Day By Day

That’s how I’ve taken things, one day at a time. The first few days were spent very tearful and I was thankful to still be at the beach where I could just ‘be’ and hide my red swollen eyes behind sunglasses. On the way home we stopped to visit one of my husband’s best friends. When they get together it’s a non-stop laughing session. And we needed it. We needed to laugh so hard at the dumbest things until our sides hurt, until it hurt to breathe, until we cried because for the last few days these things were brought on by sorrow and not laughter. We needed laughter.

During the drive home we tried to talk about ‘what next’ because it’s helpful to me but not for Hammer. He needed time and I needed to plan and the discussions were not productive. So we had to back off. I found it more difficult to handle the emotions now that we were headed home. Its one thing to lie on a beach and accept the outcome but it’s another to have to head back to your life and realize that it will not include a pregnancy and a child of our own.

We both took the day after our return off of work to recover, do laundry and catch up on things. It was also an intentional day off just in case things didn’t go ‘as planned’, which they didn’t, and I thought I would need an extra day to just absorb everything that had happened. At work I put on a ‘happy face’ and gushed about the perfect weather, kayaking in the ocean, watching dolphins, everything except the most important thing because I keep my work life separate from my personal. On my first two days back I had to conduct a training for about 20 staff. It’s one I do twice a year so I know it like the back of my hand and it was so good for me to not have time to think and to just be busy.

And so we’ve kept busy by having dinner with friends, seeing local music, attending fall parties; anything and everything so we don’t have to think about what could have been. I’ve gone four days without crying. I’ve held newborn babies. I’ve laughed. I’ve eaten sushi and drank wine. But I don’t feel free. I thought that after it was over that I’d feel ready to move on to something new that held more promise of expanding our family. Maybe I just need more time. But I still have this nagging feeling that I can’t shake. I can’t explain it.

Hammer and I have talked some more now that we’ve assimilated back into our regular schedules. There is just one last piece that both of us want to pursue. Hammer has never been evaluated for MFI. After all this time (4 years!) we’ve had mixed opinions by our doctors on is or is he not affected by MFI. His first SA showed him just above the cut off for normal. His first three IUI post washes were a dismal 11, 13 & 17 million. And of course, let’s not forget his DNA frag at 48%. We did find out that after vitaminizing the heck out of him he posted a prewash of 100 mil and a post wash of 56 mil. But clearly whatever is affecting the DNA is making a viable pregnancy impossible. So we’d like to at least have someone check to see if there is something that can be corrected. Even if we are going to be pursing adoption that does not mean that we’re not going to be praying for a miracle so why not at least check things out. This means that we’ll also be looking into a urologist in our area that specializes in MFI just to make sure that we haven’t missed anything. We will also have our last WTF(lip) appointment on the 11th where we hope to find out more about our clinic’s embryo donation program, get a copy of our records and find out if they have recommendations for a referral for Hammer.

But for right now my goal is five days without crying.

IVF #4 Summary

8/22 - Hello friend = AF shows

8/23 -> 9/29 - Acupunture

8/24 - FSH = 5.5 (yeah!)

8/24 -> 9/13 - BCP

9/6 -> 9/24 - Lupron 10 U/d

9/21 baseline u/s - E2 = 16 supressed; total of 13 antral follicles puts me in the low normal category which is excellent for me!

9/25 -> 10/6 Lupron 5 u/d

9/25 -> 10/6 - Gonal 225 u am & pm

9/29 - follie check #1 L = 6 follies R = 2 follies Lining = ~5mm E2 = 127

10/1 -> 10/6 Luveris 75 u/d

10/2 - follie check #2 L= 14, 13, 11, 9, 9 R = 13, 12, 8 Lining = 8mm E2 = 737

10/5 - follie check #3 L= 20, 20, 17, 16, 16, 13 R= 19, 15, 10 Lining = 10mm E2 = 1,915 *Best ever!

10/5 - trigger 10pm

10/6 - TSH = 2.54, Free T4 = 1.1

10/7 - retrieval day = 9 eggs retrieved

10/7-> 10/12 - medrol 16mg

10/8 - Fert Report #1 Of 9 eggs retrieved, 7 were mature

4 fertilized normally
1 fertilized abnormally
2 did not fertilize

10/9 - Fert Report #2 "Ham"bryo's

4 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
2 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
4 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation
6 cell - grade 3, 0% fragmentation

10/10 - 3 day transfer

"Ham"bryos in the oven

10 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
8 cell - grade 1, 0% fragmentation
*Assisted Hatching performed

10/10 - acupuncture pre & post transfer

10/14 - progesterone check = 85.3

10/21 - beta #1 = Negative :(

Many Thanks

I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers of comfort.  We are, obviously, heart broken.  It's so frustrating to have done all of these treatments only to end with such certain finality.  I know that our issues with high DNA fragmentation make this situation a more likely outcome but it does not decrease the pain of another failure. 

While we will be taking some time to recover we will be moving on to adoption, possibly embryo adoption/donation and/or traditional domestic adoption.  Of course, just because you stop fertility treatments does not mean to stop trying and praying for a natural miracle.  We'll be exploring some other natural options as the adoption process can be long.  We have sp.erm and I do ovulate on my own so maybe with time we'll eventually have the right sperm meet the right egg...that is what happened with Hammer.  It took his parents 14 years before they conceived him and I can tell you that they were definitely not putting forth nearly as much effort as we have been. 

This blog will not end it will just change a bit.  I welcome you all to follow along with us as we continue to walk down this long and winding road to becoming parents.  You have been such a support system for me that I could not imagine continuing on this journey with out all of you.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Mr & Mrs Hammer

Not meant to be

We just learned that our blood test was negative.  Three beautiful embroys...gone.

24 hours

That's how long until we'll know the outcome.  On 10dp3dt I hadn't actually fallen asleep until 2 am and then woke up at 7:30 am.  I was so exhausted and I think I ended up with a migraine because my head was pounding all day and I was nauseated.  I ended up going to bed at 9:30 pm to try to get myself back on a schedule.  I did fall asleep but then woke up at 2 am, grrr....  I ended up tossing and turning and falling back in and out of sleep until about 8 am.  During that time I had wild, vivid dreams that were all over the place and made absolutely no sense.  On top of that, when I was up at 2 am I was extremely hot and cramping.  Not intense painful cramps but more like pre-AF cramps.  The cramps have continued today (11dp3dt) and I am STILL tired.  But the bbs are totally 100% not sore anymore :(  With our first pregnancy and chemical I had sore bbs so I'm concerned about that symptom being missing even though I know many women (several of them are you my dear readers) do not even have sore bbs.  At this point I'm totally confused and leaning towards it not having worked.  I did get my blood drawn today but we won't hear until tomorrow morning.  I still can't bring myself to test partially because I'm scared and the other part because I just don't want to waste the money if we're going to find out soon.  But I have to say the suspense is killing me.  I just want to know so I can be put out of my misery.  At this point I think we need a miracle.

The State of Affairs (9dp3dt)

It's 12:40 am and I can't sleep. Not that it's from worrying but I seriously have not been able to fall asleep. Things have changed since my last post. Even when I look back at my symptoms across the last few days I think, wow this could have worked. Except that beginning 8dp3dt (11po), which was the morning of my last post, my symptoms started disappearing over the course of the day. The sore bbs began to decrease and there was no cramping. Today at 9dp3dt they are practically non-existent although I have started with mild cramping this evening.

Last two cycles on 9dp3dt I had sharp painful cramps but these are very mild in comparison and more like typical PIO induced cramps. Maybe in the last two cycles that was late implantation? I have begun to wonder if maybe our embys tried to make it causing all those glorious symptoms early on but didn't which is why they are fading? I still can't bring myself to test so I'm left with going through all these mental hoops. When our cycle worked last time I was so fatigued compared to this time where sleep is evading me. Yesterday I was up at 6:30 am and again today. I was happy to see that I was fatigued all day today and was hoping that it was a good sign like last time but here I sit still typing away at 12:48 am. I just have a feeling that we'll be getting bad news on Friday. Hope is ever elusive and my faith is struggling to keep afloat. This is it for us, our last chance to have a child of our own. And while I do look back and remind myself that God gave us three beautiful embryos it is not a guarantee that it worked and that frightens me to death. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking at too late of an hour. I think I do better in the day time when I can spend my time sitting on a lounge chair watching the ocean waves and pods of dolphins swim by every few minutes. Five and a half more hours till the sun comes up. One more day until beta.

8dp3dt

The beach has been an amazing distraction.  I really don't have any desire to test prior to beta because I just don't want to ruin my vacation.  I'd rather not risk seeing a negative screen and possibly spoil a beautiful cloudless day on the beach.  Especially knowing what happened with IVF#2 where I had negative tests up until my beta of 24.

On the symptom spectrum, I've been all over the place:

• 7dp3dt (10dpo) Sunday - cramping mainly on the right side, nausea, (TMI) loose stools, but no bloating & has gone away almost completely, super sore bbs
• 6dp3dt (9dpo) Saturday - mild cramping, sore bbs, constipation, bloating ultra nauseas and nearly lost my dinner over night, room was almost spinning.
• 5dp3dt (8dpo) Friday - nausea in AM resolved with eating, same at lunch, sore bbs, constipation, bloating
• 4dp3dt (7dpo) Thursday - abdominal bloating, constipation, twinges & pulling (possibly from constipation?)

The lack of bloating and loose stools has me really thrown while the other symptoms are encouraging.  So I really just can't tell one way or another.  One minute I will feel like it didn't work so I'll talk to my emby's to let me know if they are there and then end up with a ton of symptoms.  It could go either way people.  I just think the bloating being gone is the most concerning but then Hammer reminds me that PIO can either give you constipation OR diarrhea and that if I have the latter I wouldn't really be bloated like I was last time when I was contstipated the whole cycle.  *sigh*

I think all this thinking calls for some sunbathing...