Thursday, October 30, 2008

Trick or Treat?

So we had beggars night in our neighborhood that ended just a few hours ago. We live in a 'young' neighborhood with young couples that have lots of babies. Almost everyone toted around their babies in all the cute little costumes they have now like pea pods, cows and teddy bears. I had the unfortunate situation of being alone tonight passing out candy and having to deal with the emotions that after 2 1/2 years I still do not get to dress up our child in an over-priced-only-wear-it-once-Halloween-costume. It sucked. And when it was over with I cried. Pathetic.

So I wandered up into our loft and pulled out my old bible. I have several; one I keep for more in depth studies, one that outlines prophecy, one in the common vernacular, etc. But I pulled out the bible my parents got for me when I was a teenager. It was like opening up an old friend with all the markings, notations and underlinings done from past trials. I sat there praying for some direction or hope. As I was wiping away my tears I opened it up and the following verse caught my attention:

"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!" Isaiah 30 19-22

You have my attention now, I'm listening...

Obama Fact Check

After last nights address by Obama I wanted to see if what he said was really all truth. Good ole Calvin Woodward came through again at the Associated Press:

"A sampling of what voters heard in the ad, and what he didn't tell them:

THE SPIN: "That's why my health care plan includes improving information technology, requires coverage for preventive care and pre-existing conditions and lowers health care costs for the typical family by $2,500 a year."

THE FACTS: His plan does not lower premiums by $2,500, or any set amount. Obama hopes that by spending $50 billion over five years on electronic medical records and by improving access to proven disease management programs, among other steps, consumers will end up saving money. He uses an optimistic analysis to suggest cost reductions in national health care spending could amount to the equivalent of $2,500 for a family of four. Many economists are skeptical those savings can be achieved, but even if they are, it's not a certainty that every dollar would be passed on to consumers in the form of lower premiums.

THE SPIN: "I also believe every American has a right to affordable health care."

THE FACTS: That belief should not be confused with a guarantee of health coverage for all. He makes no such promise. Obama hinted as much in the ad when he said about the problem of the uninsured: "I want to start doing something about it." He would mandate coverage for children but not adults. His program is aimed at making insurance more affordable by offering the choice of government-subsidized coverage similar to that in a plan for federal employees and other steps, including requiring larger employers to share costs of insuring workers.

THE SPIN: "I've offered spending cuts above and beyond their cost."

THE FACTS: Independent analysts say both Obama and Republican John McCain would deepen the deficit. The nonpartisan Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget estimates Obama's policy proposals would add a net $428 billion to the deficit over four years — and that analysis accepts the savings he claims from spending cuts. The nonpartisan Tax Policy Center, whose other findings have been quoted approvingly by the Obama campaign, says: "Both John McCain and Barack Obama have proposed tax plans that would substantially increase the national debt over the next 10 years." The analysis goes on to say: "Neither candidate's plan would significantly increase economic growth unless offset by spending cuts or tax increases that the campaigns have not specified."

THE SPIN: "Here's what I'll do. Cut taxes for every working family making less than $200,000 a year. Give businesses a tax credit for every new employee that they hire right here in the U.S. over the next two years and eliminate tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas. Help homeowners who are making a good faith effort to pay their mortgages, by freezing foreclosures for 90 days. And just like after 9-11, we'll provide low-cost loans to help small businesses pay their workers and keep their doors open. "

THE FACTS: His proposals — the tax cuts, the low-cost loans, the $15 billion a year he promises for alternative energy, and more — cost money, and the country could be facing a record $1 trillion deficit next year. Indeed, Obama recently acknowledged — although not in his commercial — that: "The next president will have to scale back his agenda and some of his proposals."

**Disclaimer: I am an Independant voter i.e., I associate with no political party and only vote for who I deem is the best candidate. I am still somewhat undecided and this post in no way is associated with how I intend to vote.

Monday, October 27, 2008


Ok so I'm fresh off my near death experience and already feeling down. Now I said that I was happy to be alive and to be able to try again next month if need be, and I am, but it's never easy. The pre-period cramping has begun and it's never been a good sign for someone like me. I think it's harder because it means we are going back to the RE next month. I'm just hoping that maybe I'm wrong. It's 10 dpo and my P-day is Nov 5th; that means 9 MORE days of waiting. Time to pray even harder now. *sigh*

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Nothing Like a Near Death Experience to Put Things Into Perspective

So my blog has been a bit silent for a while because the hub and I had been enjoying a relaxing week on Marco Island. It was an absolutely perfect week, even with a little rain passing through on Thursday and Friday. Our last day may have been raining but because of the storms overnight it was a great morning for shelling. Hub and I got up at 7 am to head out to the beach at sunrise. We got to see a beautiful rainbow, gorgeous sunrise, dolphins, flying fish, stingrays and collected every shell native to Florida including a sand dollar. It was a perfect end to a much needed vacation week.

The one thing I was dreading was the flight home. I'm not the best flier but I'm better than the hub who has to drug up to even GET on the plane. I've just had some bad flying luck and it's shaken my confidence a bit i.e., hit by lightening, jet stream roll on take off and near air miss to just name a few. So please note that I hate to fly in rain. I'd rather have snow than rain. Saturday morning we awoke to a heavy fog but it appeared to be clearing up. Unfortunately the rain started about 45 minutes before take off. As we were boarding and preparing for take off I started to get some very bad feelings. First, the flight crew were just way, way to happy and positive (what were they trying to compensate for?) Second, they dimmed the lights for take off which is done to keep passengers calm and on all my bad flights the crew did this. Third, we had the token bad flight/bad passenger issues e.g., the cell phone lady that had to be asked twice to turn it off while taxing down the runway, the inconsolable crying child, the elderly man who got out of his seat while we were still climbing through the clouds because he could not hold his pee pee, etc. I started to have this out-of-body experience where my subconscious was screaming at me that we should not be on this flight. And while I kept telling my hub that I was OK when he would ask, inside I was full of dread. Take off was rough as our pilot worked to get us up above the clouds and out of the storm. I hid my face in the hub's shoulder and kept telling myself that God was not finished with us yet and that we would live to adopt and/or have our own children which helped to calm me down.

While I was unsettled for most of the cruising altitude part, nothing bad really happened so I started to think that maybe it was all in my head. It wasn't. The pilot came on the overhead speakers prior to beginning our decent to tell us that it would be a "bumpy landing." "Bumpy", that's what he said, "bumpy." Now I've had "bumpy" plane rides but this was beyond "bumpy." What he should have said was that there was a storm going on down below and while it would be a difficult landing they would make sure they would land the plane safe and sound. I would have appreciated that a lot more and it may have given me more confidence during our half hour of life threatening turbulence.*

Our pilots attempted to keep the plane above the clouds as long as possible. As the plane finally began to descend into the clouds we began to feel the bumps and shaking that we had been told about. But it began to grow more intense the longer we were in it. The plane was fighting the wind and weather for all it was worth. It swayed side to side and would threaten to veer off course to the right or left. The wing flaps were running on overtime as the pilots fought to land the plane. I buried my face in my husband's shoulder again and began to pray with all my might. We could feel the speed of the plane increase, then decrease, then drop suddenly and careen off to the side. Passengers screamed and babies began wailing. Suddenly we broke through the clouds and could see the ground below. Rain poured down upon our plane and there was hope that the runway was near. My husband began telling me that it was almost over and tried to wrap both his arms around me but the turbulence was throwing us around so much it was necessary for him to use his free arm to brace himself. I heard the landing gears drop and began to feel encouraged that this would all come to an end soon. Without warning the tail lurched to the left, screams erupted from throughout the plane and we felt the pilot compensate to the right in order to straighten us out. Suddenly the plane accelerated and it felt like we were gaining in altitude all the while continuing to suffer massive turbulence. Amidst the whirring of the engines and wing flaps, I began telling my husband that I loved him, kissing him; basically saying my last goodbye's. We found ourselves back up in the low lying clouds. The captain came on the overhead, apologized for the aborted landing and that we would have to make a second attempt. So the last 15 minutes of turbulence were repeated as we circled around to the emergency runway. I asked my husband if we could drive from Baltimore and not take our connecting flight if we ever made it to the ground, which he agreed. Then I began a solid 15 minutes of out loud prayer for the pilots to land the plane and for peace with what could be our death. We finally broke through the clouds for the second time and made our way down closer and closer to the runway. This time we hit it with a huge bump that threw us all up into the air and then braking that thrust us back hard against our seats. The captain came on the overhead and said, "Whoooooaaaaaaa, Nelly! Ladies and Gentleman we have landed." This time clapping and celebratory shouting erupted from everyone. The poor gentleman beside me asked if I was alright. "I am now that we've landed" I replied. But that was enough for me. I was white as a ghost, shaken to the core, my legs were jello, and I could barely walk.

Our connecting flight was to take off within 20 minutes and you could not have gotten me on that plane if you had paid me. Why on earth would I have made it to the ground only to fly right back up into that mess. I had walked away with my life so why risk it again. My husband is awesome because we cancelled our connecting flight and rented a one-way car to make the 6 hour drive back home. I drove since it was my idea and it was wonderful to feel in control after such an event. On that trip we drove through the awful storm we had just flow through. It was so bad you could not see the car in front of us and we almost had to pull over to the side of the road to wait it out. There were multiple car accidents and we actually witnessed one between a Fire Bird and a truck with a multi-car trailer.

We pulled into town around 9 pm last night, dropped off the hub to get one of our cars and I took the rental back to the airport. I was also going to pick up our luggage so we hoped that it made the connecting flight since there was only 20 minutes to spare when we had landed in Baltimore. I saw our luggage in the Southwest baggage claim room but the door was locked and no one was around. I wandered around looking for a SW rep but ended up just asking another airline baggage claim attendant for help. She suggested the paging desk. The "Paging Desk" ended up being an unattended Information Desk that I past by five time's and finally noticed that a small acrylic sign holder mentioned paging. It said that if I wanted to page someone to go to my airline baggage claim office. Great. That was no help at all. So I wandered up stairs to find the ticketing desk which I couldn't find and every desk was empty save a cleaning lady sweeping in the American Airline's booth. At this point all the emotion of my horrible day hit me and I just shouted "I can't find anyone from Southwest!" A near by security guard looked at me and then walked away, the nerve! While a pilot who had been wandering around stopped and asked if he could help me. He was a young Australian pilot who had been grounded for the last six hours and no hope of flying out anytime soon. I just exploded on the guy with a teary eyed rambled synopsis of our flight, rental car, baggage issues, and ended it all with a "and I just want to get my bags and go home." That poor guy, no wonder the security guard avoided me. But this was a stand up guy. He just said, "let's see what I can do for you." So now I have a Pilot on my side. Oh yeah. He took me to the SW ticking office which we found was also unattended, did some asking around and when we went down to the baggage area I had two people there to help me. So thanks pilot guy, you rock!

And I got the scoop. Apparently the storm we had managed to land in had ended up grounding planes all across the east coast. It had grounded his plane and no one was going in or out of any airport. I told him he should be thankful and recounted, in a much calmer tone, our trials with landing. He agreed that it was a bad day for flying but encouraged me that SW only employs ex-military pilots and if anyone could land a plane in that kind of weather it was them, we were in good hands.**

I have never been so happy to be home and see familiar places. As the hub and I drove back from the airport alive and with our luggage I began telling everything I saw that I love it out loud. For example, "I love you Wonder bread factory with all the yummy smells you tempt me with on my drive to work, I love you Greek Orthodox Church and the Greek festival you hold annually to fill my belly with delicious foods, I love you Smith Brother's Hardware Warehouse that isn't actually a hardware warehouse but just a really cool building with offices, you get the picture. And while most people dread going back to work after a wonderful vacation I am totally thrilled just to be alive so that I am able to go back to work. I'm seriously going to hug all of my coworkers on Monday.

*I want to note that I have all the respect in the world for our pilots and Southwest airlines. If not for them I would probably be dead. In fact I actually have more respect for the pilots who fly for Southwest because they are ex-military pilots i.e. very, very well trained. God bless you for saving our lives and if I ever get on a plane again it will always be with your company.

**I could not have agreed with him more.

On a side note: As I sit here DPO 9 I have to say that no matter what happens this month I am just happy to be alive to have the chance to try again next month. Funny how facing death will do that to a person. Although I don't really recommend it. Very scary.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Never trust a women with a Sam's Club sized bottle of Robitussin on her desk

I must look really suspicious at work right now because I have the biggest bottle of Robitussin ever made sitting right out for everyone to see. But it's totally worth it. I'm giving this last month one more try. I'm pulling out the Robitussin and taking my iron pills.

My Goals:
1. quality cervical mucus
2. quality endometrial lining

But I have to say, that Tussin is nasty. I have always had an aversion to cherry lifesavers because they remind me of cough medicine. Now I find myself chugging it down like it's going out of style. Oh the things we do for fertility. I figure if a miracle happens this month and we get pregnant I'd rather complain about nasty cherry flavored cough syrup than feeling like a human pin cushion from IVF shots. And this may be TMI but I think the stuff is working already. Oh please God, let it be this month!

On The Water

Today I went to Christmas Choir rehearsals and our worship band was having their weekly practice as well. We're having a guest worship leader this week so he was asked to speak to us on some 'reflective topic' of his choosing prior to starting practice. I was surprised but his words really spoke to me.

He told the story of his daughter who suddenly began experiencing seizures. When he was praying over the situation he thought of the Gospel story in Matthew 14 where Jesus walked on water. He likened himself to Peter who said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus." What faith Peter had to step out on the water and believe that he could walk on it as Jesus had done. Yet even though he was walking on water, when he saw the storm around him, Peter was afraid and began to sink.

It's amazing to me when you have a faith that would lead you out to walk on water that you would suddenly doubt the power of God when a little storm comes up. But yet we do all the time. I have been doing that. Infertility is my storm. Here I was, walking in faith everyday and seeing God show himself to me. But when the storm of infertility hit I was shaken and have found myself to be sinking.

The best part about the story of Peter is this, "But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" For someone to help you immediately they have to be right there next to you. Jesus didn't lunge and he didn't rush over to help; he immediately stretched out his hand. I need that mental image. That picture of Jesus right by my side ready to pull me up from sinking from my own fear and doubt, if I would just cry out. I have the faith to step out on the water, I just need the faith to not fear the storm and know that He is right there next to me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You've got to be kidding me, seriously?

Ok so today I had the oddest phone call. I was at work.

[Background on work: I work for the WIC program and I am an administration consultant i.e. all the local WIC projects call me when they have questions that are out of their league etc. I also do many other things but it would take too long and bore the heck out of anyone who bothers to even read this]

So one of my local projects gives me a call and we do the work chat and I answer her questions. Then when that is out of the way we typically chat for a bit on a more personal level i.e. how is your day going, any fun plans this weekend etc. You get the picture.

Not today. Today instead of asking "How's it going up there?" I get; "So, any exciting news you want to share?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, "Things are pretty normal here, just working on some projects, you know."

"No," she says, "Anything exciting about you personally that you want to share."

Now I'm starting to realize what she is getting at and I can't believe this is happening. She is actually suggesting that I may be pregnant and has me cornered. Of course, I've been doing evasive maneuvers in this area for almost three years now so I have a few tricks of my own.

"We'll today is my birthday and I'm going out to dinner tonight" I say as nonchalantly as possible.

"Oh, well, happy birthday but isn't there anything else?"

HOLY CRAP! Could she BE anymore obnoxious? "I'm getting my new bike that I asked my husband for as my birthday present? I'm not sure what else you mean?"

"Oh," she says sounding disappointed, "I thought you might be telling me you were expecting."

I can't believe she did that! I don't think I'm overreacting, she was completely out of line. I quickly diverted the topic off of me and prattled on that I wasn't expecting but my coworker was and that she'd see how cute she looked in November when we all will be getting together. It seemed to work pretty well and we ended up on the subject of vacations.

Ironically, she is going to be in Florida the same week that I will be but fortunately two hours away from us. When she heard this she actually said, "See I knew that you had something to tell me. I'm telepathic you know, seriously. I just thought that it might be something else."

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, SERIOUSLY? So a telepathic nosey person gives me a call on my 30th birthday to pester me about being pregnant. Why today? Today I'm trying to forget that I'm 30 and infertile. Maybe evil forces are trying to bring me down or tempt me from trusting in God.

I know what you may be thinking; it's a sign, right? I'm done with signs. I've fallen for them a few times already. For example, a coworker stops at my cube and tells me that she had a dream the other night that I was pregnant but not telling anyone at work. Now at the time I was two days from ovulating so I totally took this as a sign and got my hopes up. If you've read my history you will know that I didn't end up pregnant but instead ended up with another broken heart. So I'm not taking this as a sign.

Ugh, I just realized that today I'm two days from ovulating just like the last time. Maybe that's my sign. When people tell me they think I'm prego and its two days from Oing the month is a bust, HA!

Alright, I think I've defeated the evil temptation of feeling blah on my birthday. I'm off to my birthday dinner. No Martini's for me this year but I can still have fun.

Monday, October 13, 2008


We'll be on vacation when I 'O' so hopefully God will look down upon us and bless us. If you read this and are the praying type, could you pray for us? Friday(17) - Sunday(20). We'd really appreciate it. Thanks.


Ok so I've been blog surfing and I came across a blog where a Christian couple, actively dealing with infertility, was also strongly relying on prayer. And for some reason this annoyed me. Why? Why would this bother me? I felt *yuch* about it because it was so, so, well, Christiany. Sounds horrible to say but it's true. And I mean no offense to the couple because really they are in the right. Maybe we've just been doing this for too long i.e., this infertility thing. I've struggled with some bitterness but over all I haven't become angry with God. But I have had trouble talking to Him about things. Maybe because I'm afraid that if I prayed and didn't receive that I would become bitter towards Him. That sounds even stupider to say but I'm saying it. This blog thing is free therapy so let's just put it all out on the table.

So basically I'm saying that maybe we should be doing the Christiany thing that makes me go *yuch* and really pray about it. You see my warning light is going off right now. It's that realization that the only thing that would be discouraging me from talking to God would be the one person who wouldn't want me to do it, "could it be, SATAN?" (read with a SNL Church lady voice.) Most likely yes.

So thank you infertile christian blogger for convicting me. I'm sorry I said your blog made me feel *yuch* but it wasn't you, it was me. You actually helped me out just by blogging and being true to who you are in Christ. Go you.

A Fun Day Off

Today is a state holiday and since I work for the government I had the day off. My hubby decided to join me and took the day off as well. We got up early and ate breakfast at Scramblers. We both had pancakes but the hub decided to get the large portion and now we have leftovers. His eyes are always bigger than his stomach.

Then we went out and stopped at several bike shops. I'm looking to get a new bike for my birthday. We went to several stores and checked out Marin and Specialized brand bikes. Then we met my brother to check out Jamis and Bianchi as he just purchased a Bianchi for himself. Finally we ended up at Bike Source where I settled on a Specialized Vita. I'll probably pick it up on Tuesday. I'd really like to get into doing some long distance riding as a great way to keep in shape. Plus I think its a great sport that you can keep up with as one gets older, not that I'm old. I'm just saying.

After that we decided to head to a local nursery to check out a tree sale they were having. I've wanted to get a pink flowering kousa dogwood for a while now. They had an awesome sale and we picked up a great tree for under a hundred dollars. I really hope this one takes off. We've been cheap and tried to get a teeny tiny tree that could not handle the frosts here even though they are supposed to be native to our state. Oh well. Let's say a little prayer for this one. It's taller than me so I'm hoping that means it can handle the weather a bit better.

The only downside is that we had to plant the tree at dusk so we were literally killing mosquitoes left and right. We are so bitten up that right now we are covered in Benadryl spray trying not to scratch the bites. And some of them got into our house so we are still killing them. It's torture. Well we will have lots of updates in the next two weeks as we will be going to Marco Island for vacation. Yeah!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Plan G - Blessed with the Challenge of Infertility

I admit that I am a type A person. I always have been and always will be. I plan EVERYTHING and everything usually goes according to plan. When it doesn’t, I have the ability to flex with the situation and turn things around so that everything ends up working out for the best.

For example, when I was in high school I took a course called “Career Mentorship” where I spent 10 -15 hours a week shadowing someone in the career I had an interest in. It was a great experience where I could figure out if a field was for me before heading off to college. I quickly discovered that advertising was a bit more cut-throat and eventually choose dietetics. That helped me to avoid changing my major and maximize my college time because the plan was four years undergrad plus 1-2 years grad and out of school by 2003. And I was right on track.

Now my family plan was to be married by 24 and having our first child by 26. While I met my husband at age 21 we didn’t end up getting married until I was 25. But we weren’t too far off schedule (my schedule). So when we started to try having a family I was 27 (not age 26 as I had hoped but, again, close). What I could not plan for was infertility. God had a plan of His own.

This is the biggest thing He has been revealing to me during this time. His plan overrules my plan. I have been trying to embrace this mentality for the last year. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. But what I see is this: God has a plan for our family. It’s not “my cousin’s-sister’s-friend from grade school got pregnant by…” or “I have a friend who tried x and she got pregnant.” It’s our plan. I am not your cousin’s-sister’s-friend from grade school and I have probably already tried x already and it didn’t work.

God’s plan for your life is not His plan for our lives. For example, we have friends who got pregnant on their first try. Am I jealous? No. She also suffers from multiple sclerosis and has a certain window of time to even try to get pregnant. That was the plan for their lives. Or take my husband’s family history, his parent’s tried for three years and then adopted a son and a daughter. Then when she was 39 years old she suddenly discovered she was expecting my husband. If they hadn’t had fertility troubles my husband may never have been born.

Now that does not mean I know what our plan is yet. If He revealed everything to me I probably would never learn to trust, depend and put my faith in Him. And this is really hard for a planner like me to have to go through. Now I have to set aside my plans. This past month I have looked back on everything we have done for fertility: religiously temping so that even on weekends I set my alarm for my regular work time to ensure consistency, spent wayyyy to much time examining cervical mucas and positions (I know – TMI), having to stomach quarts of robitussin, sneaking ovulation kits into the ladies restroom at work, manipulating my business trips around my ovulation schedule, eating a wheat-dairy-meat-free diet to reduce inflammation from endometriosis, taken ridiculous amounts of herbal supplements, tried accupunture and accupressure and displayed my who-ha to more medical ‘strangers’ than I’d thought imaginable as we explored the word of fertility treatments such as clomid and IUI’s. So what does this all tell me? NOTHING I HAVE DONE HAS HELPED US GET PREGNANT! Because this is all beyond my control and just because I have submitted my version of ‘the plan’ to God does not mean that He has accepted it. In fact, it’s plausible that He took one look at it and said, “Mine’s better.”

There is a reason that we are going through this struggle and the best way to look at it is to say that we are being “blessed with the challenge of infertility.” Crazy, I know. How can you be blessed by infertility? It’s definitely not the blessing of infertility itself – that is a trial. But it’s the journey through this trial that brings forth the blessings.

For one, my husband and I have never been closer. I love him more having gone through this trial than ever before. He is a spiritual rock and really he is the one that has helped me to center my emotions and see that God is not punishing us and that He is in control.

Second, I feel that God is leading us to adoption. My husband’s family already has embraced adoption and it makes such a beautiful environment to bring another adopted child in to it. Not only would we be blessed by the gift a mother would give us, her child, but we would also be a blessing to the child.

Thirdly, God has protected me from miscarriage. Yes I never have experienced pregnancy but I also have never felt the devastation of losing a pregnancy. I think He knows I could not handle that and I am very thankful.

Fourth, God has protected me from bitterness. I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I work for the Women, Infant and Children (WIC) program. We give out vouchers for limited food to help supplement low income pregnant, postpartum and breastfeeding women, infants and children up to age five. I literally spend my day focused on pregnant women. In addition, most of our participants are young, unwed mothers. I have met women who work for our program and are infertile, become incredibly bitter when working with these young moms. It is truly the saddest thing. But I have instead been moved to only feel compassion for these moms. How can you not put aside bitterness when you are faced with a 14 year old girl who had a 4 pound baby due to inter uterine growth retardation and her mom had just abandoned her into the care of her 18 year old brother so she could live with her boyfriend because she didn’t want to deal with her ‘baby momma’ daughter. All I wanted to do is hug this young girl. Do you actually think she wanted to be in that position? But for some reason her choices led her down this path and the plan was for this little 4 pound peanut to enter in the world. God ordained life for this child for some reason that is beyond my understanding but is part of His greater plan.

So here we are, onto Plan B or better yet, Plan G. “G” for God. Not my plan but His plan. I may not like being on this plan on every day of the month and you may find me on here releasing my frustration but for what it’s worth I’m going to follow His plan. And I’m going to keep trying to embrace the fact that we are blessed with the challenge of infertility.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

5 Down, One To Go

So Aunt Flow reared her ugly head and we’re now officially into the final month, dreaded number six. Yesterday I called the RE’s office to make sure that we are ready for November. I hate to sound like “Debbie Downer” assuming that October will fail but I’m also trying to be realistic. To catch people up, our RE had us try exploratory surgery to rule out endometriosis. I ended up having stage one (not bad but still…) and so he told us to take 6 months off treatments to see if we could conceive on our own. And so we find ourselves here, five months later and still not pregnant. He had initially wanted us to try another 2-3 rounds of clomid/hcg/IUI but at this point I don’t even want to bother with it. I’d rather just move on to IVF. I feel like I’ve wasted another 6 months of my life. If we could have conceived on our own it would have happened by now (It’s been 2 ½ years!), we’ve done three IUI’s already and I have only a short window of time before my travel picks up at my job. That would make IVF nearly impossible because I’ll be out of town almost every other week. I feel like I could scream and cry all at the same time.

I typically love the fall and love my birthday but this year I could just crawl into a hole and let the whole thing pass by without me. It totally stinks that I’m not only turning 30 but also struggling with infertility. I had always thought that I’d have at least two children by now but clearly this was not supposed to be. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I just need to start grieving the loss of our dream. I know that I haven’t done IVF yet but because it’s the ‘last ditch effort’ it brings up these feelings. I’ve read a few blogs from women who have been successful with IVF but I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because it worked for them does not mean that will for us. I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy so I don’t even know if my baby-maker even works. Plus we really can only afford to do one treatment without dipping into our savings that we have been setting aside for adoption. Ugh! Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and this will all seem better in the morning. That or chocolate.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Coincidence? I think not.

So I had just posted my theory on ‘why Sarai laughed’ and ended up surfing the web for other infertility blogs. Which, by the way, all happen to be on Google blogs. Because of which I now have one here :) Anyhow, I ended up coming across the following article How to Make Sara Laugh.

An excerpt, "The biblical matriarch Sarah is perhaps history's most famous infertile woman. As a member of a tribe that valued family above almost anything else, she must have tried every ancient remedy...When Abraham brought Sarah a message from God, saying they would have a son even though she was past childbearing age, the old woman laughed...One in eight couples has trouble conceiving; it stands to reason that, for some percentage of these couples, intense religious belief informs the way they approach this thing appears to be true: a religious or spiritual mind-set may help infertile women. In a study of nearly 200 women published in 2005, psychologist Alice Domar and her colleagues found a high correlation between women who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety and depression during fertility treatment. Here, then, is the million-dollar question: does being religious actually help infertile women get pregnant? Domar says it's possible. If religious women have less depression and anxiety, and lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates, "it stands to reason that religious and spiritual women should have higher pregnancy rates." No wonder Sarah laughed."

I actually have a hard time with this article. I feel like it promotes the "just relax" mentality of the fertile world with a religious twist. Has no one ever thought of the fact that maybe whether you conceive and give birth to a child is outside of our hands completely? Yes we have doctors that can help set up all the elements and conditions that help conception occur but whether a life is created is beyond our control. It has nothing to do with our emotions but everything to do with what God has ordained. And just because I understand this does not mean I do not cry every time another month goes by and morn the lost opportunity of not conceiving a child. Sarai laughed because God told her that she would have a child well beyond her fertile years yet God ordained the life of Isaac and it was God who had the last laugh.

I Know Why Sarai Laughed

Originally Posted on Wordpress October 4 2008

All my Christian life I have heard the story of Abram and Sarai as they struggled with the burden of infertility. I remember the story where God came down to earth and ate with Abram. He told Abram that Sarai would conceive. Now Sarai was quite old so conception was no longer a possibility for her based upon the simple fact of human physiology. Sarai also happened to overhear this conversation and laughed to herself. According to the story God overheard Sarai’s laughter and called her out. I had always been taught that Sarai was ‘in the wrong’ for laughing ‘at God’ since God is the author of all life and can create life where there is no life .i.e., the Immaculate Conception.

Now I believe that last part is true, God is the author of life. He is the one who decides if new life begins and when life ends. But I don’t believe that Sarai was wrong for laughing because I no longer believe she laughed solely because she doubted the Sovereignty of God.
If God himself had come down and ate with my husband and told him that we would conceive a child of our own, it would have stirred hope in my heart. Hope. What I have been trying to wrestle with for years now. How do I balance hope with reality. How many times can I allow myself to have hope, only to then allow myself the pain of reoccurring disappointment each month?

I think Sarai, having wrestled with the same issue every month, (hope versus disappointment) would have laughed as a self defense mechanism. I came to realize this just last month. My husband called me out when I made a very ‘unhopeful’ comment about us being successful that month. The truth was I had hope that my nausea which started five days before my period was scheduled to arrive could have meant something. But because I feared the fact that I had any hope at all, I made an unhopeful comment to help put my hope in check. Basically I was giving myself a dose of realism to protect myself from being disappointed. I even laughed when I made my comment. That was when it hit me. Sarai probably laughed as a defense mechanism. She probably thought to herself, “This is the Sovereign Lord standing at my tent saying that I would bear a child. If anyone can do it He can but I’ve hoped so much for so long and now I am an old woman. I can no longer have this kind of hope anymore even when the promise comes from the mouth of God. I can no longer go through the pain of disappointment again. I must guard my heart.” And so she laughed.

So many times I’ve thought that I heard from God; thought that I heard Him giving me a promise only to be disappointed. The only promise I know for sure came about four months before we started trying to expand our family. Our bible study had been going through the book of Genesis. I was doing my reading a few days before to prepare for the study. This week’s study was over the story of Abram and Sarai. As I began reading I was pressed upon my heart by the Holy Spirit. I knew deep in my soul that I was being told that we would struggle with having a child. God told me this for a reason, He knew that I needed to be prepared but regardless it has been a difficult pill to swallow. I remember I told my husband what God had revealed to me but he actually did not believe what I had to say. We hadn’t started trying so therefore we had no evidence that this was in fact true. I would like to think that 2 ½ years of trying unsuccessfully to have a child has proven otherwise. So when other people try to say hopeful things or I feel the stirring of hope in my heart, don’t be surprised if I say something unhopeful in return or even if I laugh.

(Notice that in this blog I kept the names of Abram and Sarai rather than the names they were given when God blessed them and made his covenant with them. Part of that blessing involved the message that Sarai would bear a son. Because I believe that my husband and I have not heard a similar blessing, I have chosen to leave their names as Abram and Sarai. Maybe someday that will change)

Only the Facts People

Originally Posted on Wordpress October 3, 2008

Ok so I didn’t get to actually watch the debate last night but just listen to it on the radio, long story. Anyway, I’m still undecided about who I’m going to vote for yet. I am the quintessential formerly-declared-Republican-now-disenchanted-self-labeled-Independent-voter. In the previous election I vowed only to vote on facts and not party lines. In this election I’ve even vowed not to be swayed by my personal ‘pro-life’ stance that the Republicans use as their “failsafe-vote-clincher” platform. I’ve become disillusioned by Republican candidates that hide behind their pro-life “Christian” platform and then in the closet play out their greedy, corporate non-Christian actions so the world does not see their two-faced behavior. The country is in too much of a sad state with the war and the economy to vote based upon pro-life or pro-choice. There are bigger things afoot and this choice for president is more important than ever before.
I can easily blame my husband on my disillusionment as well as our last 8 years of presidential debacles. He has introduced me to the world of documentaries which EVERYONE should see.

1. The corporation - you will hate big business when you are done

2. Who killed the electric car - you will realize that car companies and oil companies are in bed together to screw us all over

3. Iraq for sale - the Halliburton scandal is real people

4. A crude awakening - we better figure out a better source for energy before the world grinds to a halt

5. Sicko - you all will want to move to Denmark

Oh so the point of this rambling was that I don’t feel I can believe anything so I found a list of debate facts from last night’s Vice Presidential Debate. So thank you Calvin Woodward from the Associated Press.

Some Facts Adrift in VP Debate
Some examples of facts cast adrift in the debate:

PALIN: Said of Democratic presidential candidate Obama: “94 times he voted to increase taxes or not support a tax reduction.”

THE FACTS: The dubious count includes repetitive votes as well as votes to cut taxes for the middle class while raising them on the rich. An analysis by found that 23 of the votes were for measures that would have produced no tax increase at all, seven were in favor of measures that would have lowered taxes for many, 11 would have increased taxes on only those making more than $1 million a year.

BIDEN: Complained about “economic policies of the last eight years” that led to “excessive deregulation.”

THE FACTS: Biden voted for 1999 deregulation that liberal groups are blaming for part of the financial crisis today. The law allowed Wall Street investment banks to create the kind of mortgage-related securities at the core of the problem now. The law was widely backed by Republicans as well as by Democratic President Clinton, who argues it has stopped the crisis today from being worse.

PALIN: Criticized Obama’s “plan to mandate health care coverage and have universal government run program” for health care, and added: “I don’t think it’s going to be real pleasing for Americans to consider health care being taken over by the Feds.”

THE FACTS: Wrong on several counts. Obama’s plan does not provide for universal coverage, only mandates insurance for children and doesn’t turn the system over to the government. Most people would still get private insurance through their work. Obama proposes that the government subsidize the cost of health coverage for millions who have trouble affording it and he’d set up an exchange to negotiate prices and benefits with private insurers - with one option being a government-run plan.

BIDEN: Warned that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s $5,000 tax credit to help families buy health coverage “will go straight to the insurance company.”

THE FACTS: That’s not surprising - the money is meant to pay for health insurance. The Obama campaign tried to capitalize on the candidates’ health care exchange by issuing an ad Friday contending that the Republicans can’t explain “the McCain health tax.”

PALIN: “Two years ago, remember, it was John McCain who pushed so hard with the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform measures. He sounded that warning bell.”

THE FACTS: Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska led an effort in 2005 to tighten regulation on the mortgage underwriters - McCain joined as a co-sponsor a year later. The legislation was never taken up by the full Senate, then under Republican control.

BIDEN: Said McCain supports tax breaks for oil companies, and “wants to give them another $4 billion tax cut.”

THE FACTS: Biden is repeating a favorite saw of the Obama campaign, and it’s misleading. McCain supports a cut in income taxes for all corporations, and doesn’t single out any one industry for that benefit.

PALIN: Said the United States has reduced its troop level in Iraq to a number below where it was when the troop increase began in early 2007.

THE FACTS: Not correct. The Pentagon says there are currently 152,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, about 17,000 more than there were before the 2007 military buildup began.

BIDEN: “As a matter of fact, John recently wrote an article in a major magazine saying that he wants to do for the health care industry - deregulate it and let the free market move - like he did for the banking industry.”

THE FACTS: Biden and Obama have been perpetuating this distortion of what McCain wrote in an article for the American Academy of Actuaries. McCain, laying out his health plan, only referred to deregulation when saying people should be allowed to buy health insurance across state lines. In that context, he wrote: “Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.”

PALIN: Said Alaska is “building a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline, which is North America’s largest and most expensive infrastructure project ever to flow those sources of energy into hungry markets.”

THE FACTS: Not quite. Construction is at least six years away. So far the state has only awarded a license to Trans Canada Corp., that comes with $500 million in seed money in exchange for commitments toward a lengthy and costly process to getting a federal certificate. At an August news conference after the state Legislature approved the license, Palin said, “It’s not a done deal.”

PALIN: “Barack Obama even supported increasing taxes as late as last year for those families making only $42,000 a year.”

BIDEN: “The charge is absolutely not true. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes.”
THE FACTS: The vote was on a nonbinding budget resolution that assumed that President Bush’s tax cuts would expire, as scheduled, in 2011. If that actually happened, it could mean higher taxes for people making as little as about $42,000. But Obama is proposing tax increases only on the wealthy, and would cut taxes for most others.

PALIN: Said a McCain-Palin administration “will support Israel,” including “building our embassy … in Jerusalem.”

THE FACTS: Moving the U.S. Embassy from its present location in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem is a perennial promise of presidential candidates courting the Jewish-American vote. In fact, moving the embassy is actually required by U.S. law. But successive administrations of both parties, including George W. Bush’s, have made the same pledge only to find that the realities of Middle East peacemaking have forced them to invoke a waiver to delay it. Jerusalem is claimed as a capital by both Israel and the Palestinians and Israel’s occupation of east Jerusalem is not internationally recognized. The city’s status is one of the key issues of disagreement in peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians.

Catching Up

I had started a blog on but I really didn't like the layout. So I don't want to loose my previous posts even though there were only a few of them. So here they are below:

Reliving the Past, Unsure of the Future
October 1, 2008

I just got done documenting our ‘infertility history’ page and it’s left me kind of blah. The chronicles of 2 ½ years of nothing. Not even a blip on the radar. Even if we had suffered a miscarriage it would be hope but I don’t even have that. I bought these pregnancy tests online that were supposed to pick up hcg as early as 7 days post ovulation. I thought that maybe if I could pick up a chemical pregnancy it would help with figuring out what was wrong with us. At this point I swear they are broken. I work with a girl who is due in December and I’m half temped to have her pee on one just to see if they actually work.
It’s a depressing thought that for 2 ½ years I’ve never even seen a blip on a stick. Now that my 30th birthday is looming it’s even worse. This will be the worst birthday of my life. I have reached the point where fertility starts to decline but for me fertility hasn’t even started. It’s not fair. It’s not like I waited right? I was 27 when I started. My mom was 29 when she conceived me (her first) so I was actually ahead of her by 2 years. What gives?

Do you see where I am? I’m declining!!! I’m running out of time.
I’m actually sitting here on 8 DPO. I peed on one of those dumb sticks this morning which was negative, again. My stomach has been crampy all day. And before you say, “it could be implantation!” let me tell you something. I have endometriosis. If you have it too then you’ll know what I mean. It sucks. It causes cramps DAYS before your actual period. It causes inflammation so that my abdomen feels achy during the 2ww every month, which possibly causes macrophages to eat important things, like sperm or embryos. It means nothing but another awful period is on the way. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Great Expectations
September 30, 2008

Or, what I hope to get from this experience of blogging. Do I sound like a type A person? Well I am. So maybe this is my goals page or you could think of it as “a visitors guide,” whatever floats your boat. First, I need a place to get all this stuff roaming around in my head, out. Call it therapy of sorts. These past few years have been a bit overwhelming and I’ve been in need of space to reflect on it. Plus, I’m pretty opinionated. I figure this gives me the space to speak my mind without being interrupted. For example, I love talking politics BUT I have a rule; no politics at work or with my brother. The work thing seems obvious but the brother one, probably not so much. You see I love my brother but he’s just as opinionated as me. And while he thinks he’s open minded he’s really the worst about interrupting people. So if you don’t let people talk in order to express their opinions how can you consider yourself open minded? You don’t wait long enough to hear what they have to say! Problem solved, now just try interrupting me on a blog.
Second, I have three huge things that are at the forefront of my mind: my infertility, how that relates to my faith, and politics. Now these are bound to change at any time. Thus, my blog site name being semi-vague should allow me to change my blog focus to whatever is really on my mind or at least figure out if “maybe it’s all in my head?” Cue movie title!

A Virgin Blogger
September 30, 2008

We’ll here I go. My first blog entry. I’m nervous, excited, and a bit intimidated. While I’m not that old, turning 30 on Oct. 15, I did grow up in the era where people kept diaries. You know, little books you wrote your hopes and dream in and hid under the bed so that no one would find it especially your mom or dad. Now here we are just 20 years later and they aren’t called diaries but blogs. And crazily enough we post them out on the internet for EVERYONE to read. Why is it that sharing your inmost thoughts with anonymous strangers is acceptable? I’m not sure but there is a strange comfort in knowing that I don’t personally know anyone who might read this.

Even right now my husband is drilling me on what I am doing and I’m actually embarrassed to tell him. I could barely tell him the blog host name let alone what I’ve called it. And what was my answer? “It’s like a diary.” Bizarre. So I just need to send this first post out into the great internet world. I need to step out into the unfamiliar so that I can embrace this anonymous sharing of my in most thoughts.
Here I go…