Last night my mom told me she had a dream that she took my old room and turned it into a nursery with all my old baby things because she needed it to watch her new grand-baby while I went to work. While I don't believe in signs I do know that one day this dream will come true whether its via my womb or the gift of adoption.
I'm not holding onto false hope with this round of clomid (day 5 - last day of pills!) but if it's our plan for this to be the month I would be more than happy with that outcome. Like I've said before, I feel like God may be leading us to adoption but even my husband does not feel that we would never have a child of our own. It's just that if we were not on this journey, would we even consider adoption? Probably not. And if this is part of that greater plan, then so be it. I committed to following God's plan back when I was only 7 years old and gave my heart to Jesus while spending the summer with my grandparents. I've tried to go my own way before just to find out that I was utterly lost without Him. I know from experience that there is no life apart from Him. And while I have moments where I want to pull away and shout that I don't like this path and want to find my own way to motherhood, I instead find myself back on my knees in front of His throne. Because when it comes down to it, I have no where else to go and there is no other path worth taking.
"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."
I was dreading this Saturday because I had to attend a baby shower for one of my coworkers who is due in December. She's just a few months older than I am, only married a little over a year and got pregnant 'by accident' while training for a marathon. While I could go into details about how unfair that is I won't since it's not going to be any help to my clomid-induced mental status.
I worried that my day would end in sobbing tears after warding off side comments and jests about who they would be hosting the next baby shower for in the office. I being the next 'eligible candidate' because I'm the only married women of child-bearing age who has yet to produce spawn out of the 50 people in my department. I already know all eyes are expectantly on me and this was a prime moment for all present to ask their questions without being deemed nosey as we were all at a baby shower i.e. baby interrogations deemed appropriate for discussion.
I must have been protected by my higher power because, I kid you not, I did not have one question posed to me regarding my current baby-making status. And, I did not cry AT ALL yesterday. When I had just one small moment of weakness and my mind began to wander down the road of, "When will I have [insert whiny infertile comment]," I caught myself and gave a mental cry of, "Faith!," which effectively squelched the stinkn' thinkn' that would have inevitably followed.
What was even more encouraging came later that day. The hub and I went over to my parents house for dinner. My parents were cooking up a Clam Bake which is an excessive over-indulged annual event where we take a massive pot and toss in clams, chicken, potatoes, corn, and seasoning. Then we feast and transport home leftovers to make clam chowder etc. My brother, Aunt and Uncle joined in the fun. My mom pulled me aside during the evening to see how I was doing on the clomid and just in general. Life had been so busy for the two of us we hadn't talked all week until yesterday. I shared with her my updates and filled her in on what God had revealed to me from last weekend. As I talked about the verse in Isaiah and how it was connected to last Sunday's service I started quoting the verse to her. My mom's jaw dropped and she started saying it word for word with me. God had given that verse to her years ago when she was going through a difficult time. It was just a cool bonding connection to share with one another. It also confirmed that, in this world where Satan desires to make us feel alienated and alone to push us into despair, God breaks through and builds connections, to shed hope and light and let us know that we do not carry our burdens alone.
Did someone turn up the heat in here? My gosh I'm having a 'personal summer' not to mention a roaring migraine. I forgot the side effects from these things. I'm going to go shove my head in the freezer here in a moment. The best thing is I only have three more pills to go.
If you've never been on clomid before let me tell you something. You will understand what it is like to be in menopause and will be able to sympathize with every women you know who is currently going through the 'change.'
Why would I say that? Because when I had to explain to her that on Monday (Nov 17) or Tuesday (Nov 18) I would have to flex my time out in the am for our IUI she didn't question it. Now we have a major two day meeting on that Monday/Tuesday but my body does not check with my work schedule when planning out it's next cycle. It's not like I can control that part. And my manager's mentality towards it all is, "Who am I to deny your schedule for something like this when this could be the month. That is not my role to decide that and I won't live with that on my conscious." - How awesome is she!
The issue came when she had to talk to our supervisor about my 'possible' schedule change. Keep in mind the actual outcome won't be known until my egg check day on Thursday (Nov 13) but due to company policy I had to turn in my flex schedule already. Our supervisor is aware of of my infertility issues and treatment schedule but does not want to approve my flex because of the meeting. But she cannot disapprove it yet because the day is not set yet. My manager told me she is arguing with her that people have missed this meeting before for less important things. Not only that but I'm not missing the whole meeting but only four hours which I intend to make up that work time later in the week.
My manager stressed to me that I should not worry about this and I agreed with her. No one will get in my way and I will do whatever I have to do for my family. Either way I have 'Personal Hours' that I can use if I have to. This is a benefit of being an union employee. The definition of personal hours allows me to use them for whatever I want, whenever I want and without question or ability to disapprove them by my superiors.
So go ahead and disapprove my flex time, I tried to give you a 40 hr work week but you wouldn't work with me. There are bigger things in life than meetings.
Side note: My supervisor also tried to tell me about her "struggles with infertility" but this woman had four boys and her complaint was that she wanted to try to have a girl when she was 39 years old and couldn't. THAT IS NOT INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So clearly she does not understand what it is to be trying for JUST ONE BABY for almost 2 1/2 years. The whole time she was talking I felt like I was in a Peanuts cartoon, "Wont wont wont wa, wa wont wa wa wont" I can't hear you, la la la la, ridiculous fertile person complaining about not being able to have a baby when you were advanced in years and after already birthing 4 children, la la la la....
So today I made the big phone call to the RE office. I'm starting my 50mg of clomid x 5 days on Wednesday and will be going in for my egg check on Thursday Nov 13th. That means we should be doing the IUI sometime between the 16-18 (Sun-Tues).
After my post regarding AF's unexpected arrival I showered and headed off to church. Now I love our church. Ever since we started going there I've just been so impressed by the teachings. I feel like Jesus is standing up there on the stage half of the time and saying, "Hey listen to this! I wrote this just for you to hear." So consequently I'm moved to almost tears during about 90% of the services over the past year. This is very strange for me as I grew up a Baptist which is traditionally a very conservative denomination. We don't clap to songs (or even after a special music piece!), we don't raise our hands to worship music and the most rousing thing is when the older men in the back make a quick, "Amen." Since college, my husband and I have been attending non-denominational Churches which have a live band playing worship music, people clap, some raise hands, and you even get "hallelujahs" popping up every now and then. As you may suspect this has taken me some time to get used to and I'm much more comfortable now. But still, to be driven to tears almost every service is weirding me out a bit. I just don't "get emotional" in front of strangers.
The reason is because I swear each message has been specifically relating to our struggles with infertility. Every service I walk in with my heavy heart, I hear a message that hits directly where I'm at (even down to the words I have been praying), I cry, and then I leave with strength to keep going in this journey. For example, I had been praying about really laying down this trial and giving it up to God. And what should happen that week but a message about laying down our burdens on God's alter. We got to physically write down our burdens, take them up to the stage and place them into a mini alter. The elders later burned them in a bonfire to symbolize how the Jewish priests would sacrifice burdens and sins up to God. It was another tear filled service for me as I wrote down our struggle with infertility and my husband and I took it up to the alter. And I have to say it's really helped me.
So this Sunday was no different. Today was about the purpose of God and how He uses all things to bring about His plan for His glory in each one of us. During the service our worship band sang a special song to drive in the message in between our Pastor's talk. The chorus went like this:
He knows my name He knows my every thought He sees each tear that falls And hears me when I call
Now prior this week I had posted about the following verse that He had given me:
Isaiah 30:19-22 "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
I had to fight to not cry during that song. Not to mention the whole rest of the service. I felt like the second part of the verse was being answered for me, "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
God is using our infertility for a greater purpose. I've known that deep in my heart but this Sunday really reassured me it was true. I need to focus on this as we continue on this journey. I don't know what the greater purpose is but if God has a plan then I need to trust in it. So how do I deal with those moments of doubt that come much more frequently than I'd like? I'm reminded of the verse in Matthew 17:20 "...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, `Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." I'm going to cling to this verse. Every time I heard that small voice saying, "I'll never know what it feels like to be pregnant," "Why can't we be blessed with a baby?," or "When will it be our turn?" I need to remind myself of this verse and counter those thoughts. My faith in God's plan and purpose for our lives will one day move the mountain of infertility.
I'm waiting, some what impatiently, for our church to post the audio and manuscript of the service on line as I'd love to update this post with more details on the service.
Well I just can't believe this is happening. So we get to sleep in an extra hour because its the annual "change you clocks back" day. I'm taking advantage of getting plenty of rest and lounging around in my pj's until I have to head off to our 11 o'clock church service. I start to realize that while I have persistently been feeling crampy for quite a few days now, this morning is feeling far worse than the last few. I contemplate maybe starting some ibuprofen a bit early this cycle to head off what I anticipate to be massive cramps. When what to my surprise...AF has made an unexpected early visit. Fabulous!
Now I 'pride' myself on the fact that my dear AF is always on time; predictable to the nth degree. But not this month, this month she's four days early. Fabulous! I really do not get to see enough of her. So thus ends our six months of trying post laproscopy. What a flipping waste of time. I'd have been better off ignoring our RE's advice and push for continuing treatment. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. Let's take a look at 'hindsight' shall we:
Synopsis of a failed 6 month trial "au natural":
Month 1, May: Ended up out on a business trip during o-week, the hub was going to drive down to where I was staying but several tornado's ripped through our state preventing him from driving down unless he wanted a free ride "Dorothy style." Not worth risking his life.
Month 2, June: My uncle was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Kind of a mood killer. Ended up in a house filled with my family members so everyone could visit with my uncle in the hospital post surgery. No where to 'do the deed.'
Month 3, July: The hub was supposed to be out of town on a business trip but I ended up 0-ing early. Finally a chance, but it failed to work.
Month 4, August: Another failed cycle. I actually didn't even ovulate. That NEVER happens to me, except this month.
Month 5, September: Went on a weekend getaway to help us 'relax,' but that didn't pan out either.
Month 6, October: Went to Marco Island, did nothing but sleep in and lie on a beach. Should have been the most relaxing 0-week of my life and AF has the audacity to show up early.
So Monday I will be calling our RE office to schedule our third clomid/hcg/IUI treatment. I'll only agree to one, after that I want to do IVF. I'm done waiting around. Clearly my cycles are starting to change from ridiculously regular to annovulatory and shorter luteal phases. My eggs are getting older and I'm not going to sit around any longer and wait for them to keep spoiling on us.
On a side note, I'm actually not as sad as I thought I would be. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at my stupid body which failed to get the memo that it's supposed to play nice and grow babies. Dumb uterus.
