Vicoden and I, we is not friends

So Friday night was m-day, or our medicated miscarriage day. As the week ticked down I began to get more emotional about it. I started to become symptomatic again. I could feel the twinges in my uterus as the little empty sac continued to grow in the presence of the ever increasing HCG. What can I say, I make a good placenta. Now all we need is to put a baby in there. I never second guessed our decision even though I prayed every day that if there really was a baby in there that God would lay it on our hearts to not go through with it. Instead the only thing that brought me to tears was my fear that this could be the most pregnant I would ever be, ever, and it would end on Friday. And that thought alone made me want to hold off a bit longer. But I knew holding off would only put off the inevitable and I knew in my heart that there was no baby. On Friday I talked with my RN (who was out sick the day of my last u/s) and she gave me more details on what to expect and the up coming weeks of blood draws to make sure the HCG continued to go down. She recommended that I not take it over night as she worried I would not sleep well. I decided to go to my yoga class at lunch thinking that would be a good thing to do to keep me relaxed considering the night ahead. Except that during some of our moves I had to lay on my stomach, which made my boobies hurt, which made me think about every thing and I found myself crying big aligator tears while in child's pose.

Hammer and I decided to split the difference so I started the cytotec at 6:30pm last night. I shoved 3 little white pills up my who-ha and downed a vicoden. I was prescribed 1-2 vicoden every 4-6 hours but thought I'd start with one since I'm really sensitive to drugs. I knew that it would take about 2 hours before the cramping would begin so I thought I'd get on top of my pain by taking the vicoden early. I just did not anticipate how painful it would be. At about 8:30-9:00 pm I lay there with Hammer on the couch trying to watch a movie to take my mind off of the pain. By about 9:30-10:00 I was death gripping the couch, tears streaming down my face. My RN was right, I would not have been able to sleep through this. I took a second vicoden around 9:30 pm as the one was just not doing anything. Around 10:30-11:00pm I figured the first one was out of my system and I would be safe to take a third since the pain continued to increase. Oh what a mistake. Somehow I had managed to fall asleep on the couch while Hammer played video games. As the night wore on I continued to sleep on the couch and Hammer did not want to wake me so he fell asleep on the other loveseat so I would not be alone and thank God he did. I had apparently become dehydrated which intensified the dizziness effect of the vicoden. So when I tried to get up to use the restroom around 2:00 am I started to black out, could not stand up on my own and was dry heaving. I have never felt so awful and helpless in my life. Hammer had immediately woke up to help me. I barely made it into the bathroom and Hammer had to even support me so that I would not fall of the toilet seat. This was not my finest hour. I actually almost told Hammer to call an ambulance because it was so intense. Finally I seemed get my bearings and he helped me into bed, put a damp cloth on my head, a heating pad on my tummy and held my hand until I fell asleep.

By morning I felt much better and the heating pad has been wonderful. I've been using it all day, drinking plenty of fluids and have only needed one vicoden at a time to keep the cramping in control. My RE had said that if I didn't pass a lot of tissue to take the other three Cytotec. Since was not sure if I had I ended up taking the last three around 4:30 pm today but did not have a repeat of last night's cramping. So I assume that everything that needed to pass has done so. Now we will just be doing blood draws every week until my levels are down below 5. From there I should have my period and my body should finally reset its self. Sadly this could be a month long ordeal of just getting my HCG down but it's not like we're going to jump into another round of fertility treatments anytime soon. The Hammers need a bit of a break. Actually Mrs. Hammer's ute needs a break.

Yet I know in my heart that God has not abandoned us even though we have had to go through this trial. The peace that I had on Monday remains and I know that this is not the end of the road for us.