Knocked Down, But Not Destroyed

This week, as you know, has been a difficult one. On Monday when I was still nursing my wounds from the negative HPT I learned that another IRL friend is now expecting. It was not what I needed to hear that day. I went to bed early, crying and praying before going to sleep that God would help me get through this. Yesterday I started thinking about how Hoping for our own Peanut is still experiencing pain from the scars left by infertility even while she is expecting. I thought about how, when all this is over and God’s plan has been worked out, those scars from this trial would always be there. That I would never be the same person I was before infertility. And just how much this process has changed both Hammer and I. It’s amazing to think about the scars that we will inflict upon ourselves through infertility all for the love of some one who hasn’t even been born yet. And then I thought about someone else who bears scars. And I thought about the love that it took to take on the sins of the world and know that He would forever bear the scars from that choice. But that He did it for the love of those that came before Him, for those that stood at His feet mocking Him and wishing Him dead, and for those of us now who had yet to be born. He took a risk to bear these scars knowing that it would not be guaranteed success that those He loved would choose life with Him. But He did it anyway, because all the scars were worth the life that would come through it.

I used to think that God ‘understood’ my pain but not fully understood it. How could He? I’m a woman and while He was on earth He was a man. He didn’t truly know the pain of an empty womb; of mourning every month that went by without the hope of a child. But now I know that we are not so different, He and I. And If I can, in love, bear the burden and take on the scars of infertility for our child who has yet to be born; how much greater is the love of our Father who look on the scars for the whole world. He does understand our pain better than I even realized.

One day I will be a mother. But I will always bear my scars; I will always be infertile even if I give birth some day because we could never achieve our family without help. I will be a mother, a mother of infertility.

So I am knocked down, but not destroyed. This cycle was difficult mainly because we never even thought we would make it to transfer. To go from almost having our cycle cancelled or converted to an IUI, then retrieving the exact number of eggs we wanted to fertilize, then having three very good looking embryos to transfer seemed like a miracle. And it was. But I think it gave me hope that it was destined to work. And knowing that there were two little lives inside of me makes it all the more difficult. With IUI’s, if they don’t work you can assume that maybe nothing fertilized. But I KNEW life was in me and now it’s not and this makes the grieving process even greater. But I do have blessings from this cycle:

I have a normal FSH = 4.5
I have a normal antral follicle count
Lefty actually made the best follicles this cycle (go figure)
We can fertilize naturally
We can make pretty embryos (we just need one to stick)

Maybe I will respond better on another combination of drugs. I responded just fine on clomid with only 50 mg and always produced 2-3 large follicles.

So here is our plan for Operation Hammer Babies Take Two:

* Do acupuncture – I didn’t this time because I was doing chiropractics (don’t waste your time) and I think having done both needles are the way to go
* Ask that regardless of the count they should take them to day 5 – that way if they need to do emergency assisted hatching they can.
* Try a different cocktail of drugs
* Don’t let The Woman RE anywhere near me – just for my own personal sanity

And in the meantime Hammer and I are finally going to make it out to a RESOLVE meeting. They are having a speaker come talk about adoption next week. We have always kept adoption at the top of our list. Hammer, having had two older adopted siblings, and I have never stopped thinking about it. Originally we had talked about putting in paperwork for it at the same time as starting IVF but when we were praying over our next steps with our journey God told us to close that door for now. We have to admit that we were surprised but obeyed. But we would still love to learn more about the process and all the different options out there. We have begun to discuss a new “adoption option” but would like more time to pray about it together and go through at least one more IVF cycle beforehand.

I know that it sounds crazy to be talking like this when I haven’t even had my first beta yet but I just feel that I needed to let go of this cycle already and see what our future may hold.

P.S. - Oh and I didn’t test this morning; I ‘m just going to wait for the beta results from tomorrows blood work. I think it will be better for my mental health.

P.P.S - I just checked my email and was overwhelmed to tears will all the comments of support you have sent my way. Thank you ladies. No one else but you all can truly understand the pain of another BFN and your support means so much right now.