Last Thursday my IVF countdown showed this:
One month away. At this point, it could not come fast enough. I am about to start my second to last period before IVF. These last few weeks have been crazy and difficult. Literally everyone I know is expecting. At work one of my coworkers who has an 18 month old just announce she is expecting...twins, natural twins. On top of three other pregnancy announcements. I have never felt more left behind than ever before.
Last week as my ticker clicked down to the one month mark and I was days away from my second to last period before IVF I had a total crying meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a very, very long time. I cried because this nearly four year long journey has literally taken it's toll on me. I'm so tired both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally. When Hammer stated that he only wanted to try IVF one more time I was sad thinking about the what-ifs of not putting a cap on attempts. But now as our last cycle looms before us it's almost a relief that no matter what happens change will come.
I have continued to see our chiropractor and while we haven't experienced pregnancy (as they were so convinced that this would be the cure) I have had some other relief from pain. As I was lying there on the table he told me that I have an energy about me, that he could sense something was going to happen. Later that same week I had a coworker tell me a very similar thing. I think maybe it's because June will be that turning point for us. Either we get pregnant or we don't and we move forward for the first time in four years. We've been stuck on this infertility treatment detour for way to long. I've been mentally chewing on several options which I think is good because that way I have a healthy focus on an alternate future if things don't go well. Part of that future involves a possible job promotion and going back to school which I'm going to go for regardless of IVF outcome. Here are my options:
A. Apply for promotion & get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
B. Apply for promotion & don't get it, get prego, work until due date, be a SAHM, go back to school in a year
C. Apply for promotion & get it, not prego, go back to school for prerequisites, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
D. Apply for promotion & don't get it, not prego, quit job and get PT graduate assistant job to go back to school full time
So clearly there is change on the horizon. I didn't want to get into all the boring details but it's a summary. I have wanted to go back to school for some time but because of having to stay at my job for retirement reasons (state retirement plan) for at least five years AND it being nearly impossible to try to do my job (which includes travel), plus treatments, plus school - we focused on job &; treatments first. I think throwing myself into school for a new career will help with the long adoption wait time as well, which is our baby plan B. I know that if this cycle does not work I will need some time to mourn and I will do that. But I also needed to know that if an alternate future is a head of us that I have a focus and a hope waiting and that the world will not end in June.
On a side note, my ex-friend became an issue last week as well. Our bible study had lost a few members from people moving out of state and so our leader when to a bible study meeting that was to help people get connected into a group. Apparently the ex-friend was there and was looking for a group to join. Unbeknownst to our leader, she had spoke to him about joining. Later that day we were hanging out with our leader (R) and his wife (J), who happen to be the other couple in our group dealing with infertility. He mentioned who he had spoken to and that they were likely to join. I wasn't sure what to say because I don't want to be that person who bad-mouths about other people. But later in the conversation with J, she asked about ex-friend because they knew we were 'friends' with them and if ex-friend was nice etc. I ended up telling her about the issue we had with them and that I didn't know if she should join our group especially since there are two other women, besides myself, dealing with infertility. R & J were great about the whole thing. Aside from being shocked about what she said and totally agreeing with our decisions about their public behavior and cutting off friendship; they made sure that ex-friend was connected into another group. It was such a relief to the both of us and continues to solidify for us that God has put us into this new church community and bible study and we are so excited about our new group of friends who are already showing us support and love.
**Sorry for the long delay in posting as we were out of town this past week cleaning out Hammer's dad's house and moving his stuff into our basement. It was not a fun week but it does close another chapter for us.