After my post regarding AF's unexpected arrival I showered and headed off to church. Now I love our church. Ever since we started going there I've just been so impressed by the teachings. I feel like Jesus is standing up there on the stage half of the time and saying, "Hey listen to this! I wrote this just for you to hear." So consequently I'm moved to almost tears during about 90% of the services over the past year. This is very strange for me as I grew up a Baptist which is traditionally a very conservative denomination. We don't clap to songs (or even after a special music piece!), we don't raise our hands to worship music and the most rousing thing is when the older men in the back make a quick, "Amen." Since college, my husband and I have been attending non-denominational Churches which have a live band playing worship music, people clap, some raise hands, and you even get "hallelujahs" popping up every now and then. As you may suspect this has taken me some time to get used to and I'm much more comfortable now. But still, to be driven to tears almost every service is weirding me out a bit. I just don't "get emotional" in front of strangers.
The reason is because I swear each message has been specifically relating to our struggles with infertility. Every service I walk in with my heavy heart, I hear a message that hits directly where I'm at (even down to the words I have been praying), I cry, and then I leave with strength to keep going in this journey. For example, I had been praying about really laying down this trial and giving it up to God. And what should happen that week but a message about laying down our burdens on God's alter. We got to physically write down our burdens, take them up to the stage and place them into a mini alter. The elders later burned them in a bonfire to symbolize how the Jewish priests would sacrifice burdens and sins up to God. It was another tear filled service for me as I wrote down our struggle with infertility and my husband and I took it up to the alter. And I have to say it's really helped me.
So this Sunday was no different. Today was about the purpose of God and how He uses all things to bring about His plan for His glory in each one of us. During the service our worship band sang a special song to drive in the message in between our Pastor's talk. The chorus went like this:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
Now prior this week I had posted about the following verse that He had given me:
Isaiah 30:19-22 "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
I had to fight to not cry during that song. Not to mention the whole rest of the service. I felt like the second part of the verse was being answered for me, "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
God is using our infertility for a greater purpose. I've known that deep in my heart but this Sunday really reassured me it was true. I need to focus on this as we continue on this journey. I don't know what the greater purpose is but if God has a plan then I need to trust in it. So how do I deal with those moments of doubt that come much more frequently than I'd like? I'm reminded of the verse in Matthew 17:20 "...if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, `Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." I'm going to cling to this verse. Every time I heard that small voice saying, "I'll never know what it feels like to be pregnant," "Why can't we be blessed with a baby?," or "When will it be our turn?" I need to remind myself of this verse and counter those thoughts. My faith in God's plan and purpose for our lives will one day move the mountain of infertility.
I'm waiting, some what impatiently, for our church to post the audio and manuscript of the service on line as I'd love to update this post with more details on the service.
Video of the worship song: