Cutting All Ties

So for those of you who follow my blog, you might remember my friend who got pregnant during the time I was miscarrying. She had been diagnosed with PCOS back when she was a teenager and had been on BCPs ever since. I said she wasn’t a ‘true infertile’ because she had never gone through infertility with her husband but only had the possibility because of her condition. It's not true infertility when you are told you have PCOS as a teenager and then get pregnant on the first try. She never went through months of failed cycles and treatments. Just jumped in the sack on a chance that she was ovulating and *BAM* pregnant.

I had remained supportive of her even though we chose not to go to Chic.ago for NYE with them as it was too soon after our loss. But apparently she has harbored some strange issue with me and it finally came out last week.

I had planned a dinner out with her because I needed to talk to her about an issue I was having regarding a pattern with her behavior in a public setting. She is one of those people who live in an environment of conflict. Everywhere she goes she creates conflict although she is completely oblivious of it and can’t see that maybe she is actually the problem and not everyone else. There is no filter on her tongue so she says whatever she feels regardless of how it might affect another person. (Actually that is a direct quote from her lips!)

I knew that this might be a difficult discussion because she ‘fights dirty.’ I’ve learned this through her sharing about fights she has with her spouse. And this is not one-on-one conversations with me. She will talk in a large group of people about fights that they have where she will slam, lock and barricade doors or throw his cloths out of the window etc. And the thing that bothers me the most is that she says it with pride, like she is proud that she behaves this way. She is so degrading to her husband in these conversations that people have asked Hammer and I if their marriage is O.K. Which I suppose makes sense because the last fight they got into was about the “That’s what she said joke” where she balled him out in front of all of his friends for saying it and then later she told me they fought over it where she eventually exclaimed that she did not want to be married to him. All over a stupid joke. And of course she shared that story with anyone who was within earshot.

So why am I going into detail about this? Because this is the subject I had to talk to her about. The fact that she is sharing details of her marriage in a non-constructive format in a large public setting and it’s making some people uncomfortable. I totally support sharing issues with people you are seeking input, guidance or counsel from but this is different. She is almost taking pleasure in sharing her stories because I think she likes the ‘shock factor.’ I’ve called her out a couple of times in the middle of her stories to ask if she really behaved that way and caught her in blatant exaggerations which leads me to believe that she’s really just doing most of the talking for the response that she gets from others – still wrong!

So since I was approached a number of times by other people along with having our own concerns I decided that it was time to talk. I kept the conversation strictly to people being made to feel uncomfortable about her non-constructive speech in a group setting. That way I wouldn’t be overstepping my bounds. And that’s when she dropped the unforgivable bomb.

In a statement totally unrelated to what we were talking about she said the following:

“You know I thought that you and I would be on this infertility journey together but I’ve realized now that I am pregnant that we have nothing in common.”

I remember it like it just happened. I will never forget it. Hammer even questioned if maybe I misunderstood her. Oh no. Believe me. I remember ever single word; every inflection in her voice. It was the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.

And she said it just to be cruel. Just to cut me at my deepest most vulnerable point. She said it to get the upper hand in the conversation. But it didn’t work. I think I handled it gracefully. I simply ignored it and kept on addressing the real issue at hand. To have addressed it would have derailed the conversation and given her control but I would not let her have her victory. I could tell by the look on her face that she was floundering, her tactic hadn’t worked and she was still stuck having to face the original conversation that brought us there.

When I got into my car and was heading home I just started bawling. I have never met someone so intentionally mean but yet with no remorse for the consequences of her actions. I knew at that moment that she had cause irreparable damage. Our friendship was over. But at the same time I realized what she said was true but just not regarding the fact that she is now pregnant. We really do not have anything in common because I now see who she truly is and I don’t want someone like that in my life. She is intentionally mean, caustic, and bitter. I found out later that this is not the first time someone has talked to her about her behavior before but because she does not feel any conviction from the Lord to change, she hasn’t. That confuses me. I have had people talk to me saying that I was too blunt and it bothered them. I didn’t feel conviction over it but because it had hurt someone, out of respect for them I made an effort to be more sensitive. You don’t need conviction to change; you just need some decency and a dose of respect for other fellow human beings. Seriously, that has to be the most pathetic excuse for poor behavior.

The sad thing is that it might affect Hammer’s relationship with her husband. They were friends first and ‘us wives’ were just introduced. Other than being friends for the sake of Hammer, I have no reason to continue on. Fortunately Hammer is 100% supportive of my decision to cut my ties with her. He has even defended me in a recent conversation between himself and her husband regarding the issue. It was interesting to hear it from his perspective because, not surprisingly, she left out a few things – like the evil statement! And when Hammer set the record straight and told her husband about it he was livid with his wife and totally shocked that she would say something like that to me. (Apparently infertility is a personal issue for her husband as well because his sister had to do IVF) So I don’t think this issue is over quite yet but at least for me I have no desire to reconcile with her. Do you blame me?