If hope were sitting in front of me right now I’d put my arm around her, look in the eyes, and tell her, “I told you so.” But it would fail to bring little comfort in being right. I don’t know why I felt compelled to test at 7dp3dt and again at 8dp3dt (11dpo) but I did. I think it might have been all the BFP happening around the blogosphere lately. That and I realized that my beta results that I will have done on Thursday would not be known until next week. Since I have to go to another lab now that we are post transfer due to insurance reasons there is a three day lag time in getting results and my RE’s RN is less than stellar in calling with blood work results. So I thought that it would be better to just find out on our own. That and I started to hope a little. Hammer came home from work on Friday with stories about his coworkers who did 3dt and now have kids. He filled my head with hope that just because I didn't feel anything did not mean that it didn't work. I even started talking about "when this works" at dinner on Saturday. I actually took a cheap CVS test Sunday morning and swore I saw a faint line, even took pictures and thought maybe this is the start of a BFP? I decided not to tell Hammer quite yet. Instead, I ran out and bought two packs of FR early tests yesterday afternoon so I would be well prepared. So this early this morning I couldn’t sleep and at 4:30 I woke up and had to pee so I thought, let's just get this over with. But three minutes later the loneliest bright pink line sat sadly on our bathroom counter. Not even a hint of a second line could be made out on the stark white back ground. I had been victim to an evaporation line on Sunday. I was wide awake at this point so I went downstairs on the treadmill for 30 minutes as running is usually the best place for me to sort out my emotions and I haven’t been doing any activity for the last two months. Shortly after 5 am I woke Hammer up and told him that I cheated and tested but that it had told me what I had already known, we were not pregnant, again. So far I have only shed one tear. I keep welling up but nothing falls. Someone commented that my negative feelings about this cycle could be a defense mechanism to protect myself. To a certain degree this was true but I also believe I knew on some level that life no longer existed in my womb.
So here I am again, the odd man out. Even my infertile blog friends are moving forward in their journeys. I am happy for you all, I truly am but it’s just hard to be left behind.
I still don’t know the outcome of our snow baby and will call today to find out but the likelihood that he met the same fate of his siblings is quite high. If a perfect 8 cell grade 1 and 6 cell grade 2 can’t make it in the comfort of my uterus what hope does a 6 cell grade 3 have in a petri dish?
I know that I still may be testing too early and that people have had BFN at 8/9 even 10dp3dt who then go on to have their BFP at 11/12/13dp3dt. I have three more FRER tests left that will get me to Thursday.