Peace

On Monday I went in for my 6th HCG blood draw after stopping the PIO last Thursday. At that point I could have sworn that my levels were going down because my symptoms, aside from sore boobies, were gone. I went in yesterday at 2pm for a follow up u/s and was shocked to hear that my levels are now 5,000+, holy pete! I actually laughed, which I apologized for, but as I told him I just don’t know how to respond anymore to these levels that keep rising. My RE was finally able to see a very small gestational sac on the monitor exactly where it was supposed to be. Unfortunately it was empty and he measured it at 1 ½ to 2 weeks behind. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole, just a small black circle.

I was already emotionally prepared as I was going to be for whatever would come as I had been praying all the way into my appointment. As we talked about options for helping the little sac to pass, since I’m not going to do it on my own anytime soon, I felt at peace. I know it’s weird. I trust that we are making a good decision about ending the pregnancy because my doctor went over everything several times, telling us again and again I don’t want to push you. Even before I left he stopped me and checked everything again just to be sure. I had been reading the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage website for stories or any sign of hope just in case but all it did was reassure me more that this was a good decision. That in and of its self is a good thing.

This Friday I will take a few pills of Cytotec vaginally at bed time, pop a few Vicoden, and hopefully go through the worst of it during the night when I’m asleep. I’d rather do it now than during Thanksgiving weekend because the week following Turkey day I have to be out of town and do not want to be far from my clinic just in case.

We also talked about options for the future. Hammer was not able to be there with me yesterday and I wish he was because I didn’t know that this would be our post-IVF follow up talk as well. Either way I think I asked everything that he and I had discussed asking our RE anyway. Our RE is willing to coordinate getting a sperm DNA fragmentation test done. That way we’ll know if Hammer needs to go on specific vitamin regime for a few months to help beef up his boys. And if we did another cycle there he suggested the micro dose flair protocol + 5 vials of Bravelle + 1 Luveris. His hope is to get enough eggs to get us to a 5 day transfer because we were pretty close this time. Hammer and I need to discuss this more because we had also tossed around traveling to an out of state clinic. Where we live, our clinic is the only one in the city so if we have to travel we’d rather just go to the best, regardless of the distance. Of course that involves getting Hammer on a plane which would not be an easy task either. And of course money becomes another issue. While our clinic's cost is half of what other people I know have paid it's still a big chunk out of our savings and traveling does not make it any cheaper. Another new development is with my prescription insurance which used to let me go wherever I wanted but as of 2010 will be forcing me to go to one specific pharmacy if I need more than a 30 day supply. I guess the question is what defines a 30 day supply by my insurance, I’m almost afraid to ask.

But then we could change our minds completely and head down the adoption path. We have a lot to pray over but first we need to get through this hurdle of saying goodbye to our little sac.