Thursday, November 5, 2009

I can barely find words for this…

My HCG is now at 292.

It tripled in 48 hours.

I was prepared to hear her say that it was dropping. I was prepared to hear her say I was miscarrying. I was not prepared for this, for any of it. And I can’t yet allow myself to feel any hope either. I’m still being told it’s not viable. And yet I keep praying to God that if it is not viable that He would end this for us and He hasn’t. I feel stretched between what biologically is next to impossible and my God who is the definition of possible. When I called Hammer I could do nothing but cry because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I will go in for more blood work on Monday and then will have an ultrasound on Wednesday or Thursday of next week.

P.S. I know what my blog title says but I’m just too scared to go there yet…

24 comments:

Meant to be a mom said...

Oh my goodness. I am being pulled in so many directions just thinking about all of this. I'm so sorry this is so emotionally draining for you. I just hope for some sort of clarity on whats going on. And Miracles definitely happen. No doubt about that. We can all pray for a miracle. God please work your magic.

jones said...

I'm sending heaps of good thoughts your way!!

~J~ said...

I don't think there are words that any of us can say to you....I just pray and pray that God is working a miracle inside of you right now.

Tabitha said...

Oh, wow. This is craziness...I'm praying for you.

Allison said...

((HUGS)) and prayers for you. I can't imagine what you're going through or how difficult this weekend is going to be.

BB said...

I am hoping and praying that this is truly a miracle for you! {HUGS}

The Wilson's said...

oh my goodness, think and praying for your miracle!

JB said...

Stranger things have happened...hoping for the best....

Astrid said...

JB is right, stranger things have happened. HCG is only so reliable. 15% of healthy pregnancies do NOT follow the rigid doubling schedule that we all hope for. And we all know how huge a 15% chance is, having been on the wrong side of statistics more times than we'd prefer. That is a great number, hoping it's healthy and that it sticks!!

Shannon said...

I cant help it- Im so very, very hopeful for you. Our God performs miracles every single day and I pray this is yours. I know you have so many emotions going through you, hang in there. We're all pulling for you!

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

I'm praying that all of these numbers that leave you so speechless and confused are actually for your good and mean an answer to your prayers. I'm sorry it's such difficult circumstances, though.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Why cant things just be easy for you? Thats a great increase, though. Id say youre just one of the weird ones who has low betas. I was one, remember?

Im hoping this continues to be a positive incline and you see your miracle on that screen next week!

kdactyl said...

I know getting your hopes up is so hard...so go ahead and just stay in limbo...but know I am praying for a miracle for you. You are right....God makes the impossible possible....it is oh HIS time, not ours. Keep your Faith that he knows what he is doing here.

Many hugs.

kd

Amy said...

I'll be praying.

Kerri said...

Wow...I really don't have any words either. I'm so encouraged that your numbers keep going up, but I'm so frustrated for you that you don't have clear answers yet and have to keep waiting. Something is obviously going on in there, that's for sure. Please keep us updated. I will be thinking about you!

Emily said...

I'm still praying for you and Mr. Hammer, sweetheart. I know it's been a rollercoaster week, but keep hanging on & have faith in God. BIG HUGS for you!

Simple said...

OMG Mrs. Hammer ... I am praying so hard for you & I'm not really the praying type. I so hope this your miracle!!! HUGS!!!!

Nicole said...

Holy crap, I can't even believe the up-down of your betas lately. SO sorry for the emotional tearing it must be doing to you. I would ask them to bump the u/s up to ASAP (like tomorrow or MOnday) so you can find out once and for all what is going on in there. Good luck

Julian said...

Hi, I found your blog through my wife's blog, IVF Infertility. Just wanted you praying for you like CRAZY!!

Brittney said...

Can I 'go there' instead?:) I am so extremely hopeful for you. I'll be praying for you tonight! Hang in there and know that God is in control - let Him be your strength. Praying that this is your miracle baby..

Waiting said...

Wow. I am praying for you, but God is a God of miracles!! :)

By Grace said...

God works miracles all He asks for is our faith...i pray that you can expect the miracle He is able to do (it's hard on our human mind though)
I just said a prayer for you...keep the faith!

jones said...

thinking of you today.

Sara said...

Sending love and prayers your way!