Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Peace

On Monday I went in for my 6th HCG blood draw after stopping the PIO last Thursday. At that point I could have sworn that my levels were going down because my symptoms, aside from sore boobies, were gone. I went in yesterday at 2pm for a follow up u/s and was shocked to hear that my levels are now 5,000+, holy pete! I actually laughed, which I apologized for, but as I told him I just don’t know how to respond anymore to these levels that keep rising. My RE was finally able to see a very small gestational sac on the monitor exactly where it was supposed to be. Unfortunately it was empty and he measured it at 1 ½ to 2 weeks behind. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, just a small black circle.

I was already emotionally prepared as I was going to be for whatever would come as I had been praying all the way into my appointment. As we talked about options for helping the little sac to pass, since I’m not going to do it on my own anytime soon, I felt at peace. I know it’s weird. I trust that we are making a good decision about ending the pregnancy because my doctor went over everything several times, telling us again and again I don’t want to push you. Even before I left he stopped me and checked everything again just to be sure. I had been reading the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage website for stories or any sign of hope just in case but all it did was reassure me more that this was a good decision. That in and of its self is a good thing.

This Friday I will take a few pills of Cytotec vaginally at bed time, pop a few Vicoden, and hopefully go through the worst of it during the night when I’m asleep. I’d rather do it now than during Thanksgiving weekend because the week following Turkey day I have to be out of town and do not want to be far from my clinic just in case.

We also talked about options for the future. Hammer was not able to be there with me yesterday and I wish he was because I didn’t know that this would be our post-IVF follow up talk as well. Either way I think I asked everything that he and I had discussed asking our RE anyway. Our RE is willing to coordinate getting a sperm DNA fragmentation test done. That way we’ll know if Hammer needs to go on specific vitamin regime for a few months to help beef up his boys. And if we did another cycle there he suggested the micro dose flair protocol + 5 vials of Bravelle + 1 Luveris. His hope is to get enough eggs to get us to a 5 day transfer because we were pretty close this time. Hammer and I need to discuss this more because we had also tossed around traveling to an out of state clinic. Where we live, our clinic is the only one in the city so if we have to travel we’d rather just go to the best, regardless of the distance. Of course that involves getting Hammer on a plane which would not be an easy task either. And of course money becomes another issue. While our clinic's cost is half of what other people I know have paid it's still a big chunk out of our savings and traveling does not make it any cheaper. Another new development is with my prescription insurance which used to let me go wherever I wanted but as of 2010 will be forcing me to go to one specific pharmacy if I need more than a 30 day supply. I guess the question is what defines a 30 day supply by my insurance, I’m almost afraid to ask.

But then we could change our minds completely and head down the adoption path. We have a lot to pray over but first we need to get through this hurdle of saying goodbye to our little sac.

12 comments:

Astrid said...

Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. I was in your shoes not so long ago, staring at that little black sac, knowing it was over. It's tough to know you're carrying something and your HCG is high and technically you're pregnant, but there's no baby. You are doing the right thing. Painful though it may be. I am glad you are keeping your spirits up and finding peace. I would expect nothing less of you.

Nicole said...

Oh Mrs Hammer, this is just such a horrible situation. I'm so glad you feel at peace with it. I hope that the pills help pass the sac and without too much pain for you. Sending you lots of love and thoughts while you and Hammer contemplate your next step.
Also, I emailed you info about Dr. K so let me know if you didn't get it.

Tabitha said...

Praying for you! I'm so proud of how strong you are, and God will bless you for it!

kdactyl said...

I'm so sorry this has been such a long and drawn out process. I am so glad you feel at peace with your decision and your plan sounds like a good one. I will pray for you on Friday.

JB said...

I'm so glad you at least have resolution.

T said...

I am so sorry for all you have been through in the last little while.. :(

Once Upon A Time said...

Thinking of you.

Brittney said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and praying for you.

lori in va said...

I am so sorry. I had this same exact thing happen to me and I have a four year old running around my house right now. I struggled with infertility and m/c's and was on clomid when I got my BFP. Only to realize that my hcg levels were going up, but no where near doubling. At my 6w and 7w u/s there was nothing, yet my levels kept rising, though very, very slowly. But to me, any rise, meant growth. I waited another week and my Dr scheduled an
d & c. But before he said he wanted to just do one more quick scan to make sure..........I was 8w 1d that day and THERE he was a fetus with a beating heart measuring 8w 1d! A miracle? All I know is if the Dr had not done that one last u/s, I would have gone ahead w/ a d&c and that kills me to think about! Please keep the faith and wait it out! Check your levels again and have another u/s in a week, then if nothing has changed, go from there, but give it another week. It happened to me and I had suffered 6 years of infertility and 4 m/c's before this. I know waht a roller coaster ride this is and how you just want off, but hang in there. I hope I was not out of line. Good luck! Lori

Hillary said...

What a difficult past few weeks - I am so sorry! I continue to lift you up in prayer, and am thankful God has given you some peace in the midst of all of this. ((hugs))

makingmemom.blogspot.com

eyeheartinternet said...

Oh sweetie, I don't know what to tell you. You wrote about this with so much grace that it broke my heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers...

kdactyl said...

I just want you to know that I am saying lots of prayers for you this weekend. I really hope the meds helped this pass in the night without much discomfort. Lots of hugs.