Friday, September 17, 2010

‘E’ is for Exhausted

‘E’ is also for Estrogen, which I have little to none of right now and is cause of the aforementioned exhaustion. Who knew just how important estrogen was on your energy levels until you take a drug that tells your body to stop making it. Do I remember being this tired on the long lupron protocol? The other problem is that lack of estrogen also affects your memory so…I can’t remember! It’s just too funny. Thank God for acupuncture appointments because A) I get a 30 min nap twice a week and B) the treatments help me sleep a bit better for about a day or two. 

The other thing 'E' is for is *Eurp* which is the sound the body makes when it’s about to *ahem* …lose its lunch. Now on IVF#3 I do remember feeling that way very, very clearly but it was due to the dexamethazone with both Hammer and I were on. We could not wait until we were finished. Between the two of us, I think we ate 1 ½ boxes of saltine crackers in a week to try and keep the nausea at bay. So all I have to do is remember how bad I felt last cycle and this nausea is totally manageable. 

So I have my suppression check next Tuesday and from all the symptoms above I think I’m going to be suppressed. Plus let’s recall that with my last three IVF’s I had E2’s all under 15 (yes I said 15 not 51, I get REALLY suppressed) I think they want you anywhere between 25-75 but I lost the argument with the RE about pulling back on the lupron a bit. Whatever; just give me my stims on the 25th so I can get this E2 back up and start getting some decent sleep. I know that the only timing difference between the microdose lupron protocol of IVF#3 and long lupron is the extra week between stopping the BCP and starting the stims but when you are this tired it feels like an eternity. It’s like the key to feeling rested lies in a vial in my fridge but I can’t use it for a whole 2 weeks. Basically my fridge is taunting me every time I open it, “Ha Ha I have your Gonal and you can’t have it.”

It might also be because we are just both ready for this cycle to be over with and the outcome known. So I guess ‘E’ is also for Expectations. It’s hard to be really excited about this cycle. Can God still let us get pregnant this time? Absolutely! If we didn’t believe it we wouldn’t be doing another cycle. But it’s so different going into a fourth cycle versus a first cycle. And I also think its different going into this cycle after a miscarriage. I don’t have the first time giddiness, I don’t have the desire to buy baby items ‘just in case,’ there is a cautiousness that I haven’t had before. I was talking with an IRL friend who is also going on five years of TTC with a history of miscarriage and we were literally planning what was going to happen after our cycles AND THEY HADN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET! How horribly wrong of us. It’s like saying to God, “Yes God I know you gave us the green light on this cycle but instead of spending my time praying and believing that you could make this cycle work I’m going to plan for what comes next.” I totally know it’s a survival method to protect myself from disappointment and to give myself hope for a future if it ends badly, or worse, in another miscarriage. I’m so glad I caught myself doing it and was able to stop and remind myself that by planning ahead I’m not praying for the eggs that I will be growing that COULD be our baby. I think I needed that wake up call. I know I’m not going to be giddy with excitement like the first time, I know I’m looking at this from a more realistic perspective, but I also know that God is bigger than my fears and doubts. He’s asked us to take this step with Him one more time so in faith we are doing it. I think I just need to 'mentally' move forward one step at a time, focus on what is going on right now and be in prayer about it. And then when we accomplish that step, we’ll move on to the next. So suppression accomplished? Check. Next step, follicles (which start with ‘F.’)*

*Hey my last two blog titles are in alphabetical order (D= Vitamin D, E= Exhaustion) so why not, ‘F’ is for Follicle? Too bad I skipped over A, B, & C. Oh well.


Allison said...

I'm so glad you had that wake-up call and can now focus on the cycle you're in. It's so hard to proceed with things and not protect our hearts, though, by planning ahead, after it's over. Sending you many thoughts and prayers.

Tabitha said...

Beautiful, honest post! I'm praying for you and your miracle(s)!

kdactyl said...

I had the same lupron issues as RE told me to take 1/2 unisom tablet every night before helped with both the sleeplessness and the nausea. I also then get the pregnancy insomnia so continue to take it while pregnant and all is good. I totally understand your cautiousness. We lost twins at 10 weeks and then decided to do more took two more and each time I was more gaurded than the last....but that is normal. And now we have our 2yr old and another baby on the way (but this baby is a result of donated embryos...we needed a new plan after how long it took us with the first one). point is....keep your trust in GOD...He is greater than your doubts or fears...he will hold the hope for you but don't be afraid to have a little of your own...hope feels when you have it...hold onto it is kind of like food for the soul.
I will be praying for a wonderful outcome this cycle....and I think I really like the alphabet themed posts. I look forward to "F".

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

I hope this cycle gives you everything you want and more. You deserve it 100%.

Amber said...

Great post, I'm in the same place...we're going off b/c tomorrow to start our fet. Our LAST attempt. BUT, we are currently getting info on adoption. Not that I don't believe it can happen...ok...after 3 failed ivf's, my faith is lacking...but I just want to be informed NOW so if it doesn't work, we'll be ready to move on. Your post really helped remind me that I need to focus on my 2 frosties and this last cyle instead of planning for after. thanks and best of luck!

Amber said...

I'm praying for the two of us. I offically started stims last night. Boy is my tummy sore this morning.

Hillary said...

Amen and amen! I, too, have recently been gaining some hope and motivation to pray for success in our next IVF. Praying for God to answer your cries and bless you with a pregnancy!

Jenny H said...

expecting a miracle for you this cycle! Praying for you in your "E" state. You should see some energy improvement with the extra vit D your taking too.
sending happy thougths your way and faith to hold on to Hope one more time!
Jenny H

Amber said...

Just wondering how your cycle is going??