Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Knocked Down, But Not Destroyed

This week, as you know, has been a difficult one. On Monday when I was still nursing my wounds from the negative HPT I learned that another IRL friend is now expecting. It was not what I needed to hear that day. I went to bed early, crying and praying before going to sleep that God would help me get through this. Yesterday I started thinking about how Hoping for our own Peanut is still experiencing pain from the scars left by infertility even while she is expecting. I thought about how, when all this is over and God’s plan has been worked out, those scars from this trial would always be there. That I would never be the same person I was before infertility. And just how much this process has changed both Hammer and I. It’s amazing to think about the scars that we will inflict upon ourselves through infertility all for the love of some one who hasn’t even been born yet. And then I thought about someone else who bears scars. And I thought about the love that it took to take on the sins of the world and know that He would forever bear the scars from that choice. But that He did it for the love of those that came before Him, for those that stood at His feet mocking Him and wishing Him dead, and for those of us now who had yet to be born. He took a risk to bear these scars knowing that it would not be guaranteed success that those He loved would choose life with Him. But He did it anyway, because all the scars were worth the life that would come through it.

I used to think that God ‘understood’ my pain but not fully understood it. How could He? I’m a woman and while He was on earth He was a man. He didn’t truly know the pain of an empty womb; of mourning every month that went by without the hope of a child. But now I know that we are not so different, He and I. And If I can, in love, bear the burden and take on the scars of infertility for our child who has yet to be born; how much greater is the love of our Father who look on the scars for the whole world. He does understand our pain better than I even realized.

One day I will be a mother. But I will always bear my scars; I will always be infertile even if I give birth some day because we could never achieve our family without help. I will be a mother, a mother of infertility.

So I am knocked down, but not destroyed. This cycle was difficult mainly because we never even thought we would make it to transfer. To go from almost having our cycle cancelled or converted to an IUI, then retrieving the exact number of eggs we wanted to fertilize, then having three very good looking embryos to transfer seemed like a miracle. And it was. But I think it gave me hope that it was destined to work. And knowing that there were two little lives inside of me makes it all the more difficult. With IUI’s, if they don’t work you can assume that maybe nothing fertilized. But I KNEW life was in me and now it’s not and this makes the grieving process even greater. But I do have blessings from this cycle:

I have a normal FSH = 4.5
I have a normal antral follicle count
Lefty actually made the best follicles this cycle (go figure)
We can fertilize naturally
We can make pretty embryos (we just need one to stick)

Maybe I will respond better on another combination of drugs. I responded just fine on clomid with only 50 mg and always produced 2-3 large follicles.

So here is our plan for Operation Hammer Babies Take Two:

* Do acupuncture – I didn’t this time because I was doing chiropractics (don’t waste your time) and I think having done both needles are the way to go
* Ask that regardless of the count they should take them to day 5 – that way if they need to do emergency assisted hatching they can.
* Try a different cocktail of drugs
* Don’t let The Woman RE anywhere near me – just for my own personal sanity

And in the meantime Hammer and I are finally going to make it out to a RESOLVE meeting. They are having a speaker come talk about adoption next week. We have always kept adoption at the top of our list. Hammer, having had two older adopted siblings, and I have never stopped thinking about it. Originally we had talked about putting in paperwork for it at the same time as starting IVF but when we were praying over our next steps with our journey God told us to close that door for now. We have to admit that we were surprised but obeyed. But we would still love to learn more about the process and all the different options out there. We have begun to discuss a new “adoption option” but would like more time to pray about it together and go through at least one more IVF cycle beforehand.

I know that it sounds crazy to be talking like this when I haven’t even had my first beta yet but I just feel that I needed to let go of this cycle already and see what our future may hold.

P.S. - Oh and I didn’t test this morning; I ‘m just going to wait for the beta results from tomorrows blood work. I think it will be better for my mental health.

P.P.S - I just checked my email and was overwhelmed to tears will all the comments of support you have sent my way. Thank you ladies. No one else but you all can truly understand the pain of another BFN and your support means so much right now.


kdactyl said...

Oh are bringing back such memories for me. I remember all these thoughts and feelings and I am so like you.....I actually did do the parallel IVF and adoption planning. I found a seminar I wanted to attend and was all signed up and I had plans for how I would join Weight Watchers and finally lose the 12lbs of infertility weight gain...blah...blah....blah...OH....but I DID go to the accupuncturist and I TOTALLY recommend that really, really helped. But when it came down to it.....I attended that adoption seminar 8 weeks pregnant!

I just read through my journal that I kept for that IVF cycle...and I am so feeling what you are feeling right now. Our 1st IVF resulted in a chemical pregnancy and it was so heartbreaking yet numbing...but I knew we had to do it one more time or I would never be able to get rid of the "what ifs". But now, 2 years later and we have our son and guess what? We are now going through the adoption process (I am 42 and we are just not willing to do the IVF rollercoaster again). So no matter your outcome from this cycle...I love that you still have hope and have plans for your next steps. It is so important to not let this process freeze up your desire for a family. You WILL have your family....keep the faith. I am praying for you and know God has a plan for you.


Meant to be a mom said...

My heart is breaking for you. I pray for you always.
I just want you to know how much we all want this for you and that I will keep praying and your time will come. I just know it.
Also I want to tell you that what you said about God understanding us was just beautiful. He does, your right. We are all his children and he sent his son to die for us and I feel he truly loves and does understand this pain.

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

This post is beautifully written. I know how difficult the pain of a BFN is, even though I never went as far as IVF or spent as long trying as you have so far. I was sharing with Jesse about the outcome of your first IVF and stated that I know any time we try a new form of treatment, there is an added measure of hope that maybe THIS is exactly what our bodies needed- maybe it's how we'll experience our answer to prayer.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

In fact, I was going through some poems and quotes about infertility just the other day. I was looking for something I could use as artwork in the nursery- as a reminder of where God has taken me from- and I came across a poem that gave me so much hope and understanding. It made me think of you. So I will post that in a few minutes on my blog. And then I also have a post about adoption that I wanted to write (not specifically for you, but applicable). Maybe later this afternoon you will see that.

Also, remember with the lines "knocked down, but not destroyed", you are also not crushed nor abandoned. There's all the more reason to hold onto hope. :-)

sassy said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so so sorry. Just know you are cared for and supported, even if it is from afar. You and Hammer are in my dearest thoughts and prayers.

Katie said...

You brought tears to my eyes. I am heartbroken for you. You are in my thoughts.

Shannon said...

Oh wow, Im so moved by your post and was brought to tears several times while reading it.

I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. I know that we both believe God has a plan and that things happen for a reason but those words don't take take away the pain brought by dissapointment and heartbreak.

Instead, I want you to know how much I admire you. You have proved to be a strong woman of faith and you continue to inspire me. Thank you for being so candid and inspiring.

Your post title and that verse made me think of the song "Trading my Sorrows"

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

...his promise will endure. I believe this, my friend. Our God doesn't leave his children and someday, he will bless you with a child. I have faith in this.

BB said...

Sorry for your BFN. I love your spirit and your attitude. With your kind of determination and by Gods grace you will be blessed! Good Luck! {HUGS}

Hillary said...

Beautiful post -- I see your heart's love for God and his glory even in the midst of your pain. He is working and he is good. It still hurts, though -- take time to grieve and know I am praying for you!! (((HUGS)))

jvwaiting said...

I have been reading your blog for the last few months and I just want you to know that I am praying that God will continue to guide you through every step. I can't imagine all the thoughts that are going on in your head - I just pray that you would find his peace through it all.

Brittney said...

Your post brought me to tears. What beautiful, beautiful words... I commend you for your amazing attitude and for having the courage to plan your next steps. You are such an inspiration.

I have also had the same thought before about Jesus not having a true understanding of my pain. But your message is so true - He absolutely understands. It's immensely comforting to know that, isn't it?

May God bless you today.