Starting Over

So I've been thinking that since this last IUI we finally had normal SA numbers it's kind of like starting over again. As if this was month #1 of the first time we've TTC. Now it certainly does not help erase the years of actually TTC but it does help to put things into perspective. If this month doesn't work it's like not getting a BFP the first time ever trying, not unusual. Does that mean we should stop IF treatments because of one good SA result, no. There is more than just a sperm issue for us. I have endometriosis which affects egg quality and we still don't know if Hammer's sperm can penetrate my eggs. This issue is not unusual with people who have endometriosis. Endometriosis can also affect implantation so IVF would bypass part of that issue.

Basically, we're still on the same track but I think that this journey has brought us to a place where we may have gotten our bodies into the best 'shape' possible for IVF. I had the endometriosis removed and we've figured out how to improve our SA numbers. It's a long journey to get here with a lot of bumps in the road but all of them have had a purpose.

And now we wait...

Well today at 9 am we had our final IUI. I have to say I was extremely happy, positive and relaxed even before going in. But to make it even better we had the absolute BEST SA results over the past 2yrs 8mo, 46 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is DOUBLE every past wash we've ever had! Hammer (what I'm going to call my hub from here on out, long story why for another day - but I am also going to change my ID to Mrs. Hammer) had started taking Fertil-aid which is a high potency vitamin for male infertility. He was actually extremely skeptical but I reminded him that of all the things I have to do for our family, all he's had to do is squirt in a cup a few times, so he can certainly take a vitamin. That was all it took, oh a promise that if it had no effect he could stop. I THINK it had a MAJOR effect, don't you? (#1 -26m, #2-17m, #3-13m, #4-27m,#5-46 million)

Looking back there have been good things that I can remember through all of this. Like how after our IUI's when they have you sit there for 5 minutes we've used that time to pray over the procedure. Today I also felt the Spirit telling me to pray for the other couples that were in the waiting room. I'm always amazed at how many people are there for the early morning IUI's. Each one of us desperately hoping that this would be the month. So I prayed for all of us to receive our miracles. I don't know their names or their stories but I know exactly what they have been going through and how much we all need prayer during this time.

And I'm so grateful for our RE who is an old colleague of my father. It's actually comforting to have someone as your advocate who has a personal connection to you. When I have come back after each failed IUI he speaks to me as a father figure and shares in our disappointment with gentleness and reassurement for the future. He literally holds my hand and says, "Let's make this one be the one," with a softness in his eyes like I was one of his own. That's just awesome. I also appreciate his knowledge as he has been doing this for years (and could actually retire if he wanted too) He does not mess around and does all his IUI's with clomid/hcg to ensure perfect timing. There is no clomid/OPK's in this office. If he's going to put you on drugs he's going to use the best way possible to ensure the most perfect timing; no guessing games. That way if 3-4 of them do not work he moves onto the next step. He is in the business of making babies not money which is great because we don't have a ton of money but we would like a baby!

So now I'm sitting here resting and laying on my left side because lefty had the best looking follicle on Thursday. I'm pretty sure that's the one that took off because when I ovulate from righty I usually feel it due to the endometriosis that was on that ovary. I didn't feel anything this time around. Please pray for this month that it will be successful. God has already been good to us with lefty and high SA numbers we just hope that He will also bring this month to completion = conception.

On a side note I wanted to give a shoutout to my new bloggy friend osuraj who delurked. Thanks for commenting! I've also added you to my blog roll.

Even though National Delurking Week has come to an end I'd still love to hear from those who silently read this blog. I would love to get to know you, add you to my blog roll and share in this crazy infertility journey together.

Mixed Reviews

OK so the good news is that my left ovary (lefty) is finally participating! AND that is where my one 'good' egg is at, size 18. I have two smaller on the right 15 and 16 which may not ripen in time. The bad news is that my lining is at 7cm which is one cm away from where they cancel the IUI. That means I might not have enough fluff to catch an egg-y if we get lucky this month. So we are to delay the hcg shot till Friday but my RE asked that we ʽhave funʼ tonight anyway (just in case lefty takes off on her own) then the IUI is set for Sunday. I have to go in for blood work on the 19th because of my low lining.

I've had a horrible time trying to get my hcg approved through my prescription insurance. In fact it just got approved today so I've been freaking out that it wouldn't be approved in time. When I called them to see what the hold up was they told me they approved it for three months (that was two months ago!). Now if that's the case why does my pharmacy not realize this and make me jump through hoops every time. I'm thinking "what we have here is a failure to communicate."

Of course I then learned that the lab where I got my blood work before is no longer approved by my insurance company so I have to trek all the way across town to get a lab done today and then again on the 19th.

I’m trying not to feel discouraged and just be happy that I know lefty is not a dud. When I told my husband about it all, he said, "Seems like a victory to me. If lefty was a dud, that is permanent. 7cm is a temporary thing." He's right. I'm thrilled that lefty has joined in on the all the fun and now I'm holding to the knowledge that God is greater than all of those other little things that pop up just to frustrate me and make me doubt His goodness. Either way I am one more month closer to the completion of God's plan; one more month closer to being a mom.

Mini Update

I'm alive :) I'm just without much to blog about right now. I've taken my second to last clomid dose and have been enjoying the hot flashes as it's finally cold enough for January in our town. I can't wait until I take my last clomid. This time, no matter what the outcome, it will be the last clomid dose I'll ever take which makes me thrilled.

While I haven't had too many side effects on the drug I still don't like the ones I get. Take last night for example. I took my dose at 5 pm (so that I can sleep through the side effects) but didn't think about the fact that I was going to the 7 pm service at church. My hub was on the drums last night and I thought it would be nice to catch dinner together afterwards. Well within two hours I started to have unprovoked and uncontrollable crying. Umm, awkward... So I sat in the back and tried not to draw attention to myself. Fortunately the hub is very supportive but I would rather not have to go through that again. I'll give an update on Thursday when I have my u/s to check my follies - maybe lefty will finally decided to participate but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Finally

Well the ticker is back up. AF finally showed up and after 4 days of being late with negative tests, I was actually happy to see her. As I said in my previous post I'm really feeling fine with this month not being successful. I'm happy to be able to start our fifth and final IUI (4th clomid/hcg) regardless of the outcome.

Sooo... I start clomid this Thursday and have my u/s egg check next Thursday. So we'll be praying for another miracle and if not we'll start IVF in March.

What A Tease!

So Thanksgiving came and went without a visit by Aunt Flow. She didn't call to let me know she'd be late so we all got excited that maybe she would skip the holidays this year. Oh how we all were fooled. She arrived fashionably late early Sunday morning. The only benefit is that she stayed for only two days, yes I said two days. That's the one benefit of clomid, it scares dear Flow off early.

So when I talked to the nurse about scheduling our fifth and final IUI, ROADBLOCK! Apparently the only day I can do the u/s is the 10th but I'm out of town for work that day. I have no way around it. They can't schedule it for any other day because I make massive eggs by cycle day 11 and letting me go one more day may mean I'd ovulate on my own. Then we'd miss out on the benefit of timing an hcg mediated cycle. So we're out this month as far as fertility treatments go. It's up to nature (and miracles).

For some reason this has really made me feel down. Its just one more thing where my job is making our treatments practically impossible. Not to mention the "so called" plan has taken another turn. I wanted to have this all behind me by the new year. I'm starting to loose steam i.e. the energy to keep going on this journey. Its even affecting the Christmas season. Normally I LOVE Christmas, in my opinion its the best holiday ever. But I have no desire to put up any decorations, get a tree or put up lights. How sad is that? This is the first year that I can remember when I didn't have my entire house decorated before the end of November. Hopefully I'll turn around here soon, until then I'm going to head off to bed early. (Maybe I can just hibernate for the next few months.)

Call Me Mara...

Well I decided to not let the box of Clearblue Easy's leave our house unopened and used it today to test; three days before Aunt Flow is to show (on Thanksgiving of all days). I peed on them, just to spite them; if you can spite inanimate objects. Either way it felt good to get some sort of payback. Of course they were negative; they are always negative.

What I don't understand is that I consistently have cramping between 6-9 dpo. Most people would call that "implantation" and I was told that it was probably due to my endometriosis. Regardless I would like to have a blood clotting test done. There are suspicions that my mom might have a blood clotting disorder based upon her medical history. But because they didn't really do this sort of testing back in the late 70's early 80's when she had my brother and I, we don't know. We do know she miscarried a baby (between my brother and I) when she was in her second trimester. Her doctor said that if she wanted a third child then he would order the test but my parents decided two was enough.

Typically they only order this test if you miscarry more than two times. But I was curious if anyone ended up having a blood clotting disorder that also had never successfully conceived until it was discovered and treated. Maybe I'm going down the wrong alley but my other thought was that I don't want to drop $$$ on IVF only to have it fail, then get tested and discover it could have been prevented. If anyone reading this has any input I'd appreciate it.

On the flip side, I titled this post "Call Me Mara" because of a verse that popped into my head this morning while reading the very prominent "not pregnant" on the test. If you have ever read the book of Ruth you will know that Ruth's mother-in-law's name is Naomi, which means "my delight." When Naomi suffers great loss she changes her name to Mara, which means "bitterness." This was because she felt God had dealt bitterly with her by bringing her such sadness. This is how I felt this morning. But then I read a post by Think(+)Positive which helped to put my sadness into perspective. If you need some hope and have a chance to read it I'd recommend popping over to her blog.

She said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. "I went out full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?"

Ruth 1:20-21

Rubber Needles and Bandaids

So last night the hub had to give me my hcg injection. He did great the last time so I wasn't too worried. After the first IUI fiasco where I gave my self the injection and literally started spurting blood from my thigh, anything is better. Almost.

This time was a bit more...painful. When I went to draw in hcg into the needle, I noticed that it curved when I pushed it through rubber cap of the vial. It was a 1 1/2" needle so it was big but not that big. But when the hub tried to do the injection the needle kept bending and he couldn't get it to break the skin. I tried to be supportive and act like it didn't hurt otherwise he would have freaked out on me. If I didn't have a pillow to hid my face in, the gig would have been up. He made two more attempts and then cried out, "What did they give you rubber needles?!?" At that point I started laughing which then made it even more impossible for him to try and do the injection. Once the giggles past I told him to just shove it in me. It took five attempts before he could finally give me the injection. Needless (no pun intended) to say I was very sore. Instead of a regular band aid we used one of those large square ones to cover up my wounds. I didn't want to tell him that I could barely sit in my desk chair at work today. I'm afraid he'd never be able to give me another injection again. And if we have to do IVF we've got a LOT of injections. Maybe I'll request the 1" needles next time...

Just out of curiosity, did anyone else have a funny infertility treatment situation? Let me know! We have to laugh at something during all this stress or we'd loose our minds.

Egg Update

Well I'm back from my u/s to see how my egg stock is making out. Outcome:

eggs on the right - Total 2 (21 and 24)

eggs on the left - Total 0

Lining - 9

I'm about ready to take my left ovary out back and shoot it. Three times on clomid and all three it's playing hard to get. This does not make our outlook for IVF very good if I only have one ovary to work with = less crop for harvesting.

I was able to discuss the 'what if this doesn't work' plan with my RE. Because we are doing a clomid/IUI with this cycle ending in early December that only leaves us with about 7 weeks to work with before my travel schedule with work picks up in Feb. He didn't feel that was adequate and we'd run into trouble with our time line. So instead, IF this doesn't work this month, we'll do 1-2 more rounds of clomid/IUI until February. I'll drive around the state for work Feb-May and some time in April he thought we can start the prepping process for IVF, that way my body will be ready to go once my travel stops.

In some ways I'm disappointed. Disappointed that nothing looked any different from the u/s this time around than it did before my surgery, that we'll have to wait longer than I'd like to try IVF, which in turn pushes back the mental adoption time line I had started to create.

Crap! I did it again! I just realized I started another plan, another solo me-minus-God plan. Just now I realized that I'm disappointed because the new plan I'd been formulating didn't work out. This is really a sickness I have here. I mean I know I'm type A but jeez, I snuck this in even under my own nose. I guess it's good that I caught myself. I guess I got what I needed, another month where nothing looks any different so I'm back to depending on God to work it out for the best. Humbling, isn't.

Although one good thing did happen. My two eggs are big enough for us to do the hcg shot tonight and then the IUI is scheduled bright and early Saturday morning. That means I don't have to take off work on Monday or Tuesday as I had originally feared. Whew!

Our record thus far is 0-30 months. I sure could use some prayer this weekend for a successful cycle.

One Track Mind...

All I can think about is the fact that it's EGG CHECK DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no logical reason as to why I'm so happy about my rendezvous with the dildo cam other than I just can't wait to see what's going on in there. It's my first u/s post laproscopy and I want to know if lefty is ready to join in the baby making game. I have a sneaking suspicion that it may be but past record has shown that my ovaries are not ambidextrous. Guess that's why God gave us two.

Please pray that I'm as busy as a chicken during Easter inside!!! I will post with results tomorrow evening.

Day 2 of Clomid - 3 More to Go

Did someone turn up the heat in here? My gosh I'm having a 'personal summer' not to mention a roaring migraine. I forgot the side effects from these things. I'm going to go shove my head in the freezer here in a moment. The best thing is I only have three more pills to go.

If you've never been on clomid before let me tell you something. You will understand what it is like to be in menopause and will be able to sympathize with every women you know who is currently going through the 'change.'

"I've got your back"

I have the best manager ever.

Why would I say that? Because when I had to explain to her that on Monday (Nov 17) or Tuesday (Nov 18) I would have to flex my time out in the am for our IUI she didn't question it. Now we have a major two day meeting on that Monday/Tuesday but my body does not check with my work schedule when planning out it's next cycle. It's not like I can control that part. And my manager's mentality towards it all is, "Who am I to deny your schedule for something like this when this could be the month. That is not my role to decide that and I won't live with that on my conscious." - How awesome is she!

The issue came when she had to talk to our supervisor about my 'possible' schedule change. Keep in mind the actual outcome won't be known until my egg check day on Thursday (Nov 13) but due to company policy I had to turn in my flex schedule already. Our supervisor is aware of of my infertility issues and treatment schedule but does not want to approve my flex because of the meeting. But she cannot disapprove it yet because the day is not set yet. My manager told me she is arguing with her that people have missed this meeting before for less important things. Not only that but I'm not missing the whole meeting but only four hours which I intend to make up that work time later in the week.

My manager stressed to me that I should not worry about this and I agreed with her. No one will get in my way and I will do whatever I have to do for my family. Either way I have 'Personal Hours' that I can use if I have to. This is a benefit of being an union employee. The definition of personal hours allows me to use them for whatever I want, whenever I want and without question or ability to disapprove them by my superiors.

So go ahead and disapprove my flex time, I tried to give you a 40 hr work week but you wouldn't work with me. There are bigger things in life than meetings.

Side note: My supervisor also tried to tell me about her "struggles with infertility" but this woman had four boys and her complaint was that she wanted to try to have a girl when she was 39 years old and couldn't. THAT IS NOT INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So clearly she does not understand what it is to be trying for JUST ONE BABY for almost 2 1/2 years. The whole time she was talking I felt like I was in a Peanuts cartoon, "Wont wont wont wa, wa wont wa wa wont" I can't hear you, la la la la, ridiculous fertile person complaining about not being able to have a baby when you were advanced in years and after already birthing 4 children, la la la la....

Back in the Saddle...or Should I Call Them the "Silver Stirrups"

So today I made the big phone call to the RE office. I'm starting my 50mg of clomid x 5 days on Wednesday and will be going in for my egg check on Thursday Nov 13th. That means we should be doing the IUI sometime between the 16-18 (Sun-Tues).

Fabulous! (with just a hint of sarcasm)

Well I just can't believe this is happening. So we get to sleep in an extra hour because its the annual "change you clocks back" day. I'm taking advantage of getting plenty of rest and lounging around in my pj's until I have to head off to our 11 o'clock church service. I start to realize that while I have persistently been feeling crampy for quite a few days now, this morning is feeling far worse than the last few. I contemplate maybe starting some ibuprofen a bit early this cycle to head off what I anticipate to be massive cramps. When what to my surprise...AF has made an unexpected early visit. Fabulous!

Now I 'pride' myself on the fact that my dear AF is always on time; predictable to the nth degree. But not this month, this month she's four days early. Fabulous! I really do not get to see enough of her. So thus ends our six months of trying post laproscopy. What a flipping waste of time. I'd have been better off ignoring our RE's advice and push for continuing treatment. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. Let's take a look at 'hindsight' shall we:

Synopsis of a failed 6 month trial "au natural":

Month 1, May: Ended up out on a business trip during o-week, the hub was going to drive down to where I was staying but several tornado's ripped through our state preventing him from driving down unless he wanted a free ride "Dorothy style." Not worth risking his life.

Month 2, June: My uncle was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Kind of a mood killer. Ended up in a house filled with my family members so everyone could visit with my uncle in the hospital post surgery. No where to 'do the deed.'

Month 3, July: The hub was supposed to be out of town on a business trip but I ended up 0-ing early. Finally a chance, but it failed to work.

Month 4, August: Another failed cycle. I actually didn't even ovulate. That NEVER happens to me, except this month.

Month 5, September: Went on a weekend getaway to help us 'relax,' but that didn't pan out either.

Month 6, October: Went to Marco Island, did nothing but sleep in and lie on a beach. Should have been the most relaxing 0-week of my life and AF has the audacity to show up early.

So Monday I will be calling our RE office to schedule our third clomid/hcg/IUI treatment. I'll only agree to one, after that I want to do IVF. I'm done waiting around. Clearly my cycles are starting to change from ridiculously regular to annovulatory and shorter luteal phases. My eggs are getting older and I'm not going to sit around any longer and wait for them to keep spoiling on us.

On a side note, I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at my stupid body which failed to get the memo that it's supposed to play nice and grow babies. Dumb uterus.

5 Down, One To Go

So Aunt Flow reared her ugly head and we’re now officially into the final month, dreaded number six. Yesterday I called the RE’s office to make sure that we are ready for November. I hate to sound like “Debbie Downer” assuming that October will fail but I’m also trying to be realistic. To catch people up, our RE had us try exploratory surgery to rule out endometriosis. I ended up having stage one (not bad but still…) and so he told us to take 6 months off treatments to see if we could conceive on our own. And so we find ourselves here, five months later and still not pregnant. He had initially wanted us to try another 2-3 rounds of clomid/hcg/IUI but at this point I don’t even want to bother with it. I’d rather just move on to IVF. I feel like I’ve wasted another 6 months of my life. If we could have conceived on our own it would have happened by now (It’s been 2 ½ years!), we’ve done three IUI’s already and I have only a short window of time before my travel picks up at my job. That would make IVF nearly impossible because I’ll be out of town almost every other week. I feel like I could scream and cry all at the same time.

I typically love the fall and love my birthday but this year I could just crawl into a hole and let the whole thing pass by without me. It totally stinks that I’m not only turning 30 but also struggling with infertility. I had always thought that I’d have at least two children by now but clearly this was not supposed to be. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I just need to start grieving the loss of our dream. I know that I haven’t done IVF yet but because it’s the ‘last ditch effort’ it brings up these feelings. I’ve read a few blogs from women who have been successful with IVF but I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because it worked for them does not mean that will for us. I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy so I don’t even know if my baby-maker even works. Plus we really can only afford to do one treatment without dipping into our savings that we have been setting aside for adoption. Ugh! Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and this will all seem better in the morning. That or chocolate.