And Then There Were...

Well you didn't think I just stick the dramatic conclusion right at the beginning did you? I’m going to milk this a bit.

Yesterday was difficult. I barely made it through the day and could hardly focus on work at all. My manager was so compassionate though and it was great to have her support and prayers. I got home just before Hammer did and spent some time in prayer outside as the weather was beautiful. When Hammer arrived home, the first thing he said was, “When is your appointment because I’m going to be there with you.” It was just what I needed to hear. I had been going to these last two appointment by myself because they were supposed to be standard here-are-all-your-follies-looks-great-now-let’s-trigger-type of appointments, which they weren’t. Then he made me dinner and told me just to relax. He is so awesome. Dr. W still wanted us to (in his own words), “be together” just in case I ovulated one or both of the larger follies last night. Not a problem. I really like my RE and his partner Dr. W and could not have been more thankful that I didn’t have to have The Woman again.

Today I didn’t feel ‘full’ or that same pressure in my abdomen that I’d been feeling the past few days. I knew that I had ovulated and that it was all over. I had so many questions. Would I still make a corpus lutem since I was on all these crazy meds? Or would I still have to take progesterone shots? What if I ovulated one follie but had others that were now mature, would I still trigger? Would I even stand a chance with IUI or natural this month considering our years of trying but never once being successful?

I left before Hammer so that I could be sure to make it to the lab on time. I had the radio on in the car and the Sanctus Real song “Whatever You’re Doing” came on that spoke so much to where I was at. Especially the last two choruses:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

I just started crying and telling God that I trusted Him no matter what the outcome and that someday we would see and His plan would be made clear to us. This song spoke so much to me while my dad was in the hospital and I reminded myself that my God is a God of miracles. That He saved my dad’s life and He has a plan for our family as well. I have a God of miracles.

When I went in for my lab draw I had the same two ladies from the day before. They remembered me and said how I must be close because I’m back two days in a row. I told that no, in fact I was back because things were not going well. The lady doing the blood draw grabbed a fertility god statue that was sitting on their windowsill and plopped it down on the arm of the blood draw chair. Then they started to rattle on about how they told this one couple that they should just get drunk and that we should do the same. They kept going on that Hammer should pick me up on the side of the road, go to a bar, get royally drunk and then screw. Then the older lady who was taking my insurance information told us to go on vacation, I replied that we tried that method and now we are here at the RE’s office. She then pushed and said, “Well go on a cruise then.” Guess what, we tried that too! And I told her that as well. As I was walking out the blood draw lady was rambling on about how she wished she had a magic wand to turn us all into pregnant women. I could not believe it. They do blood draws all morning long for my RE’s office and they are as insensitive about infertility as they come. I met up with Hammer and told him that we’ve been going about things all wrong and that apparently he needs to get drunk and treat me like a hooker while we’re on vacation. He laughed and then opened the door for me to the RE’s office. I guess I’m not getting picked up anytime soon.

At the RE’s we were led into our exam room. Dr. W came in again. He requested to follow up with us again today. I was so glad to see him. He examined the right ovary and we discovered that two of them grew yesterday to 19mm and 18mm. The other two grew to only 16mm and 14mm. Things were looking good so far. Then he scanned over to the left ovary. I could not believe it. There on the screen was the largest follicle I had ever seen – 23mm. It has stayed put. Not only did the large one remain but the other one had grown to 20mm. I had four follicles.

4 follicles!!!!

I still could not believe it. I had been so sure I had lost at least one of the follicles. My lining went from 9mm to 11.5mm which is the thickest it has ever been. We were told that was an excellent sign because that meant my E2 levels had gone up. If they were to come back less than the 888pg/mL that we had yesterday that would mean I was about to ovulate the larger follicles and we would still have to cancel even with reaching 4 mature follies. Plus my lining still looked grey on the u/s and apparently it turns white when ovulation occurs. Dr W. was all smiles and even gave us high fives (seriously, I love this doc). I started crying but this time it was tears of happiness. Hammer and I just hugged and cried alone in the exam room for a while, in shock that we were actually going to make it to the next step. Our retrieval is set for Thursday July 9.

I’m still a bit in shock even while I write this post but I am so thankful to even just have the chance to see if this cycle will work. Thank you God, for giving us the chance.

Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

To whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out