Well you may have noticed that my cycle ticker is down but I'm not implying anything at this point. I'm 2 days late and still testing negative but strangely enough I'm completely at peace with whatever happens.
God showed me something. I've realized that since we had begun trying to conceive I've thought that every failed cycle has taken me farther and farther away from our dream of having a child of our own. But that is if I am putting my hope in biology and physiology i.e. my own human body and what it's capable of doing. In reality every cycle that goes by is actually taking us closer to the completion of God's plan for us. How exciting to think this way! Not that the road will be any easier but we are getting closer to something amazing and not the other way around. That lie that I had been believing was completely emotionally devastating to my mental state which is a huge red warning light that it is not from God. Just this simple change in thinking has been an incredible boost to my level of hope. That is because I'm trusting more in God than in myself. In our humanness we put so much on OUR PART in our relationship with God and what we THINK we have to be doing to get what we want, hear from God, find Him in our trial etc. We spend so much of our time thinking that WE have to REACH out to God and find Him but the reality is that He came DOWN to us and He is waiting for us to realize that He has been right beside us the entire time.
I have marveled at this unexplainable peace I've had since coming to this realization; the kind of peace that only comes from God. At church He solidified to me that He is the giver of this peace.
Our sermon was on Philippians 4:6-9
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Our pastor spoke of this peace as a solider over our hearts, protecting us from the lies that threaten to invade and take away our peace and trust in God. And if we focus our thoughts on truth instead of lies we will continue to feel the peace of God. So this is what I've been doing this month and I know that whatever the outcome, God is with us.