After getting some positive feed back from the andrologist we decided to make an appointment for a second opinion. So I finally made the call and it's set for June 13th, the day after our 7th anniversary. Nothing more romantic than having a complete stranger check out your who-ha right after celebrating the day of your wedding. Seriously though, this was the only date that worked out with Hammer's travel. Plus it's a good excuse at work to take a day off without raising too much suspicion. We're keeping this one very quiet since nothing may come of it depending on what we hear.
When I called I had to give our history to the nurse and I totally started crying when I had to discuss our last miscarriage. She was very sweet on the phone and ended up changing the RE she was going to schedule us with saying that the new RE would be better with 'unique' stimulation cycles and has a background in early miscarriage. I also mentioned that we were working with an andrologist and when I mentioned his name she had nothing but the nicest things to say. She also said that she would give me a form to send to them so that they would request our records from the RE so that we would not have to interact with them. So far things have been positive, let's cross our fingers that this continues.
One set back though is that Hammer had a very high fever on Mother's Day, like 102+ temperature. That means if we do anything it cannot be until the end of July or early August as we are out a whole sperm cycle. It's a bummer but I'm not going to worry about it because I can't. We might not even end up doing anything regardless so worrying is just not worth it.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Coming up for air
I’m sorry to have disappeared for such a long time but I’ve been around and trying to keep up with you all by reading your blogs although I’ve not been commenting. Before I update you all I’d like to congratulate those of you who have had surprise miracle pregnancies as they give me much hope and I really need that right about now.
I’ve realized that part of my issues is that my mind has had to have time to decompress and comprehend everything that happened. With our tragedy occurring around the winter holiday times and being so sudden it was like my mind had blockaded off my emotions and prevented me from dealing with what all had occurred. But then we had a life event that really brought it to the forefront.
The weekend before we realized we were pregnant, Hammer and I had attended my cousin’s wedding. It was a ‘shot-gun’ wedding as she was already 4 ½ months pregnant. So when March rolled around we received an invitation for her couples baby shower. Hammer and I have been very supportive of the whole situation (it’s so much more involved that I can get into here) so we knew we were going. But when the weekend of the shower arrived it brought with it all the emotions that had been locked away.
The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine if you were standing in front of a dam that was bursting at the seams. You knew that it was going to break but there was nowhere to run and no telling when it would happen. And then something triggered those walls to finally give way and the water poured forth consuming everything in its wake.
I was sitting at the shower realizing that as the eldest granddaughter I would not be the one to have the first great grandchild. And every woman at the shower was pregnant or had an infant with them (except for my aunt and grandmother of course). And then it hit me. If we had not lost our baby I would be pregnant right now. That was the trigger and I was completely consumed with all the emotions that had been bursting to come forward for months. Thank God Hammer had come with me to the shower so that he could get me out of there and fast. It was more than I could handle but it needed to happen and I’ve finally had to come to terms with my emotions. That’s why I’ve been quiet for some time because I didn’t even know to write about what was going on because it was all so much to take in.
During these past few weeks we also had our repeat DNA test. The results were better but not stellar. Hammer definitely has that rare issue where his pre-sperm are fine (before they grow their tail) but during the maturation process as they make their way to the tes.tes to await eja.culati.on they get bombarded by free radicals and it destroys the DNA. We went from 48% to 27%, so we almost cut it in half and it is good that it’s under 30%. But it still leaves us in the borderline abnormal range. We are waiting to hear back from our urologist with his recommendations and because of the Easter holiday and Hammer's travel, it’s been difficult to set up a phone conference.
I’ve also been setting things up to get my prerequisites done so that I can start my program next summer. Fertility or home study have been on the back burner until we knew the results of the repeat DNA but things may start moving one way or another in the next few months as well.
We’re also finally figuring things out with this Ovacue machine a bit better to help make it work to our advantage with Hammer’s issue. It was actually helpful to have the DNA test this cycle because it helped us figure out the best way for us to TTC naturally and at one point we swore that it might have worked but now we’re pretty sure AF is on the way. Maybe next month, right?
I’ve realized that part of my issues is that my mind has had to have time to decompress and comprehend everything that happened. With our tragedy occurring around the winter holiday times and being so sudden it was like my mind had blockaded off my emotions and prevented me from dealing with what all had occurred. But then we had a life event that really brought it to the forefront.
The weekend before we realized we were pregnant, Hammer and I had attended my cousin’s wedding. It was a ‘shot-gun’ wedding as she was already 4 ½ months pregnant. So when March rolled around we received an invitation for her couples baby shower. Hammer and I have been very supportive of the whole situation (it’s so much more involved that I can get into here) so we knew we were going. But when the weekend of the shower arrived it brought with it all the emotions that had been locked away.
The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine if you were standing in front of a dam that was bursting at the seams. You knew that it was going to break but there was nowhere to run and no telling when it would happen. And then something triggered those walls to finally give way and the water poured forth consuming everything in its wake.
I was sitting at the shower realizing that as the eldest granddaughter I would not be the one to have the first great grandchild. And every woman at the shower was pregnant or had an infant with them (except for my aunt and grandmother of course). And then it hit me. If we had not lost our baby I would be pregnant right now. That was the trigger and I was completely consumed with all the emotions that had been bursting to come forward for months. Thank God Hammer had come with me to the shower so that he could get me out of there and fast. It was more than I could handle but it needed to happen and I’ve finally had to come to terms with my emotions. That’s why I’ve been quiet for some time because I didn’t even know to write about what was going on because it was all so much to take in.
During these past few weeks we also had our repeat DNA test. The results were better but not stellar. Hammer definitely has that rare issue where his pre-sperm are fine (before they grow their tail) but during the maturation process as they make their way to the tes.tes to await eja.culati.on they get bombarded by free radicals and it destroys the DNA. We went from 48% to 27%, so we almost cut it in half and it is good that it’s under 30%. But it still leaves us in the borderline abnormal range. We are waiting to hear back from our urologist with his recommendations and because of the Easter holiday and Hammer's travel, it’s been difficult to set up a phone conference.
I’ve also been setting things up to get my prerequisites done so that I can start my program next summer. Fertility or home study have been on the back burner until we knew the results of the repeat DNA but things may start moving one way or another in the next few months as well.
We’re also finally figuring things out with this Ovacue machine a bit better to help make it work to our advantage with Hammer’s issue. It was actually helpful to have the DNA test this cycle because it helped us figure out the best way for us to TTC naturally and at one point we swore that it might have worked but now we’re pretty sure AF is on the way. Maybe next month, right?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Living in Limbo
We have been praying for direction on what we should do next but we still do not have an answer. It has left us feeling like we are in a state of limbo. Do we move to adoption, pursue the second opinion, etc. We recently learned of a traditional adoption opportunity and while we prayed about it, it just didn't feel that we were being led to pursue it any further. How is it that we are pretty much offered a child and yet we're still being told 'no.' Maybe if we had the results of Hammer's DNA frag test it could help us make a decision about pursuing another fertility treatment but even that will be delayed. Hammer recently got a new position in his company that requires him to travel from now until July. This makes scheduling the DNA frag a nightmare because his travel schedule is only partially set and he could be scheduled for a trip at a moments notice and 10 days of prep would be wasted. On top of that we are trying to at least 'try' naturally which takes prep time as well and we can't do the test during that time.
I do have a question for anyone reading who had a D&C, ever since the procedure AF only seems to last for 2 days instead of my typical 3-4 days. I'm worried the procedure could have messed up my lining as I have read about that being a complication. This makes me worried that I won't have a decent lining during natural cycles even IF everything works. Is this just a temporary problem? I really don't want to talk to my RE about it as we're pretty much done with him. Just going back for our last meeting was beyond traumatizing so I really don't want to have to go back there again.
As far as trying naturally, I am starting my third cycle using the Ovacue. It's an ovulation predictor that reads the estrogen and progesterone changes in saliva and cervial mucus. The benefit with this predictor is that it predicts 5-7 days in advance so it should, in theory, give Hammer and I several days warning to prep before I ovulated. The first month we tried right after the miscarriage was a bust because I deleted all of my readings a week and a half into the month so it could never confirm if I ovulated. This past month it did show that I ovulated but Hammer ended up sick and prep time was not possible. It will be interesting to see what happens this month with trying to time things.
I do have a question for anyone reading who had a D&C, ever since the procedure AF only seems to last for 2 days instead of my typical 3-4 days. I'm worried the procedure could have messed up my lining as I have read about that being a complication. This makes me worried that I won't have a decent lining during natural cycles even IF everything works. Is this just a temporary problem? I really don't want to talk to my RE about it as we're pretty much done with him. Just going back for our last meeting was beyond traumatizing so I really don't want to have to go back there again.
As far as trying naturally, I am starting my third cycle using the Ovacue. It's an ovulation predictor that reads the estrogen and progesterone changes in saliva and cervial mucus. The benefit with this predictor is that it predicts 5-7 days in advance so it should, in theory, give Hammer and I several days warning to prep before I ovulated. The first month we tried right after the miscarriage was a bust because I deleted all of my readings a week and a half into the month so it could never confirm if I ovulated. This past month it did show that I ovulated but Hammer ended up sick and prep time was not possible. It will be interesting to see what happens this month with trying to time things.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thrombophila Results and Breaking Ties
Sorry for the delay in posting about our visit to the RE this week. I had started the post that afternoon but then I had a 3 day work trip the very next day. And to top it off the monitor on my laptop cracked so it was basically unusable and hence no lap top to write my post. But now I'm back home with a computer so here it is!
We met with our RE regarding all the thrombophilia blood work I had done and everything came back as normal except one: MTHFR A1298C heterozygous. Apparently if you have to have one, this is the one to have. Yea me. And we never would have known about it if I hadn’t pushed for the test. Seriously, we are our own best advocates.
So what does this mean? Well it could effect implantation as well as clots that could have cut off blood flow to the baby. Although our RE is in the camp of Drs that only partially believe that it’s a problem so he wasn’t much help there. Honestly being back in that clinic talking with a Dr. that I have lost my trust in was so emotional for me. And to top it all off, as the RE was going through my results he absent mindedly pulled out our last ultrasound photos to get them out of the way while reviewing our chart and left them right there IN FRONT OF ME. So the whole time I had to stare at these pictures. Who does that?!?! I was really too emotional to talk and Hammer asked most of the questions, he did a really good job speaking for us. Here are some of the questions and answers we got back:
So do you think the MTHFR is part of our issues?
Not necessarily but I would put you on Folgard in the future.
So then as far as a possible embryo adoption cycle, would you do anything different?
I’d irritate the uterine lining because it might help with implantation although we generally use that for women who cannot conceive and you have proven that you can. It would really just be prophylactic since I think it might be an implantation issue. I’d also do the folgard as discussed and increase the progesterone.
Interesting that you would increase the progesterone. Do you think that this was our issue since the progesterone was 6?
No, your corpus luetum at that point in time was gone and the placenta should have taken over in the progesterone production so that’s probably why it was low.
So you don’t think that the progesterone could have been low the entire time due to an IVF cycle where you needed to give me progesterone thus causing a potential clot and preventing the placenta from functioning correctly?
Well most women don’t even need progesterone but we give it anyway because we don’t know who those women are necessarily.
Right, but in my case I wasn’t on any progesterone for nearly four weeks so could I have been one of those women?
[Here is where our RE generally makes odd faces and grunts while he tries to come up with an answer and generally ends up just repeating himself]
So if we did another IVF cycle what would you do differently there?
Same thing as the embryo adoption: uterine irritation, Folgard, increased progesterone and assisted hatching. [way to read our record because we did that this time!] You could also take DHEA at 50 mg.
Wouldn’t you want to test my testosterone levels first?
No, you certainly wouldn’t have high testosterone [Red flag for me here ladies because from what I've read you should never give it without testing first!]
So you wouldn’t change up the stimulation at all?
No other than maybe give you another 75 units of stims.
When we had a follicle check by Dr. S, he asked if we were on a combination Clomid/Injectable regimen?
I would not do that. There isn't enough proof that it helps.
At this point I was completely done. I feel like the deadhorse in the proverbial saying and he has the whip. Seriously, what more can you get out of me using the same protocol every time! We basically ended the meeting with him telling us to take some time to come up with a plan on what we want to do next.
Afterward, Hammer and I sat in the car for a bit to talk and absorb everything. While we did not come up with a plan, we did both agree that we were done with this RE. Hammer himself said that he didn't feel our RE understood how to help couples that fall outside of the norm like us. Finally! He sees what I see!!! We did discuss getting a second opinion at a clinic an hour and a half away (and that was Hammer suggesting this too!) but we're not moving ahead with that right now. Although we have learned that this clinic basically takes the patients that ours cannot get pregnant and need more unique, individualized protocols. Honestly it's not a given that this will happen but Hammer is more open to still trying after the most recent events. I think now I understand why I felt unresolved about ending treatment before. I was so frustrated at why I could not feel resolved about our treatments coming to an end and ready to move forward with adoption. I felt a bit of jealously for people who had this clear direction that I was lacking. I'm not sure what God is doing right now, why he allowed this pregnancy to happen and end the way that it did. The way is not much clearer than before and we are still praying for direction but we do feel that we are closer than ever to figuring things out.
******
We met with our RE regarding all the thrombophilia blood work I had done and everything came back as normal except one: MTHFR A1298C heterozygous. Apparently if you have to have one, this is the one to have. Yea me. And we never would have known about it if I hadn’t pushed for the test. Seriously, we are our own best advocates.
So what does this mean? Well it could effect implantation as well as clots that could have cut off blood flow to the baby. Although our RE is in the camp of Drs that only partially believe that it’s a problem so he wasn’t much help there. Honestly being back in that clinic talking with a Dr. that I have lost my trust in was so emotional for me. And to top it all off, as the RE was going through my results he absent mindedly pulled out our last ultrasound photos to get them out of the way while reviewing our chart and left them right there IN FRONT OF ME. So the whole time I had to stare at these pictures. Who does that?!?! I was really too emotional to talk and Hammer asked most of the questions, he did a really good job speaking for us. Here are some of the questions and answers we got back:
So do you think the MTHFR is part of our issues?
Not necessarily but I would put you on Folgard in the future.
So then as far as a possible embryo adoption cycle, would you do anything different?
I’d irritate the uterine lining because it might help with implantation although we generally use that for women who cannot conceive and you have proven that you can. It would really just be prophylactic since I think it might be an implantation issue. I’d also do the folgard as discussed and increase the progesterone.
Interesting that you would increase the progesterone. Do you think that this was our issue since the progesterone was 6?
No, your corpus luetum at that point in time was gone and the placenta should have taken over in the progesterone production so that’s probably why it was low.
So you don’t think that the progesterone could have been low the entire time due to an IVF cycle where you needed to give me progesterone thus causing a potential clot and preventing the placenta from functioning correctly?
Well most women don’t even need progesterone but we give it anyway because we don’t know who those women are necessarily.
Right, but in my case I wasn’t on any progesterone for nearly four weeks so could I have been one of those women?
[Here is where our RE generally makes odd faces and grunts while he tries to come up with an answer and generally ends up just repeating himself]
So if we did another IVF cycle what would you do differently there?
Same thing as the embryo adoption: uterine irritation, Folgard, increased progesterone and assisted hatching. [way to read our record because we did that this time!] You could also take DHEA at 50 mg.
Wouldn’t you want to test my testosterone levels first?
No, you certainly wouldn’t have high testosterone [Red flag for me here ladies because from what I've read you should never give it without testing first!]
So you wouldn’t change up the stimulation at all?
No other than maybe give you another 75 units of stims.
When we had a follicle check by Dr. S, he asked if we were on a combination Clomid/Injectable regimen?
I would not do that. There isn't enough proof that it helps.
At this point I was completely done. I feel like the deadhorse in the proverbial saying and he has the whip. Seriously, what more can you get out of me using the same protocol every time! We basically ended the meeting with him telling us to take some time to come up with a plan on what we want to do next.
Afterward, Hammer and I sat in the car for a bit to talk and absorb everything. While we did not come up with a plan, we did both agree that we were done with this RE. Hammer himself said that he didn't feel our RE understood how to help couples that fall outside of the norm like us. Finally! He sees what I see!!! We did discuss getting a second opinion at a clinic an hour and a half away (and that was Hammer suggesting this too!) but we're not moving ahead with that right now. Although we have learned that this clinic basically takes the patients that ours cannot get pregnant and need more unique, individualized protocols. Honestly it's not a given that this will happen but Hammer is more open to still trying after the most recent events. I think now I understand why I felt unresolved about ending treatment before. I was so frustrated at why I could not feel resolved about our treatments coming to an end and ready to move forward with adoption. I felt a bit of jealously for people who had this clear direction that I was lacking. I'm not sure what God is doing right now, why he allowed this pregnancy to happen and end the way that it did. The way is not much clearer than before and we are still praying for direction but we do feel that we are closer than ever to figuring things out.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day By Day
That’s how I’ve taken things, one day at a time. The first few days were spent very tearful and I was thankful to still be at the beach where I could just ‘be’ and hide my red swollen eyes behind sunglasses. On the way home we stopped to visit one of my husband’s best friends. When they get together it’s a non-stop laughing session. And we needed it. We needed to laugh so hard at the dumbest things until our sides hurt, until it hurt to breathe, until we cried because for the last few days these things were brought on by sorrow and not laughter. We needed laughter.
During the drive home we tried to talk about ‘what next’ because it’s helpful to me but not for Hammer. He needed time and I needed to plan and the discussions were not productive. So we had to back off. I found it more difficult to handle the emotions now that we were headed home. Its one thing to lie on a beach and accept the outcome but it’s another to have to head back to your life and realize that it will not include a pregnancy and a child of our own.
We both took the day after our return off of work to recover, do laundry and catch up on things. It was also an intentional day off just in case things didn’t go ‘as planned’, which they didn’t, and I thought I would need an extra day to just absorb everything that had happened. At work I put on a ‘happy face’ and gushed about the perfect weather, kayaking in the ocean, watching dolphins, everything except the most important thing because I keep my work life separate from my personal. On my first two days back I had to conduct a training for about 20 staff. It’s one I do twice a year so I know it like the back of my hand and it was so good for me to not have time to think and to just be busy.
And so we’ve kept busy by having dinner with friends, seeing local music, attending fall parties; anything and everything so we don’t have to think about what could have been. I’ve gone four days without crying. I’ve held newborn babies. I’ve laughed. I’ve eaten sushi and drank wine. But I don’t feel free. I thought that after it was over that I’d feel ready to move on to something new that held more promise of expanding our family. Maybe I just need more time. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t explain it.
Hammer and I have talked some more now that we’ve assimilated back into our regular schedules. There is just one last piece that both of us want to pursue. Hammer has never been evaluated for MFI. After all this time (4 years!) we’ve had mixed opinions by our doctors on is or is he not affected by MFI. His first SA showed him just above the cut off for normal. His first three IUI post washes were a dismal 11, 13 & 17 million. And of course, let’s not forget his DNA frag at 48%. We did find out that after vitaminizing the heck out of him he posted a prewash of 100 mil and a post wash of 56 mil. But clearly whatever is affecting the DNA is making a viable pregnancy impossible. So we’d like to at least have someone check to see if there is something that can be corrected. Even if we are going to be pursing adoption that does not mean that we’re not going to be praying for a miracle so why not at least check things out. This means that we’ll also be looking into a urologist in our area that specializes in MFI just to make sure that we haven’t missed anything. We will also have our last WTF(lip) appointment on the 11th where we hope to find out more about our clinic’s embryo donation program, get a copy of our records and find out if they have recommendations for a referral for Hammer.
But for right now my goal is five days without crying.
During the drive home we tried to talk about ‘what next’ because it’s helpful to me but not for Hammer. He needed time and I needed to plan and the discussions were not productive. So we had to back off. I found it more difficult to handle the emotions now that we were headed home. Its one thing to lie on a beach and accept the outcome but it’s another to have to head back to your life and realize that it will not include a pregnancy and a child of our own.
We both took the day after our return off of work to recover, do laundry and catch up on things. It was also an intentional day off just in case things didn’t go ‘as planned’, which they didn’t, and I thought I would need an extra day to just absorb everything that had happened. At work I put on a ‘happy face’ and gushed about the perfect weather, kayaking in the ocean, watching dolphins, everything except the most important thing because I keep my work life separate from my personal. On my first two days back I had to conduct a training for about 20 staff. It’s one I do twice a year so I know it like the back of my hand and it was so good for me to not have time to think and to just be busy.
And so we’ve kept busy by having dinner with friends, seeing local music, attending fall parties; anything and everything so we don’t have to think about what could have been. I’ve gone four days without crying. I’ve held newborn babies. I’ve laughed. I’ve eaten sushi and drank wine. But I don’t feel free. I thought that after it was over that I’d feel ready to move on to something new that held more promise of expanding our family. Maybe I just need more time. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t explain it.
Hammer and I have talked some more now that we’ve assimilated back into our regular schedules. There is just one last piece that both of us want to pursue. Hammer has never been evaluated for MFI. After all this time (4 years!) we’ve had mixed opinions by our doctors on is or is he not affected by MFI. His first SA showed him just above the cut off for normal. His first three IUI post washes were a dismal 11, 13 & 17 million. And of course, let’s not forget his DNA frag at 48%. We did find out that after vitaminizing the heck out of him he posted a prewash of 100 mil and a post wash of 56 mil. But clearly whatever is affecting the DNA is making a viable pregnancy impossible. So we’d like to at least have someone check to see if there is something that can be corrected. Even if we are going to be pursing adoption that does not mean that we’re not going to be praying for a miracle so why not at least check things out. This means that we’ll also be looking into a urologist in our area that specializes in MFI just to make sure that we haven’t missed anything. We will also have our last WTF(lip) appointment on the 11th where we hope to find out more about our clinic’s embryo donation program, get a copy of our records and find out if they have recommendations for a referral for Hammer.
But for right now my goal is five days without crying.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Many Thanks
I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers of comfort. We are, obviously, heart broken. It's so frustrating to have done all of these treatments only to end with such certain finality. I know that our issues with high DNA fragmentation make this situation a more likely outcome but it does not decrease the pain of another failure.
While we will be taking some time to recover we will be moving on to adoption, possibly embryo adoption/donation and/or traditional domestic adoption. Of course, just because you stop fertility treatments does not mean to stop trying and praying for a natural miracle. We'll be exploring some other natural options as the adoption process can be long. We have sp.erm and I do ovulate on my own so maybe with time we'll eventually have the right sperm meet the right egg...that is what happened with Hammer. It took his parents 14 years before they conceived him and I can tell you that they were definitely not putting forth nearly as much effort as we have been.
This blog will not end it will just change a bit. I welcome you all to follow along with us as we continue to walk down this long and winding road to becoming parents. You have been such a support system for me that I could not imagine continuing on this journey with out all of you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Mr & Mrs Hammer
While we will be taking some time to recover we will be moving on to adoption, possibly embryo adoption/donation and/or traditional domestic adoption. Of course, just because you stop fertility treatments does not mean to stop trying and praying for a natural miracle. We'll be exploring some other natural options as the adoption process can be long. We have sp.erm and I do ovulate on my own so maybe with time we'll eventually have the right sperm meet the right egg...that is what happened with Hammer. It took his parents 14 years before they conceived him and I can tell you that they were definitely not putting forth nearly as much effort as we have been.
This blog will not end it will just change a bit. I welcome you all to follow along with us as we continue to walk down this long and winding road to becoming parents. You have been such a support system for me that I could not imagine continuing on this journey with out all of you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Mr & Mrs Hammer
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Déjà vu – of the crappy kind
*Before I start, I am well aware this is early but my past IVF cycles have shown that what I see on scan #1 is what I see at retrieval.*
After my first follie check this cycle is looking just like cycle #1. Hammer and I are literally preparing ourselves and praying over if we have to make the decision to cancel and convert to an IUI. It would be cheaper since at this point we are only out ~$50 bucks in meds, ~60 bucks in u/s, and ~$400 in acupuncture treatments.
I have no idea what could be going wrong! With the first cycle I thought maybe it was a combination of my messing up the stim medication + being overly suppressed. But now I just realized that for all of my normal FSH & AMH, I’m just a poor responder. And that is wholly dishartening. I’m trying not to get discouraged yet at this point but our past IVFs just hang over my head.
I’m on an insane amount of Bravelle (450IU/d) + microdose lupron (40u/d) and here are my results:
R – 9mm, 8.5mm, 7mm
L – 8mm, 8mm, 7mm, 6mm
Lining = 5mm
7 total follicles, just like cycle #1 which ended up with a lead follicle and we only retrieved 3 mature ones. And this is less than the second cycle which went better but ended in a m/c.
For a comparison here is where I was at for the last two cycles on the same day:
Cycle #1 versus Cycle #2
R – 1-13mm, 3 -<10mm R – 12mm, 10x2mm, 9mm, 8mm
L- 2 -<10mm L – 12mm, 11.5mm, 9mm, 8mm
Lining = 6.5mm Lining – 7mm
This is why we are preparing ourselves for a possible IUI conversion. Since all the money is in the retrieval it would be better to call it off before that happens. We will just have to wait until Saturday to see what u/s #2 shows us from there we will be closer to a decision. In the best case scenario we have lots of extra little ones pop up that will possibly be in the running and so we would continue on based upon their best guess at a mature egg count. But worst case would be lead follicles and we would most likely convert to IUI. Now that our pharmaceutical plan has IVF med coverage it puts us in a place where we could talk about doing a 4th cycle if we have to cancel this one but we’ll cross that bridge if we have too. Right now we just need prayer for us to make good decisions based upon the results of our u/s over the next few days.
The only redeeming result of today is that my E2 was 282 which is the best it's ever been. Although on average most women are around 500 by day five of stims. In previous cycles I was 107 (#1) and 195 (#2). So either that means I have a few more lurking around or that I'm just having a higher E2 because of all the meds. Your guess is as good as mine.
After my first follie check this cycle is looking just like cycle #1. Hammer and I are literally preparing ourselves and praying over if we have to make the decision to cancel and convert to an IUI. It would be cheaper since at this point we are only out ~$50 bucks in meds, ~60 bucks in u/s, and ~$400 in acupuncture treatments.
I have no idea what could be going wrong! With the first cycle I thought maybe it was a combination of my messing up the stim medication + being overly suppressed. But now I just realized that for all of my normal FSH & AMH, I’m just a poor responder. And that is wholly dishartening. I’m trying not to get discouraged yet at this point but our past IVFs just hang over my head.
I’m on an insane amount of Bravelle (450IU/d) + microdose lupron (40u/d) and here are my results:
R – 9mm, 8.5mm, 7mm
L – 8mm, 8mm, 7mm, 6mm
Lining = 5mm
7 total follicles, just like cycle #1 which ended up with a lead follicle and we only retrieved 3 mature ones. And this is less than the second cycle which went better but ended in a m/c.
For a comparison here is where I was at for the last two cycles on the same day:
Cycle #1 versus Cycle #2
R – 1-13mm, 3 -<10mm R – 12mm, 10x2mm, 9mm, 8mm
L- 2 -<10mm L – 12mm, 11.5mm, 9mm, 8mm
Lining = 6.5mm Lining – 7mm
This is why we are preparing ourselves for a possible IUI conversion. Since all the money is in the retrieval it would be better to call it off before that happens. We will just have to wait until Saturday to see what u/s #2 shows us from there we will be closer to a decision. In the best case scenario we have lots of extra little ones pop up that will possibly be in the running and so we would continue on based upon their best guess at a mature egg count. But worst case would be lead follicles and we would most likely convert to IUI. Now that our pharmaceutical plan has IVF med coverage it puts us in a place where we could talk about doing a 4th cycle if we have to cancel this one but we’ll cross that bridge if we have too. Right now we just need prayer for us to make good decisions based upon the results of our u/s over the next few days.
The only redeeming result of today is that my E2 was 282 which is the best it's ever been. Although on average most women are around 500 by day five of stims. In previous cycles I was 107 (#1) and 195 (#2). So either that means I have a few more lurking around or that I'm just having a higher E2 because of all the meds. Your guess is as good as mine.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Whoaaaaaaaaa Nelly!
Soooo, today was crazy. Actually that would be an understatement. Let me back up a bit.
On Saturday I was expecting AF to arrive but she decided to be fashionably late and show up on Sunday instead. I can deal with being one day off. So I called my IVF nurse and let them know. But for whatever reason I didn't hear from them until today which is unusual. So of course I was a bit panicky that the reason they hadn't called me back is that I left the wrong number so I left another message.
When I heard back from them the RN told me that my protocol would be 7 weeks in length with retrieval in the first full week of July. And here is where things got a bit messy. You see July is not a good time for me as I review grants which are due the day of my estimated transfer. The protocol told to me back in January was totally different and I had planned everything around it. So when I heard a different protocol I started shaking and crying on the phone. The RN was wonderful and figured out that what was told to me was the micro-dose lupron protocol without BCPs. My RE just wanted to include BCP to ensure I did not have a cyst. So the RN started asking me about my last two cycles and said that we might be able to just skip the BCP and jump to stimming. But that would mean I would start stimming this Wednesday. At first I thought, "Great, let’s just get right to it," and told her to go ahead. But then when I hung up the phone and talked to Hammer he was hesitant and reminded me that I would not be able to do accupunture. He made a valid point that since this was our last cycle that we needed to have no regrets.
But then the pharmacy called and I had to hang up with Hammer to answer their call. At first I started to give them all my information and then I stopped and asked if I could call them back. I then called the RN and told her about our misgivings but she is so darn convincing. She told me to take 5-10 minutes to talk to Hammer about it and then call me back. But I couldn’t get a hold of Hammer and the pharmacy needed to get the order in so in a moment of weakness I agreed to do it again, completely forgetting about what Hammer and I talked about, I even scheduled an u/s for today to see if I had any cysts! I called the pharmacy back who scheduled to deliver my micro-dose lupron to the clinic. So pending any cysts, all was set for retrieval on May 4th and a transfer on May 10th or so I thought.
I had to leave work a few minutes early to make it to the u/s but on the way I started to have strong misgivings. I realized that if we went forward with this I would have regrets because I wouldn’t have been able to do acupuncture like I wanted and this was all moving so fast which was stressful. Hammer and I had decided that since this was our last cycle we didn’t want to have any regrets and here I was driving to an appointment that had me riddled with regret.
So as I sat there, on the exam table, pantless in my paper frock, waiting for my RE to come in I made a decision. When he came in I told him I was ‘chickening out’ and explained about how this was so fast and that there were preparations that we wouldn’t be able to do and that would leave us with regrets if it didn’t work. And really even if we did the u/s and he found a cyst we’d still have to do the long version anyway so maybe we should just stick with the original plan which is less stressful and without regret and with that I slapped my legs in a playful way and said, “And we need this to work!” And my RE’s response was, “Dammit, that’s right!”
So I think my clinic RNs must believe I’m completely neurotic but I feel much better and appreciate that at least my RE agrees that we need to do everything we can to make this cycle work. So today I should get my revised schedule from the IVF RN. I will start my BCP tomorrow which will run from 5/25-6/14; I’ll only take ~3 day of lupron before starting stims which means it’s about 1-1 ½ weeks shorter than the long lupron cycle. I’ll update my IVF schedule on the right bar after I get my official schedule.
On Saturday I was expecting AF to arrive but she decided to be fashionably late and show up on Sunday instead. I can deal with being one day off. So I called my IVF nurse and let them know. But for whatever reason I didn't hear from them until today which is unusual. So of course I was a bit panicky that the reason they hadn't called me back is that I left the wrong number so I left another message.
When I heard back from them the RN told me that my protocol would be 7 weeks in length with retrieval in the first full week of July. And here is where things got a bit messy. You see July is not a good time for me as I review grants which are due the day of my estimated transfer. The protocol told to me back in January was totally different and I had planned everything around it. So when I heard a different protocol I started shaking and crying on the phone. The RN was wonderful and figured out that what was told to me was the micro-dose lupron protocol without BCPs. My RE just wanted to include BCP to ensure I did not have a cyst. So the RN started asking me about my last two cycles and said that we might be able to just skip the BCP and jump to stimming. But that would mean I would start stimming this Wednesday. At first I thought, "Great, let’s just get right to it," and told her to go ahead. But then when I hung up the phone and talked to Hammer he was hesitant and reminded me that I would not be able to do accupunture. He made a valid point that since this was our last cycle that we needed to have no regrets.
But then the pharmacy called and I had to hang up with Hammer to answer their call. At first I started to give them all my information and then I stopped and asked if I could call them back. I then called the RN and told her about our misgivings but she is so darn convincing. She told me to take 5-10 minutes to talk to Hammer about it and then call me back. But I couldn’t get a hold of Hammer and the pharmacy needed to get the order in so in a moment of weakness I agreed to do it again, completely forgetting about what Hammer and I talked about, I even scheduled an u/s for today to see if I had any cysts! I called the pharmacy back who scheduled to deliver my micro-dose lupron to the clinic. So pending any cysts, all was set for retrieval on May 4th and a transfer on May 10th or so I thought.
I had to leave work a few minutes early to make it to the u/s but on the way I started to have strong misgivings. I realized that if we went forward with this I would have regrets because I wouldn’t have been able to do acupuncture like I wanted and this was all moving so fast which was stressful. Hammer and I had decided that since this was our last cycle we didn’t want to have any regrets and here I was driving to an appointment that had me riddled with regret.
So as I sat there, on the exam table, pantless in my paper frock, waiting for my RE to come in I made a decision. When he came in I told him I was ‘chickening out’ and explained about how this was so fast and that there were preparations that we wouldn’t be able to do and that would leave us with regrets if it didn’t work. And really even if we did the u/s and he found a cyst we’d still have to do the long version anyway so maybe we should just stick with the original plan which is less stressful and without regret and with that I slapped my legs in a playful way and said, “And we need this to work!” And my RE’s response was, “Dammit, that’s right!”
So I think my clinic RNs must believe I’m completely neurotic but I feel much better and appreciate that at least my RE agrees that we need to do everything we can to make this cycle work. So today I should get my revised schedule from the IVF RN. I will start my BCP tomorrow which will run from 5/25-6/14; I’ll only take ~3 day of lupron before starting stims which means it’s about 1-1 ½ weeks shorter than the long lupron cycle. I’ll update my IVF schedule on the right bar after I get my official schedule.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
One
Last Thursday my IVF countdown showed this:
One month away. At this point, it could not come fast enough. I am about to start my second to last period before IVF. These last few weeks have been crazy and difficult. Literally everyone I know is expecting. At work one of my coworkers who has an 18 month old just announce she is expecting...twins, natural twins. On top of three other pregnancy announcements. I have never felt more left behind than ever before.
Last week as my ticker clicked down to the one month mark and I was days away from my second to last period before IVF I had a total crying meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a very, very long time. I cried because this nearly four year long journey has literally taken it's toll on me. I'm so tired both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally. When Hammer stated that he only wanted to try IVF one more time I was sad thinking about the what-ifs of not putting a cap on attempts. But now as our last cycle looms before us it's almost a relief that no matter what happens change will come.
I have continued to see our chiropractor and while we haven't experienced pregnancy (as they were so convinced that this would be the cure) I have had some other relief from pain. As I was lying there on the table he told me that I have an energy about me, that he could sense something was going to happen. Later that same week I had a coworker tell me a very similar thing. I think maybe it's because June will be that turning point for us. Either we get pregnant or we don't and we move forward for the first time in four years. We've been stuck on this infertility treatment detour for way to long. I've been mentally chewing on several options which I think is good because that way I have a healthy focus on an alternate future if things don't go well. Part of that future involves a possible job promotion and going back to school which I'm going to go for regardless of IVF outcome. Here are my options:
A. Apply for promotion & get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
B. Apply for promotion & don't get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
C. Apply for promotion & get it, not prego, go back to school for prerequisites, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
D. Apply for promotion & don't get it, not prego, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
So clearly there is change on the horizon. I didn't want to get into all the boring details but it's a summary. I have wanted to go back to school for some time but because of having to stay at my job for retirement reasons (state retirement plan) for at least five years AND it being nearly impossible to try to do my job (which includes travel), plus treatments, plus school - we focused on job &; treatments first. I think throwing myself into school for a new career will help with the long adoption wait time as well, which is our baby plan B. I know that if this cycle does not work I will need some time to mourn and I will do that. But I also needed to know that if an alternate future is a head of us that I have a focus and a hope waiting and that the world will not end in June.
On a side note, my ex-friend became an issue last week as well. Our bible study had lost a few members from people moving out of state and so our leader when to a bible study meeting that was to help people get connected into a group. Apparently the ex-friend was there and was looking for a group to join. Unbeknownst to our leader, she had spoke to him about joining. Later that day we were hanging out with our leader (R) and his wife (J), who happen to be the other couple in our group dealing with infertility. He mentioned who he had spoken to and that they were likely to join. I wasn't sure what to say because I don't want to be that person who bad-mouths about other people. But later in the conversation with J, she asked about ex-friend because they knew we were 'friends' with them and if ex-friend was nice etc. I ended up telling her about the issue we had with them and that I didn't know if she should join our group especially since there are two other women, besides myself, dealing with infertility. R & J were great about the whole thing. Aside from being shocked about what she said and totally agreeing with our decisions about their public behavior and cutting off friendship; they made sure that ex-friend was connected into another group. It was such a relief to the both of us and continues to solidify for us that God has put us into this new church community and bible study and we are so excited about our new group of friends who are already showing us support and love.
**Sorry for the long delay in posting as we were out of town this past week cleaning out Hammer's dad's house and moving his stuff into our basement. It was not a fun week but it does close another chapter for us.
One month away. At this point, it could not come fast enough. I am about to start my second to last period before IVF. These last few weeks have been crazy and difficult. Literally everyone I know is expecting. At work one of my coworkers who has an 18 month old just announce she is expecting...twins, natural twins. On top of three other pregnancy announcements. I have never felt more left behind than ever before.
Last week as my ticker clicked down to the one month mark and I was days away from my second to last period before IVF I had a total crying meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a very, very long time. I cried because this nearly four year long journey has literally taken it's toll on me. I'm so tired both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally. When Hammer stated that he only wanted to try IVF one more time I was sad thinking about the what-ifs of not putting a cap on attempts. But now as our last cycle looms before us it's almost a relief that no matter what happens change will come.
I have continued to see our chiropractor and while we haven't experienced pregnancy (as they were so convinced that this would be the cure) I have had some other relief from pain. As I was lying there on the table he told me that I have an energy about me, that he could sense something was going to happen. Later that same week I had a coworker tell me a very similar thing. I think maybe it's because June will be that turning point for us. Either we get pregnant or we don't and we move forward for the first time in four years. We've been stuck on this infertility treatment detour for way to long. I've been mentally chewing on several options which I think is good because that way I have a healthy focus on an alternate future if things don't go well. Part of that future involves a possible job promotion and going back to school which I'm going to go for regardless of IVF outcome. Here are my options:
A. Apply for promotion & get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
B. Apply for promotion & don't get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
C. Apply for promotion & get it, not prego, go back to school for prerequisites, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
D. Apply for promotion & don't get it, not prego, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
So clearly there is change on the horizon. I didn't want to get into all the boring details but it's a summary. I have wanted to go back to school for some time but because of having to stay at my job for retirement reasons (state retirement plan) for at least five years AND it being nearly impossible to try to do my job (which includes travel), plus treatments, plus school - we focused on job &; treatments first. I think throwing myself into school for a new career will help with the long adoption wait time as well, which is our baby plan B. I know that if this cycle does not work I will need some time to mourn and I will do that. But I also needed to know that if an alternate future is a head of us that I have a focus and a hope waiting and that the world will not end in June.
On a side note, my ex-friend became an issue last week as well. Our bible study had lost a few members from people moving out of state and so our leader when to a bible study meeting that was to help people get connected into a group. Apparently the ex-friend was there and was looking for a group to join. Unbeknownst to our leader, she had spoke to him about joining. Later that day we were hanging out with our leader (R) and his wife (J), who happen to be the other couple in our group dealing with infertility. He mentioned who he had spoken to and that they were likely to join. I wasn't sure what to say because I don't want to be that person who bad-mouths about other people. But later in the conversation with J, she asked about ex-friend because they knew we were 'friends' with them and if ex-friend was nice etc. I ended up telling her about the issue we had with them and that I didn't know if she should join our group especially since there are two other women, besides myself, dealing with infertility. R & J were great about the whole thing. Aside from being shocked about what she said and totally agreeing with our decisions about their public behavior and cutting off friendship; they made sure that ex-friend was connected into another group. It was such a relief to the both of us and continues to solidify for us that God has put us into this new church community and bible study and we are so excited about our new group of friends who are already showing us support and love.
**Sorry for the long delay in posting as we were out of town this past week cleaning out Hammer's dad's house and moving his stuff into our basement. It was not a fun week but it does close another chapter for us.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Cutting All Ties
So for those of you who follow my blog, you might remember my friend who got pregnant during the time I was miscarrying. She had been diagnosed with PCOS back when she was a teenager and had been on BCPs ever since. I said she wasn’t a ‘true infertile’ because she had never gone through infertility with her husband but only had the possibility because of her condition. It's not true infertility when you are told you have PCOS as a teenager and then get pregnant on the first try. She never went through months of failed cycles and treatments. Just jumped in the sack on a chance that she was ovulating and *BAM* pregnant.
I had remained supportive of her even though we chose not to go to Chic.ago for NYE with them as it was too soon after our loss. But apparently she has harbored some strange issue with me and it finally came out last week.
I had planned a dinner out with her because I needed to talk to her about an issue I was having regarding a pattern with her behavior in a public setting. She is one of those people who live in an environment of conflict. Everywhere she goes she creates conflict although she is completely oblivious of it and can’t see that maybe she is actually the problem and not everyone else. There is no filter on her tongue so she says whatever she feels regardless of how it might affect another person. (Actually that is a direct quote from her lips!)
I knew that this might be a difficult discussion because she ‘fights dirty.’ I’ve learned this through her sharing about fights she has with her spouse. And this is not one-on-one conversations with me. She will talk in a large group of people about fights that they have where she will slam, lock and barricade doors or throw his cloths out of the window etc. And the thing that bothers me the most is that she says it with pride, like she is proud that she behaves this way. She is so degrading to her husband in these conversations that people have asked Hammer and I if their marriage is O.K. Which I suppose makes sense because the last fight they got into was about the “That’s what she said joke” where she balled him out in front of all of his friends for saying it and then later she told me they fought over it where she eventually exclaimed that she did not want to be married to him. All over a stupid joke. And of course she shared that story with anyone who was within earshot.
So why am I going into detail about this? Because this is the subject I had to talk to her about. The fact that she is sharing details of her marriage in a non-constructive format in a large public setting and it’s making some people uncomfortable. I totally support sharing issues with people you are seeking input, guidance or counsel from but this is different. She is almost taking pleasure in sharing her stories because I think she likes the ‘shock factor.’ I’ve called her out a couple of times in the middle of her stories to ask if she really behaved that way and caught her in blatant exaggerations which leads me to believe that she’s really just doing most of the talking for the response that she gets from others – still wrong!
So since I was approached a number of times by other people along with having our own concerns I decided that it was time to talk. I kept the conversation strictly to people being made to feel uncomfortable about her non-constructive speech in a group setting. That way I wouldn’t be overstepping my bounds. And that’s when she dropped the unforgivable bomb.
In a statement totally unrelated to what we were talking about she said the following:
“You know I thought that you and I would be on this infertility journey together but I’ve realized now that I am pregnant that we have nothing in common.”
I remember it like it just happened. I will never forget it. Hammer even questioned if maybe I misunderstood her. Oh no. Believe me. I remember ever single word; every inflection in her voice. It was the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.
And she said it just to be cruel. Just to cut me at my deepest most vulnerable point. She said it to get the upper hand in the conversation. But it didn’t work. I think I handled it gracefully. I simply ignored it and kept on addressing the real issue at hand. To have addressed it would have derailed the conversation and given her control but I would not let her have her victory. I could tell by the look on her face that she was floundering, her tactic hadn’t worked and she was still stuck having to face the original conversation that brought us there.
When I got into my car and was heading home I just started bawling. I have never met someone so intentionally mean but yet with no remorse for the consequences of her actions. I knew at that moment that she had cause irreparable damage. Our friendship was over. But at the same time I realized what she said was true but just not regarding the fact that she is now pregnant. We really do not have anything in common because I now see who she truly is and I don’t want someone like that in my life. She is intentionally mean, caustic, and bitter. I found out later that this is not the first time someone has talked to her about her behavior before but because she does not feel any conviction from the Lord to change, she hasn’t. That confuses me. I have had people talk to me saying that I was too blunt and it bothered them. I didn’t feel conviction over it but because it had hurt someone, out of respect for them I made an effort to be more sensitive. You don’t need conviction to change; you just need some decency and a dose of respect for other fellow human beings. Seriously, that has to be the most pathetic excuse for poor behavior.
The sad thing is that it might affect Hammer’s relationship with her husband. They were friends first and ‘us wives’ were just introduced. Other than being friends for the sake of Hammer, I have no reason to continue on. Fortunately Hammer is 100% supportive of my decision to cut my ties with her. He has even defended me in a recent conversation between himself and her husband regarding the issue. It was interesting to hear it from his perspective because, not surprisingly, she left out a few things – like the evil statement! And when Hammer set the record straight and told her husband about it he was livid with his wife and totally shocked that she would say something like that to me. (Apparently infertility is a personal issue for her husband as well because his sister had to do IVF) So I don’t think this issue is over quite yet but at least for me I have no desire to reconcile with her. Do you blame me?
I had remained supportive of her even though we chose not to go to Chic.ago for NYE with them as it was too soon after our loss. But apparently she has harbored some strange issue with me and it finally came out last week.
I had planned a dinner out with her because I needed to talk to her about an issue I was having regarding a pattern with her behavior in a public setting. She is one of those people who live in an environment of conflict. Everywhere she goes she creates conflict although she is completely oblivious of it and can’t see that maybe she is actually the problem and not everyone else. There is no filter on her tongue so she says whatever she feels regardless of how it might affect another person. (Actually that is a direct quote from her lips!)
I knew that this might be a difficult discussion because she ‘fights dirty.’ I’ve learned this through her sharing about fights she has with her spouse. And this is not one-on-one conversations with me. She will talk in a large group of people about fights that they have where she will slam, lock and barricade doors or throw his cloths out of the window etc. And the thing that bothers me the most is that she says it with pride, like she is proud that she behaves this way. She is so degrading to her husband in these conversations that people have asked Hammer and I if their marriage is O.K. Which I suppose makes sense because the last fight they got into was about the “That’s what she said joke” where she balled him out in front of all of his friends for saying it and then later she told me they fought over it where she eventually exclaimed that she did not want to be married to him. All over a stupid joke. And of course she shared that story with anyone who was within earshot.
So why am I going into detail about this? Because this is the subject I had to talk to her about. The fact that she is sharing details of her marriage in a non-constructive format in a large public setting and it’s making some people uncomfortable. I totally support sharing issues with people you are seeking input, guidance or counsel from but this is different. She is almost taking pleasure in sharing her stories because I think she likes the ‘shock factor.’ I’ve called her out a couple of times in the middle of her stories to ask if she really behaved that way and caught her in blatant exaggerations which leads me to believe that she’s really just doing most of the talking for the response that she gets from others – still wrong!
So since I was approached a number of times by other people along with having our own concerns I decided that it was time to talk. I kept the conversation strictly to people being made to feel uncomfortable about her non-constructive speech in a group setting. That way I wouldn’t be overstepping my bounds. And that’s when she dropped the unforgivable bomb.
In a statement totally unrelated to what we were talking about she said the following:
“You know I thought that you and I would be on this infertility journey together but I’ve realized now that I am pregnant that we have nothing in common.”
I remember it like it just happened. I will never forget it. Hammer even questioned if maybe I misunderstood her. Oh no. Believe me. I remember ever single word; every inflection in her voice. It was the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.
And she said it just to be cruel. Just to cut me at my deepest most vulnerable point. She said it to get the upper hand in the conversation. But it didn’t work. I think I handled it gracefully. I simply ignored it and kept on addressing the real issue at hand. To have addressed it would have derailed the conversation and given her control but I would not let her have her victory. I could tell by the look on her face that she was floundering, her tactic hadn’t worked and she was still stuck having to face the original conversation that brought us there.
When I got into my car and was heading home I just started bawling. I have never met someone so intentionally mean but yet with no remorse for the consequences of her actions. I knew at that moment that she had cause irreparable damage. Our friendship was over. But at the same time I realized what she said was true but just not regarding the fact that she is now pregnant. We really do not have anything in common because I now see who she truly is and I don’t want someone like that in my life. She is intentionally mean, caustic, and bitter. I found out later that this is not the first time someone has talked to her about her behavior before but because she does not feel any conviction from the Lord to change, she hasn’t. That confuses me. I have had people talk to me saying that I was too blunt and it bothered them. I didn’t feel conviction over it but because it had hurt someone, out of respect for them I made an effort to be more sensitive. You don’t need conviction to change; you just need some decency and a dose of respect for other fellow human beings. Seriously, that has to be the most pathetic excuse for poor behavior.
The sad thing is that it might affect Hammer’s relationship with her husband. They were friends first and ‘us wives’ were just introduced. Other than being friends for the sake of Hammer, I have no reason to continue on. Fortunately Hammer is 100% supportive of my decision to cut my ties with her. He has even defended me in a recent conversation between himself and her husband regarding the issue. It was interesting to hear it from his perspective because, not surprisingly, she left out a few things – like the evil statement! And when Hammer set the record straight and told her husband about it he was livid with his wife and totally shocked that she would say something like that to me. (Apparently infertility is a personal issue for her husband as well because his sister had to do IVF) So I don’t think this issue is over quite yet but at least for me I have no desire to reconcile with her. Do you blame me?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Free
Mid-January Hammer and I decided to join a church plant that split off of our church. It was an intentional church plant that was sent out to reach young adults in their late twenties and thirties. We were really excited about the opportunity and God has really been blessing the church. Our opening Sunday we had 450 people! We are creating a great community of people which is a void that had been lacking at our old church.
For the lent season our church decided to do a bible study series called Free. They had everyone in the church divide up by the day of the week they were available to meet. This is a great way for everyone to meet more people in the church and develop an even deeper community. There was a bit of pre-meeting workbook preparation. As I went through it I realized that the underlying theme of what was preventing true spiritual freedom for me right now was the fact that I was not living my ultimate dream of being a mom and that it made me feel a bit that God was being unfair with me. I told Hammer that I had decided to do two different responses; one for me about our infertility and one that I felt comfortable sharing with the group. I was very clear with Hammer that I wasn't going to be sharing our trial with a group of strangers.
But God must have had a different idea. One of the couples who offered up their home for the group meeting shared that she needed freedom from worry after having suffered from three miscarriages. Afterward I felt strongly compelled to speak to her and thank her for sharing such a difficult and personal trial. And when I did, I found myself tearing up and thanking her for being brave and sharing something that I couldn't. She instantly understood and gave me a huge hug. We ended up staying after everyone else had left to talk to the couple and each share a bit of our infertility trials. Oh the irony that I wanted to remain in my safe, secure space and instead God brought someone into my life to help me live a little bit more free from my burden of infertility.
For the lent season our church decided to do a bible study series called Free. They had everyone in the church divide up by the day of the week they were available to meet. This is a great way for everyone to meet more people in the church and develop an even deeper community. There was a bit of pre-meeting workbook preparation. As I went through it I realized that the underlying theme of what was preventing true spiritual freedom for me right now was the fact that I was not living my ultimate dream of being a mom and that it made me feel a bit that God was being unfair with me. I told Hammer that I had decided to do two different responses; one for me about our infertility and one that I felt comfortable sharing with the group. I was very clear with Hammer that I wasn't going to be sharing our trial with a group of strangers.
But God must have had a different idea. One of the couples who offered up their home for the group meeting shared that she needed freedom from worry after having suffered from three miscarriages. Afterward I felt strongly compelled to speak to her and thank her for sharing such a difficult and personal trial. And when I did, I found myself tearing up and thanking her for being brave and sharing something that I couldn't. She instantly understood and gave me a huge hug. We ended up staying after everyone else had left to talk to the couple and each share a bit of our infertility trials. Oh the irony that I wanted to remain in my safe, secure space and instead God brought someone into my life to help me live a little bit more free from my burden of infertility.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Is it safe to come out yet?
I've been hoping for 2009 to come to a close for the last few weeks. It's been a really rough year and the rough patches are not over yet. Hammer's dad continues to be with us but is very frail. We don't know if we have days, weeks or months ahead of us. Dying from lung disease can be a slow process. I am thankful that hospice is doing their best to keep him comfortable. We had a good visit, he was alert enough for us to talk to him AND he got to see his favorite college football team play and WIN on Friday. We were praying they would win just so that he could see it one more time. We may have to postpone our weekend getaway, understandably so, but he didn't want us to, we'll see.
While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*
This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.
AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.
2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.
While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*
This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.
AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.
2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Self Preservation
I have been making efforts all week to plan for fun things that will be healing. One of them even happened today – a chair massage. Our office wellness committee has a women come in once a month who charges $1 a minute. $15 = 15 minutes of heaven. I didn’t even realize how tight my shoulders were until she attempted to loosen them. Holy sore but now I feel great.
I also got a seasonal flu shot yesterday. Not exactly fun but I had been putting it off with IVF and then the pregnancy. So it was about time. I don’t qualify yet for the swine vaccine but those will open up in the next few weeks for the general public. I figure if I get them now then I won’t have to worry later. Since my job entails clinics with pregnant women, children and babies everywhere it’s a must on many different levels.
Then I booked our January snowy cabin in the woods for JUST US. Won’t this be blissful sitting here…
while the snow falls outside? Can’t wait. BUT it gets better! I have two gift certificates for a local spa that I have yet to use. So what would be better than the morning of our weekend getaway to spend it doing this…
On the m/c front, I had my blood drawn last Thursday which came back negative so now the m/c is complete. So I asked my nurse when I should expect my period and was surprised to hear it would be 4-6 weeks. I had no idea it would take that long but essentially it’s a full cycle once your HCG is gone. It’s likely that I won’t ovulate but some women do, like my cousin-in-law, but I’m thinking I might end up being one of those women. My ovaries are starting to get sore and (TMI) I’ve some very obvious CM going on down there. So we’ll see. I haven’t temped or used an OPK yet just cause I had no idea what to expect with a post m/c cycle but I might run out and get some OPKs.
Hammer and I were finally able to do the sperm DNA testing. That was eventful. We were ‘prepped’ and ready to go for collection last Thursday when it all fell through. We are working with a company who sends you the collection kit and then the day of the collection (which is only done on Tues/Wed/Thur) they are to ship you a perishable transport container filled with dry ice to pack the sample and send back. Both Hammer and I had taken the afternoon off of work because FEDEX priority was to arrive at noon with our ice. Well we were sitting around waiting and the package never arrived. When I called the company the women on the phone could see that I had called twice, spoke with a representative, and that the order had been entered but the person never officially submitted it. We ended up having to reschedule for the 15th so yesterday we took the afternoon off again but this time the package was on time and back on a plane by 5pm. We’ll have to wait 12 days for the results.
In the meantime I’m just focusing on the holidays. So that means peppermint bark, gingerbread cookies and wrapping presents – and counting down the days till our snowy cabin getaway!
I also got a seasonal flu shot yesterday. Not exactly fun but I had been putting it off with IVF and then the pregnancy. So it was about time. I don’t qualify yet for the swine vaccine but those will open up in the next few weeks for the general public. I figure if I get them now then I won’t have to worry later. Since my job entails clinics with pregnant women, children and babies everywhere it’s a must on many different levels.
Then I booked our January snowy cabin in the woods for JUST US. Won’t this be blissful sitting here…
while the snow falls outside? Can’t wait. BUT it gets better! I have two gift certificates for a local spa that I have yet to use. So what would be better than the morning of our weekend getaway to spend it doing this…
On the m/c front, I had my blood drawn last Thursday which came back negative so now the m/c is complete. So I asked my nurse when I should expect my period and was surprised to hear it would be 4-6 weeks. I had no idea it would take that long but essentially it’s a full cycle once your HCG is gone. It’s likely that I won’t ovulate but some women do, like my cousin-in-law, but I’m thinking I might end up being one of those women. My ovaries are starting to get sore and (TMI) I’ve some very obvious CM going on down there. So we’ll see. I haven’t temped or used an OPK yet just cause I had no idea what to expect with a post m/c cycle but I might run out and get some OPKs.
Hammer and I were finally able to do the sperm DNA testing. That was eventful. We were ‘prepped’ and ready to go for collection last Thursday when it all fell through. We are working with a company who sends you the collection kit and then the day of the collection (which is only done on Tues/Wed/Thur) they are to ship you a perishable transport container filled with dry ice to pack the sample and send back. Both Hammer and I had taken the afternoon off of work because FEDEX priority was to arrive at noon with our ice. Well we were sitting around waiting and the package never arrived. When I called the company the women on the phone could see that I had called twice, spoke with a representative, and that the order had been entered but the person never officially submitted it. We ended up having to reschedule for the 15th so yesterday we took the afternoon off again but this time the package was on time and back on a plane by 5pm. We’ll have to wait 12 days for the results.
In the meantime I’m just focusing on the holidays. So that means peppermint bark, gingerbread cookies and wrapping presents – and counting down the days till our snowy cabin getaway!
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Hits, They Keep On Coming
First, thank you all for your input, comments, and opinions on my Chicago situation. It was so affirming of what I was feeling. I wish I had IRL friends who were even half as supportive as all of you are so I just can’t thank you enough. Ok now to the meat of the last few days.
Thursday of last week, after a horrible night of sleeping I had typed up a huge email to Hammer rambling on about how I don't think we should go to Chicago with them, OR nor should they come on our snowy-cabin-in-the-woods-in-January-retreat that they invited themselves to (more about that later*). At first he was hesitant and asking if I was really sure but that it was in their court if they could afford it now that they were expecting.....errrrrttttttt (tires squealing). "No dear," I told him, "it’s still in our court to say we can't go if it's not healthy for us, mainly me at this time." He said we'd talk about it when I got home.
Later that evening, after I had made it back around 4pm, we were supposed to go over to our friends house (D [husband] and N [wife]). I contacted them and cancelled because I was just too exhausted to go anywhere. The next day I was chatting on the phone with my mom getting her opinion on the situation and she agreed that Chicago was a no-go. I popped on to the computer with her still on the phone so I could email her some Christmas ideas and saw an email from our friend D who has currently been out of work for 5 months, it was titled “Good News.” I told my mom to hang on a minute because I wanted to read this email from D (she knew he was out of work) hoping that this email was a job offer. Guess what it was actually about? Oh you did guess it didn’t you! Yes, they are indeed expecting their second child, 11 ½ weeks to be exact which for them meant they got pregnant almost three months after he lost his job. Well doesn’t that beat all! And according to the email they had wanted to tell us the other night but I cancelled on them. Could you imagine if we had gone? I don’t think I could have handled it and probably would have cried right in front of them. I mean seriously people, in my email to them cancelling I wrote, “I’m sorry to cancel but I seem to be struggling with insomnia due to the miscarriage. The dropping in hormones is causing me to have issues with falling or staying asleep so I was up over half the night last night. I’m so sorry to cancel but this continues to be a difficult process for me.” Now tell me, would your first thought be, “Oh the Hammers aren’t coming tonight because she is still struggling with her miscarriage. We should just email them that we’re pregnant.” I totally lost it on the phone but thank God it was with my mother who was such a comfort.
Later that evening when Hammer got home he asked if I had seen the email from D. I asked him how he felt about it. His response was jealousy and sadness. While he is very good friends with D this was a big blow to him. We had been struggling for a year and half with TTC when they had announced they were pregnant with their first child after just one try. Hammer said that after he got the email he immediately called up our other friends and told them that we would not be going to Chicago. He said that he didn’t want me to have to deal with being the one to tell them what with two back to back pregnancy announcements. I was so thankful for that. It has been a difficult week. I’m so wrought with emotions it’s ridiculous. That makes two couples where the husband is out of work and they are pregnant. In a sarcastic tone I told Hammer that I'd figured out how to get pregnant and that he needed to quit his job. He replied back, "No problem, I'll put in my notice on Monday."
The strange thing is that earlier that week I had been feeling hopeful and now it’s the complete opposite. I know I should be happy for them but I just feel more left behind than ever. I have been praying and praying for direction, for anything right now but all I’ve received is silence. And that has been the hardest part.
I will (hopefully) have my last blood test Thursday of this week and am praying that my results are <5 and that my period is not far behind it. Maybe if I could just move forward by getting my period and ending this cycle I will feel better, maybe. I’m trying desperately to keep my eyes on the Lord so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the emotions that come from friend's pregnancy announcements (frustration, jealously, anger, and sadness). I just don’t want to drown in them and get caught in a state of sadness instead of trying to be positive about the next few months, taking time to focus on my marriage, and remember that God still has a plan for us.
Hammer and I have planned a weekend getaway in January to hopefully spend a quiet, peaceful weekend alone together. IF is hard in so many ways and even though our marriage is strong we just feel that with everything that has gone on this year (my dad, 2 IVF’s, a miscarriage) that we need time to just appreciate one another. We happened to mention this to our Chicago-trip friends pre-pregnancy announcement (and yes we did mention this as a weekend alone) and the wife just jumped on it saying how we should get cabins together instead of going to Chicago and how fun that would be blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know how to get out of it but thankfully we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately I think this all may have wrecked my relationship with her in that I don’t feel that I can confide in her about IF anymore but in some ways I think this is for the best.
Thursday of last week, after a horrible night of sleeping I had typed up a huge email to Hammer rambling on about how I don't think we should go to Chicago with them, OR nor should they come on our snowy-cabin-in-the-woods-in-January-retreat that they invited themselves to (more about that later*). At first he was hesitant and asking if I was really sure but that it was in their court if they could afford it now that they were expecting.....errrrrttttttt (tires squealing). "No dear," I told him, "it’s still in our court to say we can't go if it's not healthy for us, mainly me at this time." He said we'd talk about it when I got home.
Later that evening, after I had made it back around 4pm, we were supposed to go over to our friends house (D [husband] and N [wife]). I contacted them and cancelled because I was just too exhausted to go anywhere. The next day I was chatting on the phone with my mom getting her opinion on the situation and she agreed that Chicago was a no-go. I popped on to the computer with her still on the phone so I could email her some Christmas ideas and saw an email from our friend D who has currently been out of work for 5 months, it was titled “Good News.” I told my mom to hang on a minute because I wanted to read this email from D (she knew he was out of work) hoping that this email was a job offer. Guess what it was actually about? Oh you did guess it didn’t you! Yes, they are indeed expecting their second child, 11 ½ weeks to be exact which for them meant they got pregnant almost three months after he lost his job. Well doesn’t that beat all! And according to the email they had wanted to tell us the other night but I cancelled on them. Could you imagine if we had gone? I don’t think I could have handled it and probably would have cried right in front of them. I mean seriously people, in my email to them cancelling I wrote, “I’m sorry to cancel but I seem to be struggling with insomnia due to the miscarriage. The dropping in hormones is causing me to have issues with falling or staying asleep so I was up over half the night last night. I’m so sorry to cancel but this continues to be a difficult process for me.” Now tell me, would your first thought be, “Oh the Hammers aren’t coming tonight because she is still struggling with her miscarriage. We should just email them that we’re pregnant.” I totally lost it on the phone but thank God it was with my mother who was such a comfort.
Later that evening when Hammer got home he asked if I had seen the email from D. I asked him how he felt about it. His response was jealousy and sadness. While he is very good friends with D this was a big blow to him. We had been struggling for a year and half with TTC when they had announced they were pregnant with their first child after just one try. Hammer said that after he got the email he immediately called up our other friends and told them that we would not be going to Chicago. He said that he didn’t want me to have to deal with being the one to tell them what with two back to back pregnancy announcements. I was so thankful for that. It has been a difficult week. I’m so wrought with emotions it’s ridiculous. That makes two couples where the husband is out of work and they are pregnant. In a sarcastic tone I told Hammer that I'd figured out how to get pregnant and that he needed to quit his job. He replied back, "No problem, I'll put in my notice on Monday."
The strange thing is that earlier that week I had been feeling hopeful and now it’s the complete opposite. I know I should be happy for them but I just feel more left behind than ever. I have been praying and praying for direction, for anything right now but all I’ve received is silence. And that has been the hardest part.
I will (hopefully) have my last blood test Thursday of this week and am praying that my results are <5 and that my period is not far behind it. Maybe if I could just move forward by getting my period and ending this cycle I will feel better, maybe. I’m trying desperately to keep my eyes on the Lord so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the emotions that come from friend's pregnancy announcements (frustration, jealously, anger, and sadness). I just don’t want to drown in them and get caught in a state of sadness instead of trying to be positive about the next few months, taking time to focus on my marriage, and remember that God still has a plan for us.
Hammer and I have planned a weekend getaway in January to hopefully spend a quiet, peaceful weekend alone together. IF is hard in so many ways and even though our marriage is strong we just feel that with everything that has gone on this year (my dad, 2 IVF’s, a miscarriage) that we need time to just appreciate one another. We happened to mention this to our Chicago-trip friends pre-pregnancy announcement (and yes we did mention this as a weekend alone) and the wife just jumped on it saying how we should get cabins together instead of going to Chicago and how fun that would be blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know how to get out of it but thankfully we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately I think this all may have wrecked my relationship with her in that I don’t feel that I can confide in her about IF anymore but in some ways I think this is for the best.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Am I Being Selfish?
Ok, I have to ask your advice and opinion. Last night, after learning about my friend's miracle pregnancy, I spent some time in prayer before going to bed. I prayed to God, sharing my heart, struggles, fears and asking Him when it will finally be our turn. It was difficult because while I don't feel abandoned or forgotten I do feel tired, worn, and emotionally drained. I told Him that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take and prayed that the end will come soon. Actually I pleaded that the end would come soon as well as prayed for Him to give us direction.
This miscarriage has left us floundering a bit. We're not sure where we should be going or what direction on this journey is God's will for our lives. That's why a future IVF cycle is in the future because we are throwing it out there but just not sure when that may be. But we'd rather throw it out there and see if God gives us the nodd or not. It's the same thing with adoption, it's out there but we just don't know if that is where we are supposed to be headed yet. I just feel like a kid in the back seat asking God, "Are we there yet?" with no concept of where we are headed so the journey seems endless.
When I tried to fall asleep it was torture. I was wide awake and all I could think about was my friend and how I was no longer pregnant. We had been planning a New Years trip to Chicago this year and when we found out we were pregnant we laughed about how I would be the designated walker (since we won't have a car), how I might not make it to midnight etc. Yesterday I had called her because I had found a great deal on a hotel and wanted to know if they still wanted to go this year. Instead I was greated with her announcement, which is exciting for them, but now I'm in the inverse situation. Now if we go to Chicago she will be the designated walker, and she might not make it to midnight. And all I will be thinking about is that this should be me or us, how fun if it would have been the both of us. But it's not to be. And now I think I'm realizing that this situation may not be the best one for me to be in while I am still healing from our loss. This has brought up a lot of emotion about our miscarriage that I had yet to start feeling. I don't know if I was blocking it out or if I hadn't thought that far in advance until now.
She is a very sweet person and very supportive but she is not a 'true' infertile and does not understand the pain, emotional toll, and the level of sensitivity that the pregnancy topic requires around an infertile. What I mean by that is that they hadn't even tried yet to get pregnant before. This was a total fluke where her meds just didn't arrive on time and low-and-behold she ovulated and got pregnant. All they knew is that it might be a problem but they had yet to suffer through months of failed trying, negative pregnancy tests, multiple doctors appointments, the side effect of fertility drugs and the never-ending longing for the allusive baby. So here I am on the phone with her rattling on about how she is now pregnant, and can she eat soft cheeses, and what about lunch meat, and all her symptoms, and how she can't drink in Chicago but I can drink for her now and on and on and on. She never stopped to think that maybe this hurt because she was excited. I can't blame her but I think a real infertile would have known to wear some kid gloves in that conversation. So I'm not sure that I even want to be there with them when I'm mourning the loss of our pregnancy while she prattles on about hers. I just don't think that is a healthy situation to put myself in. But then I think, am I being selfish? Am I spoiling all the fun because she has what I want? What do you think?
This miscarriage has left us floundering a bit. We're not sure where we should be going or what direction on this journey is God's will for our lives. That's why a future IVF cycle is in the future because we are throwing it out there but just not sure when that may be. But we'd rather throw it out there and see if God gives us the nodd or not. It's the same thing with adoption, it's out there but we just don't know if that is where we are supposed to be headed yet. I just feel like a kid in the back seat asking God, "Are we there yet?" with no concept of where we are headed so the journey seems endless.
When I tried to fall asleep it was torture. I was wide awake and all I could think about was my friend and how I was no longer pregnant. We had been planning a New Years trip to Chicago this year and when we found out we were pregnant we laughed about how I would be the designated walker (since we won't have a car), how I might not make it to midnight etc. Yesterday I had called her because I had found a great deal on a hotel and wanted to know if they still wanted to go this year. Instead I was greated with her announcement, which is exciting for them, but now I'm in the inverse situation. Now if we go to Chicago she will be the designated walker, and she might not make it to midnight. And all I will be thinking about is that this should be me or us, how fun if it would have been the both of us. But it's not to be. And now I think I'm realizing that this situation may not be the best one for me to be in while I am still healing from our loss. This has brought up a lot of emotion about our miscarriage that I had yet to start feeling. I don't know if I was blocking it out or if I hadn't thought that far in advance until now.
She is a very sweet person and very supportive but she is not a 'true' infertile and does not understand the pain, emotional toll, and the level of sensitivity that the pregnancy topic requires around an infertile. What I mean by that is that they hadn't even tried yet to get pregnant before. This was a total fluke where her meds just didn't arrive on time and low-and-behold she ovulated and got pregnant. All they knew is that it might be a problem but they had yet to suffer through months of failed trying, negative pregnancy tests, multiple doctors appointments, the side effect of fertility drugs and the never-ending longing for the allusive baby. So here I am on the phone with her rattling on about how she is now pregnant, and can she eat soft cheeses, and what about lunch meat, and all her symptoms, and how she can't drink in Chicago but I can drink for her now and on and on and on. She never stopped to think that maybe this hurt because she was excited. I can't blame her but I think a real infertile would have known to wear some kid gloves in that conversation. So I'm not sure that I even want to be there with them when I'm mourning the loss of our pregnancy while she prattles on about hers. I just don't think that is a healthy situation to put myself in. But then I think, am I being selfish? Am I spoiling all the fun because she has what I want? What do you think?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Playing Catch Up
Well there is a lot to update on since my last post. For ease I'll put it in bullet points:
- I had blood work to check my HCG levels the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My RN called the next day to say that they went from 5,000+ down to 600 which is awesome.
- Hammer and I spent Thanksgiving with his family this year. It was a nice time but honestly his mom is a very plain cook and I really, really missed my family's cooking. I think I'll have to make my family's traditional stuffing just to get my fix. She also has an obsession with the giblets and puts them in everything, egh. I'm sorry but I know what the liver does and it's not something I want to ingest.
- The miscarriage bleeding lasted till Black Fr.iday which I was surprised but really happy about. I'm really hoping that I get my period soon so that I can get my body reset.
- As some of you know on Sunday my email got hacked through my facebook account but all appears to be well now. Except that some blogger named Dewayne left a weird message on my Hijacked post. Dewayne are you my hacker? Just wondering.
- I had to travel out of town on Monday for a Federal audit of which I was given a one month warning (surprise!) And then got a bigger surprise...I started bleeding again. I had to run back to my hotel to grab some feminine products which I brought but just didn't take some in my purse.
- I also had to find a lab to get my blood drawn while I was out of town. Fortunately there was one right across from my hotel. Unfortunately it took FOREVER to get it done as the lady was so slow and the computer kept rejecting my information.
- I got my results today and was really hoping that it would be zero and that the bleeding was my period but it was only 54. I say "only" but 54 is actually pretty good. I will need to get my blood drawn, hopefully, one more time to confirm that it's down below 5 which for them is = to zero. So the bleeding was probably not my period and it's gone as of today. I'll still need to be on the look out for it and this time I'm carrying 'supplies' at all times until it does.
- I'm really, secretly, hoping that I my body resets because I'd love to start trying naturally as soon as possible. I actually have some hope that maybe, just maybe the thyroid is the missing piece. I hate to get my hopes up but they are and I'm just going to go with it. I know I said my ute needs a rest but I really just feel that my tummy, my butt and my who-ha need to stop being poked and prodded by needles and probes.
- Finally, I have an IRL friend who is 32 and recently married for a little over a year. She has known that she has PCOS since she was about 18 years old. We have been talking about IF because she and her husband are going to start trying soon and she knows that it will be an uphill battle for them. She has been trying to eat healthier and loose some weight to prepare her body. But things are on hold until her husband can pass his nursing boards and get a job. Just a few weeks ago she and I were talking and she filled me in that her BCP were late so she could not start her new pack and had been off of them for two weeks. Now she has not been off BCP for about 8 years because it helps her body stay healthy due to her PCOS. She was describing ovulation symptoms which she thought were pregnancy symptoms but being the 'TTC expert' I told her that it was ovulation. She and her husband decided to just go for it because she had been told she would never ovulate on her own and if she was they wanted to take advantage of it and just see what happens. Well I think you all know where this is going, right? Yep she just called me moments ago and told me that she is pregnant. It's so bittersweet having just miscarried and shared the pain of that process with her. And then to suddenly hear that they are pregnant after just one random try. Although I am so happy for them because I really would never want anyone to have to experience IVF, it just hurts a bit. I wonder why they received this miracle so quickly when we have been praying for so long, we thought that maybe this last pregnancy was our chance only to have it taken away. I don't think I'll ever really understand why we have been given this trial or why we continue to be left behind by friends and fellow infertiles in the elusive chase for a baby. I wonder at what point will this journey end? At what point will God say, "Alright, it's finally time" and give us the blessing of a child. Oh what I would give to have insight into God's plan for our family! So my fellow IF's (and yes I even mean those of you who are now pregnant and or mommies) will you help us out? Hammer, my family and I are praying for our own miracle to finally come. We are specifically praying that God would allow us to get pregnant before we have to do our final IVF. I know that so many of you wonderful ladies have already been praying for us which I cherish so much already as you are all in my prayers as well. That's why I wanted to fill you in on our specific prayer if you'd like to pray along with us.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Knocked Down, But Not Destroyed
This week, as you know, has been a difficult one. On Monday when I was still nursing my wounds from the negative HPT I learned that another IRL friend is now expecting. It was not what I needed to hear that day. I went to bed early, crying and praying before going to sleep that God would help me get through this. Yesterday I started thinking about how Hoping for our own Peanut is still experiencing pain from the scars left by infertility even while she is expecting. I thought about how, when all this is over and God’s plan has been worked out, those scars from this trial would always be there. That I would never be the same person I was before infertility. And just how much this process has changed both Hammer and I. It’s amazing to think about the scars that we will inflict upon ourselves through infertility all for the love of some one who hasn’t even been born yet. And then I thought about someone else who bears scars. And I thought about the love that it took to take on the sins of the world and know that He would forever bear the scars from that choice. But that He did it for the love of those that came before Him, for those that stood at His feet mocking Him and wishing Him dead, and for those of us now who had yet to be born. He took a risk to bear these scars knowing that it would not be guaranteed success that those He loved would choose life with Him. But He did it anyway, because all the scars were worth the life that would come through it.
I used to think that God ‘understood’ my pain but not fully understood it. How could He? I’m a woman and while He was on earth He was a man. He didn’t truly know the pain of an empty womb; of mourning every month that went by without the hope of a child. But now I know that we are not so different, He and I. And If I can, in love, bear the burden and take on the scars of infertility for our child who has yet to be born; how much greater is the love of our Father who look on the scars for the whole world. He does understand our pain better than I even realized.
One day I will be a mother. But I will always bear my scars; I will always be infertile even if I give birth some day because we could never achieve our family without help. I will be a mother, a mother of infertility.
So I am knocked down, but not destroyed. This cycle was difficult mainly because we never even thought we would make it to transfer. To go from almost having our cycle cancelled or converted to an IUI, then retrieving the exact number of eggs we wanted to fertilize, then having three very good looking embryos to transfer seemed like a miracle. And it was. But I think it gave me hope that it was destined to work. And knowing that there were two little lives inside of me makes it all the more difficult. With IUI’s, if they don’t work you can assume that maybe nothing fertilized. But I KNEW life was in me and now it’s not and this makes the grieving process even greater. But I do have blessings from this cycle:
I have a normal FSH = 4.5
I have a normal antral follicle count
Lefty actually made the best follicles this cycle (go figure)
We can fertilize naturally
We can make pretty embryos (we just need one to stick)
Maybe I will respond better on another combination of drugs. I responded just fine on clomid with only 50 mg and always produced 2-3 large follicles.
So here is our plan for Operation Hammer Babies Take Two:
* Do acupuncture – I didn’t this time because I was doing chiropractics (don’t waste your time) and I think having done both needles are the way to go
* Ask that regardless of the count they should take them to day 5 – that way if they need to do emergency assisted hatching they can.
* Try a different cocktail of drugs
* Don’t let The Woman RE anywhere near me – just for my own personal sanity
And in the meantime Hammer and I are finally going to make it out to a RESOLVE meeting. They are having a speaker come talk about adoption next week. We have always kept adoption at the top of our list. Hammer, having had two older adopted siblings, and I have never stopped thinking about it. Originally we had talked about putting in paperwork for it at the same time as starting IVF but when we were praying over our next steps with our journey God told us to close that door for now. We have to admit that we were surprised but obeyed. But we would still love to learn more about the process and all the different options out there. We have begun to discuss a new “adoption option” but would like more time to pray about it together and go through at least one more IVF cycle beforehand.
I know that it sounds crazy to be talking like this when I haven’t even had my first beta yet but I just feel that I needed to let go of this cycle already and see what our future may hold.
P.S. - Oh and I didn’t test this morning; I ‘m just going to wait for the beta results from tomorrows blood work. I think it will be better for my mental health.
P.P.S - I just checked my email and was overwhelmed to tears will all the comments of support you have sent my way. Thank you ladies. No one else but you all can truly understand the pain of another BFN and your support means so much right now.
I used to think that God ‘understood’ my pain but not fully understood it. How could He? I’m a woman and while He was on earth He was a man. He didn’t truly know the pain of an empty womb; of mourning every month that went by without the hope of a child. But now I know that we are not so different, He and I. And If I can, in love, bear the burden and take on the scars of infertility for our child who has yet to be born; how much greater is the love of our Father who look on the scars for the whole world. He does understand our pain better than I even realized.
One day I will be a mother. But I will always bear my scars; I will always be infertile even if I give birth some day because we could never achieve our family without help. I will be a mother, a mother of infertility.
So I am knocked down, but not destroyed. This cycle was difficult mainly because we never even thought we would make it to transfer. To go from almost having our cycle cancelled or converted to an IUI, then retrieving the exact number of eggs we wanted to fertilize, then having three very good looking embryos to transfer seemed like a miracle. And it was. But I think it gave me hope that it was destined to work. And knowing that there were two little lives inside of me makes it all the more difficult. With IUI’s, if they don’t work you can assume that maybe nothing fertilized. But I KNEW life was in me and now it’s not and this makes the grieving process even greater. But I do have blessings from this cycle:
I have a normal FSH = 4.5
I have a normal antral follicle count
Lefty actually made the best follicles this cycle (go figure)
We can fertilize naturally
We can make pretty embryos (we just need one to stick)
Maybe I will respond better on another combination of drugs. I responded just fine on clomid with only 50 mg and always produced 2-3 large follicles.
So here is our plan for Operation Hammer Babies Take Two:
* Do acupuncture – I didn’t this time because I was doing chiropractics (don’t waste your time) and I think having done both needles are the way to go
* Ask that regardless of the count they should take them to day 5 – that way if they need to do emergency assisted hatching they can.
* Try a different cocktail of drugs
* Don’t let The Woman RE anywhere near me – just for my own personal sanity
And in the meantime Hammer and I are finally going to make it out to a RESOLVE meeting. They are having a speaker come talk about adoption next week. We have always kept adoption at the top of our list. Hammer, having had two older adopted siblings, and I have never stopped thinking about it. Originally we had talked about putting in paperwork for it at the same time as starting IVF but when we were praying over our next steps with our journey God told us to close that door for now. We have to admit that we were surprised but obeyed. But we would still love to learn more about the process and all the different options out there. We have begun to discuss a new “adoption option” but would like more time to pray about it together and go through at least one more IVF cycle beforehand.
I know that it sounds crazy to be talking like this when I haven’t even had my first beta yet but I just feel that I needed to let go of this cycle already and see what our future may hold.
P.S. - Oh and I didn’t test this morning; I ‘m just going to wait for the beta results from tomorrows blood work. I think it will be better for my mental health.
P.P.S - I just checked my email and was overwhelmed to tears will all the comments of support you have sent my way. Thank you ladies. No one else but you all can truly understand the pain of another BFN and your support means so much right now.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Unsteady Ground
So to begin, I headed into the clinic this morning at 7:10 am to give myself more than 30 minutes to make it in to the lab for my appointment a 7:45 am. I found a better route from our area and it took only 20 minutes to get there. I was so excited that this could be an alternative to our freeway issue. Except that there was a big construction sign stating that on Monday July 6th the main road would be closed for construction. Drat! So plan A will remain in effect for egg retrieval where we will stay at my parents who live closer to the clinic.
The blood draw went well and then I walked over to the IF clinic for my ultrasound. I had a bad feeling that I would end up with "The Woman" RE today. And I did. She has no bedside manner. Seriously. She didn't even ask me to scoot down to the end of the table. Instead she put a condom on the u/s wand, lubed it up and stood there just waiting. Her technique is...painful and she didn't speak a single word to me as she checked out my girls. I had to ask, "Soooo do I have at least one follicle?" and her reply, "Yes, there's at least one." Ordinarily I would think it would be followed by an explanation from the RE about exactly how many she had found on each ovary, but not "The Woman." To catch you up on "The Woman" RE, when she did one of our IUI's her technique was so bad I nearly jumped off the table and then ended up bleeding for the next 5 days. Even if we had gotten pregnant that month I wouldn't have had a lining left for the embie to implant! My biggest fear is that she will be one of the RE's who does our retrieval or transfer and we have been praying against that from happening.
Back to the u/s, "The Woman" finished, grabbed my chart and was running out the door mumbling something about the ART nurses calling me. UNBELIEVABLE, she was just going to leave without telling me ANYTHING about my u/s??? It was like a bad one night stand* - wham-bam and running for the door without saying a word. I at least deserved something after our intimate encounter as she did just put a wand up my whoo-ha. So I stopped her by just firing away my questions at her and, let me tell you, it was like pulling teeth. Here is the summary after 5 days of stims:
6 follies total
4 follies on the right
2 follies on the left
Follie sizes
1-13mm
5- less than 10mm
Lining
6.5 mm (6-14 is ideal for implantation)
Six. I only have six. Don’t’ get me wrong, I’m glad its more than one but only six? I was surprised at this. I thought I would totally rock the stims and have an egg farm brewing in my belly. Right now, if I was an egg farmer I would have to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy. I walked out of there feeling deflated, disappointed and basically…blah.
I then had to go to work and spent the whole day with questions rolling around in my mind. What if this is because I messed up on my meds? What if I single handedly ruined our IVF cycle? What if I don’t’ make anymore follies? Will we have enough for a fresh cycle let alone a frozen? What if we don’t have any mature follies? What if our cycle gets cancelled? Could I just be over suppressed?
This last question is something that I’ve been thinking about since my first u/s on 6/24. I went back and listened to the message from the ART nurse again and confirmed that my E2 was below 7. They wanted me to be at least below 80 but I was below 7. Doesn't that sound extremely low? Aren’t I supposed to have SOME estrogen? Could I just be taking a while because I was basically starting from zero?
I didn’t have time to research this at work. I had to endure talking about pregnant ladies, babies, breastfeeding and hot flashes. Yes, hot flashes. I was in a meeting while three 45+ year old women that I work with were going on about how I just don’t understand what hot flashes are like but that someday I’d know. I said nothing but inside my head ran the following scenario where I just went off on them shouting,
The blood draw went well and then I walked over to the IF clinic for my ultrasound. I had a bad feeling that I would end up with "The Woman" RE today. And I did. She has no bedside manner. Seriously. She didn't even ask me to scoot down to the end of the table. Instead she put a condom on the u/s wand, lubed it up and stood there just waiting. Her technique is...painful and she didn't speak a single word to me as she checked out my girls. I had to ask, "Soooo do I have at least one follicle?" and her reply, "Yes, there's at least one." Ordinarily I would think it would be followed by an explanation from the RE about exactly how many she had found on each ovary, but not "The Woman." To catch you up on "The Woman" RE, when she did one of our IUI's her technique was so bad I nearly jumped off the table and then ended up bleeding for the next 5 days. Even if we had gotten pregnant that month I wouldn't have had a lining left for the embie to implant! My biggest fear is that she will be one of the RE's who does our retrieval or transfer and we have been praying against that from happening.
Back to the u/s, "The Woman" finished, grabbed my chart and was running out the door mumbling something about the ART nurses calling me. UNBELIEVABLE, she was just going to leave without telling me ANYTHING about my u/s??? It was like a bad one night stand* - wham-bam and running for the door without saying a word. I at least deserved something after our intimate encounter as she did just put a wand up my whoo-ha. So I stopped her by just firing away my questions at her and, let me tell you, it was like pulling teeth. Here is the summary after 5 days of stims:
6 follies total
4 follies on the right
2 follies on the left
Follie sizes
1-13mm
5- less than 10mm
Lining
6.5 mm (6-14 is ideal for implantation)
Six. I only have six. Don’t’ get me wrong, I’m glad its more than one but only six? I was surprised at this. I thought I would totally rock the stims and have an egg farm brewing in my belly. Right now, if I was an egg farmer I would have to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy. I walked out of there feeling deflated, disappointed and basically…blah.
I then had to go to work and spent the whole day with questions rolling around in my mind. What if this is because I messed up on my meds? What if I single handedly ruined our IVF cycle? What if I don’t’ make anymore follies? Will we have enough for a fresh cycle let alone a frozen? What if we don’t have any mature follies? What if our cycle gets cancelled? Could I just be over suppressed?
This last question is something that I’ve been thinking about since my first u/s on 6/24. I went back and listened to the message from the ART nurse again and confirmed that my E2 was below 7. They wanted me to be at least below 80 but I was below 7. Doesn't that sound extremely low? Aren’t I supposed to have SOME estrogen? Could I just be taking a while because I was basically starting from zero?
I didn’t have time to research this at work. I had to endure talking about pregnant ladies, babies, breastfeeding and hot flashes. Yes, hot flashes. I was in a meeting while three 45+ year old women that I work with were going on about how I just don’t understand what hot flashes are like but that someday I’d know. I said nothing but inside my head ran the following scenario where I just went off on them shouting,
“NEWS FLASH, I do know. I intentionally am giving myself hot flashes in a desperate attempt to try and get pregnant. And because of this I have to run off to appointments all the time which make you all speculate that I actually am pregnant and therefore you drop hints to me all the time to see if I’ll crack and break the “exciting news.” Well I’m cracking but not like you’d think because I’m infertile and all these appointments are so that we can do IVF, so there!”
*sigh* It was a long meeting and as you can probably tell it did nothing to help with my current mental state.
To make matters worse my cell phone battery died and I missed the call from the ART nurse regarding my blood work results and protocol changes. By the time I got to my car to plug in my phone it was past office hours. I did have a message from them regarding my E2 levels:
6/24 E2 = 7 pg/mL
7/2 E2 = 107 pg/mL
107???? Isn’t this too low for 5 days of stims? I instantly went into a spiral of sobbing. I thought I would be higher. I called Hammer who immediately left work to come home because I was inconsolable on the phone going on and on about how I was too old, my eggs were old, we were too late etc. It was pretty ugly. While I waited for him to arrive I called my mom who is a walking medical dictionary and knows just what to do to make things ‘all better.’ She was able to talk some sense into me. First that I was on too many drugs now to be rational and I needed to listen to Hammer and her, she was sooo right about that! And that I was jumping to conclusions since I couldn’t get in contact with my RE until tomorrow. I told her that they weren’t changing my protocol which I didn’t understand. Her, being the rational one, (I, not so much) thought was that it was likely because everything WAS fine and I was making assumptions.
I was basing my freak out on the following chart from the Advanced Fertility Clinic in Chicago, IL** (below) which shows that at day 5 I should be around 400-500 pg/mL.
To make matters worse my cell phone battery died and I missed the call from the ART nurse regarding my blood work results and protocol changes. By the time I got to my car to plug in my phone it was past office hours. I did have a message from them regarding my E2 levels:
6/24 E2 = 7 pg/mL
7/2 E2 = 107 pg/mL
107???? Isn’t this too low for 5 days of stims? I instantly went into a spiral of sobbing. I thought I would be higher. I called Hammer who immediately left work to come home because I was inconsolable on the phone going on and on about how I was too old, my eggs were old, we were too late etc. It was pretty ugly. While I waited for him to arrive I called my mom who is a walking medical dictionary and knows just what to do to make things ‘all better.’ She was able to talk some sense into me. First that I was on too many drugs now to be rational and I needed to listen to Hammer and her, she was sooo right about that! And that I was jumping to conclusions since I couldn’t get in contact with my RE until tomorrow. I told her that they weren’t changing my protocol which I didn’t understand. Her, being the rational one, (I, not so much) thought was that it was likely because everything WAS fine and I was making assumptions.
I was basing my freak out on the following chart from the Advanced Fertility Clinic in Chicago, IL** (below) which shows that at day 5 I should be around 400-500 pg/mL.
“How is the monitoring of the IVF stimulation done?
We try to stimulate the woman to get at least 4 follicles with sizes of 14-20mm diameter. Ideally, there would be at least 8 follicles between 13-20 mm for IVF. The goal is to get a good number (about 8-15) of quality eggs. Blood hormone levels and developing follicle sizes are monitored. Ultrasound is used to measure the follicles. Estrogen hormone blood levels are important. Estrogen (actually estradiol) levels are usually under 60 pg/ml at cycle baseline and rise significantly as multiple follicles develop. Peak estradiol levels in IVF at the time of HCG are usually between 1000 and 4000 pg/ml. The stimulating process usually takes about 8-10 days.
Usually, it is not difficult to get enough follicles to develop. However, sometimes the response of the ovaries is poor and a low number of growing follicles are seen… The minimum number of follicles needed to proceed with IVF treatment depends on several factors, including follicle sizes, age of the woman, results of previous IVF stimulations and the willingness of the couple (and the doctor) to proceed with egg retrieval when there will be a low number of eggs obtained. In our experience, IVF success rates are very low with less than 3 mature follicles (18mm). Some IVF doctors will say that you should have at least 5 follicles of 14mm or greater while others might do the egg retrieval with only one follicle. Most IVF programs in the US want a minimum of about 3-4 mature (or close to mature) follicles. Women that are more likely to be low responders to ovarian stimulation would be those that have low antral follicle counts, those women who are older than about 37, women with elevated FSH levels, and women with other signs of reduced ovarian reserve.”
And this is why I became irrational. I was convinced I have reduced ovarian reserve and tail-spinned into a sob-fest. And while all these things I’ve worried about throughout day may come into being it is as my dad, who was listening on speaker phone, said, “None of this is in our control, it never was and it never will be. You just have to trust that God IS in control.” Aren’t dad’s great?
Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, eaten some chocolate and pizza (stress food), and spent some time praying I feel better. That and I’ve found some better information about where I should be at:
E2 Day 3 25-75 pg/mL
- my day 0 was less than 7 so I was probably still way below this at day 3
E2 Day 5 100 pg/mL or 2x day 3 levels
- so that means I’m actually right on track, I freaked out*** for nothing
E2 Surge day 200-600 pg/mL per 18mm (mature) follicle
My RE is giving the follies five more days to cook. So that means on the day I take my HCG trigger, if all my six eggs mature I should be at least 1,200 pg/mL. That’s a lot of ground to make up. But if your E2 levels are supposed to double every day after the day 5 check then I would be around 1,000 (107x2 = 214 x5 days = 1070 pg/ML so it’s possible.
And Hammer made a very good point that maybe we have only a small number of eggs because God was protecting us from having to make difficult decisions. We don’t want to be in the position where we have an ethical dilemma. When we talked and prayed about IVF we did feel that God had led us to go down this road. We also talked a lot about how many eggs we would fertilize. Since the first cycle has so many unknowns we agreed that we would not fertilize anymore eggs than we were willing to have children. We both felt extremely at peace with our decision to only fertilize seven eggs and freeze the rest. There was a lot of discussion about the probability game and that only doing seven could mean that we have few or no eggs in the end. But since the first cycle is a game of probability we would rather play it conservative until we know what we are dealing with as far as my egg making abilities and what his boys can do in the dish. We’ve had three years to save up for our baby and that has allowed us to have the means to do two full IVF cycles, drugs and all. We would rather pay more in the end than be in the position of having to decide which embryos we would use or not use. And since we both felt we couldn’t ‘get rid of’ or donate our embryos that could mean the purchase of a school bus in the future and my uterus just trembles at the thought of all those potential babies.
So our schedule will change a bit. Instead of Monday being our estimated egg retrieval day it will be another blood draw and ultrasound. So that means five more days of stims with the hope that we will trigger that night or the next day for a new estimated egg retrieval of Wednesday or Thursday.
Now all there is to do is pray and trust that God is still in control, always has been, and always will be.
_________________________________________________
*I've never had a one night stand but I watch movies and therefore assume this is similar to a one night stand, 'cause movies are like real life, right?
**This is not my IF clinic but a great resource I've used in the past on IVF cycles
***For those of you who thought I was ridiculously calm, you now have proof that I can freak out with the best of them.
Current Meds: Lupron 5 units, Bravelle 1 vial AM + 2 vials PM
Side Effects: burning and redness at injection site (Lupron only), moderate agitation, hot flashes, FATIGUE, headache
Follie Report: Day 5 = 6 follies (4R, 3L), 1x13mm and 5x less than 10mm
Days Post Transfer: 0
# Eggs Transferred: 0
# Eggs Frozen: 0
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Sisterhood Award
Now that Daddy Hammer is resting safely back at my parents home I'm catching up on a little R&R for myself. Which means catching up on reading all your blogs and finally responding to my awards.
Bouncing Buckeye Baby
Hoping For Our Own Peanut
IVF Infertility
Making Me Mom
Oh baby!
Where's Baby
My Heart's Testing
Babymaking 101
Not So Newlywed
And my two new followers (Welcome Ladies!)
Waiting On a Miracle in God's Timing
There is a Light at the End of This Tunnel
So I know that makes 11 but the more the merrier, right?
The guidelines for this award are:
- Put the logo on your blog or post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. L
- Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
- Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.
Bouncing Buckeye Baby
Hoping For Our Own Peanut
IVF Infertility
Making Me Mom
Oh baby!
Where's Baby
My Heart's Testing
Babymaking 101
Not So Newlywed
And my two new followers (Welcome Ladies!)
Waiting On a Miracle in God's Timing
There is a Light at the End of This Tunnel
So I know that makes 11 but the more the merrier, right?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Just Waiting...
Well we FINALLY were able to get the SA done this Thursday. YEAH!!! But now I'm just waiting for the results. I can never tell if the labs are slow or if it's our less than sensational nurse who never calls with results. Hopefully we'll know soon, that and I'm going to call Monday regardless.
It's been a rough week and I'm so thankful that it's Saturday. I was on another trip but this time I could sleep in my own bed. I just had to get up each day around 4 and drive 1 1/2 hrs to the clinic. Which was totally fine but I burned the candle at both ends and ended up with a nasty cold (that Hammer gave me). I swear I had a low grade fever because my basal temp was 98.9 on Thursday morning. I'm never even remotely that high. The worst part is that I can't take any time off so I had to go to work sick. Because I'm in a union if I accrue comp-time and then take sick time at any point during that week they will only pay out my time straight i.e. no time and a half. Because our new union contract will be freezing our sick time, vacation time and personal time accrual for the next two years; comp-time becomes even more precious. If we finally have a baby I need all the time I can get but it comes at the worst time because I won't be able to recoup any time until 2011. All this to save our state some money but the kicker is that I'm 100% federally funded so none of my saved salary or benefits are allowed to be used for my state's budget. Basically I get the shaft for nothing. Which is why I went to work sick this week but enough about my job (at least I have one). Anyway nothing heals you like 10 hours of sweet solid sleep.
I also tried a neti pot for the first time. It was...different. But also very effective. The first few tries I kept thinking I was doing it wrong because the water was not coming out the other nostril but then I realized it was because I was so horribly stuffed up. The worst part is that feeling of water too far up your nose. I hate when you are swimming and the water gets up to high in your sinuses and it hurts; that's what it's like. But now I can actually breathe out of my nose so it was worth it. (If you watched the video on the neti pot; the lady is so stoic and calm while she does it. The face I was making the whole time was NOT stoic and calm. In fact it was down-right hilarious. Also I'm not sure what is up with the exercises in the video but I did do some "Ah this water up my nose thing is uncomfortable" dance a few times; I suppose it was the same thing.)
It's been a rough week and I'm so thankful that it's Saturday. I was on another trip but this time I could sleep in my own bed. I just had to get up each day around 4 and drive 1 1/2 hrs to the clinic. Which was totally fine but I burned the candle at both ends and ended up with a nasty cold (that Hammer gave me). I swear I had a low grade fever because my basal temp was 98.9 on Thursday morning. I'm never even remotely that high. The worst part is that I can't take any time off so I had to go to work sick. Because I'm in a union if I accrue comp-time and then take sick time at any point during that week they will only pay out my time straight i.e. no time and a half. Because our new union contract will be freezing our sick time, vacation time and personal time accrual for the next two years; comp-time becomes even more precious. If we finally have a baby I need all the time I can get but it comes at the worst time because I won't be able to recoup any time until 2011. All this to save our state some money but the kicker is that I'm 100% federally funded so none of my saved salary or benefits are allowed to be used for my state's budget. Basically I get the shaft for nothing. Which is why I went to work sick this week but enough about my job (at least I have one). Anyway nothing heals you like 10 hours of sweet solid sleep.
I also tried a neti pot for the first time. It was...different. But also very effective. The first few tries I kept thinking I was doing it wrong because the water was not coming out the other nostril but then I realized it was because I was so horribly stuffed up. The worst part is that feeling of water too far up your nose. I hate when you are swimming and the water gets up to high in your sinuses and it hurts; that's what it's like. But now I can actually breathe out of my nose so it was worth it. (If you watched the video on the neti pot; the lady is so stoic and calm while she does it. The face I was making the whole time was NOT stoic and calm. In fact it was down-right hilarious. Also I'm not sure what is up with the exercises in the video but I did do some "Ah this water up my nose thing is uncomfortable" dance a few times; I suppose it was the same thing.)
As another fun way to pass time I'll also share our most recent house project: Installing bamboo floors. It was crazy timing when they ended up being installed. It was delayed a week because of my uncle's passing, then it overlapped with Easter, and when it was all done this Wednesday, both Hammer and I were too sick to move everything out of the kitchen and back into the living room. But either way it looks awesome. We had a buddy of ours who does home remodeling put them in for us. The timing was perfect because he had literally just been laid off from his job the week before we were scheduled to have him install them. So it totally helped him and his family out.
Here is the before chaos.
Here is the half way done point with our poor dog in the shot who is trying to figure out what the heck is happening to his home.
And here is the completed project.
And just because I can't resist here is close up picture of our dog...I mean the floors but isn't our dog cute too?
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