Thursday, November 20, 2008


I have been dreading this month more than any other. That is because, tucked far back in our bathroom cupboard, is a pregnancy test. Back when we first started trying to conceive I naively ran out and bought a Clearblue Easy pregnancy test so that when the time came we would be prepared. I remember all the hope and anticipation that accompanied that purchase. With one small step it was supposed to start off our journey into the next phase of our lives. But as the one year mark crept up upon us without so much as a hiccup, we realized that our lives were headed in another direction. We were suddenly on the journey of infertility and that pregnancy test was pushed further and further back into the cupboard and out of sight.

As we hit our two year mark this May I happened upon that box and pulled it out from it's hiding place. It was then that I noticed the expiration date: November 2008. It was now etched in my mind and while I had shoved it back in to the cupboard it had become a tell-tale heart beating and beating as the months dwindled down. Each time I would open the cupboard it would immediately pop out at me whereas before I had hardly paid attention to it. It got to the point that I didn't want to open the door because I knew my eyes would be drawn to it. All I could hear in my head each time I thought of it was the same word, "November, November," over and over again. It was the countdown, the deadline, a significant milestone in our journey, however bleak that may seem. To have bought a pregnancy test and have it expire without ever having even one reason to use it is heart wrenching. So now here I am, November. The box is on the bathroom counter. And as this month comes to a close, I sit here realizing that it will be another failed month. We are seven days away from the end of my cycle, I'm already cramping. It's the sign that my cycle will be coming and not implantation. I know because I have this aching in my abdomen of emptiness, that feeling of a barren womb. The box is on the bathroom counter, still unopened, never fulfilling it purpose. Expired. And tonight, tonight, my heart is breaking once more.

Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses!
Psalm 25:16-17


Hoping for our own Peanut said...

your post breaks my heart. im sorry you didnt get to meet your "deadline." im so, so sorry.

Allison said...

My heart breaks for you. I know there aren't any words that will actually make it better, but please know that I'm reading and praying for you.