Coming up for air

I’m sorry to have disappeared for such a long time but I’ve been around and trying to keep up with you all by reading your blogs although I’ve not been commenting. Before I update you all I’d like to congratulate those of you who have had surprise miracle pregnancies as they give me much hope and I really need that right about now.

I’ve realized that part of my issues is that my mind has had to have time to decompress and comprehend  everything that happened. With our tragedy occurring around the winter holiday times and being so sudden it was like my mind had blockaded off my emotions and prevented me from dealing with what all had occurred. But then we had a life event that really brought it to the forefront.

The weekend before we realized we were pregnant, Hammer and I had attended my cousin’s wedding. It was a ‘shot-gun’ wedding as she was already 4 ½ months pregnant. So when March rolled around we received an invitation for her couples baby shower. Hammer and I have been very supportive of the whole situation (it’s so much more involved that I can get into here) so we knew we were going. But when the weekend of the shower arrived it brought with it all the emotions that had been locked away.

The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine if you were standing in front of a dam that was bursting at the seams. You knew that it was going to break but there was nowhere to run and no telling when it would happen. And then something triggered those walls to finally give way and the water poured forth consuming everything in its wake.

I was sitting at the shower realizing that as the eldest granddaughter I would not be the one to have the first great grandchild. And every woman at the shower was pregnant or had an infant with them (except for my aunt and grandmother of course). And then it hit me. If we had not lost our baby I would be pregnant right now. That was the trigger and I was completely consumed with all the emotions that had been bursting to come forward for months. Thank God Hammer had come with me to the shower so that he could get me out of there and fast. It was more than I could handle but it needed to happen and I’ve finally had to come to terms with my emotions. That’s why I’ve been quiet for some time because I didn’t even know to write about what was going on because it was all so much to take in.

During these past few weeks we also had our repeat DNA test. The results were better but not stellar. Hammer definitely has that rare issue where his pre-sperm are fine (before they grow their tail) but during the maturation process as they make their way to the tes.tes to await eja.culati.on they get bombarded by free radicals and it destroys the DNA. We went from 48% to 27%, so we almost cut it in half and it is good that it’s under 30%. But it still leaves us in the borderline abnormal range. We are waiting to hear back from our urologist with his recommendations and because of the Easter holiday and Hammer's travel, it’s been difficult to set up a phone conference.

I’ve also been setting things up to get my prerequisites done so that I can start my program next summer. Fertility or home study have been on the back burner until we knew the results of the repeat DNA but things may start moving one way or another in the next few months as well.

We’re also finally figuring things out with this Ovacue machine a bit better to help make it work to our advantage with Hammer’s issue. It was actually helpful to have the DNA test this cycle because it helped us figure out the best way for us to TTC naturally and at one point we swore that it might have worked but now we’re pretty sure AF is on the way. Maybe next month, right?