Monday, December 7, 2009

The Hits, They Keep On Coming

First, thank you all for your input, comments, and opinions on my Chicago situation. It was so affirming of what I was feeling. I wish I had IRL friends who were even half as supportive as all of you are so I just can’t thank you enough. Ok now to the meat of the last few days.

Thursday of last week, after a horrible night of sleeping I had typed up a huge email to Hammer rambling on about how I don't think we should go to Chicago with them, OR nor should they come on our snowy-cabin-in-the-woods-in-January-retreat that they invited themselves to (more about that later*). At first he was hesitant and asking if I was really sure but that it was in their court if they could afford it now that they were expecting.....errrrrttttttt (tires squealing). "No dear," I told him, "it’s still in our court to say we can't go if it's not healthy for us, mainly me at this time." He said we'd talk about it when I got home.

Later that evening, after I had made it back around 4pm, we were supposed to go over to our friends house (D [husband] and N [wife]). I contacted them and cancelled because I was just too exhausted to go anywhere. The next day I was chatting on the phone with my mom getting her opinion on the situation and she agreed that Chicago was a no-go. I popped on to the computer with her still on the phone so I could email her some Christmas ideas and saw an email from our friend D who has currently been out of work for 5 months, it was titled “Good News.” I told my mom to hang on a minute because I wanted to read this email from D (she knew he was out of work) hoping that this email was a job offer. Guess what it was actually about? Oh you did guess it didn’t you! Yes, they are indeed expecting their second child, 11 ½ weeks to be exact which for them meant they got pregnant almost three months after he lost his job. Well doesn’t that beat all! And according to the email they had wanted to tell us the other night but I cancelled on them. Could you imagine if we had gone? I don’t think I could have handled it and probably would have cried right in front of them. I mean seriously people, in my email to them cancelling I wrote, “I’m sorry to cancel but I seem to be struggling with insomnia due to the miscarriage. The dropping in hormones is causing me to have issues with falling or staying asleep so I was up over half the night last night. I’m so sorry to cancel but this continues to be a difficult process for me.” Now tell me, would your first thought be, “Oh the Hammers aren’t coming tonight because she is still struggling with her miscarriage. We should just email them that we’re pregnant.” I totally lost it on the phone but thank God it was with my mother who was such a comfort.

Later that evening when Hammer got home he asked if I had seen the email from D. I asked him how he felt about it. His response was jealousy and sadness. While he is very good friends with D this was a big blow to him. We had been struggling for a year and half with TTC when they had announced they were pregnant with their first child after just one try. Hammer said that after he got the email he immediately called up our other friends and told them that we would not be going to Chicago. He said that he didn’t want me to have to deal with being the one to tell them what with two back to back pregnancy announcements. I was so thankful for that. It has been a difficult week. I’m so wrought with emotions it’s ridiculous. That makes two couples where the husband is out of work and they are pregnant. In a sarcastic tone I told Hammer that I'd figured out how to get pregnant and that he needed to quit his job. He replied back, "No problem, I'll put in my notice on Monday."

The strange thing is that earlier that week I had been feeling hopeful and now it’s the complete opposite. I know I should be happy for them but I just feel more left behind than ever. I have been praying and praying for direction, for anything right now but all I’ve received is silence. And that has been the hardest part.

I will (hopefully) have my last blood test Thursday of this week and am praying that my results are <5 and that my period is not far behind it. Maybe if I could just move forward by getting my period and ending this cycle I will feel better, maybe. I’m trying desperately to keep my eyes on the Lord so that I’m not overwhelmed by all the emotions that come from friend's pregnancy announcements (frustration, jealously, anger, and sadness). I just don’t want to drown in them and get caught in a state of sadness instead of trying to be positive about the next few months, taking time to focus on my marriage, and remember that God still has a plan for us.

Hammer and I have planned a weekend getaway in January to hopefully spend a quiet, peaceful weekend alone together. IF is hard in so many ways and even though our marriage is strong we just feel that with everything that has gone on this year (my dad, 2 IVF’s, a miscarriage) that we need time to just appreciate one another. We happened to mention this to our Chicago-trip friends pre-pregnancy announcement (and yes we did mention this as a weekend alone) and the wife just jumped on it saying how we should get cabins together instead of going to Chicago and how fun that would be blah, blah, blah. I didn’t know how to get out of it but thankfully we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately I think this all may have wrecked my relationship with her in that I don’t feel that I can confide in her about IF anymore but in some ways I think this is for the best.


Tabitha said...

Oh dear. You've had to deal with WAY too much these past weeks. I've also experienced several new pregnancy announcements and they still hurt, bad. I'll be praying that we BOTH keep our eyes on the Lord and follow His will, even when our hearts are hurting so bad that it's covering up His voice and direction!

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

A lot of times, when it rains, it really pours! It seems that one thing just compiles on top of all of the others. But, in keeping with the rain analogy, it's also because of the rain that the beauty of the earth comes. I know that God is using all of this to bring something about in you. It just doesn't feel so good in the meanwhile. I'm glad that you guys are looking out for yourselves. I tried to write about this on your last post, but couldn't get the words right. I think there is a fine line between selfishness and self-preservation. And I think that Satan likes to take all of our emotions and instincts and take them to the extreme. He turns sex into lust/pornography, anger into murder, desire into greed, etc. So, where you have to be careful is to not dwell on those emotions in the sense of "Why are they allowed to be pregnant and I'm not? What's wrong with me? Why is God withholding from me?", but that it's okay for you to take some time and realize that it's not good for your emotional well-being to spend this time with them. I hope they will be understanding in the meanwhile. Sending my love your way!

Brittney said...

I'm so sorry about this most recent announcement - there is no proper word for it but that it really SUCKS :( I so feel for you and your DH (who sounds like a gem, btw). I guess the silver lining in all of this (I know it's a tiny one) is that in a way this all worked itself out, in that you didn't have to find out your friends' newest news in person, and you were able to cancel your trip with your other friends. I pray that God gives you and your husband abundant peace now and over the next few months. I pray that things quiet down and that you don't have to focus on anything else but your journey together. I really wish I could hug you and take you out for coffee. But I guess I'll have to settle for sending you a huge cyber ((HUG)) and letting you know that I'm continuing to think of you and pray for you. Hang in there - things will look up. That is God's promise. Until then though, we are all here for you.

Andrea said...

Oh honey,

I'm so sorry that you are faced with these announcements and know how you feel. My SIL had a baby 5 days after my loss and gave him my Husbands name, which is not a name sake, but a name they "just liked". I was crushed, as I thought I would bestow the name on my child someday. It put me over the ledge! Then, I received an email from a friend with her 4D us attached and if that were not bad enough I opened the mail and found a birth announcement. It's just too much.

Take time for you and protect your emotions. Let the rest of the world take backseat and if people pry then be honest about your feelings. Anymore, I just put it out there and am honest. It's healing to express your feelings.

Overall, please don't let these insensitive people robb you of your HOPE. Use HOPE as a defense and have FAITH, as I believe you will come to hold an Earthly baby in your arms.

Praying your hCG continues to fall and your cycle resumes. I felt heaps better when my hormones leveled off. In the meantime, with draw and take care of you....sending love and HOPE your way.



Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Oh boy. That is rough, Mrs. H. Im so sorry you have inconsiderate friends. Fertile people..dont think before they act, huh?!

I hope your blood draw give you the results youre looking for. I also hope you and the Mr. can truly relax on that weekend away. Like you said, IF make a marriage strong. You will appreciate it even more when you become parents. And that WILL happen. I hope its soon!!!!

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry for all this hurt. Your situation was more than bad enough by itself, then add these insensitive friends who choose now of all times to make their announcements... geeze, I mean you don't have to be an IFer or a genius to maybe have the connection that now wouldn't be a good time for such news.
I'm glad you chose not to go to Chicago, and that DH did the telling for you. I hope you really really enjoy your time at the cabin next month, and also that your beta is back down and your body can reset itself.
I went for a very long time feeling like God and I must not be speaking the same language. I had stopped praying to get pregnant and was just praying to know what to do, and it was just like you said- SILENCE. Now with hindsight it seems to me like the silence WAS the answer. For me- the plan was to do nothing about our IF and focus on other things in our lives (each other and service/volunteering). I'm not saying that this is what God's telling you, because only you can receive that direction. But it had never crossed my mind before that the silence WAS an answer (to do nothing at that time). I dunno, just a thought. I hope you can figure out what is best for you both right now and what God wants for you now and have the courage and faith and strength to pursue it- whether it is IVF, adoption, or nothing. Thinking of you...

JB said...

Hate (and yes, I know it's a strong word) pregnancy announcements and being around babies right now. Completely understand. You in particular have been through so much...hope you and the mister have a lovely time in January!! You deserve it so much.

KZ said...

Mrs Hammer.
I just saw your comment, sorry for the delay. I am going to SIRM in Peoria. There is not a facility in Chicago. There is only one doc in Peoria and she is wonderful. It is about a 2.5 hour drive for me each way, but in my opinion it is worth it. Let me know if you would like more information. I had trouble emailing you directly this info.

Hillary said...

I am so sorry. I know this an old post, but when I read it back then and my heart broke for you. I am praying for you!