Saturday, June 26, 2010

What you see is what you get

At this point I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the type of woman who will grow more follicles as I continue on stims.  Honestly I'm really disappointed and frustrated with my RE.  I feel like for the last three cycles all we've done is beat the dead Lupron+Bravelle+Luvaris horse and had minimal results.  Before we started this cycle I had been trying to get Hammer to consider going to a different RE but he was unwilling.  So here I sit for our final IVF cycle with the same minimal results on practically the same protocol.  This is not the end to our final cycle that I was hoping for and now I'm feeling like if this is it and it doesn't work I'm going to feel completely unresolved with moving on.

We actually had a long talk last night about what we should do.  Hammer only wants to go through one more full IVF cycle.  So that means if I want to try a totally different protocol we'd have to cancel this cycle pre-retrieval.  But yet it feels like such a waste to do so.  At this point we may get between 7-8 mature follicles and hopefully as many mature eggs.  I know that our clinic wouldn't even consider an IUI with that many follicles.  So I've asked Hammer to consider if this cycle doesn't work for us to try one more, and ONLY one more.  When you consider that our first cycle was a total bust, we've really only done two cycles (including this one).  I'd really like have walked away having done three cycles knowing that we did everything we could and right now I don't have that peace.  It was definitely an interesting conversation because Hammer came from the "I don't want to do anymore, I'm ready for adoption" direction and that since he was ready, we needed to move on.  So for me to explain how you can't go into adoption if one of us is unresolved so where did this, "I'm ready so therefore my opinion rules" mentality come from and I think it challenged him a bit.  And don't get me wrong this wasn't a fight just a discussion between us.

I apologize to all the women reading that would die for 7-8 follicles.  Being 31 with normal FSH, AMH etc. and on crazy amounts of stims it's been difficult to accept that this is the best I can do.  And with Hammer's issue we need as many follicles to find the one healthy combination of us both.

Here is where we stand as of Saturday (6/26):

R: 12.7mm x2, 12.9mm (3 total)

L: 11.5mm, 11.3mm, 11.1mm, 10.3mm, 8.2mm (5 total)

Lining = 8.8mm

I'm not sure that our 8.2 will catch up in time to be mature so we're maybe really looking at 6-7 mature eggs at retrieval.  Compare that to our last cycle where we had 9 follicles and 8 mature eggs and hopefully you can see why we are upset that this cycle is worse than the last one.

I have one more appointment on Monday for another check.  Right now they are talking about doing the trigger on Tuesday for a Thursday retrieval which is extending me out one day more than anticipated.  And at this point I'm still not bloated nor feel anything, weird.


Kerri said...

I'm sorry your results aren't what you were hoping for so far. I know that's disappointing. I do strongly agree with you that you can't seriously move forward with the adoption discussion until both of you are on board and at peace with that decision 100%. Although, it's still very possible that this cycle could result in a baby (or 2!) and this will all be a moot point. I'll be thinking of you over the coming days.

Nicole said...

What a rock and a hard place! Is DH as frustrated with your RE now too? Would he consider doing another cycle at another clinic since that might change everything? At the same place or somewhere else? Only if you cancel this or in addition to?
Explain to him that until you are both ready you shouldn't (and the agencies won't let you) adopt, so ceasing ART doesn't mean the immediate beginning of adoption. Until you are both agree on a plan (another IVF or adoption) there will be no further progress. So either of you putting down your foot on a plan is just a recipe for a stalemate. I'm glad it wasa discussion and not a fight though. Keep talking together about it.
How much $$ will you have lost if you cancel now and can you afford to start another cycle?
I have cancelled a cycle before but I was not stimming yet. It was a tough decision, so I can just imagine how much tougher it is for you now. UGH, I'm so sorry. IF just sucks.
Keep us informed. I hope you two can make the right decision together.

kdactyl said...

I soooo know this place. Not the frustration with the RE...that relationship was already solid...but one of us being ready to move on and one not. I just knew I had to give IVF one more try or I would not ever be able to adopt without thinking I gave up too soon. My husband was not happy about the extra money or the emotional rollercoaster (he seemed to take the process harder than I did). But...we pushed forward and got our last IVF and our baby...AT 40 YEARS old and with only 8 mature follicles and 4 that don't count yourself out yet. I know the disapointment....just 6 months earlier my cycles had been producing 14-15 follicles and then they just kept dropping (due to my age I'm sure). So...keep pushing and don't lose hope. is a funny little story...just this week a friend of mine (IRL no doubt) was doing her first (and only) IVF at 38 years old. All u/s showed only about 7-8 growing potential follicles....seems like the little ones got on board and they ended up retrieving 20 and 17 fertilized (through ICSI) never lose hope until the results are in!!!! I'm saying lots of prayers and sending lots of follie grow dust your way!!!!


Carrie said...

Just found your blog! I have been reading it for a few hours! So sorry you are having to go through this!