Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day By Day

That’s how I’ve taken things, one day at a time. The first few days were spent very tearful and I was thankful to still be at the beach where I could just ‘be’ and hide my red swollen eyes behind sunglasses. On the way home we stopped to visit one of my husband’s best friends. When they get together it’s a non-stop laughing session. And we needed it. We needed to laugh so hard at the dumbest things until our sides hurt, until it hurt to breathe, until we cried because for the last few days these things were brought on by sorrow and not laughter. We needed laughter.

During the drive home we tried to talk about ‘what next’ because it’s helpful to me but not for Hammer. He needed time and I needed to plan and the discussions were not productive. So we had to back off. I found it more difficult to handle the emotions now that we were headed home. Its one thing to lie on a beach and accept the outcome but it’s another to have to head back to your life and realize that it will not include a pregnancy and a child of our own.

We both took the day after our return off of work to recover, do laundry and catch up on things. It was also an intentional day off just in case things didn’t go ‘as planned’, which they didn’t, and I thought I would need an extra day to just absorb everything that had happened. At work I put on a ‘happy face’ and gushed about the perfect weather, kayaking in the ocean, watching dolphins, everything except the most important thing because I keep my work life separate from my personal. On my first two days back I had to conduct a training for about 20 staff. It’s one I do twice a year so I know it like the back of my hand and it was so good for me to not have time to think and to just be busy.

And so we’ve kept busy by having dinner with friends, seeing local music, attending fall parties; anything and everything so we don’t have to think about what could have been. I’ve gone four days without crying. I’ve held newborn babies. I’ve laughed. I’ve eaten sushi and drank wine. But I don’t feel free. I thought that after it was over that I’d feel ready to move on to something new that held more promise of expanding our family. Maybe I just need more time. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t explain it.

Hammer and I have talked some more now that we’ve assimilated back into our regular schedules. There is just one last piece that both of us want to pursue. Hammer has never been evaluated for MFI. After all this time (4 years!) we’ve had mixed opinions by our doctors on is or is he not affected by MFI. His first SA showed him just above the cut off for normal. His first three IUI post washes were a dismal 11, 13 & 17 million. And of course, let’s not forget his DNA frag at 48%. We did find out that after vitaminizing the heck out of him he posted a prewash of 100 mil and a post wash of 56 mil. But clearly whatever is affecting the DNA is making a viable pregnancy impossible. So we’d like to at least have someone check to see if there is something that can be corrected. Even if we are going to be pursing adoption that does not mean that we’re not going to be praying for a miracle so why not at least check things out. This means that we’ll also be looking into a urologist in our area that specializes in MFI just to make sure that we haven’t missed anything. We will also have our last WTF(lip) appointment on the 11th where we hope to find out more about our clinic’s embryo donation program, get a copy of our records and find out if they have recommendations for a referral for Hammer.

But for right now my goal is five days without crying.


kdactyl said...

I think your current plan is a good one...My DH always knew he had low count, but had never really been fully evaluated for MFI either until I started pushing during our IUI and IVF cycles because it just seemed like there had to be more. Come to find out his morphology was ICSI became our only hope and they went in to choose the good looking swimmer....even with that and a lot of embryos transferred (4)...we got one child and it was a miracle. So I really like your plan to have the Hammer evaluated...probably not the most fun activity for him...but the info is worth it...especially if you got such great counts after all the vitimins.

I also think you are handling this sooooo well. I was a wreck when I thought we had done our last IVF and still no baby. I had every intention of moving forward with adoption....but my heart and mind had to grieve the loss of a biological child and that was hard....luckily, we chose to go one more time and we got it....but for our 2nd...we didn't even try...we went strait to embryo adoption and although logically I know she is not genetically ours.....the love feels the same as with our son. So I'm glad you are open to adoption because the blessings there are immense as well.


Amber said...

I think of you so often. My heart breaks for you and DH. I think that you are going about things really well.

Amber said...

Praying for you and dh. Praying for peace and direction, and time to heal.

Mrs. Katia said...

I'm really impressed by the strength you're showing and the clarity with which you're viewing everything. Kudos to you — I might not be so strong.

I have been thinking about your situation and wanted to let you know about something, especially since you might be looking into MFI. Some DNA fragmentation in men can't be helped because something with the transporting system subjects the s.perm to too many free radicals. In these cases, testicular s.perm aspiration can help. It's where they stick a needle in the testicle (ugh!) and extract premature sperm pre-transport. Often these sperm have a much lower DFI. Here's a brief summary:

You've probably researched that, but I wanted to be sure you know about it since his DFI was so high in the last test.

Rooting for you two!!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Im glad you were able to get some good laughs in. I can only imagine how good that must have felt.

Good luck with making it 5 days. Remember, theres nothing wrong with a good cry.

Whatever step you decide to take next, know youll have support!!

Hillary said...

Thinking of you often. ((hugs))

Roo said...

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your last cycle didn’t work; it just sucks, and if anyone deserved it to work it was you two. Like lots of people I have been following your story and just want you to know how much your blog has helped me to figure out the whole complicated process of IVF and all the associated tests. We have male factor as well as mild endo and have mirrored your journey up to now with 1 failed IVF and one miscarriage. I just want to hold out a bit of hope for you... a scientist attached to our clinic is about to start trials this year to produce a simple (and inexpensive!) way of figuring out which sperm have fragmented DNA and which are the healthy ones to inject for ICSI. I guess this is a long-term development, and you understandably want your children now, but it could be on the market relatively soon, and if your other options don’t work out, this might help you. ( I so hope everything works out for you quickly and that you get some good pointers at your follow up appointment. Hope you managed your 5 days without tears. Xx.