I had started a blog on Wordpress.com but I really didn't like the layout. So I don't want to loose my previous posts even though there were only a few of them. So here they are below:
Reliving the Past, Unsure of the Future
October 1, 2008
I just got done documenting our ‘infertility history’ page and it’s left me kind of blah. The chronicles of 2 ½ years of nothing. Not even a blip on the radar. Even if we had suffered a miscarriage it would be hope but I don’t even have that. I bought these pregnancy tests online that were supposed to pick up hcg as early as 7 days post ovulation. I thought that maybe if I could pick up a chemical pregnancy it would help with figuring out what was wrong with us. At this point I swear they are broken. I work with a girl who is due in December and I’m half temped to have her pee on one just to see if they actually work.
It’s a depressing thought that for 2 ½ years I’ve never even seen a blip on a stick. Now that my 30th birthday is looming it’s even worse. This will be the worst birthday of my life. I have reached the point where fertility starts to decline but for me fertility hasn’t even started. It’s not fair. It’s not like I waited right? I was 27 when I started. My mom was 29 when she conceived me (her first) so I was actually ahead of her by 2 years. What gives?
Do you see where I am? I’m declining!!! I’m running out of time.
I’m actually sitting here on 8 DPO. I peed on one of those dumb sticks this morning which was negative, again. My stomach has been crampy all day. And before you say, “it could be implantation!” let me tell you something. I have endometriosis. If you have it too then you’ll know what I mean. It sucks. It causes cramps DAYS before your actual period. It causes inflammation so that my abdomen feels achy during the 2ww every month, which possibly causes macrophages to eat important things, like sperm or embryos. It means nothing but another awful period is on the way. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
September 30, 2008
Or, what I hope to get from this experience of blogging. Do I sound like a type A person? Well I am. So maybe this is my goals page or you could think of it as “a visitors guide,” whatever floats your boat. First, I need a place to get all this stuff roaming around in my head, out. Call it therapy of sorts. These past few years have been a bit overwhelming and I’ve been in need of space to reflect on it. Plus, I’m pretty opinionated. I figure this gives me the space to speak my mind without being interrupted. For example, I love talking politics BUT I have a rule; no politics at work or with my brother. The work thing seems obvious but the brother one, probably not so much. You see I love my brother but he’s just as opinionated as me. And while he thinks he’s open minded he’s really the worst about interrupting people. So if you don’t let people talk in order to express their opinions how can you consider yourself open minded? You don’t wait long enough to hear what they have to say! Problem solved, now just try interrupting me on a blog.
Second, I have three huge things that are at the forefront of my mind: my infertility, how that relates to my faith, and politics. Now these are bound to change at any time. Thus, my blog site name being semi-vague should allow me to change my blog focus to whatever is really on my mind or at least figure out if “maybe it’s all in my head?” Cue movie title!
A Virgin Blogger
September 30, 2008
We’ll here I go. My first blog entry. I’m nervous, excited, and a bit intimidated. While I’m not that old, turning 30 on Oct. 15, I did grow up in the era where people kept diaries. You know, little books you wrote your hopes and dream in and hid under the bed so that no one would find it especially your mom or dad. Now here we are just 20 years later and they aren’t called diaries but blogs. And crazily enough we post them out on the internet for EVERYONE to read. Why is it that sharing your inmost thoughts with anonymous strangers is acceptable? I’m not sure but there is a strange comfort in knowing that I don’t personally know anyone who might read this.
Even right now my husband is drilling me on what I am doing and I’m actually embarrassed to tell him. I could barely tell him the blog host name let alone what I’ve called it. And what was my answer? “It’s like a diary.” Bizarre. So I just need to send this first post out into the great internet world. I need to step out into the unfamiliar so that I can embrace this anonymous sharing of my in most thoughts.
Here I go…