Yesterday we drove down to the satellite clinic for our education and pre-treatment treatment. It was a really nice, newly remodeled clinic. The staff was very nice and we went in right away to have the endometrial irritation portion of our appointment. To call it an ‘irritation’ is a vast understatement. It’s more like an endometrial torture session. I practically ripped Hammer’s arm off I was gripping it so hard. I happened to look up once at him and he was stark white and had a look of fear and concern. I’m assuming it was for me but it might have also been from the very real possibility of losing his arm. I took 800 mg of pain killers but it was nowhere near enough. I guess the positive side was that my cervix behaved and did not require it to be clamped to keep it stabilized which I hear is also incredibly painful. I still hurt from where they took the biopsy and I have to continue low doses of painkiller to be comfortable at work.
We did have good news though that both of our kayrotyping came back as normal. This was such a relief because I have been nervous waiting for the results and think that maybe there is something wrong. But all that worry was for nothing!
Afterwards we had our educational appointment where they went over my protocol, showed me how to use the follistim pen, how I could mix it with the Menopur to reduce the number of shots etc. It was here that we realized I will have NO IM shots!!! My little tushy is completely spared the pain of those gigantic needles. Instead of generic HCG which has to be mixed and administered in the muscle, they ordered Ovidrel which can be given subQ. And no PIO either because they ordered the suppositories. Seriously I’m going to think I’m missing something this cycle because it’s going to be sooo easy in comparison to what we’ve done in the past. That and I am going to be knocked out during the retrieval instead of wide away with only some dilautid and xanax.
So our cycle will start once AF shows up. On day 2 or 3 of my cycle I’ll drive down for an ultrasound to see if everything is quiet and if so we’ll start the stims. I’m getting very excited and am really praying that my body will be super nice and quiet because I really, really don’t want to go through an other ‘irritation’ or should I say ‘torture.’
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Decision Made
We had our second opinion appointment on Monday June 13th. It was about 2 1/2 hours to get down to the clinic so we gave ourselves plenty of time. The clinic was in a very nice office high rise and appeared new and modern compared to our old clinic which was a throw back to the early 90's. But looks aren't always everything and they needed to do more than win us over with their wood floors, comfy waiting room chairs, and track lighting.
We first met with a financial coordinator who explained that since we have to pay out of pocket they reduce the costs. But we noted that it will be about 2,000 - 3,000 more than what we had been paying at the other clinic. From what we can tell it's mostly due to the cost of the egg retrieval because they have an anesthesiologist on staff and they actually knock you out Unlike our last few cycles where I just got a shot of dilauded and got to watch (and feel) the whole thing. Although I'm fascinated by watching that sort of stuff so it didn't bother me too much. (I was the crazy girl who requested a hand mirror so that I could watch the dermatologist remove a mole from my neck; it was so cool.)
After this we were taken back to the RE's office. He was finishing up with a patient so we had time to read all his accolades and there were many. So he certainly won us over with all the awards and credentials: three time winner of the city's best fertility doctor, three degrees, two specialities etc. Finally we were able to meet him and he spent a long time going over the massive medical record we had sent ahead of time. He made several suggestions for a possible future cycle, confirmed things that we had been thinking, and overall made us feel very comfortable. He did do a physical exam and confirmed that everything looked good, normal and that I had ovulated a few days prior.
We left with a lot to think about, which is why I haven't posted. We decided to take some time to discuss what we had learned and where we felt we were being led. And while I love you all, Hammer is dead on right that I'm totally influenced by what I read about all of your successes rather than focus on what is best for our family. I just want to believe this will work and so I want to be told this by anyone who is willing. So, while it was difficult, we took our time to talk things through and pray about what would come next for us. And we have come to a decision......
We are going to do one more cycle!
So here is the plan:
While I'd like to end on a positive note I do want to mention that another reason prevented me from posting. One of my IRL friends who struggled with many miscarriages finally welcomed a beautiful little baby girl at the end of April. At just 9 weeks old she developed severe jaundice this past weekend and was rushed to our children's hospital. Yesterday her parents received devastating news that she was born without a bile duct, a condition known as Biliary Atresia. While there is a procedure that they will be doing this Friday to create one for her out of her own intestine it's only about 30% successful. And regardless of this procedure she will have to have a liver transplant before she reaches 20 years old. This hit us very hard because they have become such close friends as they fully understand what we've been through. It made me question if we should move forward with this cycle. It just seems so unfair that they would have to go through this after such a long and difficult road just to have her. I would just ask for your prayers for this precious little girl, so loved, so wanted and so in need of a miracle.
We first met with a financial coordinator who explained that since we have to pay out of pocket they reduce the costs. But we noted that it will be about 2,000 - 3,000 more than what we had been paying at the other clinic. From what we can tell it's mostly due to the cost of the egg retrieval because they have an anesthesiologist on staff and they actually knock you out Unlike our last few cycles where I just got a shot of dilauded and got to watch (and feel) the whole thing. Although I'm fascinated by watching that sort of stuff so it didn't bother me too much. (I was the crazy girl who requested a hand mirror so that I could watch the dermatologist remove a mole from my neck; it was so cool.)
After this we were taken back to the RE's office. He was finishing up with a patient so we had time to read all his accolades and there were many. So he certainly won us over with all the awards and credentials: three time winner of the city's best fertility doctor, three degrees, two specialities etc. Finally we were able to meet him and he spent a long time going over the massive medical record we had sent ahead of time. He made several suggestions for a possible future cycle, confirmed things that we had been thinking, and overall made us feel very comfortable. He did do a physical exam and confirmed that everything looked good, normal and that I had ovulated a few days prior.
We left with a lot to think about, which is why I haven't posted. We decided to take some time to discuss what we had learned and where we felt we were being led. And while I love you all, Hammer is dead on right that I'm totally influenced by what I read about all of your successes rather than focus on what is best for our family. I just want to believe this will work and so I want to be told this by anyone who is willing. So, while it was difficult, we took our time to talk things through and pray about what would come next for us. And we have come to a decision......
We are going to do one more cycle!
So here is the plan:
- Begin taking 75mg of DHEA a day. I take 25 mg three times a day which has been difficult because it makes me very nauseated. It doesn't matter if I take it with a meal or not. I hope it's worth it but the funny part is, if it works I'll probably still be nauseous; but it would be the best kind.
- Increase folic acid to 1,600 mcg. He is of the school of thought that any MTHFR should increase folic acid and it won't hurt. He said I didn't need to the Folgard brand because he trusted that I would know what to do here.
- Take baby aspirin 3 days a week and increase to every day after transfer. Same school of MTHFR thought here and I'm ok with that too.
- Endometrial biopsy/irritation scheduled for July 13th. This was suggested by our previous RE and we brought it up to the new RE to get his thoughts. He said that it could only help and was happy to add it to the protocol. It is supposed to be similar in discomfort to an HSG although slightly less painful but since my HSG was a horrific experience I'm not looking forward to it. Thankfully Hammer will be there and can stay in the room. The theory about this is that if they irritate the lining it will cause it to react by 'repairing' and hopefully in this active state make it more likely for it to grab onto an embryo.
- Antagonist protocol. Yes people, there will be NO lupron! Or birth control pills! After reviewing my starting estrogen levels he feels I was WAY over suppressed on the long lupron protocol. With start of new cycle at end of July I will begin Gonal on day 2-3. Compared to my last cycles, this should be like putting the pedal to the metal. Whether my body responds better will remain to be seen but he hopes that my overall estrogen levels will improve for better egg quality. I also won't be taking an LH drug like I did last time (Luveris) either.
- Hammer does his 10 day 'prep' for day of retrieval. This is the game plan that Dr. Russell told us to do. We did mention that he had a fever but the RE said that by the time of retrieval he would be into another sperm cycle so it shouldn't be an issue.
- Do assisted hatching. This is what we did with the last cycle so he wanted to continue that since it got us our best results.
While I'd like to end on a positive note I do want to mention that another reason prevented me from posting. One of my IRL friends who struggled with many miscarriages finally welcomed a beautiful little baby girl at the end of April. At just 9 weeks old she developed severe jaundice this past weekend and was rushed to our children's hospital. Yesterday her parents received devastating news that she was born without a bile duct, a condition known as Biliary Atresia. While there is a procedure that they will be doing this Friday to create one for her out of her own intestine it's only about 30% successful. And regardless of this procedure she will have to have a liver transplant before she reaches 20 years old. This hit us very hard because they have become such close friends as they fully understand what we've been through. It made me question if we should move forward with this cycle. It just seems so unfair that they would have to go through this after such a long and difficult road just to have her. I would just ask for your prayers for this precious little girl, so loved, so wanted and so in need of a miracle.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Scheduled
After getting some positive feed back from the andrologist we decided to make an appointment for a second opinion. So I finally made the call and it's set for June 13th, the day after our 7th anniversary. Nothing more romantic than having a complete stranger check out your who-ha right after celebrating the day of your wedding. Seriously though, this was the only date that worked out with Hammer's travel. Plus it's a good excuse at work to take a day off without raising too much suspicion. We're keeping this one very quiet since nothing may come of it depending on what we hear.
When I called I had to give our history to the nurse and I totally started crying when I had to discuss our last miscarriage. She was very sweet on the phone and ended up changing the RE she was going to schedule us with saying that the new RE would be better with 'unique' stimulation cycles and has a background in early miscarriage. I also mentioned that we were working with an andrologist and when I mentioned his name she had nothing but the nicest things to say. She also said that she would give me a form to send to them so that they would request our records from the RE so that we would not have to interact with them. So far things have been positive, let's cross our fingers that this continues.
One set back though is that Hammer had a very high fever on Mother's Day, like 102+ temperature. That means if we do anything it cannot be until the end of July or early August as we are out a whole sperm cycle. It's a bummer but I'm not going to worry about it because I can't. We might not even end up doing anything regardless so worrying is just not worth it.
When I called I had to give our history to the nurse and I totally started crying when I had to discuss our last miscarriage. She was very sweet on the phone and ended up changing the RE she was going to schedule us with saying that the new RE would be better with 'unique' stimulation cycles and has a background in early miscarriage. I also mentioned that we were working with an andrologist and when I mentioned his name she had nothing but the nicest things to say. She also said that she would give me a form to send to them so that they would request our records from the RE so that we would not have to interact with them. So far things have been positive, let's cross our fingers that this continues.
One set back though is that Hammer had a very high fever on Mother's Day, like 102+ temperature. That means if we do anything it cannot be until the end of July or early August as we are out a whole sperm cycle. It's a bummer but I'm not going to worry about it because I can't. We might not even end up doing anything regardless so worrying is just not worth it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Is it safe to come out yet?
I've been hoping for 2009 to come to a close for the last few weeks. It's been a really rough year and the rough patches are not over yet. Hammer's dad continues to be with us but is very frail. We don't know if we have days, weeks or months ahead of us. Dying from lung disease can be a slow process. I am thankful that hospice is doing their best to keep him comfortable. We had a good visit, he was alert enough for us to talk to him AND he got to see his favorite college football team play and WIN on Friday. We were praying they would win just so that he could see it one more time. We may have to postpone our weekend getaway, understandably so, but he didn't want us to, we'll see.
While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*
This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.
AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.
2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.
While we were driving down to SC we got the call from our RE with the results of the sperm DNA fragmentation test. They weren't good, they weren't horrible either but it answered more questions for us. With the test they want the results to be 30% fragmentation or less...we were 48%. It means we may be able to overcome some of the fragmentation with vitamins but it explains why our 3 day transfers looked good but never worked. Sperm DNA rears it's ugly head after day 3 and I've never made enough eggs to get to a 5 day transfer. It also explains the blighted ovum i.e. miscarriage as well as our lack of natural pregnancy. When you are already working with low sperm counts and half of them are retarded it's not going to happen on your own - *sigh*
This next cycle we need more eggs, ICSI and lots of prayers. Honestly at this point I'm not really sure that IVF is going to work for us. (I know it's totally not positive) But we are going to give this one last shot. Technically we really only had one good cycle so far since the first one was a bust and really should have been cancelled. I just don't know how many more times we want to go through this though. We really just want to be parents and at least with adoption you have a really good change of becoming a family versus IVF's average 40% success rate.
AF arrived today so at least I know my body is starting to work again but at this point we have not even set a tentative date for the next cycle. We don't feel like we can plan anything with Hammer's dad right now. All we know is that Hammer will have to be on vitamins for ~3-4 months in advance so we have some time. And taking a rest is a good thing.
2010 I really hope you are better to us than your older sibling.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Playing Catch Up
Well there is a lot to update on since my last post. For ease I'll put it in bullet points:
- I had blood work to check my HCG levels the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My RN called the next day to say that they went from 5,000+ down to 600 which is awesome.
- Hammer and I spent Thanksgiving with his family this year. It was a nice time but honestly his mom is a very plain cook and I really, really missed my family's cooking. I think I'll have to make my family's traditional stuffing just to get my fix. She also has an obsession with the giblets and puts them in everything, egh. I'm sorry but I know what the liver does and it's not something I want to ingest.
- The miscarriage bleeding lasted till Black Fr.iday which I was surprised but really happy about. I'm really hoping that I get my period soon so that I can get my body reset.
- As some of you know on Sunday my email got hacked through my facebook account but all appears to be well now. Except that some blogger named Dewayne left a weird message on my Hijacked post. Dewayne are you my hacker? Just wondering.
- I had to travel out of town on Monday for a Federal audit of which I was given a one month warning (surprise!) And then got a bigger surprise...I started bleeding again. I had to run back to my hotel to grab some feminine products which I brought but just didn't take some in my purse.
- I also had to find a lab to get my blood drawn while I was out of town. Fortunately there was one right across from my hotel. Unfortunately it took FOREVER to get it done as the lady was so slow and the computer kept rejecting my information.
- I got my results today and was really hoping that it would be zero and that the bleeding was my period but it was only 54. I say "only" but 54 is actually pretty good. I will need to get my blood drawn, hopefully, one more time to confirm that it's down below 5 which for them is = to zero. So the bleeding was probably not my period and it's gone as of today. I'll still need to be on the look out for it and this time I'm carrying 'supplies' at all times until it does.
- I'm really, secretly, hoping that I my body resets because I'd love to start trying naturally as soon as possible. I actually have some hope that maybe, just maybe the thyroid is the missing piece. I hate to get my hopes up but they are and I'm just going to go with it. I know I said my ute needs a rest but I really just feel that my tummy, my butt and my who-ha need to stop being poked and prodded by needles and probes.
- Finally, I have an IRL friend who is 32 and recently married for a little over a year. She has known that she has PCOS since she was about 18 years old. We have been talking about IF because she and her husband are going to start trying soon and she knows that it will be an uphill battle for them. She has been trying to eat healthier and loose some weight to prepare her body. But things are on hold until her husband can pass his nursing boards and get a job. Just a few weeks ago she and I were talking and she filled me in that her BCP were late so she could not start her new pack and had been off of them for two weeks. Now she has not been off BCP for about 8 years because it helps her body stay healthy due to her PCOS. She was describing ovulation symptoms which she thought were pregnancy symptoms but being the 'TTC expert' I told her that it was ovulation. She and her husband decided to just go for it because she had been told she would never ovulate on her own and if she was they wanted to take advantage of it and just see what happens. Well I think you all know where this is going, right? Yep she just called me moments ago and told me that she is pregnant. It's so bittersweet having just miscarried and shared the pain of that process with her. And then to suddenly hear that they are pregnant after just one random try. Although I am so happy for them because I really would never want anyone to have to experience IVF, it just hurts a bit. I wonder why they received this miracle so quickly when we have been praying for so long, we thought that maybe this last pregnancy was our chance only to have it taken away. I don't think I'll ever really understand why we have been given this trial or why we continue to be left behind by friends and fellow infertiles in the elusive chase for a baby. I wonder at what point will this journey end? At what point will God say, "Alright, it's finally time" and give us the blessing of a child. Oh what I would give to have insight into God's plan for our family! So my fellow IF's (and yes I even mean those of you who are now pregnant and or mommies) will you help us out? Hammer, my family and I are praying for our own miracle to finally come. We are specifically praying that God would allow us to get pregnant before we have to do our final IVF. I know that so many of you wonderful ladies have already been praying for us which I cherish so much already as you are all in my prayers as well. That's why I wanted to fill you in on our specific prayer if you'd like to pray along with us.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Odds and Ends Post IVF#1
Here are a few mini posts each with their own title:
Fun Things
I finished my knitting project. Actually I finished it a while back but never got around to posting it. Not to toot-my-own-horn, but I'm not a bad knitter! I put in a few pics of the finished product as modeled by Moses.
Gratuitous cute puppy view
I'm on to my next doggie outfit - and Hammer hates that I call them outfits, he he.
The Nerve
No I'm not mad at anyone, well maybe just at myself. So back when I was still giving PIO's I had to do one of my shots in my thigh because Hammer wasn't around. I reviewed all the diagrams, prepped the injection area, and shoved the needle in my right leg. I remember 'hitting something' that hurt when it first went in but it was just for a second and then it didn't feel bad. Just to be safe I pulled the needle back out a bit and injected the PIO a bit higher. Later that evening I realized that my knee felt funny, kind of numb. Ah ha, I hit a nerve, great. I heard that it can happen with IM injections and that they go away in a few days. Unfortunately it has yet to go away. It's been two weeks and if even my pant leg brushes up against my leg (which is often) it feels like burning pain at a 3rd degree burn level radiating out across my knee and a quarter way up my thigh. At first I was panicked that maybe it was an infection but I've never spiked a temp so, nerve pain it is. My brother, the future NP, said I hit a pretty major nerve because the pain is from my knee along the right side of my thigh and up into my tushy. The pain management treatments involve ibuprofen (which is a TTC no no drug) or drugs in the pregabali family which are a pregnancy category C or tetrogenic i.e. harmful to babies. SOOooooooo, I will just live with the pain. Eventually it will go away but until then I'll just have to deal with it. I am doing gentle activity such as walking, biking and yoga to try to rebuild my nerve synapses (connections) but it's no fun.
Still Flashing
So for those ladies who had a failed IVF cycle, did you continue to get hot flashes? Because I am just having fits of hot flashes and I am never hot. I'm one of those people that wears cardigans year round because winter is too cold and summer air conditioning is freezing. But now I could sleep buck na.ked under a ceiling fan on high with the air at 65 and still be sweating. (I haven't but I could). I really didn't have a bad time of it on Lupron or the stims but it seems that the after effects are worse than actually being on the drugs, and I had an E2 of <7 while on Lupron. Weird. I don't have any hope of actually ovulating this cycle but I guess it can happen. My doubts are because I feel like I'm in menopause right now. I just hope AF comes in a timely manner so that we can get this next IVF cycle started.
My appointment is tomorrow so I'll keep you all posted!
Fun Things
I finished my knitting project. Actually I finished it a while back but never got around to posting it. Not to toot-my-own-horn, but I'm not a bad knitter! I put in a few pics of the finished product as modeled by Moses.
Side shot of the pooch pouch
Top View
Gratuitous cute puppy view
I'm on to my next doggie outfit - and Hammer hates that I call them outfits, he he.
The Nerve
No I'm not mad at anyone, well maybe just at myself. So back when I was still giving PIO's I had to do one of my shots in my thigh because Hammer wasn't around. I reviewed all the diagrams, prepped the injection area, and shoved the needle in my right leg. I remember 'hitting something' that hurt when it first went in but it was just for a second and then it didn't feel bad. Just to be safe I pulled the needle back out a bit and injected the PIO a bit higher. Later that evening I realized that my knee felt funny, kind of numb. Ah ha, I hit a nerve, great. I heard that it can happen with IM injections and that they go away in a few days. Unfortunately it has yet to go away. It's been two weeks and if even my pant leg brushes up against my leg (which is often) it feels like burning pain at a 3rd degree burn level radiating out across my knee and a quarter way up my thigh. At first I was panicked that maybe it was an infection but I've never spiked a temp so, nerve pain it is. My brother, the future NP, said I hit a pretty major nerve because the pain is from my knee along the right side of my thigh and up into my tushy. The pain management treatments involve ibuprofen (which is a TTC no no drug) or drugs in the pregabali family which are a pregnancy category C or tetrogenic i.e. harmful to babies. SOOooooooo, I will just live with the pain. Eventually it will go away but until then I'll just have to deal with it. I am doing gentle activity such as walking, biking and yoga to try to rebuild my nerve synapses (connections) but it's no fun.
Still Flashing
So for those ladies who had a failed IVF cycle, did you continue to get hot flashes? Because I am just having fits of hot flashes and I am never hot. I'm one of those people that wears cardigans year round because winter is too cold and summer air conditioning is freezing. But now I could sleep buck na.ked under a ceiling fan on high with the air at 65 and still be sweating. (I haven't but I could). I really didn't have a bad time of it on Lupron or the stims but it seems that the after effects are worse than actually being on the drugs, and I had an E2 of <7 while on Lupron. Weird. I don't have any hope of actually ovulating this cycle but I guess it can happen. My doubts are because I feel like I'm in menopause right now. I just hope AF comes in a timely manner so that we can get this next IVF cycle started.
My appointment is tomorrow so I'll keep you all posted!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Next steps
n our fertility front I got our IVF consult appointment set up for next Thursday (Feb 12) so we'll be getting info on our IVF plan, tests etc. I'm excited to finally get things started even though there will be the delay with all my travels but there is nothing I can do about that part so I'm not going to let that bother me.
Actually being out of the office might be the best thing to happen right now. I apparently do not work in the healthiest building, which is quite ironic because it's the state health department. We have heating issues, cooling issues, cockroaches the size of my Dove soap bars (seriously I've not only seen them, I've killed them), asbestos etc. The list goes on and it's not pretty.
So they had a town hall meeting about the building renovations that have been going on for the last year. They have been mostly renovating the connecting building. While it's not my specific building they are connected by walkways. My cube is right next to the walkway door and I can hear and smell all the construction going on. So after I (and two other coworkers) tested positive for carbon monoxide (CO) and our building came back CO free, I started to get suspicious. We began talking about these strange symptoms we've all been having every afternoon - itchy eyes, cloudy head, dizziness, headaches. Many people have developed asthma, pneumonia and bronchitis. I remember a couple of months ago thinking that it was strange for me to feel so yucky at work but then perk up an hour or two after I went home - apparently where the air was cleaner. And I was not the only one. So I talked with my mom, who is an RN, about my test results and she said that the tests only look to see if something is preventing oxygen from binding to my red blood cells and not specifically for CO. So basically it could be any dangerous gas that is doing this. At the town hall meeting they told us that when they did air quality test during welding that the levels were in the unsafe zone.
Well guess what was going on right behind the walkway door near my cube - yep, welding. I remember smelling welding fumes and on those days I had MAJOR headaches, cloudy mind and dizziness. But we are like frogs in a pot of slowly heating water, oblivious to the chemical toxins that have been increasing all around us. These symptoms are subtle but signs of major danger and they mostly have left us thinking it was just due to stress or fatigue - we never thought of oxygen loss from dangerous chemicals, till now. The constructions foremen kept telling us at the meeting that the construction was isolated from the working staff but today I took pictures of the gaps between the floor and door and around the door frame etc. I can feel air blowing through the cracks and I could SEE the construction workers on the other side. Gases can certainly get through. Armed with incriminating photos and test results they had nothing to say but confirm that something was getting through and making us sick. I spent an hour with our union person providing all my evidence and even pulled up information on symptoms related to welding fume inhalation, which is VERY scary. Guess what one of the side effects are? Delayed conception and early miscarriage in women. Great.
I have to think of this as being a good thing that we are holding them accountable to getting the fumes out of our area so that when I do IVF I won't be exposed to that stuff. But just to be safe I'm going to be taking a lot of time off around then to get any of that stuff out of my system.
Actually being out of the office might be the best thing to happen right now. I apparently do not work in the healthiest building, which is quite ironic because it's the state health department. We have heating issues, cooling issues, cockroaches the size of my Dove soap bars (seriously I've not only seen them, I've killed them), asbestos etc. The list goes on and it's not pretty.
So they had a town hall meeting about the building renovations that have been going on for the last year. They have been mostly renovating the connecting building. While it's not my specific building they are connected by walkways. My cube is right next to the walkway door and I can hear and smell all the construction going on. So after I (and two other coworkers) tested positive for carbon monoxide (CO) and our building came back CO free, I started to get suspicious. We began talking about these strange symptoms we've all been having every afternoon - itchy eyes, cloudy head, dizziness, headaches. Many people have developed asthma, pneumonia and bronchitis. I remember a couple of months ago thinking that it was strange for me to feel so yucky at work but then perk up an hour or two after I went home - apparently where the air was cleaner. And I was not the only one. So I talked with my mom, who is an RN, about my test results and she said that the tests only look to see if something is preventing oxygen from binding to my red blood cells and not specifically for CO. So basically it could be any dangerous gas that is doing this. At the town hall meeting they told us that when they did air quality test during welding that the levels were in the unsafe zone.
Well guess what was going on right behind the walkway door near my cube - yep, welding. I remember smelling welding fumes and on those days I had MAJOR headaches, cloudy mind and dizziness. But we are like frogs in a pot of slowly heating water, oblivious to the chemical toxins that have been increasing all around us. These symptoms are subtle but signs of major danger and they mostly have left us thinking it was just due to stress or fatigue - we never thought of oxygen loss from dangerous chemicals, till now. The constructions foremen kept telling us at the meeting that the construction was isolated from the working staff but today I took pictures of the gaps between the floor and door and around the door frame etc. I can feel air blowing through the cracks and I could SEE the construction workers on the other side. Gases can certainly get through. Armed with incriminating photos and test results they had nothing to say but confirm that something was getting through and making us sick. I spent an hour with our union person providing all my evidence and even pulled up information on symptoms related to welding fume inhalation, which is VERY scary. Guess what one of the side effects are? Delayed conception and early miscarriage in women. Great.
I have to think of this as being a good thing that we are holding them accountable to getting the fumes out of our area so that when I do IVF I won't be exposed to that stuff. But just to be safe I'm going to be taking a lot of time off around then to get any of that stuff out of my system.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Well it's about time...
Aunt Flow finally arrive in full force yesterday. I was actually happy to see her and even more happy that she does not appear to be staying long. I put a call into my RE's office. We'll need to make an appointment for our first IVF consult and start the pre-cycle testing. This will be a long process for us since I will have to work around my travel for my job.
I talked to my manager about our IVF plans since our IVF cycle may fall during my coworkers trip that I am supposed to go on as a helper. My manager said not to worry about it because she'll get a back up person in line for me. She is SUCH a blessing!
Hammer and I also decided that we'd take this month off and do nothing but relax and keep taking those vitamins! I'm going to cash in a gift certificate for a massage that I received for Christmas this year. Oh how I need that. So hopefully after our consult meeting we'll know more about where we are headed. I'm almost done reading IVF for Couples and while I skipped over the middle part (It was all about interviewing RE's etc.) I did enjoy the book immensely.
I've also been doing really well with figuring out this knitting thing. So I'm thinking I might get to knitting those booties faster than what I thought. We'll see.
I talked to my manager about our IVF plans since our IVF cycle may fall during my coworkers trip that I am supposed to go on as a helper. My manager said not to worry about it because she'll get a back up person in line for me. She is SUCH a blessing!
Hammer and I also decided that we'd take this month off and do nothing but relax and keep taking those vitamins! I'm going to cash in a gift certificate for a massage that I received for Christmas this year. Oh how I need that. So hopefully after our consult meeting we'll know more about where we are headed. I'm almost done reading IVF for Couples and while I skipped over the middle part (It was all about interviewing RE's etc.) I did enjoy the book immensely.
I've also been doing really well with figuring out this knitting thing. So I'm thinking I might get to knitting those booties faster than what I thought. We'll see.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Bad news, Good news and Blessings
Bad News:
I woke up today with my temps starting to drop and cramping. Looks like Aunt Flow will be visiting and progesterone is still dumb. Bbs hurt even worse, hunger symptoms stopped yesterday, and I'm so bloated I look like I just ate a small village. IVF, here we come...
Good News:
I called my RE's office because I never heard back on my progesterone and found out it was 56. Yep, so now I've had a 75 and a 56. That means one of two things: I ovulated more than one egg causing two corpus lutems to bring my progesterone up, or I keep conceiving but not implanting. This would be confirmed by the cramping I got days 6-9. Will they do anything about this? No because I still don't have a positive pg test and they don't do an HCG blood draw without a call from me saying, "I got two lines," which I've never said before. Wait this is the "Good News" section? Stay positive. OK. No issues with progesterone = good news.
We can still rejoice in our victories this month: lefty works and Fertilaid makes a difference for Hammer. I'm going to order more after I post.
Also, I might be able to do another IUI this month because of how my cycle fell with my travel for work. I'll have to work these details out with the RE's office but I think I may have spoken too soon when I rejoiced over no more clomid.
The Blessings
I am actually not overly sad knowing that this cycle did not work, I know it's weird. Especially since I previously posted that I would likely be really crushed. When I told Hammer that Aunt Flow appeared to be on her way I had a moment. He looked at me and saw my face get all squishy because I was about to cry. He took my hand and said in a soft and calming voice, "Are you trying not to cry, don't cry, we'll be alright." And I knew in that second that it was alright, God was in control and we would be alright. I feel totally at peace and I recalled the verse:
Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I know that God has heard our cries, our prayers and pleadings for a baby. Our requests have been made known to Him for the last 2 years and 8 months. That fact is comforting but what is even more comforting is that He has given me the peace that is guarding my heart and my mind from overwhelming sadness. As it is human to do so I had my moments this month where I thought, "It didn't work" and "I think it worked" but I would stop and tell myself to guard my heart and prayed for God to grant me His peace. And now I am wrapped up in that peace, thank you Jesus.
The other thing that He's put in my heart is that we are very close. Yes, "very close." I have prayed over what that could mean. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't my own humanness to be subliminally banking on IVF and I can tell you now that it's not. Of course God's definition of close can be very different than our own. Very close to me is like going on a long car drive and after asking, "Are we there yet?," a bunch of times you finally get the answer of, "very soon", instead of just, "soon." And then 20 minutes later you reach your destination. If we look at God's definition it could be "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close"
"Sarah-close" was God telling Abraham who was 75 years of age at the time that He would make a great nation from Abraham's line. Then 15 years later God comes down and say to Abraham who is now 99 years old that his 90 year old wife, Sarah, would conceive but it took 16 years from the time of the prophecy and one surrogate son before Sarah gave birth to Issac.
"Hannah-close" was one of the rare cases when God closed a womb. Hannah was at the temple praying fervently with a passion that only us IFers understand and so passionately that the priest thought she was drunk. While we don't know exactly how long Hannah suffered with infertility we do know that on this day the priest said, "Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him." And then shortly after that it is written that after she laid with her husband, "...the LORD remembered her," she gave birth to Samuel and then she went on to bear several other children. One other thing that I find comforting about Hannah's story is that she also brought her petition to God just as Philippians tells us to do and her petition was heard!
In my human brain "Sarah-close" would equate to "soon" while "Hannah-close" would equate to "very soon." I don't know exactly which one I'm dealing with but I do know that in each instance when God gave insight into his plan they all came to fruition. So that will be the knowledge that I will cling to whether I am "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close" because I am another month closer to the completion of God's plan.
On a side note, when I first started blogging I had posted about an insight I had into why Sarah laughed when God said she would bear a child at age 90. At this time in my TTC I had hit a low point and felt that I needed to keep the pre-prophecy name of Sarai instead of Sarah because I felt like God had not given me the word of His blessing for our family. Today, I called her Sarah.
I woke up today with my temps starting to drop and cramping. Looks like Aunt Flow will be visiting and progesterone is still dumb. Bbs hurt even worse, hunger symptoms stopped yesterday, and I'm so bloated I look like I just ate a small village. IVF, here we come...
Good News:
I called my RE's office because I never heard back on my progesterone and found out it was 56. Yep, so now I've had a 75 and a 56. That means one of two things: I ovulated more than one egg causing two corpus lutems to bring my progesterone up, or I keep conceiving but not implanting. This would be confirmed by the cramping I got days 6-9. Will they do anything about this? No because I still don't have a positive pg test and they don't do an HCG blood draw without a call from me saying, "I got two lines," which I've never said before. Wait this is the "Good News" section? Stay positive. OK. No issues with progesterone = good news.
We can still rejoice in our victories this month: lefty works and Fertilaid makes a difference for Hammer. I'm going to order more after I post.
Also, I might be able to do another IUI this month because of how my cycle fell with my travel for work. I'll have to work these details out with the RE's office but I think I may have spoken too soon when I rejoiced over no more clomid.
The Blessings
I am actually not overly sad knowing that this cycle did not work, I know it's weird. Especially since I previously posted that I would likely be really crushed. When I told Hammer that Aunt Flow appeared to be on her way I had a moment. He looked at me and saw my face get all squishy because I was about to cry. He took my hand and said in a soft and calming voice, "Are you trying not to cry, don't cry, we'll be alright." And I knew in that second that it was alright, God was in control and we would be alright. I feel totally at peace and I recalled the verse:
Philippians 4:6 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I know that God has heard our cries, our prayers and pleadings for a baby. Our requests have been made known to Him for the last 2 years and 8 months. That fact is comforting but what is even more comforting is that He has given me the peace that is guarding my heart and my mind from overwhelming sadness. As it is human to do so I had my moments this month where I thought, "It didn't work" and "I think it worked" but I would stop and tell myself to guard my heart and prayed for God to grant me His peace. And now I am wrapped up in that peace, thank you Jesus.
The other thing that He's put in my heart is that we are very close. Yes, "very close." I have prayed over what that could mean. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't my own humanness to be subliminally banking on IVF and I can tell you now that it's not. Of course God's definition of close can be very different than our own. Very close to me is like going on a long car drive and after asking, "Are we there yet?," a bunch of times you finally get the answer of, "very soon", instead of just, "soon." And then 20 minutes later you reach your destination. If we look at God's definition it could be "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close"
"Sarah-close" was God telling Abraham who was 75 years of age at the time that He would make a great nation from Abraham's line. Then 15 years later God comes down and say to Abraham who is now 99 years old that his 90 year old wife, Sarah, would conceive but it took 16 years from the time of the prophecy and one surrogate son before Sarah gave birth to Issac.
"Hannah-close" was one of the rare cases when God closed a womb. Hannah was at the temple praying fervently with a passion that only us IFers understand and so passionately that the priest thought she was drunk. While we don't know exactly how long Hannah suffered with infertility we do know that on this day the priest said, "Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him." And then shortly after that it is written that after she laid with her husband, "...the LORD remembered her," she gave birth to Samuel and then she went on to bear several other children. One other thing that I find comforting about Hannah's story is that she also brought her petition to God just as Philippians tells us to do and her petition was heard!
In my human brain "Sarah-close" would equate to "soon" while "Hannah-close" would equate to "very soon." I don't know exactly which one I'm dealing with but I do know that in each instance when God gave insight into his plan they all came to fruition. So that will be the knowledge that I will cling to whether I am "Sarah-close" or "Hannah-close" because I am another month closer to the completion of God's plan.
On a side note, when I first started blogging I had posted about an insight I had into why Sarah laughed when God said she would bear a child at age 90. At this time in my TTC I had hit a low point and felt that I needed to keep the pre-prophecy name of Sarai instead of Sarah because I felt like God had not given me the word of His blessing for our family. Today, I called her Sarah.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Starting Over
So I've been thinking that since this last IUI we finally had normal SA numbers it's kind of like starting over again. As if this was month #1 of the first time we've TTC. Now it certainly does not help erase the years of actually TTC but it does help to put things into perspective. If this month doesn't work it's like not getting a BFP the first time ever trying, not unusual. Does that mean we should stop IF treatments because of one good SA result, no. There is more than just a sperm issue for us. I have endometriosis which affects egg quality and we still don't know if Hammer's sperm can penetrate my eggs. This issue is not unusual with people who have endometriosis. Endometriosis can also affect implantation so IVF would bypass part of that issue.
Basically, we're still on the same track but I think that this journey has brought us to a place where we may have gotten our bodies into the best 'shape' possible for IVF. I had the endometriosis removed and we've figured out how to improve our SA numbers. It's a long journey to get here with a lot of bumps in the road but all of them have had a purpose.
Basically, we're still on the same track but I think that this journey has brought us to a place where we may have gotten our bodies into the best 'shape' possible for IVF. I had the endometriosis removed and we've figured out how to improve our SA numbers. It's a long journey to get here with a lot of bumps in the road but all of them have had a purpose.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Finally
Well the ticker is back up. AF finally showed up and after 4 days of being late with negative tests, I was actually happy to see her. As I said in my previous post I'm really feeling fine with this month not being successful. I'm happy to be able to start our fifth and final IUI (4th clomid/hcg) regardless of the outcome.
Sooo... I start clomid this Thursday and have my u/s egg check next Thursday. So we'll be praying for another miracle and if not we'll start IVF in March.
Sooo... I start clomid this Thursday and have my u/s egg check next Thursday. So we'll be praying for another miracle and if not we'll start IVF in March.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Fresh Look
Well I'm home sick from work today so I've been playing around with new layouts. I thought this one looked pretty and calming. Let me know what you all think.
I spent the last three days in a clinic with sick kids so I shouldn't be surprised that last night I started to not feel good. I went to bed at 8 pm but woke only to find that I was feeling worse. My throat kills, muscle aches, congestion etc. I had to take the company car back into work because another coworker is taking it out today so I had to go in. I had originally arranged for my supervisor to drop me off at home but I don't want to pass along what I've got since it's in the early stages. So I gave my mom a call at 8 am and wouldn't you know she was passing through downtown at that very moment. So a hitched a ride with her and now I'm on the couch, laptop in tow and puppy passed out on my lap.
I hope this won't throw off my ovulation. The most I'm going to do this month is POAS to make sure we time ovulation but otherwise I'm taking off December. Speaking of which I think it's time to check...
....Ahhh, that's better. Results: No "O." Nope, not today. That might actually be a good thing though, maybe it will let me recover from whatever I've contracted.
Back to the scene of the cold crime:
My trip took me to a WIC clinic where I got to see tons of babies. Somehow I managed to make it through without seeing a prominently pregnant women. All the ones I saw were too early or too chubby (sorry!) to tell they were even expecting. That was some spiritual protection. There were several great families that I got to meet. And it was absolutely precious to watch a dad hold his sleeping daughter so lovingly. One family stood out to me though. This poor women, just 29 years old, was taking care of her younger sister's three kids from age 3 months to 4 years in addition to her own 4 year old daughter. The mother was placed in a drug rehab program so her sister was given temporary custody. The 3 month old showed signs of interuterine drug exposure i.e. not wanting to be held, inconsolable, shaking. The saddest part was that, according to her sister, the mom only ever asked about the oldest child. She would not acknowledge her newborn or second youngest child. In fact the sister has had guardianship of the middle child for the past year because he was being neglected. The middle child was so confused he was calling his Aunt "Mom" and cried every time he saw his real mom because he didn't know who she was. It was so heartbreaking.
I have to admit for a moment I struggled. Who wouldn't seeing the faces of those children. But I forced myself to focus on our path. I turned my thoughts to what our future was; success with IVF or adoption (or maybe both). I tried to think about if we adopted a little baby it might save them from a sad story such as the family I saw. Or maybe we were meant to go through IVF to have twins. I'm so impatient to know what our plan is and maybe that's my problem that I need to work on. Patience.
I spent the last three days in a clinic with sick kids so I shouldn't be surprised that last night I started to not feel good. I went to bed at 8 pm but woke only to find that I was feeling worse. My throat kills, muscle aches, congestion etc. I had to take the company car back into work because another coworker is taking it out today so I had to go in. I had originally arranged for my supervisor to drop me off at home but I don't want to pass along what I've got since it's in the early stages. So I gave my mom a call at 8 am and wouldn't you know she was passing through downtown at that very moment. So a hitched a ride with her and now I'm on the couch, laptop in tow and puppy passed out on my lap.
I hope this won't throw off my ovulation. The most I'm going to do this month is POAS to make sure we time ovulation but otherwise I'm taking off December. Speaking of which I think it's time to check...
....Ahhh, that's better. Results: No "O." Nope, not today. That might actually be a good thing though, maybe it will let me recover from whatever I've contracted.
Back to the scene of the cold crime:
My trip took me to a WIC clinic where I got to see tons of babies. Somehow I managed to make it through without seeing a prominently pregnant women. All the ones I saw were too early or too chubby (sorry!) to tell they were even expecting. That was some spiritual protection. There were several great families that I got to meet. And it was absolutely precious to watch a dad hold his sleeping daughter so lovingly. One family stood out to me though. This poor women, just 29 years old, was taking care of her younger sister's three kids from age 3 months to 4 years in addition to her own 4 year old daughter. The mother was placed in a drug rehab program so her sister was given temporary custody. The 3 month old showed signs of interuterine drug exposure i.e. not wanting to be held, inconsolable, shaking. The saddest part was that, according to her sister, the mom only ever asked about the oldest child. She would not acknowledge her newborn or second youngest child. In fact the sister has had guardianship of the middle child for the past year because he was being neglected. The middle child was so confused he was calling his Aunt "Mom" and cried every time he saw his real mom because he didn't know who she was. It was so heartbreaking.
I have to admit for a moment I struggled. Who wouldn't seeing the faces of those children. But I forced myself to focus on our path. I turned my thoughts to what our future was; success with IVF or adoption (or maybe both). I tried to think about if we adopted a little baby it might save them from a sad story such as the family I saw. Or maybe we were meant to go through IVF to have twins. I'm so impatient to know what our plan is and maybe that's my problem that I need to work on. Patience.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Egg Update
Well I'm back from my u/s to see how my egg stock is making out. Outcome:
eggs on the right - Total 2 (21 and 24)
eggs on the left - Total 0
Lining - 9
I'm about ready to take my left ovary out back and shoot it. Three times on clomid and all three it's playing hard to get. This does not make our outlook for IVF very good if I only have one ovary to work with = less crop for harvesting.
I was able to discuss the 'what if this doesn't work' plan with my RE. Because we are doing a clomid/IUI with this cycle ending in early December that only leaves us with about 7 weeks to work with before my travel schedule with work picks up in Feb. He didn't feel that was adequate and we'd run into trouble with our time line. So instead, IF this doesn't work this month, we'll do 1-2 more rounds of clomid/IUI until February. I'll drive around the state for work Feb-May and some time in April he thought we can start the prepping process for IVF, that way my body will be ready to go once my travel stops.
In some ways I'm disappointed. Disappointed that nothing looked any different from the u/s this time around than it did before my surgery, that we'll have to wait longer than I'd like to try IVF, which in turn pushes back the mental adoption time line I had started to create.
Crap! I did it again! I just realized I started another plan, another solo me-minus-God plan. Just now I realized that I'm disappointed because the new plan I'd been formulating didn't work out. This is really a sickness I have here. I mean I know I'm type A but jeez, I snuck this in even under my own nose. I guess it's good that I caught myself. I guess I got what I needed, another month where nothing looks any different so I'm back to depending on God to work it out for the best. Humbling, isn't.
Although one good thing did happen. My two eggs are big enough for us to do the hcg shot tonight and then the IUI is scheduled bright and early Saturday morning. That means I don't have to take off work on Monday or Tuesday as I had originally feared. Whew!
Our record thus far is 0-30 months. I sure could use some prayer this weekend for a successful cycle.
eggs on the right - Total 2 (21 and 24)
eggs on the left - Total 0
Lining - 9
I'm about ready to take my left ovary out back and shoot it. Three times on clomid and all three it's playing hard to get. This does not make our outlook for IVF very good if I only have one ovary to work with = less crop for harvesting.
I was able to discuss the 'what if this doesn't work' plan with my RE. Because we are doing a clomid/IUI with this cycle ending in early December that only leaves us with about 7 weeks to work with before my travel schedule with work picks up in Feb. He didn't feel that was adequate and we'd run into trouble with our time line. So instead, IF this doesn't work this month, we'll do 1-2 more rounds of clomid/IUI until February. I'll drive around the state for work Feb-May and some time in April he thought we can start the prepping process for IVF, that way my body will be ready to go once my travel stops.
In some ways I'm disappointed. Disappointed that nothing looked any different from the u/s this time around than it did before my surgery, that we'll have to wait longer than I'd like to try IVF, which in turn pushes back the mental adoption time line I had started to create.
Crap! I did it again! I just realized I started another plan, another solo me-minus-God plan. Just now I realized that I'm disappointed because the new plan I'd been formulating didn't work out. This is really a sickness I have here. I mean I know I'm type A but jeez, I snuck this in even under my own nose. I guess it's good that I caught myself. I guess I got what I needed, another month where nothing looks any different so I'm back to depending on God to work it out for the best. Humbling, isn't.
Although one good thing did happen. My two eggs are big enough for us to do the hcg shot tonight and then the IUI is scheduled bright and early Saturday morning. That means I don't have to take off work on Monday or Tuesday as I had originally feared. Whew!
Our record thus far is 0-30 months. I sure could use some prayer this weekend for a successful cycle.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Fabulous! (with just a hint of sarcasm)
Well I just can't believe this is happening. So we get to sleep in an extra hour because its the annual "change you clocks back" day. I'm taking advantage of getting plenty of rest and lounging around in my pj's until I have to head off to our 11 o'clock church service. I start to realize that while I have persistently been feeling crampy for quite a few days now, this morning is feeling far worse than the last few. I contemplate maybe starting some ibuprofen a bit early this cycle to head off what I anticipate to be massive cramps. When what to my surprise...AF has made an unexpected early visit. Fabulous!
Now I 'pride' myself on the fact that my dear AF is always on time; predictable to the nth degree. But not this month, this month she's four days early. Fabulous! I really do not get to see enough of her. So thus ends our six months of trying post laproscopy. What a flipping waste of time. I'd have been better off ignoring our RE's advice and push for continuing treatment. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. Let's take a look at 'hindsight' shall we:
Synopsis of a failed 6 month trial "au natural":
Month 1, May: Ended up out on a business trip during o-week, the hub was going to drive down to where I was staying but several tornado's ripped through our state preventing him from driving down unless he wanted a free ride "Dorothy style." Not worth risking his life.
Month 2, June: My uncle was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Kind of a mood killer. Ended up in a house filled with my family members so everyone could visit with my uncle in the hospital post surgery. No where to 'do the deed.'
Month 3, July: The hub was supposed to be out of town on a business trip but I ended up 0-ing early. Finally a chance, but it failed to work.
Month 4, August: Another failed cycle. I actually didn't even ovulate. That NEVER happens to me, except this month.
Month 5, September: Went on a weekend getaway to help us 'relax,' but that didn't pan out either.
Month 6, October: Went to Marco Island, did nothing but sleep in and lie on a beach. Should have been the most relaxing 0-week of my life and AF has the audacity to show up early.
So Monday I will be calling our RE office to schedule our third clomid/hcg/IUI treatment. I'll only agree to one, after that I want to do IVF. I'm done waiting around. Clearly my cycles are starting to change from ridiculously regular to annovulatory and shorter luteal phases. My eggs are getting older and I'm not going to sit around any longer and wait for them to keep spoiling on us.
On a side note, I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at my stupid body which failed to get the memo that it's supposed to play nice and grow babies. Dumb uterus.
Now I 'pride' myself on the fact that my dear AF is always on time; predictable to the nth degree. But not this month, this month she's four days early. Fabulous! I really do not get to see enough of her. So thus ends our six months of trying post laproscopy. What a flipping waste of time. I'd have been better off ignoring our RE's advice and push for continuing treatment. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. Let's take a look at 'hindsight' shall we:
Synopsis of a failed 6 month trial "au natural":
Month 1, May: Ended up out on a business trip during o-week, the hub was going to drive down to where I was staying but several tornado's ripped through our state preventing him from driving down unless he wanted a free ride "Dorothy style." Not worth risking his life.
Month 2, June: My uncle was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Kind of a mood killer. Ended up in a house filled with my family members so everyone could visit with my uncle in the hospital post surgery. No where to 'do the deed.'
Month 3, July: The hub was supposed to be out of town on a business trip but I ended up 0-ing early. Finally a chance, but it failed to work.
Month 4, August: Another failed cycle. I actually didn't even ovulate. That NEVER happens to me, except this month.
Month 5, September: Went on a weekend getaway to help us 'relax,' but that didn't pan out either.
Month 6, October: Went to Marco Island, did nothing but sleep in and lie on a beach. Should have been the most relaxing 0-week of my life and AF has the audacity to show up early.
So Monday I will be calling our RE office to schedule our third clomid/hcg/IUI treatment. I'll only agree to one, after that I want to do IVF. I'm done waiting around. Clearly my cycles are starting to change from ridiculously regular to annovulatory and shorter luteal phases. My eggs are getting older and I'm not going to sit around any longer and wait for them to keep spoiling on us.
On a side note, I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at my stupid body which failed to get the memo that it's supposed to play nice and grow babies. Dumb uterus.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
5 Down, One To Go
So Aunt Flow reared her ugly head and we’re now officially into the final month, dreaded number six. Yesterday I called the RE’s office to make sure that we are ready for November. I hate to sound like “Debbie Downer” assuming that October will fail but I’m also trying to be realistic. To catch people up, our RE had us try exploratory surgery to rule out endometriosis. I ended up having stage one (not bad but still…) and so he told us to take 6 months off treatments to see if we could conceive on our own. And so we find ourselves here, five months later and still not pregnant. He had initially wanted us to try another 2-3 rounds of clomid/hcg/IUI but at this point I don’t even want to bother with it. I’d rather just move on to IVF. I feel like I’ve wasted another 6 months of my life. If we could have conceived on our own it would have happened by now (It’s been 2 ½ years!), we’ve done three IUI’s already and I have only a short window of time before my travel picks up at my job. That would make IVF nearly impossible because I’ll be out of town almost every other week. I feel like I could scream and cry all at the same time.
I typically love the fall and love my birthday but this year I could just crawl into a hole and let the whole thing pass by without me. It totally stinks that I’m not only turning 30 but also struggling with infertility. I had always thought that I’d have at least two children by now but clearly this was not supposed to be. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I just need to start grieving the loss of our dream. I know that I haven’t done IVF yet but because it’s the ‘last ditch effort’ it brings up these feelings. I’ve read a few blogs from women who have been successful with IVF but I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because it worked for them does not mean that will for us. I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy so I don’t even know if my baby-maker even works. Plus we really can only afford to do one treatment without dipping into our savings that we have been setting aside for adoption. Ugh! Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and this will all seem better in the morning. That or chocolate.
I typically love the fall and love my birthday but this year I could just crawl into a hole and let the whole thing pass by without me. It totally stinks that I’m not only turning 30 but also struggling with infertility. I had always thought that I’d have at least two children by now but clearly this was not supposed to be. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I just need to start grieving the loss of our dream. I know that I haven’t done IVF yet but because it’s the ‘last ditch effort’ it brings up these feelings. I’ve read a few blogs from women who have been successful with IVF but I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because it worked for them does not mean that will for us. I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy so I don’t even know if my baby-maker even works. Plus we really can only afford to do one treatment without dipping into our savings that we have been setting aside for adoption. Ugh! Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and this will all seem better in the morning. That or chocolate.
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