Thursday, December 3, 2009

Am I Being Selfish?

Ok, I have to ask your advice and opinion. Last night, after learning about my friend's miracle pregnancy, I spent some time in prayer before going to bed. I prayed to God, sharing my heart, struggles, fears and asking Him when it will finally be our turn. It was difficult because while I don't feel abandoned or forgotten I do feel tired, worn, and emotionally drained. I told Him that I'm not sure how much more of this I can take and prayed that the end will come soon. Actually I pleaded that the end would come soon as well as prayed for Him to give us direction.

This miscarriage has left us floundering a bit. We're not sure where we should be going or what direction on this journey is God's will for our lives. That's why a future IVF cycle is in the future because we are throwing it out there but just not sure when that may be. But we'd rather throw it out there and see if God gives us the nodd or not. It's the same thing with adoption, it's out there but we just don't know if that is where we are supposed to be headed yet. I just feel like a kid in the back seat asking God, "Are we there yet?" with no concept of where we are headed so the journey seems endless.

When I tried to fall asleep it was torture. I was wide awake and all I could think about was my friend and how I was no longer pregnant. We had been planning a New Years trip to Chicago this year and when we found out we were pregnant we laughed about how I would be the designated walker (since we won't have a car), how I might not make it to midnight etc. Yesterday I had called her because I had found a great deal on a hotel and wanted to know if they still wanted to go this year. Instead I was greated with her announcement, which is exciting for them, but now I'm in the inverse situation. Now if we go to Chicago she will be the designated walker, and she might not make it to midnight. And all I will be thinking about is that this should be me or us, how fun if it would have been the both of us. But it's not to be. And now I think I'm realizing that this situation may not be the best one for me to be in while I am still healing from our loss. This has brought up a lot of emotion about our miscarriage that I had yet to start feeling. I don't know if I was blocking it out or if I hadn't thought that far in advance until now.

She is a very sweet person and very supportive but she is not a 'true' infertile and does not understand the pain, emotional toll, and the level of sensitivity that the pregnancy topic requires around an infertile. What I mean by that is that they hadn't even tried yet to get pregnant before. This was a total fluke where her meds just didn't arrive on time and low-and-behold she ovulated and got pregnant. All they knew is that it might be a problem but they had yet to suffer through months of failed trying, negative pregnancy tests, multiple doctors appointments, the side effect of fertility drugs and the never-ending longing for the allusive baby. So here I am on the phone with her rattling on about how she is now pregnant, and can she eat soft cheeses, and what about lunch meat, and all her symptoms, and how she can't drink in Chicago but I can drink for her now and on and on and on. She never stopped to think that maybe this hurt because she was excited. I can't blame her but I think a real infertile would have known to wear some kid gloves in that conversation. So I'm not sure that I even want to be there with them when I'm mourning the loss of our pregnancy while she prattles on about hers. I just don't think that is a healthy situation to put myself in. But then I think, am I being selfish? Am I spoiling all the fun because she has what I want? What do you think?

16 comments:

Allison said...

Honestly? Yes, I think you're being selfish. But you know what I say to that? Good for you. I think this is the time for you to be a bit selfish and to protect your heart a bit. Take the time YOU need. You know you'll be supportive once you've had time to process the news, but you need this you time and I think that's just fine. While she may not understand now why you need to pull back a bit, hopefully she'll be able to once the newness and excitement of the pregnancy wears off. ((HUGS)) Always thinking of and praying for you.

Tabitha said...

I don't think your being selfish. I think your friend is being insensitive, bottom line. You've prayed for this, waited for this, and experienced very recently your dreams coming true and then falling apart. You're not being selfish, your dealing with your loss, and that's extreemly hard to do in the wake of a new pregnancy for a close friend. I totally understand, and I probably would'nt even be able to go on the trip!

KZ said...

You should not go. Spend the time with your husband somewhere else. You must take care of yourself right now, that is most important. I understand you are happy for your friend, but this will only be a constant reminder of your situation. Your friend should completely understand. I had a similar situation happen. Our first attempt of IVF failed and a week later I found out my friend was pregnant, a very easy attempt. I had made plans to visit her, she lives 5 hours away. The thought of leaving everything safe (my house, my husband and my life) and being surrounded by her pregnancy was very scary. But I didnt want to disappoint my friend. I explained the situation and she was 100% on board. She shined in a very hard time for me and brought us even closer. Your post made me smile, the title of my blog is "Are we there yet?" I have this feeling every day of my life since trying to conceive. You are being selfish and that is ok. You should read the book "I Am More Than My Infertility" by Marina Lombardo and Linda J. Parker? There is a whole chapter on this subject.

Shannon said...

You are not selfish. You have to protect your own feelings and your own emotions because, in the end, you cant rely on anyone to do that for you. Is your friend insensitive? Maybe or maybe not. But you're right- she wont EVER, EVER get it. So the only way to ensure that YOU, my dear friend, are protected, is to separate yourself from situations that will put your feelings in jeopardy. I dont mean you need to completely alienate yourself from everything (been there, done that, not a good idea) but in this case, I wouldnt go to Chicago. Stay home, get some good champange and make cool appetizers, cozy up with Mr. Hammer and make the New Year about YOU GUYS and the opportunities that do lie ahead.

Astrid said...

This is so hard, I had a similar situation last year, I was pregnant at the same time as a friend but I wasn't "telling" yet...and I thought of all the great times we would have and all the bonding that would take place over the ensuing months. And then I lost mine. She never even knew that i was pg. And now she sends us photos and we buy her kids xmas presents and I feel so jealous and even a little bitter. And definitely reclusive. There is no reason you should put yourself in a situation that you know will hurt just to appease someone who clearly isn't looking out the same way for you. NO reason. The friendship will be fine. It's ok to take a hiatus once in a while. If she is a true friend she will understand and support you.

JB said...

I agree with everyone else here...give yourself more time before you hang out with pregnant friends, especially one who does not (and perhaps cannot) understand fully what you've been through up til now. I made the mistake of following through with vacation plans several times after failed cycles, where I knew I would be confronted with a pregnant friend or friends bringing their baby on the trip and it was a nightmare for me. I thought I was being "tough" by going through with it but I now know better. You don't need to add extra challenge to your healing process and you have nothing to prove to anyone. Your good friends will understand that you need some time and space to heal. Even if they don't understand infertility, they should be able to process how hard a miscarriage might be.

kdactyl said...

You are not selfish...I felt this same way. My best friend and I got married days apart. I got pregnant through an IUI struggle but then lost twins at 10 weeks...she immediately got pregnant too...just after my m/c...hearing that news hurt my heart so much because it was just so easy for her...I was excited for her and did see her a lot while she was pregnant. But it was always very hard for me because we went through 3 more failed IUI/IVF cycles while she was pregnant....but strangely...on the day her son was born...we found out we were pregnant...and it just reassured me that everything is in God's time. It did not make it easier and I did not go to her baby shower because things like that were just too emotional for me. 2 1/2 years later...I realize that everyone has their own struggles...that same baby boy that seemed to come so easy to her and fulfill all the dreams I wanted for myself was just diagnosed with autism. It was devastating for all of us and now she is mourning the loss of what she thought her life with him would look like. And I just recently felt so guilty for being so jealous of her when she got pregnant. So although these things hurt us (IF and all our fertile friends)....the big picture always seems to make sense when we step back from it. I say do what you need to do to protect your own heart...but also know that God has plans for you...and you will also get your miracle.

Nicole said...

I don't think it's being selfish at all. There is a difference between being selfish (thinking you are the center of the world) and taking care of yourself/considering your own wellbeing. In IF it sometimes seems like a very fine line- But especially during mourning, your number one priority is to yourself and protecting yourself for even further grief. If you don't think she can use discretion in Chicago (which it doesn't sound like she can) I definitely wouldn't go. You don't need any help feeling like crap right now, so don't put yourself in that position.
Obviously the decision is up to you, but don't let guilt force you into something that you're uncomfortable with.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

I could write a novel about how you should not go and how sorry I am, but Ill keep it short.

If you go, youre setting yourself up for disaster. Why torture yourself? You need to think about YOURSELF and Mr. Hammers feelings.

Sending you a giant HUG!

Sarah said...

Totally in same boat as you! We recently miscarried after our 2nd IVF this year (the difference is that I do have a little girl through IVF two years ago...so, I know that your situation is even more traumatic). I have a very close friend with the same due date I was supposed to have. Although I care about her deeply, I don't feel that she has been the most considerate of me either...but, I don't expect her to understand. I think when we live in the infertility world, sometimes we just need to understand that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt our feelings or be inconsiderate. Don't shut her out from your life, but don't torture yourself by being with her in Chicago.
However, I also think we also have to protect our hearts when we are going through a difficult time. I, personally, think it's too soon probably for you to hang out for an expended period of time with your friend. So, no, it is NOT selfish.

Kerri said...

I wouldn't go. No way. That's just setting yourself up for a weekend of hearing all about her pregnancy. I understand that she's excited. I understand that she means well. But you're right- she's not a true infertile, and therefore, is not going to understand that her words are hurtful to you. It's not being selfish; it's self-preservation. You need to do what's best for you right now and I think it's perfectly reasonable that you need some time for your heart to heal.

Hope and a Future said...

I had a very similar circumstance with a sister in law that had experienced infertility but as soon as she got pregnant, she did and said some very hurtful things to me. It seems like people just don't understand. I think you need to take care of yourself and that should be your top priority. It is a very difficult emotional rollarcoaster ride you have been on. Thanks for the kind words you wrote to me.

Waiting said...

I don't think you are being selfish! Your feelings are legit, and your friend will never truly understand what you are going through. I think you should take as much time as you need to heal your heart. And if that means staying home, then do it!

Hillary said...

I definitely would not call it selfish. You are *grieving,* and when people are grieving they need to surround themselves with love and support....AND have the freedom to not do something that would be too difficult. It's like somebody who just lost their spouse going to a dinner party, being the only single, and everyone talking about their marriage the whole night, you know?

I think the trip sounds too painful and I would not go if I were you. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I just prayed that God would guide your next steps. *hugs*

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Brittney said...

You are absolutely not being selfish - you have every right to feel the way that you do. I think people who haven't experienced infertility tend to often be insensitive in their talk about pregnancy, babies, etc. But while you can be happy for your friend (sounds like you are:)) you do not have to expose yourself to more pain than what you're already going through. Allow yourself to grieve and take this time to be with your husband, and to pray and to plan together. You don't owe your friend or anyone anything. There will be lots of time to enjoy her motherhood later on. The people who truly know you and love you will understand. I'm thinking of you and praying for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.((HUGS))

Andrea said...

I don't see that you are being selfish, just saddned by your loss and the want for an Earthly baby in your arms. Honestly, I have wondered if I will get my turn again, as I lost my baby earlier this year and have just faced my EDD.

Much like you, I'm struggeling with a friends situation in that she suffered an ectopic pregnancy and then fell prego again 2 cycles later. It's been since May for me and I am still waiting for my turn. I continue to remind myself that to stay faithful and allow "him" to direct my steps. And, to never lose HOPE.

Feel better soon, the holidays are the worst and seeing babies and bumps just hearts our hearts. Hugs to you.