Monday, July 20, 2009

Odd Man Out

If hope were sitting in front of me right now I’d put my arm around her, look in the eyes, and tell her, “I told you so.” But it would fail to bring little comfort in being right. I don’t know why I felt compelled to test at 7dp3dt and again at 8dp3dt (11dpo) but I did. I think it might have been all the BFP happening around the blogosphere lately. That and I realized that my beta results that I will have done on Thursday would not be known until next week. Since I have to go to another lab now that we are post transfer due to insurance reasons there is a three day lag time in getting results and my RE’s RN is less than stellar in calling with blood work results. So I thought that it would be better to just find out on our own. That and I started to hope a little. Hammer came home from work on Friday with stories about his coworkers who did 3dt and now have kids. He filled my head with hope that just because I didn't feel anything did not mean that it didn't work. I even started talking about "when this works" at dinner on Saturday. I actually took a cheap CVS test Sunday morning and swore I saw a faint line, even took pictures and thought maybe this is the start of a BFP? I decided not to tell Hammer quite yet. Instead, I ran out and bought two packs of FR early tests yesterday afternoon so I would be well prepared. So this early this morning I couldn’t sleep and at 4:30 I woke up and had to pee so I thought, let's just get this over with. But three minutes later the loneliest bright pink line sat sadly on our bathroom counter. Not even a hint of a second line could be made out on the stark white back ground. I had been victim to an evaporation line on Sunday. I was wide awake at this point so I went downstairs on the treadmill for 30 minutes as running is usually the best place for me to sort out my emotions and I haven’t been doing any activity for the last two months. Shortly after 5 am I woke Hammer up and told him that I cheated and tested but that it had told me what I had already known, we were not pregnant, again. So far I have only shed one tear. I keep welling up but nothing falls. Someone commented that my negative feelings about this cycle could be a defense mechanism to protect myself. To a certain degree this was true but I also believe I knew on some level that life no longer existed in my womb.

So here I am again, the odd man out. Even my infertile blog friends are moving forward in their journeys. I am happy for you all, I truly am but it’s just hard to be left behind.

I still don’t know the outcome of our snow baby and will call today to find out but the likelihood that he met the same fate of his siblings is quite high. If a perfect 8 cell grade 1 and 6 cell grade 2 can’t make it in the comfort of my uterus what hope does a 6 cell grade 3 have in a petri dish?

I know that I still may be testing too early and that people have had BFN at 8/9 even 10dp3dt who then go on to have their BFP at 11/12/13dp3dt. I have three more FRER tests left that will get me to Thursday.

10 comments:

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

I know it feels hopeless, and I'm so sorry that it doesn't seem like this cycle is the one for you. But, I think that a perfectly fertile person can have sex in all of the right conditions and timing and have great healthy eggs and sperm and yet still only has a 20% chance of conceiving. You could argue that with IVF, the doctor purposely transfers an already fertilized egg into the uterus, upping its chances. But who knows how many fertilized eggs make it through on their own and just don't implant like they should in any person. I guess my point is that even if this cycle is a bust, it doesn't mean that it won't ever work for you. I believe with all my heart, for you specifically (above many other people), that God is speaking into your life at this very time and that He is about to open some doors and answer your prayers. I'm still praying and still hoping and still believing on your behalf. And, if I could, I'd hug you and cry with you because it breaks my heart to know that you're still going through so much pain. Lifting you up to our Heavenly Father, and believing that He is going to wrap His loving arms around you.

sassy said...

This is so hard and I am so sorry that you are stuck in limbo... but I think it is still a bit early to be sure, so I'm still holding out for you in hope.

As for being left behind, I know what you feel like, but I do think, you will find, no matter what happens, that you aren't alone... ((hugs))

Astrid said...

Ugh, this is the hardest part, isn't it? But this too shall pass. Either you will get your bfp this cycle or you will get psyched for the next one...don't be too harsh with hope. I know how you feel being left behind by the IF blogosphere. When I started blogging this spring I had no idea how fast things would change for everyone else. It really is remarkable and exciting, but definitely difficult too. I guess the silver lining for us is that it should give us all the more reason to hope. Hang in there!

Katie said...

Oh sweetie- you have days left to build up that Hcg! I know you know that, but I'm saying it anyway. Maybe it wasn't an evap line, but it was the rest of the trigger getting out of your system. Give yourself time before you throw in the towel yet. I have been and I will keep thinking about you.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

im sorry you didnt see those two lines. i honestly think there is still hope. 3 day transfers are tricky..id keep testing and dont give up hope until you hear a beta number.

NeNe said...

I'm so so sorry. This is the worst feeling right now and there are just not words for it. I know sometimes you just want to give up on hope, but don't. God will not ever give up on you and he has already laid out his course of action in your life. He has already acted on your behalf- you just have to wait to see it unfold. That is the hardest part.

I'm praying for you and wishing you comfort and peace in the midst of such disappointment.

Shannon said...

I just cant give up hope yet, I refuse to. I want this to happen for you so badly. Im sorry about the BFN and I cant imagine the dissapointment. But just remember we are all here for you and even though I have moved on in a sense, I will not quit praying for you every day until you are pregnant. Im not going anywhere. (((Hugs)))

kdactyl said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN....I really hope it is just too early for you. But I know how you feel. I have been there. We did not get our baby on our 1st IVF try...we got him on the 2nd and it was a 3dt....keep you chin up...but cry if you have to, it will help.

Simple said...

Hi ... I think it's too early too so try to hang in there until you get the Beta!
And you are not left behind .. I'm still there, my 1st IVF cycle was cancelled Sunday due to low response.
Best wishes!

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm praying so much for you. There is still definite time for this to happen. Your hcg levels could rise and maybe they just aren't showing up yet.