5 Down, One To Go

So Aunt Flow reared her ugly head and we’re now officially into the final month, dreaded number six. Yesterday I called the RE’s office to make sure that we are ready for November. I hate to sound like “Debbie Downer” assuming that October will fail but I’m also trying to be realistic. To catch people up, our RE had us try exploratory surgery to rule out endometriosis. I ended up having stage one (not bad but still…) and so he told us to take 6 months off treatments to see if we could conceive on our own. And so we find ourselves here, five months later and still not pregnant. He had initially wanted us to try another 2-3 rounds of clomid/hcg/IUI but at this point I don’t even want to bother with it. I’d rather just move on to IVF. I feel like I’ve wasted another 6 months of my life. If we could have conceived on our own it would have happened by now (It’s been 2 ½ years!), we’ve done three IUI’s already and I have only a short window of time before my travel picks up at my job. That would make IVF nearly impossible because I’ll be out of town almost every other week. I feel like I could scream and cry all at the same time.

I typically love the fall and love my birthday but this year I could just crawl into a hole and let the whole thing pass by without me. It totally stinks that I’m not only turning 30 but also struggling with infertility. I had always thought that I’d have at least two children by now but clearly this was not supposed to be. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I just need to start grieving the loss of our dream. I know that I haven’t done IVF yet but because it’s the ‘last ditch effort’ it brings up these feelings. I’ve read a few blogs from women who have been successful with IVF but I really don’t want to get my hopes up. Just because it worked for them does not mean that will for us. I’ve never even had a chemical pregnancy so I don’t even know if my baby-maker even works. Plus we really can only afford to do one treatment without dipping into our savings that we have been setting aside for adoption. Ugh! Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and this will all seem better in the morning. That or chocolate.