Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The State of Affairs (9dp3dt)

It's 12:40 am and I can't sleep. Not that it's from worrying but I seriously have not been able to fall asleep. Things have changed since my last post. Even when I look back at my symptoms across the last few days I think, wow this could have worked. Except that beginning 8dp3dt (11po), which was the morning of my last post, my symptoms started disappearing over the course of the day. The sore bbs began to decrease and there was no cramping. Today at 9dp3dt they are practically non-existent although I have started with mild cramping this evening.

Last two cycles on 9dp3dt I had sharp painful cramps but these are very mild in comparison and more like typical PIO induced cramps. Maybe in the last two cycles that was late implantation? I have begun to wonder if maybe our embys tried to make it causing all those glorious symptoms early on but didn't which is why they are fading? I still can't bring myself to test so I'm left with going through all these mental hoops. When our cycle worked last time I was so fatigued compared to this time where sleep is evading me. Yesterday I was up at 6:30 am and again today. I was happy to see that I was fatigued all day today and was hoping that it was a good sign like last time but here I sit still typing away at 12:48 am. I just have a feeling that we'll be getting bad news on Friday. Hope is ever elusive and my faith is struggling to keep afloat. This is it for us, our last chance to have a child of our own. And while I do look back and remind myself that God gave us three beautiful embryos it is not a guarantee that it worked and that frightens me to death. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking at too late of an hour. I think I do better in the day time when I can spend my time sitting on a lounge chair watching the ocean waves and pods of dolphins swim by every few minutes. Five and a half more hours till the sun comes up. One more day until beta.


Shannon said...

I still hold out hope for you and am praying all the time- hang in there!

Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation - I did not have any real symptoms until the night before I tested. I was 85% sure it would be negative, yet it was positive!

Its hard to not think about it all the time and analyzing symptoms etc, but I think you just cannot tell before. I had other cycles with so many symptoms and they all turned out to be negative.

All the best for the last few days and I really hope it will turn out to be a healthy pregnancy for you!

Allison said...

Sending you prayers of peace with whatever happens. ((HUGS)) This is such a stressful time, waiting, knowing that this is the end. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you can sleep and not stress *too* much over the next couple of days.

Amber said...

Praying for you and thinking about you everyday!

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I never had sore breast ever through my entire pregnancy. Weird I know. I had no symptoms until my first ultrasound except tiredness. Which could've been from the pio injections.

I'm still hoping and praying for you!

Huge Hugs,

Amber said...

Praying for you! Remember, the fear is not from God. Our enemy wants us to have a lack of faith in our Creator. Praying for you, that by His strength only, you would have faith that no matter the outcome, God can still bless you with children. But, at the same time, I'm also preaching to the choir cause I've had failed ivf's as well, and this is our last attempt. I won't know till Monday. Praying for both of us to keep the faith!!

kdactyl said...

Don't give up hope yet...what you are describing happens to me every time (that I get a positive)...I lose symptoms halfway thru the 2WW, the boobs turn off and I freak out....AND...I can't sleep...lucky me...the pregnancy hormones give me insomnia and apparently that is very common. So...just hang on to your hope until won't change any outcomes (but I'm rooting for a good one) and you shouldn't torture yourself for 3 more days.
Hang in there.

Brittney said...

I too had no symptoms before my positive beta. Hang in there - it's not over till it's over! We're all praying for you and hoping this is THE CYCLE for you. I'm sending up another prayer right now...((HUGS))

Andrea said...

Hang on sweet friend. If I can offer some words of comfort, my tender breast disappeared too and I had no other symptoms. I had already cried and mourned another failed cycle and refused to test, as I knew it was over.


It was NOT....I saw a BFP!

Hold on to HOPE, as symptoms are often non existant and every cycle is different.

HUGS and Prayers